Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

I agree.It starts at home.

Op, you did a fantastic job getting out!

You did a great thing for him, it's a lot of new experiences so it's ok for him to be overwhelmed and for you to be too!

Your friend is very lucky. Honestly, kids are so different. My 3yo is very placid. Another same age that we're friends with needs reins to stop them running off and another I know is wild and will grab at and climb everything. All get out to groups often and have similar upbringings. 🤷‍♀️ If just how they are.

You got out, and you both got home safely, so it went fine; there were a lot of things included in your day out so you were possibly both a bit overwhelmed. As others have said, you need to practice more and it'll become easier. There's always someone's kid having a shouty moment in playgroups and next time it'll be someone else's instead of yours, nobody will have thought any more than being pleased you went out for a little break.If he's walking, then he'll get tired and be less restless, while any toddler will shout if they're strapped into a buggy when they wanted to explore; I used to limit the buggy because it can be counter productive. Some kids sit colouring nicely while others run about, so really don't read anything into that!

It would be good next thing to try some smaller steps; walk to a quiet playground on Sunday morning, then during the week get a new toy and stop in a cafe to play with it and another day just take a bus trip to a different playground. When you then try a playgroup later in the week, the little trips will have helped.

To be frank, loads of kids in public behave like yours so it’s not like you’re in a hugely position. Your day just sounds normal to an outsider

it sounds like your friend is maybe a bit more experienced in parenting if she has 3 kids and has probably found a knack for it, plus her kids live with others the similar age so are used to sharing etc. I don’t think you should necessarily feel embarrassed but maybe use it as a learning opportunity for your kid in an age appropriate way

I mean, I’ve read this slightly agog at your friend with these beautiful, impeccably behaved children all under 4 where she also has time to introduce you to other parents, encourage good behaviour in your son whilst you are outside and then go out afterwards with three kids under 4 with no pram at all! My mind is fucking blown and even I feel inadequate and I go out daily with my two who sound completely feral in comparison

Completely agree. I’m out all the time with my 2 but I still have to parent my eldest continuously and closely to keep him in check and using manners. Despite this, he will still shout/snatch/refuse to walk/other normal toddler behaviour. She sounds like a lovely friend but her experience is not one I’m familiar with! My good friend with twins kept the buggy for ages because good luck trying to catch two 3 year olds who decide to run into the road simultaneously.

Please do not beat yourself up…Take it easy on yourself and give it time.They probably have more exposure than him as he does not go out so might have been overwhelmed.

Every child is not the same and you can now start teaching him gradually how to say his please,sorries and thank you,s.

Too many things happened on one day so little steps next time.

sending you love.

I’d start by going out with him just you and him so he’s used to going out. Focus on playing and being silly so he feels happy in his body. Head to a park or a field with a ball or a kite. Somewhere less peopley then slowly build up. It’ll help you feel happier too. Do it for an hour this morning. Well done on pushing your comfort zone. There’s so much good stuff waiting for you out there. And remember, kids aren’t supposed to be perfect little dolls, they’re just learning, we all are, even the grown ups. Well done. 👍

Also, the more steam he burns off outside the calmer he’ll be

Your son was probably overwhelmed.
The little girls together —- they’re a little “ herd” , know the routine of playgroup, coffee shop so move along together well. Herds are calming , for animals and small children!
Start doing small things, take your ds to the library just to choose some books, next time sit and look at a book. Try a garden centre, for some reason garden centres are calming, after a few visits try the cafe.

Well done for getting out! Keep going but try and do things that are fun for your ds. Coffee and bus ride too much sitting still. Try the park and soft play.

As for your friend dd it's not a fair comparison: they are a) girls (mature earlier) b) used to socialising and c) have an older sibling to learn from.

You have not failed him. He will learn social skills at nursery.

I could tell you loads of tales of boys in my circle who were a nightmare next to their female peers. It's not just you!

I haven’t read through the whole thread but I just wanted to say that I have a nearly 18 month old. She is mostly placid admittedly. However we go to various baby groups and it’s not unusual for 4 year olds or older to steal toys from her right in front of me. Whilst it bothers me a bit if parents aren’t watching and correcting their behaviour I just see it as something kids do. It takes them time and experience to learn societies rules. So don’t be embarrassed about that behaviour.

