Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

She calls him work dad - but getting weird??

252 replies

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:02

My partner started a new job 6 months ago..he is co partnering in his friend's business so technically management.

A girl who's a friend of partners friend (sorry if that's confusing!) Also works there..she's just literally turned 18.

She adopted the name work dad for DP. this seemed quite cute, innocent at first.
Our daughter is 16 so my partner can have this caring, dad nature. Which I get..he had always come across as caring and eager to help out.
However, recently he just non stop talks about her :( it's making me uncomfortable.. he is giving her frequent lifts as well..although no fault of her own.she does live quite far from.the office and recently failed her driving test so it appears she is desperate to drive and maybe DP is just doing it temporarily? I just don't know what to think? Is "working dad" an innocent name/gesture?
I can't make out if she likes him?! I know that sounds terrible but I feel like they've definitely become closer..he is planning for our 16 year old DD to work in the businesses cafe/office after her GCSEs alongside with this current "work daughter" so he has been encouraging their friendship and gone with dd to help her out once..I took this as a good sign that he purposely brought dd with him as it made it look quite innocent
I just don't know if I'm overreacting or is this him displaying a liking to her. Which in my eyes is pretty disgusting.
Also, she doesn't have a dad..her father died a few years ago which Dp Will mention to me if I try to say anything against the relationship.
.

OP posts:
Whatinthedoopla · 29/04/2024 19:55

I would fine this so inappropriate if my DP did this. Imagine if the woman was the same age as him, would this be appropriate?

Is it only appropriate because she is a lot younger?

I would ask my partner to stop talking about sexual things with her, and no longer able to take her home, that's her business, not his.

KreedKafer · 29/04/2024 19:56

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:26

Sorry bit vague but he mentioned she brought her boyfriend into the office once and the conversation turned to her not liking the word "willy"
I find that quite sexual..wouldn't be surprised if there's more and he hasn't told me

This is not ‘office sex talk’ ffs

KreedKafer · 29/04/2024 19:59

Becgoz7 · 29/04/2024 18:12

I know that my husband wouldn't be comfortable alone with a young girl in the car. My DD is 21 and he won't drop her friends home unless she is with them.

It is worrying that you have these thoughts about your husband, has he ever done anything in the past to make you distrust him?

Can he not guarantee he won’t be able to resist raping them, then?

Or does he think they’re going to find him so irresistible that they’re going to throw themselves at him?

Barney60 · 29/04/2024 20:21

I think HE NEEDS TO BE VERY CAREFUL however innocent it is .
I work with 5 girls in our department , have done so for 4 years, we never have talked about sexual things or in your words office sex talk.
I would be asking him to stop one to one stuff, with others around or involved its ok, can you imagine if next Christmas theres a Christmas party, he in all innocence slings his arm around her in a friendly gesture, she can then report him for groping, in absolute WORST case scenario it ends up in court, this IS for the innocent ones how they end up on the paedophile list, just warn him to be very careful.
I have worded the absolute worst case but this is possibly how sometimes these things can be misinterpreted.

SallyWD · 29/04/2024 20:32

Thinking back to when I was a very young woman at work. There were several much older men who were kind of like father figures. They were just nice, supportive people who helped me out. There was never a hint of anything inappropriate. They didn't repeatedly get in touch with me outside office hours or indulge in sexual banter or do me favours at the weekend. I got the odd lift occasionally if we were doing something off site but that's it. It was all strictly professional and work related.
There was one older man however who crossed a line I feel. He never made a pass at me but always seemed far too interested. He would contact me outside work, he would often make sexual jokes, he repeatedly offered to help me with non-work related things. It was all too much and I felt suffocated. I couldn't even talk to friends at the office without him appearing and joining in. I wish he could have backed off! I wonder if your DH is like him...

hareagain · 29/04/2024 20:34

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 14:11

@Bobbotgegrinch

Thank you..thank you to the 'work dads'that have commented..that's exactly the perspective I was hoping to get.
I actually feel bad for her losing her dad and having no family except her mum here (she is foreign) but sadly, I think my dh has other intentions

My plan is to maybe get my daughter to say something.. they actually swapped numbers as they will be working together come.the summer.
I've asked my daughter what she thinks and she says it's odd how much he talks about her so I said when you're alone together just call him up on it..maybe it will hit him coming from his daughter.

