How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

[55goingon15]

I'm a single mother, long-time poster but changed names for this. My DS, in his early 20s has moved his girlfriend in with us. I didn't mind much at first but now I realise what a huge mistake it's been.

We had yet another row yesterday over their untidiness and general lack of care (e.g. forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night) and she called me all sorts of horrible, unrepeatable names and I don't know what to do. They have been living here free of charge for several months and I have had enough of her selfish ways and her attitude. She also vapes/smokes weed and has got my son into it which I really don't like in my house.

I want her to go, but obviously I don't really want my son to go with her. They are both in minimum wage type jobs so don't earn a lot, but they don't even contribute by washing up after I have cooked a meal. What is the best way to approach this? Unfortunately she winds me up and it ends up in a shouting match, with my son supporting her and with me telling them to get out. They ignore me and are still in my house. What can do? Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

I see many people have commented, I havent read them all but I have read a lot, telling you to sit them down & tell them this is not on, give rules, tell them to leave etc.... Though if I've read your post correctly it seems many are missing the fact you have tried all of this & it is not working, they have an obvious sense of entitlement.
I have been in an almost identical situation, so can comment having had some experience of it.
Your options are limited because like you say, they refuse to leave & you can't physically remove them, they won't listen to your requests for them to live respectfully in your space, you can't have a conversation with them because they respond aggressively - so let's think about what you can do rather than what you can't.
You can write & you can move their belongings, so begin by writing a list of house rules, this should include everything you require from, the board they should pay, talking to you with respect, to keeping their area & the household areas clean, make sure it's detailed, so don't just put, keep the kitchen tidy, list what that requires. Date this & Ask them to sign it, Its pretty likely they won't sign & they won't follow the rules, so with this you explain, should they not sign & follow the rules they will be requested to leave, so you will also write a notice period, keep it simple, basically saying should you chose to not live by these rules you will be required to vacate the property on (x) date. removing all belongings. Be realistic in the amount of time for them to find somewhere, so four weeks is probably minimum. Again it's unlikely they will do this, so consider days they are unlikely to both be home. Think of it as like a tenancy agreement & eviction notice, though two months is the required length of time for eviction on an actual agreement, this isn't an actual tenancy, its just something that is using a similar structure.
Also totally forget about wanting her to leave but your son to stay, that's not going to happen, their need to be together trumps everything, and frankly his disrespect to you, why would you want that, that would still continue.
Whatever date you have given them to leave, you can peacefully evict them, have someone ready to change all locks, if you need it someone to help remove their belongings & you pack the belongings & put them anywhere outside your property, try to be respectful in that the belongings are safe & protected - though they don't deserve that, you are the adult & it's about doing it the right way.

More useful look up "PEGS" online about CPA child to parent abuse, they can offer advice & support. Parent services are free to access & you can self refer. They have a Facebook page too.
They will help to empower you, coping strategies, confidence building, communication & more.

I'm always happy to chat, if you want to pm, not only have I been there done it, my son & partner did get a place of their own, but then split four months later & I stupidly let him stay temporarily & it started all over again. I won't go on about my experience here because this is about you & I don't want to distract from that, I just want you to know, I get it xx

I do sympathise with you. It is not that easy, telling them to go, is it? I am not even sure that just changing the locks and putting their stuff outside would work either.
I had similar issues, of a slightly different kind. When I remarried, I let the sons stay on in the house with their partners, though not at the same times. When they were out of work, they had a housing cheque, which they gave me, but they paid for nothing else. My husband was retired at the time, (he was 20 years older and it was very difficult for us to pay all the utilities, council tax, insurance, etc. They thought that because the house was free of finance, it didn't cost any more than the rent cheque!
I am afraid I had to wait for them to leave. There was a time when I offered to sell the house and give the two sons a quarter each to put down for a mortgage on another house, or that house if they raised a mortgage. When the one said no, if they were paying me rent it wouldn't matter if they missed payments, but if they had a mortgage, the house would be foreclosed, it was the last straw.

You could start shopping for one, get a smaller fridge/freezer and put a lock on it. Don't stock the larder more than you need for yourself for a week. Buy milk, eggs, bread and butter for one - you.

Put cleaning and polishing stuff in their room as a hint. It might work, and at least it saves nagging. Put a lock on your bedroom door with shopping inside if you cannot lock the larder.

If they are hungry they can buy their own food, though be aware they may ruin the oven/hob and microwave out of anger with you.

Young adults need to know how much it costs to live in the real world, and they can only really get that from parents, hard as it is on parents!

