Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

You've thrown your little boy right in at the deep end there. Next time choose one activity and then go home. If he's been isolated most of his life, you can't expect him to be ok with what you expected of him today.

Try again, but this time, baby steps!!!

@Roseni you and your DS coped with a lot in that day - be proud of your achievement and once you've sat with that for a bit, think about how to build on it.

Things that sound like they went well:
Despite how anxiety-provoking it was, you got out the house and did something.
In fact, you didn't just do something, you did a lot - a playgroup, a bus trip, coffees - that's 3 challenging events in one day and you faced that challenge down and survived it.
You kept your son safe and recognised when he needed something different from the other children there (eg buggy vs walking or sitting).
You met a friend and found an activity you and your son can do again.
Your friend was supportive when you needed her.

Things that aren't wirth bothering about at this stage:
People complimenting girls but not a boy - it's not uncommon for girls to get compliments on their appearance while boys don't - I think some sexism is at play in that scenario, that little girls get told how pretty they are, while little boys get told how good they are at activities.
Your son struggling to share - sharing is hard when you're two, it takes time to learn. He'll get the hang of it with practice.
Your friend having kids walking while your son used his buggy - having multiple DCs is a different management problem when out and about so needs different strategies, plus your DC won't have much experience or stamina yet for walking, he'll get there in time. Plus, he's 2 - it's pretty normal for a 2 year old to use a buggy; eg at our nursery, pretty much every parent walking home with a 3 year old or younger will have a buggy or a ride-on thing.
Busybodies on public transport or in cafes being judgey. Some people just like to feel better about themselves by putting others down. I remember one time sitting, covered in unwanted homemade baby food, when a pair of immaculately dressed women said to DC "Oh, do you not like mummy's food?" "I'm so glad I can give my child food they like"... I wasn't sure whether I wanted to cry or punch them.

Maybe think of one or two things to try to change for next time, to build on your progress. Eg, if your son bolted in the coffee shop, he may need a bit of time building up the skills to sit calmly - so next time try a high chair or staying in the buggy to reduce your stress and allow him to become more familiar with sitting in that environment. It's not at all unusual for a 2 year old to use a highchair or sit in their buggy, especially in exciting places.

Parenting is an iterative process in a lot of ways, and you're judging your first go at this combination of activities against someone else's 50th (or more) iteration of it.

Your poor little boy. None of this is his fault.

First, forget about compliments on hair. Who cares about that?

But your ds needs to experience the world. If you can't do that for him, and his dad can't, then someone else needs to. Your parents, other family, friends, etc.

You need to organise this so your son doesn't miss out and fall further behind.

and you need therapy so you can take your ds out in future.

Well done you! You beat the anxiety today.
My son was a terror as a toddler, he’d be THAT child running amok while other kids sat down quietly. He threw himself out of a supermarket trolley, ran out of a shop once. I had to tie him into his buggy. There was about six months where I was reluctant to take him anywhere, difficult when my DH was working abroad.
It will get better. Small steps and growing up will help hugely.

I'm really sorry to hear this.

Like some PPs have said, it's best not to compare. Your friend's children sound unusually very well behaved... yours sounds pretty normal - especially if he's not used to going out and being around other children.

I personally think you tried to do too much. After the group, you should have just gone home (and patted yourself on the back for achieving that much even if it wasn't the best). Going for coffee afterwards only made the situation worse.

Try something much smaller next time and repeat that until you feel more comfortable.

You sound like you're doing your best under pretty difficult circumstances. So don't forget you actually achieved a lot!

I remember the first time I tried to take my twins out in the car. It took about 3 hours to get us all ready, I got them into the car and they both started crying and pooing before I'd even got into the driver's seat. I was crying too by then and just got them out of the car and took them back in the house feeling like a complete failure 😂

I think your 2 year old sounds completely normal and your friend's 2 year olds sound unusually well behaved! I have two girls but they were both very "active" toddlers and would not have sat still with a snack at 2 years old either.

Some toddlers are just more placid while some are more boisterous. Neither is right or wrong. If it helps, I would have been a ball of stress trying to take two 2 year olds and a 3 year old out for the day with no buggies or high chairs.

Keep going with the baby groups, park, little trips to cafes. You can do it!

