How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

[55goingon15]

I'm a single mother, long-time poster but changed names for this. My DS, in his early 20s has moved his girlfriend in with us. I didn't mind much at first but now I realise what a huge mistake it's been.

We had yet another row yesterday over their untidiness and general lack of care (e.g. forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night) and she called me all sorts of horrible, unrepeatable names and I don't know what to do. They have been living here free of charge for several months and I have had enough of her selfish ways and her attitude. She also vapes/smokes weed and has got my son into it which I really don't like in my house.

I want her to go, but obviously I don't really want my son to go with her. They are both in minimum wage type jobs so don't earn a lot, but they don't even contribute by washing up after I have cooked a meal. What is the best way to approach this? Unfortunately she winds me up and it ends up in a shouting match, with my son supporting her and with me telling them to get out. They ignore me and are still in my house. What can do? Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

@55goingon15
I would give them a week notice to find alternative housing accommodation elsewhere
If your son goes with her so 🤷 be it,
That's life,

They are both old enough to start making their own way in the world with some support but not Co dependency unhealthy type...

Also agree you might well have to change the locks 🔒 too...

They are both in minimum wage type jobs so don't earn a lot

That's no reason to live rent free. They're not babies. They should be paying their way instead of spending it on weed, and treating you like shit. It's unacceptable and you need to stop accepting it and put some ground rules down. It should never be a factor whether you can physically take them on. If there's a genuine risk of violence, have someone there for the conversation or involve the police.

Also if your son is prone to violent outbursts you need to contact the police - if by violent you mean physical, then that’s domestic abuse. Don’t be frightened into allowing them to ruin your life and control you.
They both sound like a waste of space.
Changing the locks might be your only option.

She’s a house guest not a tenant, there is no tenancy and no money has changed hands as proof of any sort of arrangement

as you are the owner/renter and you are responsible you can kick her out right now.

If she refuses to go you can call the police especially if she is being abusive.

Find your anger and kick the freeloading cf's out.

Involve the police if they kick off.

It’s absolutely time for them both to go op 💐

You have shown great kindness to them by allowing them to live rent-free and they have basically thrown that back in your face which was both disrespectful and stupid.

My goodness, why do you not want your son to leave if he has violent outbursts and supports his gf insulting you? To whom or what are the violent outbursts directed? Are you afraid of him op?

Op you need to involve a third party in these circumstances to actually get them to leave.

Do you have a brother, a couple of male friends, a 6ft ex copper neighbour or colleague? Ask for their help in getting these two evicted. They will soon learn some appreciation when they are fending for themselves.

I wouldn't give them weeks! God knows what damage she'd do out of spite in that time. I would, however, only speak to them when everyone is calm, not during an argument. Sit them down tell them it's not working and you're not willing to compromise any longer so you want her out by the end of the week. If your son chooses to go then that's his decision.

She has no respect for you so I would not be walking on eggshells around her. Tell her you've had enough of her disrespect and want her out and if she/they refuse then you'll have to get the police involved.

What others have said.

Two weeks' notice.

Any violence, phone the police and they go NOW

If you can get support from a friend or other family when you tell them, do.

Tell your son he's always welcome to see you.

Change the locks and don't let him have a key

I agree with @pinkdelight that it might be a good idea to ask a close friend or relative to be there as support when you ask her to leave.

As a witness if nothing else.

Re. Her job. Her finances are nothing to do with you, she’s an adult in her 20’s. She can move back with a parent as many ppl do.

Op there’s another thread doing the rounds atm linking support networks for child on parent violence. Maybe have a look?

Wow so many replies - thank you all.

I am heartbroken but know what I need to do as you all overwhelmingly agree that I need to be stronger about this. I have to face the fact that he will go with her unfortunately. I have definitely been too soft on him.

Her parents are miles away but she does have other options close by (where she was living in a shared house before coming here) so will not be completely homeless. I'm not sure I can face her right now but will give it some thought and work out how to tell them.

I will change the locks anyway once they are gone as I wouldn't put it past her to be vindictive.

I second this, get them both to find somewhere else if he wants to live with his gf he can do it elsewhere. Also if you really want her to leave you just have to tell her to get out of your house, if your son follows then that's fine isn't it . You deserve peace in your own house.

^^OP, re your last line, this is why you should not be out when they
leave and to have someone sensible in the house with you when they do.
Hide your jewellery. Good luck.

Indeed. I am often staggered by how often parents allow their adult DC's girl/boyfriend to move in and utterly abuse their host.

Your son may well leave with her but I suspect that without you to abuse she will turn on him and hopefully that will be the end of the relationship.

I wouldn't give her any notice.

A "guest" who smokes drugs and shouts at me etc in my house would be shown the door NOW.

Your son can decide if wants to leave too. I'd be happy to see the back of them both!

She called you names in your own house...the absolute cheek of it. At that point, you should have told her to leave immediately and never return.

OP if they are both over 21 on minimum wage and working full time that's 44k between them. More than enough to pay you board and keep. They have been abusing you in your own home. Find your backbone.

Where she lives once she’s left isn’t your problem, OP. She's not your child, she’s a very rude adult in her 20’s who’s made herself unwelcome in your house.

Um.... she's not your kid

You just don't let her in again the next time she goes out

I would have lifted her out the door the second she spoke rudely to me - why on earth would you put up with that?

I wouldn’t remotely give her or them 4 weeks notice. Why are people suggesting that?

she’s not a tenant. She’s abusing the OP, she needs to go. It doesn’t even sound like OP invited her to move in, in the 1st place.

OP, tell them it’s no longer acceptable and she needs to go, this weekend would have been ideal and while a Sunday night isn’t ideal, I wouldn’t trust her or them to trash the place if you tell them tonight that they need to be out in the week.

i know you don’t want your son to go but he’ll only invite her round anyway and what will really change?

We had yet another row yesterday over their untidiness and general lack of care (e.g. forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night) and she called me all sorts of horrible, unrepeatable names and I don't know what to do.

Ha! You don’t know what to do? Hell would freeze over before someone who spoke to me like that in my house stayed another night. She’d be out.

And if my DS was daft enough to go with her or disrespectful enough to think I should be accepting of her treating me like that, he could crack on with her.

Wow.

I wouldn't be putting up with this.

They can afford to rent a room in a shared house or a bed sit between them. Send them the link to www.spareroom.co.uk and a fortnight's notice. He can either go with her or stay at home, but either way he needs to grow up and start contributing.

I don't understand why these adult kids just move in partners either its so disrespectful to start then they just seem to take the absolute piss!

Hide all your valuables including passport etc with a trusted friend then give them both 5 days to move out.

Contact a locksmith in advance to check costs and timeline for how quickly they can change them. If either of them turn aggressive or violent call the police. Time for tough love.

She sounds pretty vile to even think it’s ok to speak to you in such a way in your own home.