If they pay for their food, they must contribute to the expenses. It can only be to their benefit to find out how much it costs to live, and if they divide the cost between them, it will give them an idea of what they need to 'go it alone', and you won't end up being the gremlin who threw them out.
Give them copies of the utility bills and council tax. Point out to them that if you had the house to yourself you would pay 25% less council tax, and suggest they pay the 25% to you. Of course it is risky: they have a certain right of tenure, but if they pay their way and stop being nasty to you, it could work out, and you don't have the worry of imagining them living in shop doorways or squats.

Think back to the 'terrible twos' - remember? remember how they banged on saucepans with wooden or metal spoons until you told them to stop, or took it away, and they discovered how far they could wind you up until you had enough?

Perhaps these two are doing exactly that, and they will go on until you say 'enough is enough'.

No, don't bother with all this faff, OP - they need to leave. End of.

The reality of life will be a nice wake-up call for them, especially if they present themselves at the local Council as being homeless. See how far they get with that one! 😃

@Marelli Thank you for your advice and understanding. I am going to write some rules down and ask them to sign it.

I know many of you think I am weak for not throwing them out completely, but the rents around here, when suitable properties are available, are horrendous. There is no way they could afford rent and utilities in this area. I do want my DS to keep his current job which he loves and it wouldn't be possible if they moved away to a cheaper area.

Their move into the caravan means that they are buying and preparing their own food now and no longer have access to my kitchen. They also have outside toilet facilities so don't need to use the house very often - mainly use of the shower and washing machine in the utility room (accessed via a back door). There is a solid door between the utility and the rest of the house so today I have arranged for a locksmith to put a lock on it so they have no access to the rest of the house. We have a very big garden and don't have close neighbours so they are not bothering anyone else out there and I rarely use the garden.

My DS when not with the GF is lovely to me and my other DC and he does a lot of useful things (e.g. mowing the lawn/taking bins out etc). Luckily I have had no need to speak to the GF since they moved out as she is clearly avoiding me - long may it last!

My DS when not with the GF is lovely to me

Oh, 55goingon15, you are really kidding yourself, aren't you? And when I read the part of your post shown above I was just 😲 So he's only nice when the girlfriend's not around? What does this say about him? What does it say about his feelings for YOU? Doesn't say much for his character, does it? Is he such a wimp with everything?

What if the girlfriend forbids him to talk to you - will he meekly do as she tells him, or what? That's what will happen - she'll try to alienate him and you need to consider the possibility that she'll succeed - she's very much in the driving seat here, can you not see that?

Sympathy for your son's situation? 😂- if rents are so high, they should surely be acting in a mature and responsible way, which they haven't been - so why is that your problem? If they don't respect a rented flat or house the landlord could, quite rightly, give them notice to quit - and why not?

You really are in denial, aren't you? This is just ridiculous and I think you know it isn't going to work. What happens if the girlfriend gets pregnant? Will then still live in the caravan - or back in your house, where no doubt the situation will be even worse than before? Wise up, OP.

Sorry OP, but you've lost any sympathy I had with your plight! I'm out!

My DS when not with the GF is lovely to me and my other DC and he does a lot of useful things (e.g. mowing the lawn/taking bins out etc). Luckily I have had no need to speak to the GF since they moved out as she is clearly avoiding me - long may it last!
Did your son pay for his board and lodging pre-girlfriend, or was he still freeloading back then?

I don’t think you are weak, at the end of the day you are a mother and it is your son. Hopefully what you have done is enough of a warning to them that they need to change their ways. Just let your son know that any further issues, they are out. You will not be disrespected in your own home

Change the locks, abuse is not acceptable, verbal or physical it is abuse, and no way would I feed either of them .

You say they can't afford to pay rent and utilities for any house share locally?
But they both work?
What are they spending their income on?
I don't understand why you're letting them decide to stay in your garden - it sounds like this is an idea they came up with, not something you or your other DC suggested or particularly wanted. Whose caravan is it? If it's yours, but you're happy for your son to live in it, why can't it be moved to a different garden/ site? I'm sure they can afford to pay site fees/ rent for the use of a parking spot for it (even if this isn't something you've thought to ask for). Let them be independent, and see how they get on. Reclaim your house and garden for yourself and the other DC who presumably treat you with respect.
If you do continue with this foolish idea of letting them stay in your garden, don't allow them access to your washing machine/ shower. Let them go to a launderette/ sports centre, handwash, basin-wash. They both need to learn that you can't abuse people then expect to use their facilities. This will be a useful life lesson for your son as well, especially if he does end up living with other people in future.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts ·

What are they spending their income on?

I think I could hazard a guess (or two)! No sympathy now for the OP. They'll take over her home and she will sit back and let it happen. She'll probably be back on here before long, still looking for sympathy and making excuses.

