How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

[55goingon15]

I'm a single mother, long-time poster but changed names for this. My DS, in his early 20s has moved his girlfriend in with us. I didn't mind much at first but now I realise what a huge mistake it's been.

We had yet another row yesterday over their untidiness and general lack of care (e.g. forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night) and she called me all sorts of horrible, unrepeatable names and I don't know what to do. They have been living here free of charge for several months and I have had enough of her selfish ways and her attitude. She also vapes/smokes weed and has got my son into it which I really don't like in my house.

I want her to go, but obviously I don't really want my son to go with her. They are both in minimum wage type jobs so don't earn a lot, but they don't even contribute by washing up after I have cooked a meal. What is the best way to approach this? Unfortunately she winds me up and it ends up in a shouting match, with my son supporting her and with me telling them to get out. They ignore me and are still in my house. What can do? Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

This is better but I hate that GF is rude to you....its just unfathomable.
I feel she is taking advantage of your ND DS.
Can your adult children start to make their feelings known?
Just the occasional comment...."please don't speak to my mum like that you are a guest in HER home" and "could you treat OUR home with more respect please" and also speak to your son?

Be strong - you know she needs to go as a bare minimum.

Shocking that anyone would treat their host like that.

I sincerely don't think letting them live in the caravan is a good thing at all. They're going to hook up to your electrics and leave the heater running all of the time. I'd give them a month to leave. They both need to go. They're grown adults with zero learning difficulties. Change the locks and relax.

' forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night '
was an issue

but now
' they will need access to the house to use the bathroom '
as they are in a caravan in the garden,
so a door - back ? or front ? will be unlocked 24 hours a day

' DS and his girlfriend are now setting themselves up in an old caravan in the garden. '

did you offer it to them ?

have you given your permission for them to move into it ?

' I think they plan to spend the summer in it. '

really ? what makes you think that ?

and you are allowing that ?

how much rent are you charging for the caravan, and the utilities ?

The caravan is not really much of an improvement, OP, get her out! You owe her no consideration, no 'notice' after the appalling way she has behaved. I am sure your other DCs would agree, can't you all present a united front?

If your DS goes too, so be it. Hopefully he will soon see sense about her. You realise that by allowing them to free load off you, you are enabling his relationship with this vile young woman? That's not in his best interests.

They’ll still come into use the kitchen as well as the bathroom. They’ll still do their washing, it’s just basically moved their bedroom and nothing else. I bet she’ll slam the back door when she comes in and out at 3am for the toilet and forget to lock the door and you’ll find it unlocked in the morning

I'll be honest @55goingon15, I think them moving into a caravan in your garden is a terrible idea. As PP have said, she'll want 24/7 access and won't lock doors at 3am... and you'll be the baddie. Just say No! 👎 tell them they she (or they) have to leave your property altogether.

I agree with those who are saying this sounds even worse.

They'll have the heater on all night and leave the door open all the time.

Tell them to take the caravan somewhere else and live in it somewhere else.

Not in your garden, not using your utilities, not with access to your house and food and bathroom, fuck that.

You need to stand up for yourself and this isn't doing that. It looks like a peacekeeping, face saving exercise which will end up costing you a lot of money and a lot of hassle.

I'd also be scared they'd burn themselves to death while high in the caravan tbh.

Dunno, but this really doesn't seem the solution.

Stopping the cooking and cleaning won't work - they will simply get takeaways, or use her cooker and her washing machine, thus making use of OP's electric without paying for it. Users just carry on using, it'll make no difference and the OP is so passive she will allow it. If food is in the fridge and the electricity is still connected, they will simply use it themselves. The only thing that will work is to tell them to get out - and mean it, no last-minute promises or pleadings. They've had their chance.

Sorry, OP, but how much can your son think of you if he allows this to go on? Not a lot, that's for sure. He's made his choice - the girlfriend. It's time they learnt a hard lesson, otherwise you'll still be posting about the same thing on repeat in three years' time. What if she gets pregnant? No prizes for guessing who will be left holding the baby!🙄

So you're going to roll over for your son again. Keep making excuses for him so no need for consequences.

OP I don't mean this nastily, I mean it honestly - don't be surprised if your other adult DC decide to move out.

Isn't the caravan an outside bedroom ? I would be petty and get them a chemical toilet which the caravan will have anyway so they are not traipsing in and out.

Well, this won't improve things. They'll be in and out, still using the bathroom/toilet/kitchen when it suits them, as others have said it is basically an outside bedroom.

