How to get son's girlfriend out of my house

[55goingon15]

I'm a single mother, long-time poster but changed names for this. My DS, in his early 20s has moved his girlfriend in with us. I didn't mind much at first but now I realise what a huge mistake it's been.

We had yet another row yesterday over their untidiness and general lack of care (e.g. forgetting to lock the front door after coming in late on Friday night) and she called me all sorts of horrible, unrepeatable names and I don't know what to do. They have been living here free of charge for several months and I have had enough of her selfish ways and her attitude. She also vapes/smokes weed and has got my son into it which I really don't like in my house.

I want her to go, but obviously I don't really want my son to go with her. They are both in minimum wage type jobs so don't earn a lot, but they don't even contribute by washing up after I have cooked a meal. What is the best way to approach this? Unfortunately she winds me up and it ends up in a shouting match, with my son supporting her and with me telling them to get out. They ignore me and are still in my house. What can do? Obviously I am not strong enough to physically throw them out and anyway I do worry about my son's state of mind as he has some history of violent outbursts.

You would be surprised at how often it happens. I have absolutely no doubt the posts about older people dealing with abusive adult “children” are real (Okay probably not every post – this is MN, after all).

Without raising your voice, I'd say This can't go on. You are both adults with an income but I am the only one contributing to the costs of keep a roof over our heads, paying bills, cooking and cleaning. You have a choice: if you want to stay here, there's no more smoking in the house, you need to pay your way up front each week and treat me and our home with respect. Or move out and live by your own rules. You have 24 hours to decide, and if you choose to leave, you need to stick to my house rules until you find a new place.

I agree with the previous, but if you are too kind/too timid to do so, then perhaps get some rental details from estate agents for her/ both of them. Discuss with your son that you are not willing to accommodate her for much longer and is he going to move out with her WHEN she goes (not if). If he says yes, then tell him the door is open if he needs a place at short notice (up to you if you make it clear that this would be temporary).
Start discussing the fact that he can take his own bedroom furniture ( and any other spare items) to help them along.
In the meanwhile, the can pay board for food (make it clear this is not rent, but expenses contribution, as you do not want to get into eviction laws.

On the other hand,:
a) you do not say how old she is. She is treating you like her own mother. If you had a daughter, it is likely that you might have shouting matches with her?
b) It is quite common for partners to move in and parents to help out in this way, provided children are showing signs of saving up for a place, so have that conversation about how much they have put by
c) did her own mother get fed up and throw her out?

Their relationship is more likely to fall apart if you're not enabling them to live together. If they want to live together like adults then they need to find their own place to stay like adults. I'd have no qualms with asking her to leave but would never have had her moving in in the first place. she doesn't sound like someone I'd want to encourage my son to be with.

This is what I would do.

Pack her bags, place them outside, change the locks. Throw her out. Give your son the chance to grow up and stay, or he can get out and go with her. Tell him if he attempts to bring her back in the house you will call the Police. If your son becomes violent - Call the police.

2nd option - Throw both of them out and change the locks. Write them a letter, let all of your family and friends know what they have done to your home. Have a friend or family member around to support you.

You can also inform the Police and have a Police officer present to help remove them from the house. Tell them you are frightened of potential violence. Get a locksmith at the same time while the police are there.

Personally I would not put up with that and if your son goes with her then that is something I would go along with especially if he is violent. I think I would stop cooking and shopping for them and tell them they are adults and need to sort themselves out with food etc. As for the vapes/smoking either she stops doing it in your house or moves out.

It sounds like it's gone past the point where they apologise and you move on. The insults can't be unheard. I think you still need to ask them both to leave OP.

Yet another story of a parent enabling a child and then wondering why said child treats them like shit. He's in his 20's for heaven's sake, not 5.

It's a tough old world out there if you need to rent - and it's high time OP allowed her son and any girlfriend to find that out for themselves. Out the door they go. Bye.

I have read your most recent update and understand they are staying - for the moment. What you could do to nudge them in the right direction - make them behave : don't cook for them, don't clean their room and don't do laundry for them - unless they show some respect for you. Good luck!

They have to leave your place. Agree on informing the police about violence. Change the locks now. Don’t give them a key. Give them the morning to get their things together. They can leave in the afternoon. Stay at your place the whole time and the next day or two afterwards if possible. Do you have a home camera? Could be an idea. Time for them to live in the real world.

She calls you name and you allow her to stay? That is the reason you need to give to give her her leave out. Not that you need one.

As to your son leaving with her, there isn’t much you can do but to state what you want best for him and leave it there. Make sure he knows he can come back any time he needs...without her.

