Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

It sounds like he was completely overwhelmed, that was quite a lot of "firsts" for one day. Maybe he also picked up on your stress and anxiety? Personally I would dial it right back and take baby steps, toddler group and home, or just a bus ride and home, small play date.

What do you do? You write this one off as a bad day and try again. Honestly we all have days where the kids decide to be fucking banshees for no apparent reason, even if they are usually very well behaved! It sounds like you’re making some great steps to get out in the world with your son but, just as it’s a big adjustment for you, it’s a big adjustment for him too, and it sounds as though there was quite a lot happening!
He’s the same age as my little boy and they’re really just babies in the world still, they need to learn so much and it’ll all come in time.
Well done for taking your son today, that must have been very difficult for you 💐

I remember those first few times.. months.. out with my baby, it was TOUGH! But you just gotta do it

stop taking what others say and do to heart.

you need to get him out there more, it’s unfamiliar for him now but the more you do it the more he will grow in confidence.

get yourself help with your anxiety because I’m sorry to suggest that that may be holding your son back.
I mean this with love, because it is hard, but you have to push past this, address your own issues and let your son thrive.

don’t compare to others. Everyone is different and everyone has difficult stages.

YABVU

You had a tough day of parenting, not the first, not the last. You're comparing it to your friend's good day of parenting which clearly isn't reasonable.

You are also speaking unkindly about your son. Very negative language - his speech isn't great, he is a terrible walker, he was misbehaving etc. Is this really true or are you transferring your own anxiety onto him?

If it's true what are you doing as a mother about his speech? What are you doing to socialise him? Are you encouraging physical activities? Do you take him for walks just the two of you?

I say that as an anxiety sufferer myself, you have to work on yourself. You aren't doing him any favour through being overly anxious and it's not good for you either.

I am getting help it’s just a long and not very straight forward journey with lots at play.

If you haven't been bringing your son regularly then he hasn't had the opportunity to learn. When he gets practice he will engage better.

I’m really trying my best, my anxiety has had me housebound for months and months at a time, it’s extreme and not as easy as just going for a walk at all, I’m riddled with panic attacks and really trying my best.
I don’t mean to speak negatively of him, I know it’s my fault and that I haven’t socialised him enough and I feel so horrible for that. I know I’ve held him back and I hate myself for it. It’s just hard when I realise how far back I’ve really held him and I don’t want these thoughts I don’t choose them. I’m trying to be better.

I’m glad to hear that, it’s hard.

you can do this, you can get out there and get through another day out with your little one. It just takes a few outings for them to feel more confident.

and babies/toddlers/kids cry, it’s normal. People who don’t have them forget / don’t know.

comparison is the worst thing you can do. Esp since you’re comparing to two girls who are siblings whose environments and temperaments will be so different to your son. That’s OK.

Sounds like you and he were overwhelmed. Your friend’s children sound unusually placid! My boys would definitely have been closer to your son. Keep chipping away at it, little and often.

Also there’s absolutely no prize for being the first to potty train, or talk, or not use a buggy, or anything. Each child follows their own path.

He isn't used to these situations, so doesn't know how to act in them. Same with the speech, he needs to learn from others. You are doing the right thing in getting him into nursery, he will benefit from mixing with others there. Try and get out for walks with him, to the park, nature places etc.

Separately, please seek help for your anxiety, it is out there.

It will get better. If your so. Hadn’t had as many opportunities it’s not fair to compare imhim to other children who have siblings and go to groups or nursery - their experiences will be very different. If you had stayed home with him his behaviour probably would have been the same a tantrum over something, fidgeting during meals etc- there would just be no one else there to see it!!! Everyone has tough days and mostly honestly people don’t care or remember other childrens behaviours. I go to groups/ classes most days. I couldn’t tell you if any children had tantrums at all all week but could tell you in detail about my daughters tantrum at church group On Tuesday which ended up with me piggy backing her while lugging the baby in the car seat!! 😂 my point is to me it was a huge deal but for everyone else they either sympathised in an ‘I’ve been there’ way or forgot about it about a minute after.

i would encourage you to keep trying to get out. Find groups that work for you and make the most of the improving weather with the beach/parks/ walks etc

You're being to tough on yourself. You said so yourself that your son rarely has access to this type of thing x so it'll take time for him to learn how to behave in this situations and he's still so little x

Please don't compare yourself to others xx this is your journey x sit tonight and feel proud that you did it xx

Next time x I'd probably do one thing rather than lots. This is a massive milestone for both of you x Well done xx 💗

You did too much on one day, and he’s not used to it. Aim for one thing a day. Make a plan and do it, even if it’s only a trip on the bus.

A couple of things.

First, well done on overcoming your anxiety and going out.

Re the complimenting - we live in a sexist society where girls are valued for their looks. That results in people complimenting girls and not complimenting boys. That was certainly the case with my dc (2 boys, 1 girl, all gorgeous😀)

Re your friend calming you ds - children will behave much better for someone else than a parent in those type of situations. I would have thought it was a sensible approach you and your friend took.