Your son managed to live abroad independently for years. If you stop babying him and respect yourself and your other children by not allowing him and girlfriend to ride roughshod over you, you would discover that he's quite capable of doing it again.

Sorry OP, but I'm going to be blunt too, do you realise how pathetic you sound?? Why come on here looking for advice if you're just going to ignore what everyone is telling you? You're right, it does sound like you're making excuses for him, and that's fine if you're prepared to put up with being treated like an idiot, but it certainly wouldn't be acceptable to me, nor to most of the other parents on MN by the sound of it. Find your backbone woman, and throw them out with the aid of your other grown up child who is living with you, you said they don't like her either, so I'm sure they'll be only too happy to back you up, but letting them move into the caravan is a ridiculous idea, so put the keys where no one except you can find them, as the last thing you need is to add to your problems, which letting them move into it, definitely will!

The caravan sounds like a terrible idea to be, OP, for all the reasons that other people have said.

Why don’t you just tell the gf to leave? If your other adult children are there to back you up, it’ll be easier to tell her.

Your son can do what he wants, either stay at home or go with her. Either way, it’s not the end of the world, he’s a man in his 20’s.

I think the g/f will see the caravan as a stepping stone back into the house, and WHEN she gets back into the house she will punish OP for banishing her to the caravan. From what OP has said this girl feels she can do exactly as she pleases, and NO-ONE has put her straight, she has everyone dancing to her tune!

All a caravan will do is annoy your neighbors.

By behaving like a doormat you are encouraging them to spend their money ( which is really your money ) on drugs. This will not help them to improve their situation. They need to have to spend their money on essentials and have less to spend on drugs. You are facilitating their drug problem, and the bad behaviour that goes with that. Sorry to say this.

I’m not usually this mean especially as a survivor of DV but please, grow a backbone and just make her move out entirely. I don’t think you realise how much this sounds like you’ve given in to her. Them staying in a caravan in your garden seems infinitely worse.

This seems to be an 'ah, poor me' thread from the OP, also known as the 'I've got the martyr complex so will ignore what's said' syndrome. A huge tale of woe but loads of irrelevant excuses made and no sign at all that she's taken on board any of the advice - so everything carries on as before, except she's had a bit of sympathy.

Prediction: son and girlfriend will carry on as before (I must be psychic).

This moving into the caravan is such a bad idea, they'll turn it into a shit hole, house door will be left unlocked etc etc.
It gets her out of the house but it's no good and doesn't resolve anything. She's still not apologised to you for her behaviour and that needs to happen to move forward. Not your son doing it on her behalf because she won't. I'd kick her out, she really is the cuckoo that's going to take over your house otherwise.

Op I know a lot of people are piling on you, when you are already under a lot of stress, but your op wasn’t very clear.

To be blunt, I think what you are asking for is pretty impossible; to get rid of the gf while your son stays at home. I think you need to be prepared to let him make his own choices and let him go with her.

Are you saying that the gf is a bad influence on your ds? Some people who are ND are more easily susceptible to bad influences. If so, and he is genuinely incapable of looking after his own best interests, then you might need to step in and evict her on his behalf.

But if your ds has lived abroad independently for four years then it sounds as though he is more capable than you give him credit for and I don’t think you are helping him by forgiving such awful behaviour. If he goes back out in to the world he will learn that boundaries exist and he has to comply with them. But living at home is effectively telling him atm that they can cross the line and it’s ok.

Bluntly, if they are both involved with drugs then I think allowing them to set up in a caravan in the garden where you have even less control over the space is not a particularly good idea, as they might attract all sorts of undesirables to your address, even without intending to.

Even if that doesn’t happen, you are less able to impose boundaries when they are living in the garden and are semi-detached from the structure of your family.

Finally, if the rest of the family dislike the gf then why are you in effect insisting that they all have to put up with her? A family is not a democracy op. It’s very hard when you are a single parent and obviously parenting nowadays involves a lot of negotiating and consultation back and forth, but ultimately you are in charge, and your role is to surely advocate for what is best for the family as a whole?

OP Yes you are making excuses and that is up to you. You haven't dealt with the situation and your other adult children will suffer, has this son always been the favourite and have your other children had to tiptoe around him all their lives. No wonder this situation has arisen.

I feel really sorry for your neighbours- is it even legal for them to live there?

I just don’t understand why you don’t just tell them both to find somewhere else to live. I can’t see them staying in the caravan when they could just lounge round the house.