Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

Well done for today OP and don’t let it put you off.
I had a daughter just like your friend’s girls, happy to sit nicely in a cafe, placid etc. And then I had a son, who really, really wasn’t!
It’s a useful lesson to learn that sometimes, (very often!) your children aren’t the direct result of your parenting, they just are the way they are.
Please try again next week, the more you do it, the easier it gets x

Quite honestly what did you expect? You’ve barely taken him out, he doesn’t know how to behave in places like this. You need to take him out more, every week at least, and get him used to it. Does he go to nursery? He would really benefit from it if not.

Im sorry OP, that sounds hard.

Your friends kids weren't like this on their first time out. It takes lots of exposure and practice. You say your DS doesn't go out much, of course he would be overwhelmed with so many new things around him.

This is a great step for him and locking him inside and not giving him this chance to learn and to socialise would be doing him a massive disservice.

Could you just do half a day next time? Or a walk outside in a park maybe? Small steps.

Good luck

Bless you 💐💐💐

If you and ds haven't been out much then he isn't used to noise /sharing /sifting nicely in a cage etx

They are all firsts

For you and him

And a lot to Take on for first day

But well done for going out

Go out tomorrow and do one thing

And return home

Go back to the M&T or go to Another one

Ffs * cafe

Not cage

Again sooooooooo wish could edit on app !!

I mean, I’ve read this slightly agog at your friend with these beautiful, impeccably behaved children all under 4 where she also has time to introduce you to other parents, encourage good behaviour in your son whilst you are outside and then go out afterwards with three kids under 4 with no pram at all! My mind is fucking blown and even I feel inadequate and I go out daily with my two who sound completely feral in comparison.

Keep at it OP and well done for today! I promise it will get easier and most people with two year olds have had similar experiences as you did today. Just remember your son is still a baby really and he’s learning. That said, next time I’d probably just do the toddler group rather than going out after as well.

Im an Early Years teacher. Some thoughts:

• it’s great you’re taking the first step to get out there for your son. He needs to get used to being out and about.
• older people tend to notice girls more I’ve found. Your friends children will attract attention, especially as she has twins so try not to take it personally about your son.
• when he starts nursery ask for support with his speech and general behaviour/learning (that’s what they’re there for!)

Please do not let your anxiety become the thief of your joy in your son. It seems like you're dealing with a lot of self-loathing and shame, and there is a possibilities of transferring those feelings onto him as an extension of yourself and a representation of what you perceive as your failure. Make a point of practicing mental kindness towards him and thinking of him lovingly, and you may find some that that affection reflects back towards you.

It sounds like today was too much for both of you. All of the firsts are a lot for a little one, and if mum is also stressed that could make him even more sensitive. Try to dial it back. Go for a walk outside with him. That's a day. Petting a doggy. That's a day. Going into a shop and buying a carton of milk, etc. It'll all be wonderful and new to him, but far less overwhelming.

And please let nursery staff know about your situation. They can help make the transition smooth. I had a LO in my group a few years ago who was so undersocialized that the first day of reception was probably her first time ever meeting another child. She sobbed every day for hours and panicked at every new person walking by the windows. She couldn't nap unless I was holding her. She was terrified of grass, sand, cotton balls, the hamster - the list goes on. But we persevered and mum did her best to support at home, and she made real progress. She started to smile and accept affection. She made a friend who also didn't enjoy typical play and the two of them spent ages pouring over a globe together and reading each other the names of places. She came to love the hamstrr so much her mum got one for her. I see her around the big school sometimes and she's managing beautifully. Your son can absolutely do the same!

You've done so well to get out!! Have you seen the Bluey episode Baby Race? Your day reminded me of that a bit! It might be worth a watch, I think it's on iPlayer

IME siblings definitely learn from eachother so you can't really compare twins/younger siblings with your DS, their lives are not the same

One strategy I found worked really well with my feral, hyper toddlers is telling them what is going to happen and how they're supposed to behave. E.g. we are going to the park. I would like you to share with the other children and listen if I shout STOP. If you do this we can have a snack in the park too/a sticker/feed the ducks. If you don't do this we will have to come home. And then stick to it

It won't necessarily work straight away 😂 but I think it did help in the long run, because I realised I was expecting them to know to be quiet in a shop but you could be loud in soft play, but I'd never ACTUALLY told them that 😅 and now they still have a lot of energy but they're pretty good

I’m going to be completely honest with you, from one anxiety sufferer to another. Your son isn’t more like them because you haven’t parented him the same way their mother has, so this is a you issue, not a him issue. You already know this, and you are taking steps to fix it, which is great and you should be really proud of yourself, but you can’t stay at home for your anxiety for months on end then just launch him on a full day out and expect him to be a picture perfect child - the day must have been really overwhelming for him.

the new strategy, for both of you, should be to get out of the house every single day. A walk, or a bus ride, or a cafe - one thing each time, not all at once. Push yourself, and him, to get out there but in manageable doses. Keep going, remember everyone has bad days and nobody is the perfect parent, but also remember that your anxiety issues are yours not his.