Your friend's children were probably better behaved in the coffee shop because they are more used to it. Your ds will improve as he gets used to it. They were also probably tired after walking whereas your ds was in the buggy. Maybe try it without a buggy next time if he's not a belter. Or you could get him one of those backpacks with reins so you can keep a hold of him.

The woman on the bus was a cow. Ignore her.

Re the difference in speech - girls tend to speak earlier than boys anyway but if your ds is struggling to make himself understood, that would also explain some of the screaming. It might be worth asking your GP or district nurse about having his speech checked out.

Don't let one bad experience (and it probably wasn't as bad as you think) put you off getting out and about. It's really good for both you and your ds.

You do sound really disheartened but please, please don't be. Your son is 2.5 years old and honestly - we've all been there, you don't need to excuse his behaviour....he's a toddler and they are known for their outbursts, totally normal. He may have been tired or just completely overwhelmed. My 4 year old still won't walk very far and we still take the buggy almost everywhere. Please don't let this experience ruin your confidence. Your child not wanting to share, not wanting to join it and not enjoying the bus is not a reflection of your parenting.....its just typical of a 2.5 year old, don't apologise for his behaviour or be embarrassed by it. Your friend will have had her moments too.....

Yes YABU. They have 2-3 years of experience in the outside world, your DS hasn't had any. Then when you do take him outside you overwhelm the poor wee chap with a playgroup, a bus and a coffee shop.

WAYYYYY too much.

you need to go much slower.

a few walks around the block
then find a play park to go to a few times
build up to a playgroup
go for a trip on a bus a few times
walk around the shops
coffee shop

poor boy, it must have all been so overwhelming for him.

So you admit...sorry are aware that your child hadn't socialised as much as normal...you say you suffer from anxiety...so this was a bit day for both of you . I ain't all down to you

What the fuck has your child's dad been doing for the 2 fucking years..my dad took me every where at the weekend...to the pub, to the stately home parks, on one of the last pill ferries (it's a wurzils song but he knew it was an important occasion..and he could go to the pub the other side). My mum was ok but the old man still took me out and 50+ years later it mattered. Even if the father ain't on the scene...why aren't your family stepping up

But you are speaking negatively about him - be mindful of that. He's a toddler, he's learning and it sounds like he is feeling naturally overwhelmed after being underexposed socially.

I am not saying what I'm saying to make you feel bad. The fact is I had to put a mirror to myself when I was in depths of anxiety and acknowledge this really wasn't pretty before I did hell of a lot of work on myself with external help and on my own to overcome GAD. I feel for you but the harsh thing about anxiety is that you need to be honest with yourself about how bad it is and not victimise yourself to be able to really work on it and get yourself to be free again. He will thank you for it and it's worth it.

Are you having therapy or taking medication?

I get this a little hit, I am very anxious around my daughter and have always hated mixing too much because of catching germs BUT I did always do it and when I felt it was getting the better of me and I really didn't want to do things I started CBT which helped a lot.

Also things like manners and sharing can be worked on at home with you and your son. I'm sure your son is gorgeous, all little ones are. It's just your friends dds distinctiveness which has attracted comments. Don't take it personally.

Would it be possible to enrol your son in nursery for a day a week? If finances allow it sounds like he’d benefit.

But your friends children have been 'taught' all of these things as she has no doubt been taking them to groups, on buses, to coffee shops etc since they were tiny. Your son hasn't been taught how to manage these environments. You can't just take him and expect him to know how to 'behave'. He was no doubt confused, over stimulated and overwhelmed. Start with baby steps and build up.

I understand you don’t leave the house much due to anxiety (I have been there), but do you have children over to your house like your friends children? I understand the environment and bus being overwhelming for him, but sharing and manners can be taught at home by you and by anyone who visits your home.

He's not been out much but you stuck him in a playgroup, bus and coffee shop all in one day..it was just too much in one day OP for a kid that's never left the house and dealt with people/ kids/ noise.

Dial it back to doing one thing and more frequently. So this playgroup is a great place to start for you and him.go weekly- you'll get to know other mums and get familiar with set ups etc so feel less anxious and same for ds. The familiarity will do u both wonders. But it needs to be regular for it to work. Start here then add coffee mornings etc, because honestly coffee with toddlers is not a done thing for peace of mind. Take that coffee and walk in a park with it maybe.

Honestly I don’t know - he was abusive and then one day just left, his mum says he’s moved on and I should too. Part of the reason I’m so scared going out is I’m worried he will be there and hurt us. But I’m getting help and working on this.

Well done for getting out.

Next step is to do it again and again until it becomes norm.

I bet the day was just as scary and overwhelming for your DS as it was for you, so give you both big pats on the back and try again.

Xx