She's doing her entitled son and his girlfriend no favours, and will get no respect - as I rather think she will very soon discover for herself.

It’s your decision, OP, and I understand that you want to do the best for your son.

But why are you willing to help his rude and ungrateful girlfriend who won’t even speak to you? I wouldn’t let her someone who speaks to me like that live on my property-she can bugger off and make her own way in the world.

She’s not a positive influence on your son either, why do you want someone like that in his life?

ScreamingBeans · 30/04/2024 18:51
I agree, and will add something else to your sentiments: with caravan living, it won't be just them traipsing in and out of the house, will it? The OP has made things worse. At least while they were in the house there were just the two, but now there could be a whole lot of different 'summer hols bums' coming and going throughout the summer, using her bathroom and kitchen, and it can go on unless she can apply to her local authority or police to shift them, if possible.

My reply to the OP who responded to Marelli

''55goingon15 · Yesterday 16:18
@Marelli Thank you for your advice and understanding. I am going to write some rules down and ask them to sign it.

I know many of you think I am weak for not throwing them out completely, but the rents around here, when suitable properties are available, are horrendous. There is no way they could afford rent and utilities in this area. I do want my DS to keep his current job which he loves and it wouldn't be possible if they moved away to a cheaper area.

Their move into the caravan means that they are buying and preparing their own food now and no longer have access to my kitchen. They also have outside toilet facilities so don't need to use the house very often - mainly use of the shower and washing machine in the utility room (accessed via a back door). There is a solid door between the utility and the rest of the house so today I have arranged for a locksmith to put a lock on it so they have no access to the rest of the house. We have a very big garden and don't have close neighbours so they are not bothering anyone else out there and I rarely use the garden.''

DEAR OP
you are storing up more trouble for yourself. All your arrangements and your feeling of security will be nothing, when they and the caravan become the HQ of 'summer bums inc.' As your DS has travelled, and you actually now know little about him, or his GF, it is possible that they know many others of their ilk, Your DS will not be able to protect himself from a crowd of would be squatters who will take over the caravan and possibly the house, especially if they have access to the utility room. If he cannot, how can you?

The fact that you have a large garden will not help, especially as you have no neighbours to tell you what they get up to when you are not there. Large gardens can accommodate a whole army. Your garden could become a latrine, perhaps fires lit to cook and warm themselves, and if you think that the new locks will hold, think again. You may allow the use of the shower, but who pays for it when the friends arrive? How is the water heated? The problem is the washing machine: who pays when they break it? One of their mates could disconnect it and sell it. I wonder if you have any idea of the limitless actions the youth of today can take. They could take the door and the new locks.

WATCH THE TV PROGRAMME about TENANTS and the destruction they do in landlord's houses.

Not ideal OP but good enough for now.

Good about the locked door. Keep it that way.

Any more lip from her and she's out. Ungrateful cow.

Well, I hope it all works out for OP but I have a feeling that the caravan of love will rapidly morph into the caravan of discord.

Cripes! You've got some patience, I'll give you that! I would've kicked them both out. Good luck with the future is all I can say. 🙃

I’m sorry, but you need to boot both of them out. She will always be visiting your home, and. Your son is old enough to start looking out for himself.

I think you’ve lost a lot of compassion here… You need to throw them both out. Stop worrying about your 20-year-old man of a son, and let him start fending for himself.

Amen to this… This woman is putting up with a few and justifying it… She’s also a child… I mean grown adult son

What an awful situation to be in!
Personally, I’d rally troops and get support before taking them on.

You’re outnumbered in your own home and if things are as bad as you say (ds prone to aggressive outbursts and gf calling you names and shouting) it sounds to me like you could do with backup.

My line of approach would be:

• Contact her parents and tell them what’s going on. Tell them about the abuse and what they’re doing in your house. Ask them to come and collect her and her stuff.
• Text your son to say you are being abused in your own home and don’t feel safe. You feel your safety and mental health are threatened and you love him, but you’re not going to be a hotel for anyone other than him, starting on _ date.
• Get family/friends over on the same evening you ask for the parents to collect her, in case anyone gets aggressive.
• If her parents won’t come and get her/her stuff, I’d give her 48 hours notice to get out and like others are saying, leave her things in a safe place outside and change the locks.

Ultimately, she’s not your responsibility, but she is her family’s responsibility and if they can help you clear up the mess, great!

Good luck!

I would contact the police and ask for advice if you have already told them to leave and they haven’t.

If they thought you were just angry when you said it and you didn’t mean it, politely reinforce in writing that they must leave with whatever period you deem fit and for the remainder of that period what the rules of the house are.

In my area you need to get permission from the council for somebody to live in a caravan in your garden.. even if it is a privately owned property.. you cant just set up!!