For the love of God no! Please do not involve you're daughter in your plans.

To add, my husband would absolutely not be offering lifts to employees on a regular basis for all sorts of reasons. Given the history, id be questioning your DH's motives.

Sennelier1 · 29/04/2024 20:36

I don't think your husband deserves you. He most certainly does not deserve the second chance you gave him. You would probably be better of without him, but of coirse I can't look into your heart.

Drapion · 29/04/2024 20:39

Don't drag your daughter into this! This is an issue between you and him. Stop talking to her about it, she's your daughter not your confidant! In the long run if you continue it will cause her a lot of harm.

Next if you are unhappy say so, explain why and explain to him that your relationship is still in its early stages of healing and by bringing in complications at this crucial stage, it's not going to survive. If he refuses then it's clear that he isn't as invested in fixing things as you are. Whether it's true or not he shouldn't be doing anything that harms his relationship so early in coming back together.

Toptops · 29/04/2024 20:40

yabu. That's not sex chat and your old man is being kind rather than creepy.
Why are you so suspicious?
Give your head a wobble

LarkRiseSummer · 29/04/2024 20:49

Toptops · 29/04/2024 20:40

yabu. That's not sex chat and your old man is being kind rather than creepy.
Why are you so suspicious?
Give your head a wobble

Hello OP's husband 😄

OldPerson · 29/04/2024 21:22

Male/female work relationships with not just an imbalance of power but also an imbalance in age need boundaries.

Ask him what those boundaries are?

Because he's starting to act like a dad outside the work place, by getting involved with her failing her driving test and offering her lifts.

Tell him to act like a manager - and if she needs a driving test, get the company to sponsor more driving lessons or a repeat test.

If the company is not willing to do that - he's crossed a line.

She's a teenager. All teenagers like to push boundaries. Equally all teenagers are vulnerable to people in power.

Ask partner how he would feel if a man of his age stepped in and started giving 1:1 lifts to his daughter to school.

Then tell him to grow up, get some perspective and start acting like a manager.

This girl almost certainly would not. But ask him if she made a complaint to the police about unwanted sexual advances or assault - how would he defend himself to police? How would he justify alone time with her? He's making himself unnecessarily vulnerable - by being unprofessional.

Are his actions legitimate business manager actions - or is he straying into grey territory without boundaries?

Tell him to grow up, get wiser and be more professional. Because eventually, maybe not with this person, his unprofessionalism will bite him in the backside.

And if a female employee (any future female employee of any age) makes a complaint about him. He's already got a reputation of spending unnecessary 1:1 time outside the work office with a teenage female employee.

Conniebygaslight · 29/04/2024 21:23

oakleaffy · 28/04/2024 16:36

Not liking the term''Willy'' isn't sex talk.. ''Willy'' is an innocent name I associate with children- not adults.

But it refers to a penis so surely that’s inappropriate for talk between an 18 year old girl and her 40 odd year old boss….?

Bernardo1 · 29/04/2024 22:30

This us totally unacceptable, as he surely must know.
Tell him she must go or there will be consequences.

Becgoz7 · 29/04/2024 22:33

KreedKafer · 29/04/2024 19:59

Can he not guarantee he won’t be able to resist raping them, then?

Or does he think they’re going to find him so irresistible that they’re going to throw themselves at him?

You are fucking hilarious.

Do you think that it is worth the risk of a silly little girl making accusations? People's lives have been ruined because of these things.

Becgoz7 · 29/04/2024 22:36

Barney60 · 29/04/2024 20:21

I think HE NEEDS TO BE VERY CAREFUL however innocent it is .
I work with 5 girls in our department , have done so for 4 years, we never have talked about sexual things or in your words office sex talk.
I would be asking him to stop one to one stuff, with others around or involved its ok, can you imagine if next Christmas theres a Christmas party, he in all innocence slings his arm around her in a friendly gesture, she can then report him for groping, in absolute WORST case scenario it ends up in court, this IS for the innocent ones how they end up on the paedophile list, just warn him to be very careful.
I have worded the absolute worst case but this is possibly how sometimes these things can be misinterpreted.

