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AIBU?

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Original poster

She calls him work dad - but getting weird??

252 replies

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:02

My partner started a new job 6 months ago..he is co partnering in his friend's business so technically management.

A girl who's a friend of partners friend (sorry if that's confusing!) Also works there..she's just literally turned 18.

She adopted the name work dad for DP. this seemed quite cute, innocent at first.
Our daughter is 16 so my partner can have this caring, dad nature. Which I get..he had always come across as caring and eager to help out.
However, recently he just non stop talks about her :( it's making me uncomfortable.. he is giving her frequent lifts as well..although no fault of her own.she does live quite far from.the office and recently failed her driving test so it appears she is desperate to drive and maybe DP is just doing it temporarily? I just don't know what to think? Is "working dad" an innocent name/gesture?
I can't make out if she likes him?! I know that sounds terrible but I feel like they've definitely become closer..he is planning for our 16 year old DD to work in the businesses cafe/office after her GCSEs alongside with this current "work daughter" so he has been encouraging their friendship and gone with dd to help her out once..I took this as a good sign that he purposely brought dd with him as it made it look quite innocent
I just don't know if I'm overreacting or is this him displaying a liking to her. Which in my eyes is pretty disgusting.
Also, she doesn't have a dad..her father died a few years ago which Dp Will mention to me if I try to say anything against the relationship.
.

OP posts:
Obeseandashamed · 28/04/2024 09:07

I read it as your husband feels sorry for her, sees her in the same way that he would his own daughter e.g feels bad her dad passed away, is trying to be helpful in a dad way and is looking out for her.

Obeseandashamed · 28/04/2024 09:08

It is uncommon these days but not entirely crazy and in the context I would see it as innocent not grooming type behaviour.

Original poster
Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:12

Can I just list a few things he does and see if this changes peoples perception:

He talks about sexual stuff with her
I think like office sex talk but still isn't that I appropriate?

Texts her after work hours

Has helped her on a weekend with something but did bring our dd with him and stayed just under an hour (as I asked him to)

Has gone out of his way to give her lifts..meaning he could finish work.earliet and get home but chooses to give her a lift which is the completely opposite way

He has added her on social media although she isn't active on it..

Does lunch with her but says he does this with other colleagues as well.

What boundaries should be put in place?

OP posts:
AFmammaG · 28/04/2024 09:13

I’d find it a bit weird but then I’ve seen many strange relationships begin at work, mostly between younger girls and older men. A variety of reasons, ego boost, someone trying to climb the ladder, midlife crisis. Never seen a genuine friendship that has lasted the distance in the circumstances you describe.

Given the woman’s age, do you think she will be in this job for long?

BiIIIie · 28/04/2024 09:15

He talks about sexual stuff with her? In what way? And how do you know this?

AFmammaG · 28/04/2024 09:16

He talks about sexual stuff with her
I think like office sex talk but still isn't that I appropriate?

This crosses a line for me. If it is entirely innocent from his perspective, he needs to be sensible and take steps to protect himself! Stop texting outside of work and stop the inappropriate language. She could accuse him of anything and as he’s the older one with more experience and in a position of responsibility it won’t look good for him.

AgnesX · 28/04/2024 09:16

Do you think your partner is a bit of a sleaze, because given that he's old enough to be her dad, he would be if he was entertaining ideas about an 18 year old.

Does he have form for having inappropriate crushes, are you insecure because of past history. If not maybe just not add anything to the conversation.

Cross post: what the hell is office sex talking???

MothQuandary · 28/04/2024 09:18

I voted U and then I saw your update and changed it, to NBU He’s talking about sexual stuff with her? No, that’s not all right, whether she’s 18 or 48, although obviously creepier with a teenager.

Createausername1970 · 28/04/2024 09:18

I could see my DH doing something like this, for very innocent reasons. But I would still feel uncomfortable.

If it were my DH I would have a conversation along the lines of what it looks like from the outside, and why that might lead to hurtful speculation or gossip, so as much as I appreciate he is trying to be helpful, could he reign it in a bit.

jengachampion · 28/04/2024 09:20

sounds wrong from the details you’ve added. Expand on the sexual stuff etc?

From my experience older men who genuinely have a protective nonsexual relationship with a younger colleague will run a mile from topics like this because they make the boundaries very clear. If you DON’T mean it that way, you take care not to muddy the waters, iyswim.

NewLifter · 28/04/2024 09:21

Op can you explain more about the sex chat and how you know this? It sounds really gross actually given her age. If an older colleague was talking about sex to my 18 year old, I would be advising her to stay away and go straight to HR!