My advice for what it's worth would be for you to have a conversation with your son, as his girlfriend is (currently) nothing to you. You tell him that you're giving them 30 days (or pick a duration) for them both to be moved out of your home. As you are the one paying the bills, even with any sort of donation, they aren't going to be paying for what they have used up to now, so you get to call the shots here.
If you like having your son around, you could give him an option that he is welcome to stay a little longer, by himself, if she finds somewhere else to live (but phrase it in whatever way you want to for you).
Then on the day that you've given him as the cut off date to be out by, change the locks.

20 something ?

He should have left home years ago.

Chuck them both out.

I completely agree with the support that you have been given above. You are not doing any of you any favours allowing this situation to continue. Give her a firm date for leaving your home and stick to it, no matter what you assume the consequences will be, ie son leaving too? You may discover that their relationship is not as strong as you believe it to be and given a little time she may just move on out of both of your lives, especially if she has to pay rent somewhere. She appears to be an opportunistic bully and they generally do move on when someone stands up to them. Good luck, thoughts and prayers with you.

Sorry OP but you need to put in rules, you’ve decided to let them stay (for now) but you need to tell them both the vaping and smoking stops right now, the abuse stops … just helping with bills and trying to do better isn’t enough

Have a calm talk with your son. Tell him he is always welcome to live with you but you cannot have his gf in the house anymore and she needs to leave asap. Where she goes is not your concern.

As soon as she started vaping, weed smoking and disrespecting you and your home she should have been gone. I would not want my son with someone like that and you are enabling them. By turfing her out she won’t be homeless as she has options and if your son goes with her then he’ll soon be back when he realises what a big bad world it is out there. If you aren’t strong enough to chuck her out get someone to help you. If you leave it as it is the problem will return.

I read the most recent update, where your son has apologised. However, I would still put it in writing - what happened, what she said and did, and how you to expect him and her to conduct themselves in your house. Name an amount for board and lodging and how often it is to be paid.

I’d also state the consequences for any transgressions.

Then I’d email it to him, cc’d to her if you have her email. If not, state in your email it’s to be forwarded to her.

This way you have it in writing and there can be no misunderstanding plus you have an evidence trail if it is needed.

Good luck..

Whatever you do don’t leave them in the house alone when they are moving out or they may trash the place or steal your property

Have u got any support while going through all this .? Such as family, friends, work colleagues. Chatting in real life will help with a clear perspective. Words are cheap , it’s actions you need from ur son . Be prepared for the same situation to occur. This time mean what u say , out they go . Good luck with this and I hope u end up with a nice peaceful home.

You kick them out.

Thank you for all the advice. Just to clarify a few things.

My DS left home a few years ago, lived abroad for 4 years and has come back so is not like he has always lived at home. I have other adult DC living in the house that are supportive of me so I don't live in fear of my own DS in the way that has been suggested.

He has never been physically violent towards me but does have a temper that he tries to control. He is more likely to punch a wall than me for example. He is ND and struggled with school etc. He is very helpful most of the time, eg. gardening, fixing stuff. The girlfriend is not helpful at all and is rude to other family members too - my other DC don't like her.

This may sound like I am making excuses for him, and my other DC would agree that I am too soft on him because of his issues.

DS and his girlfriend are now setting themselves up in an old caravan in the garden. I think they plan to spend the summer in it. At least it is out of the house although they will need access to the house to use the bathroom. I will avoid the gf as much as possible whilst planning a long-term strategy for when they have had enough of the caravan.

I don't know why you didn't say all that to begin with, but considering your son has lived away from home he is capable of living an adult life. It doesn't matter if you don't like his girlfriend if she leaves which I think she should then your son might go with her. .but you can't let her stay because your son will be upset.

Remove this caravan today. They can live somewhere else in it. You don’t need the gf messing up your outside space as well as your home. Tell them no.

That's not really going to solve the basic problem.

You need to set the ground rules of behaviour

• No violence
• No verbal abuse
• No shouting
• Clean up after themselves in the house
• Treat all family members with respect

They need to show they act well and get on with the family for 2 weeks, before you let them move into a caravan in the garden.

And what are you going to do if she gets pregnant?

You're taking half-measures - instead of standing up for yourself while you can.

If you can't show tough love now - you never will. You'll just be a perpetual doormat.

Tell them to go and live in her home or somewhere else for 2 weeks. If you can't even get them out the house and on their own away from you for 2 weeks - you never will.

Your actions aren't helping you or the other adult children in your home. Someone has to grow up and act like a responsible parent in charge. Only you can set the standards and values in your own home - whether they live indoors or in the garden.