It does sound like a lot of new things in one day and I agree that practicing one thing at a time with him will benefit you both.

It’s hard not to compare children but it’s such a pointless exercise. It sucks the joy out of parenting. My girl loves her pushchair and I can’t see her wanting to walk everywhere aged 2. But I just don’t care! She won’t be in a pushchair forever. I don’t go around asking other adults how long they were in a pushchair as a child. Stop being so hard on yourself OP!

Don't worry, honestly. Your friends twin will absolutely have days like that.

Don't forget they also have an older sibling to model behaviours on with regards to walking, sitting in chairs etc.

I have a two year old girl, she goes to nursery two days a week and we're out and about a lot. Some days she's an absolute angel, others she's a total twerp.

We went to the farm this week with grandad (her favourite person, and her favourite place). She kicked, screamed and bolted the entire way round. Only thing that kept her attention for a millisecond was a chicken having a shit 🙄 Nearly had me in tears at the supermarket last week too, I very nearly asked if I could exchange her at Customer Services for a box of chocolate seashells.

On the flip side, on Tuesday we were at a play town thing with friends and their kids and she was a model child. No rhyme nor reason other than the fact she's two!

Put it behind you, and try again - baby steps, you can absolutely do this x

He's not use to going out and that sounds like a lot for both of you. Maybe try a park next time or the sort of soft play where they just run round. To get him use to the social aspect and then you can gradually work on these things.

Your friends kids can do these things because they have learnt to and so can your son.

He's still young the behaviour you describe is normal, no one will give it a second thought.

It's fantastic you are pushing yourself maybe try a little smaller next time but you survived and so did he.

Typical MN habit of beating you when you're down

Please don't be so hard and yourself, OP. You're doing your best and in time things will get much better. I hope you're getting support (family, friends Heslth Visitors etc)?

Anxiety strips you of your self esteem and leaves you in a grip of fear; anyone who has suffered a panic attack knows just how awful they are.

Sending you a hug 🤗

Your friends children are not normal and she sounds smunty to me (ie she was clearly having a good day and didn’t say this 🤣)

The idea that 2 year olds have ‘learnt all these things’. Having 3 that close together would be utter chaos. Mumsnet will just make you feel worse because there is an idea that 2 year olds can sit nicely at the dinner table, walk around with books on their heads etc).

A mate of mine had 3 under 4 at one point. My main memory of it was her pushing them round in a triple buggy with at least one of them crying at any one time. Often all of them.

And your ds isn’t misbehaving he’s 2.5

Toddlers are savages.

Nursery will do your son good, although he may struggle with separating from you in the beginning - they all do! It will also help you to get into a routine on those nursery days too which may help.

It sounds like your friend was really supportive on your trip out. Its so hard not to compare your child to others, but your son (and you!) were having a lot of firsts. You were anxious, your son may have been overwhelmed too, he just can't communicate that as well as you can 🙂

Don't let this trip out put you off. You've taken a massive leap, the hardest one, now continue with little steps forward. Maybe with lower expectations next time? My son is quite an anxious child (hes autistic) and he just loves being outside. Feeding the ducks, or a welly walk in the rain have always been a favourite activity, even now he's older (and for us as parents too!).
Can you lower your expectations a little to put less pressure on yourself? A little trip to the park (highly recommend this in the rain, there's rarely anyone else there. Just watch puddlesuits on wet slides - they go flying!)

It might be worth looking to see if you have any local charities (either mental health or parenting support) who may be able to help support you 1:1 in getting back out into the community confidently. A friend of mine has a similar role and has helped people step by step until they are happy and confident to do these things independently again. That might be building up to a trip to the supermarket, or accessing group activities or whatever.

Don't give up, you're doing great

Don’t leave it too long before you take him out again or he will forget and it will be a new experience all over again, keep taking him and each time it will be a bit easier because you and he will know what is coming. Take snacks to distract him and don’t compare him to your friends children, they’ve been to play groups and cafes before so they had an advantage.