Exactly. I know a teacher that was arrested because a girl made something up (later admitted that it was false allegations) it ruined his life 🥲

whynotwhatknot · 29/04/2024 22:42

hes cheated on op previously its not isolated

Roo07 · 29/04/2024 22:43

From another perspective, when I was 18 I worked with an older woman who I use to call ‘mummy (insert name)’ and no one thought it strange as she was female (so am I). We would joke about sexual things if you like (not sure what you really mean but like women do I suppose). Just because he is male why does it instantly mean there must be more to it? Do you not trust your husband?

MsDogLady · 29/04/2024 23:05

@Anastasia2, what are you thinking about it all today?

laminaHK · 29/04/2024 23:19

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:12

Can I just list a few things he does and see if this changes peoples perception:

He talks about sexual stuff with her
I think like office sex talk but still isn't that I appropriate?

Texts her after work hours

Has helped her on a weekend with something but did bring our dd with him and stayed just under an hour (as I asked him to)

Has gone out of his way to give her lifts..meaning he could finish work.earliet and get home but chooses to give her a lift which is the completely opposite way

He has added her on social media although she isn't active on it..

Does lunch with her but says he does this with other colleagues as well.

What boundaries should be put in place?

Wish I read this before I voted… 🤦🏼‍♀️
that’s uncomfortable to me, I’d let him know it makes you uncomfortable.

I have had work dads because I haven’t ever had a dad, but I never spoke about sex or saw them at weekends etc

Nagado · 29/04/2024 23:36

Roo07 · 29/04/2024 22:43

From another perspective, when I was 18 I worked with an older woman who I use to call ‘mummy (insert name)’ and no one thought it strange as she was female (so am I). We would joke about sexual things if you like (not sure what you really mean but like women do I suppose). Just because he is male why does it instantly mean there must be more to it? Do you not trust your husband?

If you look at the bottom of the original post, it will give you the option of seeing all the OP’s updates without you needing to read the entire thread.

In this case, it will include a full explanation of exactly why she doesn’t trust her husband. Hint, it has nothing to do with him being male and everything to do with him being an abusive cheater.

LightSpeeds · 29/04/2024 23:51

You seem to be distracting yourself with the details of this latest liaison.

Wake up! He's a lying, cheating sleazebag.

Pippetypoppity · 30/04/2024 01:02

You need to knock this on the head Op. He’s heading in a dangerous direction and needs a bloody good talking to. I don’t doubt he’s in denial but the fact that he talks about her so much is a dead giveaway really. You need to step in and make it quite clear that you will not humour this behaviour and he needs to get a grip of himself. Show him all the responses you’ve had here if he thinks you’re being unreasonable. He’s trying to kid himself, you and your real daughter. He wouldn’t be anywhere near as close to this girl if she looked like the back end of a bus I absolutely bet you! Stay strong Op.

Bowies · 30/04/2024 05:32

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:12

Can I just list a few things he does and see if this changes peoples perception:

He talks about sexual stuff with her
I think like office sex talk but still isn't that I appropriate?

Texts her after work hours

Has helped her on a weekend with something but did bring our dd with him and stayed just under an hour (as I asked him to)

Has gone out of his way to give her lifts..meaning he could finish work.earliet and get home but chooses to give her a lift which is the completely opposite way

He has added her on social media although she isn't active on it..

Does lunch with her but says he does this with other colleagues as well.

What boundaries should be put in place?

I think you should have included the sexual stuff in the OP; that’s totally inappropriate and yes he’s crossed a boundary and his behaviour deserves a hard challenge.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 30/04/2024 22:13

She was managing ok before he started there. Has he offered more and more lifts?
If it's leading to an affair, your DD being there or knowing the girl won't change anything.
You know him better than us, so go with your gut.

Even if he isn't having an affair, it's a shame he's dragged your daughter into it as the sex talk changes everything.

LimeSheep · 01/05/2024 07:47

I literally signed up so I could join to follow along for this. I need an update on how it goes. And if you ever want me to stalk them or whatever. I’m down.