Partner threw table and chair

[helpmepleaseidontknowwhattodo]

Please help. In the context of an argument all morning about how my partner doesn't help as much as I need around the house and how I feel like I'm drowning, he has just picked up a dining chair and thrown it across the room and tipped the dining table over breaking my stuff and terrifying our small child. He's upstairs telling me to go away and leave him alone and it's my fault because I "kept going on at him".

Was this my fault? I'll admit I've been emotional and stressed lately and picking up on a lot of stuff he's not doing that I need his support with, did I drive him to this?? I don't know what to do I'm so scared

Thank you for this x

It's DV plain and simple.Please get away from this guy ASAP

Been there, OP. You need to leave - and I'm being serious. This is domestic violence and probably only the tip of the iceberg from personal experience.

@FarmGirl78
I didn't say he was here? I said I was at home

Please contact women's aid to talk to them about this and get some support for yourself and your daughter.
i don’t want to scare you further but this is a serious incident, if your daughter had come into the room while this was happening the chair and table could have hit her. She could have been seriously injured or killed. At present she has been emotionally affected by what has happened and will continue to be going forward if things don’t change, either by being scared of Daddy and his outbursts or learning that you have to act a certain way not to upset daddy and make him angry.

You must have been terrified, you poor thing.

Have you been able to think through your next steps? Is there anyone you can stay with, or anyone you could ask him to go and stay with? How long left on your tenancy?

Your partner is abusive. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. This is not a one off. I have some personal experience and some advice for when you’re ready:

Report this to the police. You can log it online but be aware they might visit the house. It’s important that you log it because there might well be a time when you need to refer to this incident in the future. I can’t stress enough how important this is. You might have to apply to court for protection for yourself or children’s proceedings at some point in the future even if it’s ten years from now you’ll be so glad you did report it.

The police can put you in touch with several organisations that can help you.

If you let this go, you’ve shown your partner that he can do this and get away with it. You’ve passed one important test in his book. Be very, very careful.

Your partner did this in front of your child. The fact that your child was within earshot and this didn’t stop him speaks volumes about his priorities and his ability parent safely.

Do a Clare’s Law check on him via the police.

Do you have any family you can go and stay with? Take your important documents, passports, bank statements, etc with you and store them somewhere safe outside of your home.

You ARE worthy.

No need to feel embarrassed. What you are going through would be hard for anyone. Your physical reaction only shows how terrifying it was.

You sound like a strong person. You will get through this.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s not your fault. If he didn’t want to help he shouldn’t live with you or have a child with you.

You need to make sure you’re safe and away from him. He can find somewhere else to stay. Get your finances sorted and in your name if you can. Get all your important things in a go bag and call women’s aid. If he refuses to leave you need to do what women’s aid have told you to keep you and your child safe.

Can you get anyone to stay with you for the next few days?

I would also report it to the police so you can get a restraining order etc and if anything happens again you have it on file. It will also help if there’s ever a custody issue.

Be strong! X

He’s not sorry. Phone the police and explain he has terrified you and did it in front of the child. End of.

It's him who is worthless, it must be a whirlwind inside your head right now and I can't pretend to know what your going through but please do keep yourself and your DD away from him, I have a child of similar age and it makes me sick to think how scared and confused your poor DD must of been, he's no kind of man to scare you in that way let alone a child. Be strong for her, she will one day be proud of you for walking away from this awful situation but if you stay then it could damage her in all sorts of ways. Hope your able to get out of this sooner rather than later x

You need to ring the police you need to tell the police you wet yourself - do it now - you aren’t safe and she isn’t safe.

The victim blaming on this place leaves me breathless sometimes.

the ONLY way that what he did would be in any way justified was if she was coming at him with a machete and he was genuinely in fear for his life and was trying to keep her away. Anything else......no.

OP I have been you. I have stood in your shoes and I remember the shock and that feeling of wondering "Did that really just happen?!"

Be prepared for the when the adrenalin wears off, the exhaustion is a real hard one. Try to eat, I know its hard but it will help. Nothing too high sugar as it will make the crash harder, just a piece of toast or something will help.

And dont be rushed. You must move at your own pace but please please do remember that you are not alone. You are not the first woman to go through this, there is a lot of support out there. I will be honest and say that when I called the police when my ex husband tried to strangle me they were not massively helpful, but Womens Aid were so so good. They really know their stuff and understand why you may choose to not involve the police.