I think because you don't normally get out and about you've tried to fit a lot into the day. This has triggered your anxiety and your son seems to have been overwhelmed and really struggled , which in a vicious circle has then affected your anxiety more!
Back home, cup of tea and deep breaths. I would try and get out again but do one thing and then home, the park or a shop or toddlers (you don't have to stay full session).
As an adult you find these things difficult so think how a young child might feel. Try not to worry about others , I know that's hard, I'm an ex infant teacher and I've found myself a few times sitting on the floor in an asda shop waiting for my child to calm down, initially I was mortified but then when I thought about me needing to support our son I found it easier to ignore the looks.
You are trying and moving forward and that's brilliant x

Well done on getting out of the house. It's lovely you have a friend to help you. As others have said, try to keep up the momentum of getting out, little and often. Your son will find all these new experiences easier with practice. Comparing your child to others will rarely make you happy, your son is in a completely different family situation to your friend's 3 daughters. He's lucky to have you, being so brave to do something most of us take for granted.

OP, firstly I hope you’re okay! What a day - for both of you!

Let me just reassure you - sometimes we go out and my DD1 (almost 3) behaves like your son - won’t listen, won’t share, tantrum, sometimes we go out and she’ll behave impeccably. We go out regularly with my best friend and her little girl who’s the same age, and she’s the same (except the alternate - nothing makes my Dad behave like seeing her friend being naughty and vice versa). The woman on the bus was incredibly rude - he wasn’t misbehaving, he was behaving exactly like any overstimulated toddler would.

Lots of PP have reassured you about the talking etc, but let me also say - I have twin siblings, they potty trained early because my mum wanted to potty train them in the summer, and it was most convenient for her to get it out the way early. A lot of twin mum life is making your own life as easy as possible, if that’s picking the best time for you to potty train etc that’s it. My DD hates the buggy, if I take it for her it’s just one more thing to juggle so I don’t bother and that’s especially true with 3 young children, if she’s also pushing a pram her kids won’t go in she’s not got enough hands - sounds like she’s picked her battle there.

Keep going out (but maybe less inc day!) - you’re doing great x

Oh and when DD1 is being naughty she always behaves for my friend, as my friends DD does for me! Its the novelty of it not being their parent 🙃

Try really hard not to compare your child to others. It’s not helpful or very nice. He deserves a mum who thinks he’s the best thing sliced bread (which I’m sure you do, really)

Also sorry me again! As you go out more you’ll start to learn your sons likes and dislikes etc, coffe shops and restaurants aren’t fun for small children. Yes it’s good sometimes to do things that bore them but pick your moments! I have learnt from experience that if my DD is lively at a toddler group for example, we will be swerving anything like a restaurant or a coffee shop and going to the beach or park to run off energy. You start to learn from your mistakes from previous times you went out, and you’ll soon learn if he’s in a certain mood what to do ir not do!

I'm sorry you're suffering from anxiety. I can relate. I voted YABU. You can't compare your friends children and yours. It was his first outing and everything was new to him. He was probably overwhelmed and overstimulated. He needs to learn how to socialise and share but he'll only learn that by interacting with other kids.

Huge hugs OP. It’s been a difficult day 💕

Firstly well done for getting out of the house and taking him out to multiple places! That’s a huge step and even though it didn’t go as hoped, you still did it and that’s brilliant!

I have bad anxiety and have similar struggles. My daughter is 2 and can get overwhelmed and I often compare her to the more placid kids I see at groups which I shouldn’t do. Ultimately, I have seen the strongest mums crumble at playgroup when their usually placid kid has a mega tantrum or hits a baby or generally is a huge pain in the butt. Every child has difficult moments and every mum no matter how strong they seem has moments like this. I’m sure the other mums weren’t judging you, because we’ve honestly all been there. And if they were well f*ck them.

Please persevere. My daughter has come on so much the more I’ve taken her out and about. Your son will do the same. It’s a huge adjustment for the both of you and will be challenging but the pay off for both of you will be huge!

start small. A playgroup one week, a coffee shop the next, it will get easier. Honestly you braved more today than I would without DH so huge well done!

Parenting is hard. Anxiety is hard. But you’ve got this 💕

Also re your thread title - please don’t be devastated! You both took huge steps today which is an amazing achievement !

