Partner threw table and chair

[helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo]

Please help. In the context of an argument all morning about how my partner doesn't help as much as I need around the house and how I feel like I'm drowning, he has just picked up a dining chair and thrown it across the room and tipped the dining table over breaking my stuff and terrifying our small child. He's upstairs telling me to go away and leave him alone and it's my fault because I "kept going on at him".

Was this my fault? I'll admit I've been emotional and stressed lately and picking up on a lot of stuff he's not doing that I need his support with, did I drive him to this?? I don't know what to do I'm so scared

It can feel like an impossible task, getting out of a situation like this.
On average, a woman will endure 35 violent incidents before reporting it to the police and it takes approximately 7 attempts before a survivor permanently leaves an abusive partner.
It can be done and you will thank yourself everyday for the rest of your life for doing it, I know from experience. This will only get worse if you stay with him.

I know that people are just trying to help but yelling at the OP to leave or the phone the police just isn't helpful. It's not a soap opera, it's real life and women need time to work out what to do. She has to navigate the next steps on her own terms.

Please do call women's aid or Refuge @helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo
They won't judge or make you do anything you don't want to do, and they are very wise and knowledgeable.

I hope you get some rest and calm.

So what's the current housing situation? Do you own or rent and who's name is it all in?

OP please don’t let this incident pass without consequences for him.

The defensive tone of your last post and lack of response to people suggesting you call the police, ask him to leave or find somewhere else to stay tonight makes me think that you are erring towards sweeping it under the carpet.

This is your choice to make but remember that your daughter also has to live with your decision and there is a lot of support for you should you choose to leave.

No one has the right to make you feel that scared. Has he been violent in the past?

You have to talk to someone about this. Either go to your GP or to the police but if you don't do anything it's just going to get worse. Of course he's pretending it hasn't happened. He has absolutely no justification for behaving like that. Do either of you have family you can stay with?

People can drive each other into unreasonable behaviour, but what he did went way beyond that. He could have killed you, he could have hurt your child. He's a violent bully, and he's blaming you.

My advice (based on experience with my first husband a long time ago) is to leave. Someone who does something like that won't change.

You are not in any way to blame for his behaviour.

Getting the same sense. Asked 6 hours ago about the housing situation and no response.

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/national-domestic-abuse-helpline/#:~:text=Call%200808%202000%20247.

I’ve read your posts but not the whole thread. I think this has reached the stage where you need qualified help. They won’t try and push you into anything, just give you the options.

I’m so sorry OP, this is an awful situation but it is not of your making.

Please understand that if you do not leave you will be showing your daughter that this behaviour is ok and can/should be tolerated. You will constantly be fearful of repeat incidents - and so will your daughter. You don’t want her to grow up in fear and you don’t want this to become her ‘normal’. If you want to prevent her tolerating similar in her own relationships as an adult then you have to show her that this line can’t be crossed.

Daddy didn’t do something naughty - daddy is unable to control his temper. Talk to her about choices we can make to handle our feelings, things we can do when we get angry - leave the room/count to ten/run around the garden/do ten star jumps. It’s not wrong to feel angry, but it is always wrong to hit/hurt/frighten other people.

Your partner is abusive. Please don’t marry him and do not get pregnant (take contraception into your own hands, morning after pill when necessary - it’s not a risk you can afford to run).

Call women’s aid, make a plan, lean on friends in real life, ask for help and accept every offer going. Really recommend you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle app or Apple Books and read discreetly).

Good luck 💐

Why haven’t you called the police? When you don’t set boundaries things get worse

This is a man who explodes and threatens the safety of his pregnant partner merely because he doesn't want to do any of the domestic chores.
She cannot risk enraging this dreadful proto-hominid any further, he isnt going to meekly pack his things and go😟

Don't forget, you "nagged" him because he's shirking his responsibilities as a father and husband and leaving you to be worn into the ground.

You wouldn't have needed to "nag" if he hadn't been a useless lazy parasite in the first place. "Nagging" is men's repeated failure to do their duties, resulting in repeated requests for them to step up. Never feel like you've done something wrong.

He's playing the victim because after forcing this unfair workload onto you, you dared to speak to him about it.

He is at fault, in every single way. Forcing unfair work on you, accusing you of "nagging", threatening you with domestic violence (which is what smashing furniture is) and terrifying you and your child, and now blaming you for his violence.

Oh come on, mr volcano is a clear & present danger to the OP, she is too vulnerable to try and take control of the situation, she needs outside intervention.
Stop trying to her imply it's her fault, whose side are you on here?

Sorry but it’s easy for someone to say that when they’ve been prosecuted. I know a number of violent males who haven’t been prosecuted (and one awaiting trial on remand for what he did to his last girlfriend). They aren’t sorry at all, and certainly aren’t crippled by shame. Minimising. Denial. Both of these. Several of them are quite open with their behaviour, think it’s funny when they are challenged. They don’t think they will be punished for it.

No doubt if they are ever to face legal justice they will suddenly be crippled with shame and emotional dysregulation, especially when it may affect their sentence or impact on bail or parole.

Call me cynical. You and I clearly have very different exposure to these sort of men.

Please please call police and he’ll be in cells tonight. Then you can get a non molestation order to keep him away.
In the future, your daughter will be proud of you for protecting her.

Red flag! Ltb! Sorry!

It’s definitely domestic violence I lived like that for years. Especially when it gets blamed on you.

As for wetting yourself don’t you dare be embarrassed by that, the person literally terrifying you is the person who needs to be downright ashamed of their actions.

However much you are shaking try to stay calm and get your baby girl and leave. It doesn’t matter where you go as long as you are not anywhere near him. Call women’s aid if you have no family or friends, the abusers usually ostracise us from them and thrn start escalating the violence.

OP you did nothing wrong.

I can understand going home. You will still be in shock and processing everything.

If things have settled at home for now perhaps make some calls first thing on Monday morning.

Don't engage in conversation about it all with him. Just be calm and if he pushes say you want to forget about it.

Your child is verbal and upset. She will go to nursery or preschool and tell them her daddy was scary and what he did. Tell them first before she does. Make it clear you will be seeking help to end this abusive and dangerous relationship to safeguard your child and yourself.

Reporting the incident not only holds him accountable, it gets it "on file" which can be very useful if there are future incidents, or in terms of you child who likely won't now feel safe in her dad's company. 😔

Do you both have your names on the house? Is it owned or rented? Whatever your housing situation there are ways and processes for you to be free of him. Even remaining on your current home or finding a new place.

Safety and happiness IS possible! But not if you stay with him.

Just seen you have had to go back home that’s understandable. Just to let you know if things escalate and you call 999 they are usually with you in minutes and will remove him.

She's not pregnant.

He no longer wants to marry you
He has been violent which has both intimidated and scared you
He did this with your child present.your child could have been injured.
He no longer values your relationship.
He is volatile and unstable.
Please, please get out now.Call the police and tell them you want to make a complaint and a statement about a domestic incident. Take you and your child to a safe place immediately.
Do not talk to him face to face. Preferably only by text or email so you have proof of what has been said.. if he doesn't have the decency to move out of your home I hope you are able to find somewhere else quickly and that you have friends and family to help you through this.
Don't be surprised if he has been cheating on you.

Please keep a record of all of this. Wetting yourself shows how terrified you were, do not be ashamed, the shame is his not yours! Rational people do not throw furniture around. Please leave him. It’ll only get worse.

Thanks for putting me straight & apologies for the misinformation.

@exomoon
Sorry I haven't been glued to this thread while my life falls apart. I've spent the day trying to just survive and breathe.

Housing situation is we rent jointly.