It's going to be tough, and there is no point comparing. She parents her children in a certain way that works for her, and she takes them out a lot. You have a child who doesn't know how to share, and has never been in an outside situation where he learned to behave, and has a speech delay. The only thing that's going to help him feel more comfortable is taking him out, and regularly- socialising him and and also helping him to understand what is and isn't acceptable in public. You've taken the first step, if you don't keep going, then you're never going to feel comfortable or shoot being out with him

My son is a couple of years older but because he was in lockdown from about 7 months old, it definitely took him longer to get comfortable with groups and other children than I would have expected. Some of his peers - although not the ones with siblings - were similar too. Your description of your day brought back so many memories of that age. As others have said, it sounds like he was a bit overwhelmed but behaving incredibly normal. I definitely look back at things I tried to do at that age which ended up in a mess and I realise it was just too much. You (both) can take it slowly. I have PTSD too so I can totally understand and relate to your fear over going out. I hope the therapy and meds help but I have found that sometimes the only thing to do is to really push self even if it's just going to the end of the road and back and realising that I'm safe. And just remember, every time you venture out, it will get that tiny bit easier. Your boy is lucky to have such a strong and brave mother

Yes and no.....I mean, toddlers do have a tendency not to share, to get overwhelmed and to have tantrums, so who knows! Agree lack of exposure is likely part of it.....but nothing that can't be resolved by more trips out.

I have had a girl and a boy and the difference at that age is like night and day.

I had mothers who had their single girl child in ds’s reception class talk about me as a bad parent because their little girls didn’t run around the playground shouting and laughing when it was time to line up to go into class or jumping off walls or climbing up fences on the walk to and from school.
I know this is what they were saying about me as a couple of years later one of those mothers had a little boy and she stopped me in the supermarket one afternoon to apologise to me about thinking I was a bad parent and thinking they had all thought they had parenting and discipline sorted.

Parenting and discipline only worked because their girl children weren’t particularly interested in shouting and running around.
Faced with a child who wanted to do all the things they weren’t supposed to do and couldn’t careless about their discipline methods everything collapsed

Hi OP

You did something amazing - being scared of something and doing it anyway is literally the definition of brave!

Your son is only 2.5, screaming, not sharing, snatching, is completely normal as is not saying please or thank you. Of course he wasn't behaving - if he hasn't been in those situations before he will need to learn, through practice, just like any other skill.

Just keep doing it, but take baby steps. A walk to a local park one day, popping out to the shops the next. A bus journey, a playgroup and a coffee shop would be overwhelming for a lot of kids if all done in one day.

Please don't be disheartened

You are letting anxiety pollute every single thought in your head.

Your thoughts are not true, the way to conquer anxiety is to believe in yourself , to trust yourself and to your love yourself.

I recovered from severe anxiety (I was agoraphobic) by forcing myself to think differently and by saying daily affirmations

'I love and believe in myself'
'I am safe'
'I can do anything I put my mind to'
'I am brave'
'All is well'

Anytime a negative or anxious thought came into my head I noticed it and thought 'hmm that's the anxiety talking' and then repeated one of the above affirmations until I felt calm again.

You are projecting your negative thoughts into your son which is not fair on him at all. You have to change your mindset, you can do anything you want to.

Babies and toddlers need training like any animal. When I’m breaking in a young horse and then taking them out and about, it’s a bit at a time. Eg. Practice going on and off the trailer. Then do a short trip. Then another few times just go and stand on the truck while other horses compete. Do some in-hand (non-ridden) classes. Then later on in the season go and ride them round the warm-up arena and maybe (only if it goes well) do a baby class.

All of the above takes place between the ages of 2-5, with ridden work only happening from 4+.

You just did the equivalent of taking a totally green youngster straight out to a big show with lots of other horses and wondering why they’re getting a rosette and you’re not. I’d be expecting to be decked if I did that with a horse. Your toddler just did the equivalent in his explosive reaction - he just isn’t 500kg of horse.

He’s likely behind because he has been poorly
socialised. I understand your anxiety and the fear of an abusive man, so you had legitimate reasons to hide away, but now you need to make a plan about how to slowly build your son’s experiences so he isn’t overwhelmed by a) bus b) groups c) sharing toys d) playing with others e) busy cafes f) different food/sounds/smells/people. Any one of those is a lot for a little brain and body to manage!

id look into CBT for yourself, and/or neurolinguistic programming. Both really help with panic disorders and anxiety.

I haven't read the responses in this thread but you are catastrophising over nothing.

People commented on the girls looks because people love telling little girls they're pretty. It's sexism, nothing to do with your DS being inadequate. Similar thing with the language, I have a 2 year old DD and Im sorry but the girls are just way ahead of the boys with language, it's because they're girls not because the boy parents are doing anything wrong.

