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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She calls him work dad - but getting weird??

252 replies

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 09:02

My partner started a new job 6 months ago..he is co partnering in his friend's business so technically management.

A girl who's a friend of partners friend (sorry if that's confusing!) Also works there..she's just literally turned 18.

She adopted the name work dad for DP. this seemed quite cute, innocent at first.
Our daughter is 16 so my partner can have this caring, dad nature. Which I get..he had always come across as caring and eager to help out.
However, recently he just non stop talks about her :( it's making me uncomfortable.. he is giving her frequent lifts as well..although no fault of her own.she does live quite far from.the office and recently failed her driving test so it appears she is desperate to drive and maybe DP is just doing it temporarily? I just don't know what to think? Is "working dad" an innocent name/gesture?
I can't make out if she likes him?! I know that sounds terrible but I feel like they've definitely become closer..he is planning for our 16 year old DD to work in the businesses cafe/office after her GCSEs alongside with this current "work daughter" so he has been encouraging their friendship and gone with dd to help her out once..I took this as a good sign that he purposely brought dd with him as it made it look quite innocent
I just don't know if I'm overreacting or is this him displaying a liking to her. Which in my eyes is pretty disgusting.
Also, she doesn't have a dad..her father died a few years ago which Dp Will mention to me if I try to say anything against the relationship.
.

OP posts:
AmethystSparkles · 28/04/2024 14:30

He’s got a crush on her and gives her lots of attention and lifts to work. I doubt very much whether she’s interested in him…why would she be?

I was friends with a few older men when I was young and naive (actually I still have one now - I’m 51 and he’s 73🤣). Most men like to forget how old they are and fool themselves into thinking a younger woman will be interested. But mostly, she’ll be using them for attention, lifts and somewhere to hang around (if they’re single).

That’s not all men, but probably over fifty percent.

Applescruffle · 28/04/2024 14:31

Your husband is an untrustworthy sleaze OP and you know it.
Please be an adult, stop involving your DD and LTB.

Eieiom · 28/04/2024 14:36

I think when you're a manager, you have to be very careful about how you spend time with/communicate with subordinates.
What he's doing is fairly unprofessional and naive at best and if they had to let her go for whatever reason, well it wouldn't look good.
I would regard any talk relating to sex as open to accusations of harassment at work.

nextcrapthing · 28/04/2024 14:44

Did you tell her mother or dad your concern?
She/ he may be disgusted by it and keep an eye on her daughter.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 28/04/2024 14:52

I often wonder if these posts are real.

You know your husband is a sleazy, boundaryless fucker with a strong interest on other woman. You know she has cheated on you in the past. You know what he's like and you know he won't change.

You still seem to start for whatever reason and that's your choice but do not drag your daughter into this crap. It's not her role to defend you or to hold your husband accountable. WTAF?

BirthdayRainbow · 28/04/2024 14:56

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 14:11

@Bobbotgegrinch

Thank you..thank you to the 'work dads'that have commented..that's exactly the perspective I was hoping to get.
I actually feel bad for her losing her dad and having no family except her mum here (she is foreign) but sadly, I think my dh has other intentions

My plan is to maybe get my daughter to say something.. they actually swapped numbers as they will be working together come.the summer.
I've asked my daughter what she thinks and she says it's odd how much he talks about her so I said when you're alone together just call him up on it..maybe it will hit him coming from his daughter.

Really unfair to get your dd to do your dirty work. That is just a phrase by the way as clearly it is your h who's is doing the dirty work..

Seaside3 · 28/04/2024 14:58

All those thinking she's not interested, give your heads a wobble. I've seen plenty of young ladies be flattered by an older man in charge and embark on affairs.

HaggisBurger · 28/04/2024 15:06

RetroTotty · 28/04/2024 14:27

WTF???

Disgusting of you. Ugh.

Show quote history

This. Tbh the fact that you are back with this guy spreak volumes.

Don't drag your daughter into your boundary-less chaotic life. Honestly you sound like you deserve him tbh.

GRex · 28/04/2024 15:11

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 14:11

@Bobbotgegrinch

Thank you..thank you to the 'work dads'that have commented..that's exactly the perspective I was hoping to get.
I actually feel bad for her losing her dad and having no family except her mum here (she is foreign) but sadly, I think my dh has other intentions

My plan is to maybe get my daughter to say something.. they actually swapped numbers as they will be working together come.the summer.
I've asked my daughter what she thinks and she says it's odd how much he talks about her so I said when you're alone together just call him up on it..maybe it will hit him coming from his daughter.

That's an appalling way to treat your DD. Why are you involving her in this? If he's not trustworthy then break up and move on. You should be thoroughly ashamed for even thinking this way OP.

