Partner threw table and chair

[helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo]

Please help. In the context of an argument all morning about how my partner doesn't help as much as I need around the house and how I feel like I'm drowning, he has just picked up a dining chair and thrown it across the room and tipped the dining table over breaking my stuff and terrifying our small child. He's upstairs telling me to go away and leave him alone and it's my fault because I "kept going on at him".

Was this my fault? I'll admit I've been emotional and stressed lately and picking up on a lot of stuff he's not doing that I need his support with, did I drive him to this?? I don't know what to do I'm so scared

Yes private

Both names on the agreement

I've read so many lovely replies on here and you are all wonderful and are giving me the strength I need to build myself back up. Thank you so much.

I've told my friend the full ins and outs of what happened and she's been great. She's just listened non judgementally, which is much needed. She said her door is always open for me and DD. She's a diamond truly.

Sending love and strength for you and LO XX

If only he’d used his energy to get up off his stinking ass to help you out rather than throwing a bloody adult tantrum. The f**kin big bully.
Your say your heart is breaking for your little one. Well you really don’t have a choice here, you have to get out of this relationship, because I guarantee you it will happen again.

Do you have any family that you could stay with ?

I guess he goes to work ?
on Monday ?

so if ' all well ' between now and Monday I would phone Womans' Aid and get advice from them.

you can also turn up at your council offices and say you have had to leave your partner due to violent domestic abuse.

they will put you into emergency accom - it's usually not brilliant, but it is safe and it is not forever.

and your allocated housing officer will assist you getting onto the Local Authorities housing waiting list.

if it is not all well between now and Monday when he goes to work

phone the police !!!

and get out / get the police to remove him

you CAN do this, you ARE strong
you gave birth to a baby !!!

I am so pleased and relieved to see your update regarding having a friend who has your back.

Unfortunately family are not local (think the sort of distance between London and Newcastle). I could stay with my friend if push came to shove but she doesn't have a huge house and loads of space. I'm biding my time here for now. I need space and time to think. My head is whirring with a mass of jumbled thoughts and I feel so flat and low, I can't make sense of any of that right now. My priority this evening has been staying as normal and routine focussed as possible for my daughter. Tomorrow I hope I will be able to think and plan, after sleep.

Thank you all again for a safe space to vent and make sense of things

My heart breaks for you. Whist everyone says you need to leave, call the police etc is 100% accurate you need to breathe. It’s time to formulate a plan for you and your child. Talk to womens aid, domestic violence charities, see what benefits are available. Let the ladling know he’s not on the tenancy due to DV. Ask what help is available to you.

Mainly I just wanted to say- this is not your fault and from someone who’s been there, their behaviour won’t get better, I promise you it won’t. He’s shown you who he is- believe it. You and your child WILL be happy and that will be all down to you. You’ve been so strong posting this, keep on being strong. We believe in you.

This is what perpetrators of domestic violence do. They try to blame what they have done on the victim, for ‘going on at them’, ‘nagging’ or ‘provoking’, when the reality is they are responsible for their own behaviour. Don’t for a second let him believe otherwise.

CALL. THE. POLICE. NOW!

Sorry, I asked if he had blamed other stuff on you before and then vanished out for the day and didn't come back to check your reply. I've caught up now. It's not just about the furniture throwing incident is it. This might be the thing that makes you see what he really is, but it sounds like it's not the first time he's tried to make you responsible for his bad behaviour. The way you were asking at the beginning of this thread if this is your fault shows that he's really done a number on you. No rational person could possibly think that his violence is your fault, but if he's had a pattern of blaming you before you do end up questioning yourself. Years from now when you look back I think you'll see so clearly how very much it is not your fault, but when you're in the middle of it and he's gaslighting you it's so hard to think straight.

You need to get away from him. Get your essentials packed up ready so you can leave in a hurry if you need to. It must be so scary for you right now. You can get through this and come out the other side. Do follow people's advice on where to get help. You are far from the first person to go through this, and there is support available. Sending big hugs.

I think (but Shelter/Citizens’ Advice should be able to tell you) that either of you can end the rental agreement if you’re past the original tenancy agreement and on a periodic (ongoing) tenancy. Your landlord can agree to re-rent to you alone if that’s of any use. I’m told (by a police officer who is the domestic violence trained officer on his team) that it takes up to 9 incidents for someone to leave their violent partner. It isn’t as easy as just upping your life and leaving.

Take care, and no, of course it isn’t your fault. Sounds like you’re doing everything and he’s doing fuck all to help.

Sending hugs and strength. Of course this is not your fault.

As others have said you are absolutely not to blame, this is all on him. If you can find the headspace phone the police and report him and if you cannot find the strength to phone your family then send them this thread. If your parents are anything like mine they would move heaven and earth to help you. Also contact a dv charity and they will help you without judgement.

OP stated that he wasn't "helping" her too. It's completely the wrong word to use. He's not pulling his weight/doing his fair share/sharing the load. To say he should 'help' suggests that anything he does is a favour to OP - she works, he lives there too and should be doing his share!!

Honestly OP this breaks my heart. Please get away from this man. My granddaughter is also 3 years old and the thought of her experiencing this kind of violence makes me feel physically sick. Please tell your family - they can hopefully support you through this. If my son in law did anything like this to my daughter and granddaughter his feet wouldn't touch the ground on the way to the police station.

Please leave him immediately. Take your child and get out now anyway you can.

OP you know you have to split up. Perhaps do a Clare’s Law application too which may throw up history to strengthen your resolve. People don’t suddenly become that violent.

Can you talk to tje landlord? If this continyes there'll be no furniture left, which the landlord won't like.

Talk to the police and the landlord.
This is to give you options
You don't have to ptess charges if you don't want to but you do need a base of evidence.

Talk to a DV charity or Victim Support and they'll help you.

If DD is in nursery talk to them as her behaviour will change. They can and will help.

Get as much of ypur stuff put of there or he'll start destroying it.

Whatever you decide, pls start getting your ducks in a row. He's only going to get worse, especially if he thinks that he's got aesy with his arsey behaviour.

Sending love and hugs x

You are in an abusive relationship
Call women's aid
He needs to leave because he scared you and your child so much who knows what's next ?

Can you call a friend to be with you while he leaves

I was referring to the criticism for not setting boundaries, not the part about calling police.

Calling the police is a scary and big thing to do, I understand. I honestly hadn’t even thought what might happen when I made the call. My experience is that they will take you seriously and will remove your partner and bail him to stay away, which buys you time. I’ll echo everyone’s advice to talk to Woman’s Aid, they gave me practical advice at a horrible time.

If he is acting as if it never happened it’s not a good sign. It will most likely happen again.