TTPD · 28/04/2024 09:21

He talks about sexual stuff with her
I think like office sex talk but still isn't that I appropriate?

What does he talk about with her? And what is "office sex talk"?

TheTartfulLodger · 28/04/2024 09:21

Createausername1970 · 28/04/2024 09:18

I could see my DH doing something like this, for very innocent reasons. But I would still feel uncomfortable.

If it were my DH I would have a conversation along the lines of what it looks like from the outside, and why that might lead to hurtful speculation or gossip, so as much as I appreciate he is trying to be helpful, could he reign it in a bit.

You could see your DH talking about sexual stuff about a young girl at work? 😳

Obeseandashamed · 28/04/2024 09:21

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:12

Can I just list a few things he does and see if this changes peoples perception:

He talks about sexual stuff with her
I think like office sex talk but still isn't that I appropriate?

Texts her after work hours

Has helped her on a weekend with something but did bring our dd with him and stayed just under an hour (as I asked him to)

Has gone out of his way to give her lifts..meaning he could finish work.earliet and get home but chooses to give her a lift which is the completely opposite way

He has added her on social media although she isn't active on it..

Does lunch with her but says he does this with other colleagues as well.

What boundaries should be put in place?

Woahhhhh what is office sex talk? I'm not a prude and work with a pretty young team but sex is never on the list of topics unless they're moaning about somebody who's really uptight and it's said they need a bit of decent sex in their life. The office sex talk puts a completely different context on this and I take back what I said before 😬

ManchesterBeatrice · 28/04/2024 09:22

What sexual stuff?

blimeyslimey · 28/04/2024 09:24

From your update, yes it’s inappropriate. He has a crush on her and he’s indulging it.

jengachampion · 28/04/2024 09:24

Also how do you know he texts her after work hours and what about? Definitely crossing a line there. Hopefully she’s not feeling uncomfortable- I’ve definitely been there as that 18 year old employee

steppingcarefully · 28/04/2024 09:25

Anyone with a 16 year old daughter talking sex stuff with an 18 year old is gross in my opinion and definitely overstepping boundaries. How would he feel if a man of his age was doing this with your daughter in a couple of years time? It is all totally inappropriate.

35965a · 28/04/2024 09:25

Mentionitis plus the rest of what you said looks really bad for your DH.

ChampagneGold · 28/04/2024 09:25

Well the sex talk is highly unprofessional at best

and downright sleazy at worst.

He needs to be very careful he might well find himself in the shit if she decides to complain about him.

Or they could start a full blown affair!

Who knows what might happen. Your husband is clearly loving all of the attention. The 'stand in Dad' routine is a load of bollocks imo.

Original poster
Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:26

Sorry bit vague but he mentioned she brought her boyfriend into the office once and the conversation turned to her not liking the word "willy"
I find that quite sexual..wouldn't be surprised if there's more and he hasn't told me

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/04/2024 09:27

BiIIIie · 28/04/2024 09:15

He talks about sexual stuff with her? In what way? And how do you know this?

This. Everything else seems fine and him wanting to be helpful to her.

SallyWD · 28/04/2024 09:27

Your second post changes my opinion somewhat. What do you mean by office sex talk? I work in an office and we don't indulge in sex talk. A middle aged man talking sexually to an 18 year old girl is a bit off... (I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed).
Your first post is you worrying whether she likes him. Your second post seems to be all about whether he fancies her! To be honest, it's really not beyond the realms of possibility that a grown man would fancy a teenager. You just have to spend 5 minutes on Pornhub to see that many/most of the videos mention teens. If he's going out of his way to spend time with her and they're talking sexually then yes - perhaps it's not entirely innocent.
There are several different scenarios - maybe she fancies him but it's not mutual. Maybe she sees him as a father figure but he fancies her. Maybe he's just enjoying the attention of a younger woman but would never even consider taking it further. Maybe they both fancy each each other. Maybe they're really not at all interested in each other but it's just banter. So many possibilities!
However, I think he'd be wise to back off a little. Even if it's entirely 100% innocent it's really not a good look to be hanging out with a teenage girl, messaging her outside work etc.

Fannyfiggs · 28/04/2024 09:28

Office sex talk?? Does your husband work in the 1980s?

I've honestly not heard office sex talk in 35 years and if there was I'd put a stop to it. I couldn't be further from a prude but there's a time and a place and the office isn't it.

And an adult man joining in with sex talk with a young woman who is only two years older than his daughter is a definite red flag.

KezzaMucklowe · 28/04/2024 09:31

You think her disclosing that she doesn’t like the word Willy is a sexual conversation ?