Crunchymum · 28/04/2024 15:15

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 14:11

@Bobbotgegrinch

Thank you..thank you to the 'work dads'that have commented..that's exactly the perspective I was hoping to get.
I actually feel bad for her losing her dad and having no family except her mum here (she is foreign) but sadly, I think my dh has other intentions

My plan is to maybe get my daughter to say something.. they actually swapped numbers as they will be working together come.the summer.
I've asked my daughter what she thinks and she says it's odd how much he talks about her so I said when you're alone together just call him up on it..maybe it will hit him coming from his daughter.

Do not involve your daughter in this.

You should be protecting her from this shit, not directly involving her.

You are the parent, she is the child. Keep your boundaries and keep her out of this mess.

KomodoOhno · 28/04/2024 15:23

It does seem a bit off to me.

CatherineofAmazon · 28/04/2024 15:25

You need to deal with your own shit OP. Don’t get your daughter to do your dirty work.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/04/2024 15:28

Yes it’s weird. An older man displaying a specific interest in a younger woman like this is always unwise - he should have better boundaries - and the mentionitis is on full display.

Mixing your DD in as he has is hiding in plain sight I think.

Original poster
Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 15:30

I've not involved her..she's the one who mentioned it first which is one of the reasons iv been suspicious. She said he's always talking about her.
That's why I asked what she thought..
She's very mature for a 16 year old.

Other posters on here telling me to warn the girl or tell her mum my concerns. Isn't that the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 15:32

Don't you think on some level my daughter may also be jealous because it feels like he's giving her more attention than his own child? Bear in mind they're of similar age, similar height / looks

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 28/04/2024 15:33

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 15:32

Don't you think on some level my daughter may also be jealous because it feels like he's giving her more attention than his own child? Bear in mind they're of similar age, similar height / looks

No
Irrelevant the similarities. Creepy to think that.

itakemywhiskeyneaaaaaat · 28/04/2024 15:37

YANBU OP this is disgusting.
I was very close to my first boss - we had similar 'niche' personalities. I didn't call him work dad but he helped me move house, attended my wedding etc.
He'd never have discussed sexual stuff with me, nor text me all the time... That veers into unsavoury territory.

Woman up and tell your husband how unacceptable this is.

Newyearoldhair · 28/04/2024 15:39

Saw similar play out many years ago. Young woman was also 18, her " work dad " was 46. He left his wife & kids for her. She came to us as a YTS aged 17.
He would also go out of his way to help her, give lifts ect.

Original poster
Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 15:51

YTS?

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 28/04/2024 15:57

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 15:51

YTS?

Youth Training Scheme. Similar to an apprenticeship.

Conniebygaslight · 28/04/2024 15:59

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 15:30

I've not involved her..she's the one who mentioned it first which is one of the reasons iv been suspicious. She said he's always talking about her.
That's why I asked what she thought..
She's very mature for a 16 year old.

Other posters on here telling me to warn the girl or tell her mum my concerns. Isn't that the same?

Telling the mum of the girl or the girl herself of your concerns is NOT the same thing as asking your own DD to get involved. How on earth would you think it is?!

StarbucksQueen1 · 28/04/2024 16:00

Wow are you stupid?! No offence meant by this but he cheated with a work colleague before and you took him back. Now he’s being a sleaze with a young girl and even your own child knows and feels weird about it. You need to get rid of him and protect your kids from this dick.

LarkRiseSummer · 28/04/2024 16:09

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 28/04/2024 11:21

It makes no difference if she fancies him and the likelihood is she probably doesn't.

It's what he thinks of her that matter does he see her as a kid or a women? Is he attracted to her?

I'd explain the sex chat, texting and lifts make you uncomfortable and ask him to dial it back

I agree. He sounds a bit infatuated with her, and the mentionitis is always a red flag.

emmypa · 28/04/2024 16:14

Sounds like your DP has a crush on her, maybe it's mutual, maybe not. Your instincts are telling you something isn't right here, so listen. This bothers you, so you need to tell him very plainly. His reaction will either reassure you or it will cause a row. If you're his priority, as you should be, he should be removing himself from this situation at your request.

GCAcademic · 28/04/2024 16:18

Anastasia2 · 28/04/2024 10:39

For the posters saying he could be in trouble.. he can't.. he and his friend are the business owners.. Well he's a partner. His friend also knows of the relationship they have and doesn't say anything?
There's no HR..they are the HR
She's only there working as a favour to her mum apparently that DPs friend/business partner has known for years.

Also her mother is aware he gives her lifts but doesn't say anything

Not having a HR doesn't put them above the law. If this workplace situtation develops to one where this young woman feels she has to leave, she can bring a constructive dismissal case, whatever kind of company it is.

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