You dont have to give them your real name, you dont have to tell them anymore than you want to and they wont push you. But they will help signpost you to further help. And keep posting here.

Those of us that have been there will be here for you, I promise xx

What a weird post. How is she going to get outside intervention you say she needs without asking for help? The authorities aren’t mind readers. How is that implying anything is her fault? The truth is domestic violence is rarely a one-off. There’s no point sugar coating that, OP needs to realise the danger she’s in and not assume it won’t happen again.

Then stay and live in fear of this happening to you again or to your child next time.
Or call the police and get him out at least for a night.

Please don't blame the victim who is still in shock for acting like a person in shock and not jumping to do what random people on the Internet are instructing her to do.

My ex husband did something similar. Luckily no children, but it was in the middle of me going through chemo so I was feeling a tad vulnerable. I stayed in the house, with him, while I sorted my feelings out. We even slept in the same bed and I cooked for him.

It was such a bizarre and surreal time of my life because I knew he'd crossed a line and we were over, as did he, but we were in some kind of inertia for a good couple of weeks.

I did leave him. It wasn't even the first time he'd been violent because we all, like @BruFord think that the first time js a one off and I was a complete and utter bitch to him when I had cancer. However, in most cases, unlike @BruFord they do it again. Then you knkw you have no choice but to put the bomb under the kitchen table and blow up,your life....but doing so is another matter all together.

I wouldn't put too much hope that the police will be helpful. It may just be my bitterness talking, but they did fuck all when I reported my husband. They did, however, joke with him about having a hormonal wife. I was going through an early menopause because I'd had a full hysterectomy due to cancer.

OP good luck. Thinking of you tonight xx

OP, Shelter have some advice for tenancies and benefits;

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/housing_options/housing_options_for_people_experiencing_domestic_abuse/housing_rights_of_domestic_abuse_survivors

You posted that you were at home and he was acting as if nothing had happened. I think a few of us read that as you were there together.

Has he gone to stay somewhere else tonight?

How can he get that angry when all you've done is ask for his support? I guess he wants to make sure you NEVER dare to ask him to lift a finger again! Emotional abuse. You should NOT stick around for round two.

Haven't RTFT but I've read your responses. Some of your responses sound like you're wavering. Please please think of yourself and your daughter, and work out how to get out of this situation and safely away from this aggressive man.
You can't stay together, if you stay, he's got away with it and will feel able to do it again and worse, it sounds like he's already escalated behaviour to get to this point. If he's blaming you already, he'll eventually reason with himself that you deserved it. Which you don't. You must know deep down that you don't, think about if a friend told you this tale, would you blame the friend, or the horrible violent out of control man who lost his temper and over reacted.
You deserve a safe home for you and your daughter. Hold onto the fear you (and your daughter) felt when he threw the furniture and use it to stay strong and keep your resolve to leave. It doesn't need to be today, but it should be as soon as you're able to leave safely, you're in control of the situation now, if he's pretending nothing has happened that buys you time.
Does your friend know what he did? Tell her the whole story, you need the support. Do you have any family you can tell, the more support you have right now the better. Keep thinking about what you want to model for your daughter, the way you react to this will shape her future opinions on relationships, show her you can be strong and that you (and her in future) do not have to put up with this sort of abuse.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, you didn't deserve it I hope you're ok x

Look I have been you, OP. With children. It is hard. But men who do this stuff are cowards, they push women and their own children around. They believe they are owed it. You can't change them, and you need to make a plan to get out.

I did this with the support of my family. Can your family help you and can you call them?

You should log it with the police too.

Wish I had left at the first example of violence/rage. Would have saved all of us years of unhappiness. Instead I spent most days attempting to never say or do anything or ask of him anything that would upset him again, and shushing our children constantly so they wouldn't upset him either. I finally left when they were all complaining of all the same things I'd been keeping bottled up and they could all see the hypocrisy of him expecting perfect behavior from them while he allowed himself to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted no matter the effect on anyone else in the family.

Take care of yourself and DD, and do not expect him to change.

I think you should leave this man, OP.
It’s not going to get better and it’s going to be harder to get yourself out once married. Please don’t stay with him.

Been there op

So sorry

Life is so much better when you leave

I guess it's a private rental and not social housing ?

are both your names on the rental agreement.

Listen to your child. He does need to say sorry, and then he needs to leave. Nothing justifies this behaviour.