I think you should focus on the positives instead . You went out !!!! Considering your anxiety that is amazing!! Yes, your little boy may not have been the best behaved but it's a start and something to work on. I agree, do a little less. Go out just you and him to a cafe or the park just for an hour and then you can build from there. Stop giving yourself a hard time and try to not compare. Your friends children may have been well behaved that day, likely the next day they would not be. Read some books on behaviour and try small techniques to see if they work. Give yourself a pat on the back and try again ! X

I’m so sorry you are suffering like this and am glad you are getting help, as a fellow anxiety sufferer I do understand how crippling things can be. Things that I find help- each day on its own, we all have bad ones, write it off and tomorrow is fresh. Try and see things through your kids eyes not your own, it helps you understand why they are ‘misbehaving’ and helps you calm them. Small steps, just the toddler group or just the coffee, for your son who hasn’t been out much all in one day is two much. Yes your friends kids behaved on that occasion- but I am sure she has had bad days too! Don’t compare kids- yes some walk earlier etc- it doesn’t matter just focus on your lovely little boy. And it’s alwa worse for the parent when they scream I’m public- most of the rest of the cafe won’t have even noticed I promise. Keep up the therapy, throw your heart and soul into it and have another outing very soon before this becomes a form memory that ‘it all goes wrong’ take him on a quick outing that is positive. Take care

It's totally this.
You say your son hasn't been out much so he isn't as familiar as the other children with how to behave in different situations. He will improve with practice.

I know it's really easy to say but really try not to compare him with other children. They will all have bad days.

On a side note your friend sounds really helpful and supportive, would you try again to go somewhere with them? Or has today put you off?

I really hope your anxiety improves, I know it's hard.

Please if your. It already seek help for your anxiety. I had a mum that never went out and it had a devastating impact on my childhood and even now into adulthood I don’t really make any real friends as i did as a child and am increasingly isolated - it’s all I’ve ever known. That child needs to be out and socialising if you can’t do it is there anyone else that can support and take your child out?

Ohh. I'm so sorry about this. Everyone compares. Even if we don't want to and know it's not helpful. Just know that, no matter how they were on that one specific outing, they WILL have had an outing that was as challenging as this for you.

As PPs have said. Lots of firsts for one day. I had a rule with my first, not more than 1 thing a day. My new rule (with 2), is everything must be within a 30m bus ride.

When I took my 2yo and newborn (6w ish) to a splash pad, newborn screamed for 3 hours and wouldn't feed for 6h!!. In hindsight I should have gone home, but was determined for my eldest to have a mildly nice time - which he didn't, really, because he didn't have my attention and was constantly waiting/shouting. My friend's 2 were impecible (similar ages).

If you'd have seen us 2 weeks later on the bus to the library, you would have commented, 'ooo, what wonderfully, well behaved children. Such gracious manners'. Honestly, we only get a snapshot of other people's lives.

Just focus on you and your lad - I bet she goes to coffee shops lots, so they know what to expect, we have to train kids how to behave if we want coffee shops etc to be part of our lives.

Wishing you all the best - you're doing great!

I get this. But you need to start small very small.

Most Children would be overwhelmed - strange place, lots of them, people, other children, toys, food, routine etc very small.

Get some wildfowl food (was going to say bread and then realised I might get jumped on) and walk around the nearest lake / pond / duck area. Build it up. Say what you are doing when you are leaving etc explain how much food you will have etc and what you are doing after.

30 minutes tops. If going well don’t extend it. Keep to what you say. With speech- praise (my son is 10 and has major speech issues which is very frustrating on top on the social skills etc). Take coats ensure you have water in bottle, and a small snack for the trip home eg raisin. Don’t go overwhelming and take the bus. It’s overwhelming. Even the ducks will be- smell, noise etc dogs whatever. Encourage basic words - duck, clap him amazing is a duck. Confidence building - what does a duck say ‘quac can you say quack if he can’t show him how to quack with the hand etc or make his lips like a duck. Keep it short and positive. Next day plant some sunflower seed. Soil etc water. Keep it outside and positive etc 30 minutes each day. Build up to going on a bus - don’t do a whole morning.

My very lovely now 16 year old daughter couldn’t walk at 3. My son couldn’t talk at 3. They all develop differently.

if he can walk for 30 minutes stick to no buggy but no more

games are great for learning eg play snap and turns.

build up to meeting your friend on her own in the park. Clear time limits mine had a watch and I set an alarm 20 minutes it beeped then another beep and then home.

both of mine are asd but late diagnosed