As for the behaviour, your son is bad at sharing and had a tantrum because he's a toddler. It happens to all of us. He'll learn how to share at nursery, all will be fine. In the league tables of toddlers who are good at sharing you know who comes top? I bet it's the twins and the ones with close-in-age siblings. They have no choice, they share everything from the second they're born. So don't go comparing your only child to the twins. They also are used to walking because their mum cant take 3 prams everywhere can she?! And kids in tribes go with the flow, so they've probably got used to acting collectively. Like how they are little angels at nursery but then terrors at home.

Before you go to bed tonight please, please be a little kind to yourself (and your DS). You made it out of the house, thats an important achievement. Be proud and don't waste time beating yourself up over something that isn't your fault and isn't really a problem in the grand scheme of things.

You had a really bad day but what you need to do ASAP is plan the next trip. 1 element at a time. Maybe get the bus to a nowhere place, walk a stop back and get the bus back. That's it, your day out is getting on and off a bus. Its boring to us but a big learning experience to your DS. The noise, the smell, the strange faces and different seats etc, it's a lot. Some children are very sensitive to these sensory elements and can get overwhelmed, some adapt very quickly. My DS struggled and i had to prepare every thing and repeat things over and over that came easy to some parents so i get your frustration. Do the bus trip until it goes well then you start on cafes, get a take away cup and prepare for a short visit. I used to aim for 5 minutes then 7 then 10 etc until we could sit together for 20 minutes. Many parents have kids who find these things hard so please don't think badly of yourself or your DS. You'll both get there.

Oh, you sound so upset OP. First of all, well done to you for going out today. It was a huge step and you did it!
I agree with others that it was probably overwhelming for your little boy; he will find it easier next time, as will you.
I also agree that your friend's three girls sound exceptionally well behaved, which is lovely, but also highly unusual I'd say!
For now, let the dust settle and reappraise. If you can, maybe try going out somewhere just you and your son, that way he'll have more one to one attention from you which he'll be used to and should help. I haven't read the full thread, but could you maybe visit a local park with him to start with? Everything seems less stressful in the open air I think.
You will get there and so will he. Today is just one day.

Wooah OP! Practice almost makes perfect, give yourself and DS a huge slice of slack and a pat on the back. You made it out, well done.
You are being too hard on yourself and expecting too much from DS. He was overwhelmed- from being indoors alone to surrounded by noise, movement, people, kids, new things and sharing - it blew his tiny mind.
Try again but perhaps fewer activities and expect him to be overwhelmed and plan how you will react , reassure him, take him somewhere calmer etc.
your DF’s children know all these things to be everyday activities so have adjusted to them.
Dust yourself down, plan and prepare and go out for short trips building up what you do and for how long. You’ll both crack it- have fun

I have a 4yo daughter who can come for a meal and sit with some colouring pens or a magazine and we can entertain her for a few hours no problem. She's polite and creative (piece of paper can be anything) and sits still.

I have a 2yo son who is absolutely WILD he wants to run, climb and jump. He is so much fun but restaurants or coffee shops are f*cking hard work, unenjoyable for anyone else 😂

Cut yourself some slack. You did amazing. You went out and he'll get used to sharing at that toddler class - maybe the coffee shop isn't for you guys yet or maybe you can utilise the electronic babysitter which I definitely judged people for when I had only my daughter 👀🤐

I hate people like that woman on the bus!

Boys are sometimes tougher than girls. I've encountered some of the same challenges with my son. Learning how to share and play nicely with other kids take time and multiple visits. I've been taking my son to a playgroup largely for kids with developmental delays. He also had trouble sharing, not knocking over someone else's tower/breaking their Lego build for example. I also put him in a small dc a couple mornings a week and it has gotten better over the course of months.

Part of it too is our son's are only children whereas your friends have siblings and therefore much more practice with getting along with others.

I apologized to a mom after my son knocked over her kid's tower, and she said to me, "that's ok, were here to learn how to get along" and she's right. The next week her kid did the same to mine, and my son just took it in stride. They still use a stroller bc it's easier and works for them.

I also have difficulties out and about sometimes, and worry about doing a diaper change in a public toilet (which he hates and might fight).

I do feel you though. My son is older than yours, we've also been a little isolated and I do avoid things like trying to go to a store with him alone bc I know it probably isn't going to go well.

Please don't take the comments of old ladies on the bus to heart, they really shouldn't make those comments.

You did great getting out, so well done for that. The places you chose were not ideal though. My sons 3 and there’s no way in hell I would take him to a coffee shop lol he would act pretty much how you described yours. Also mum and baby groups are great, but when you suffer from anxiety as a first trip out something like that can feel really overwhelming (well it would for me anyways i have anxiety). Next time I would take him somewhere where you can easily leave without really being noticed if things aren’t going well, like the park, library, soft play, petting zoo etc. Try not to compare your son to others, my daughter at that age I could take anywhere, she was so polite, well behaved etc. my son is a different breed lol don’t let today put you off, try again tomorrow, even if it’s only for a walk just keep trying you’ll get there, best of luck x