Echoing the others, well done for trying. You did A LOT for a first attempt. Take it little by little and don't compare yourself to others. I think the phrase is "envy is the thief of joy" or something. We have two incredibly active toddlers and it is very easy to compare ourselves to the ones who sit easily and calmly. Part of it is on me for not forcing my children to sit at restaurants (covid babies and we don't eat out a lot) but that will come with time. My friends who love to eat out with their little ones have perservered and hauled them off for bad behaviour time and time again until they learned to behave. It was a lengthy, stressful process, and you are likely seeing the finished product. Ignore the comments. You are doing your best. Repeat that over and over. Again, well done.

I have a toddler and a baby. I just want to reassure you that your toddler's behaviour is normal.
Your little one will get more accustomed to playing with others, etc, the more you go out. Some take longer than others and often it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Mine just started walking with me without the stroller.
Good for you mama for getting out! 👏🩷💫

@Roseni You haven’t socialised him at all.

This is why he’s acting up so badly- Had be been used to going out and about, seeing new and stimulating things, he’d be interacting with other children and learning to share without being “difficult “ about it.

Your friends daughters have had masses of socialisation by the sound of it- plus have each other.

it’s so important to take kids out and about.

Definitely start taking your son to more toddler groups for socialisation.

Staying indoors won’t be helping at all.

One word: boys.

Boys are developmentally behind girls at that age (for example potty training, speech). So part of it is down to that IMO.

Sounds like your friend has taken her DDs to a cafe many times so they know the drill. If your son gets more practice getting out he’ll also learn. Soon he’ll be in nursery and he’ll catch up on that.

It can be hard not feeling insecure when others get the compliments. When that happens it can be helpful to genuinely be happy and inspired by the person who’s getting the praise. Don’t take it to heart.

Roseni with things like the bus journey were you engaging alot with your DS? I've found distracting young children before the tears or a tantrum sets in usually works,it could be anythink like telling him a story,a nursery rhyme,pointing to things out of the window and talking about what you can see.

I agree with a pp as well it was alot of firsts all at once for both of you so next time maybe try just one new thing at a time and as time goes on you can build your way up,that way there's less chance of either of you feeling so overwhelmed.

I'm sorry OP but, as others have said (and you recognise yourself), this has been caused by him being at home so much. Kids react this way in new situations, it's not unusual at all.

Those girls have learned how to behave in public because they've been taken out a lot. You can guarantee they weren't that compliant when they were first taken out. It takes time to teach them these things.

It's incredibly hard battling anxiety, especially with panic attacks, but honestly OP, you might find that getting out of the house more would help your mental health. Even if it's just to the end of the road and back at first. It sounds like DS is reaching the age of scooters and balance bikes - spending a bit of that energy is really important.

As for the jealousy over the girls getting told how pretty they are - you're going to have to suck that one up. It's not about you or DS in the slightest. Boys don't get fawned over the way little girls do. It's just how it is.

Echoing PPs - start much much much smaller OP. Being 2.5 is overwhelming! If it’s all new then just one of those things is an adventure!

If I was you I would focus on taking the bus together first. Talk about all the things you might see. Look at pictures of the busses. Talk about walking to the bus stop together and waiting for the bus. Buying your ticket from the driver. Choosing a seat.

Pick a stop 30 mins away - Pack a sandwich + have a bus picnic - then jump off the bus and wait to come home.

do that three times - then add in going to play at the park at the other end. etc etc

well done for starting. Don’t be disheartened. Little brains just need lots of help understanding the world and get easily overwhelmed by things we don’t think twice about!

This was his first time doing all these new activities, he’s going to be overwhelmed, the only way he knows to express that is to scream. He’s never been out before, he doesn’t know how to sit nicely in a cafe or how to ride the bus, he needs to learn all these new things. You need to persevere with taking him out to places, go to the play group with your friend again next week then you have back up if you need it.

I have a 3 year old, we’re often out and about doing things and have been since he was young but we still have days where he’s overwhelmed and a nightmare when we’re out, that’s just toddlers/kids for you. Don’t write him off yet, he’ll be absolutely fine with some time. You’ll likely see a vast improvement in his speech, manners, etc once he starts nursery too.

I had panic disorder when mine were small. Looking back I think it was hormonal related?
I did take them places but it wasn't always easy. Ds2 was a nightmare when a toddler. I took him for cranial osteopathy which helped loads. But sounds like your ds just needs slowly socialising?
Well done on trying . Just dial it back. It's good you have friends.
I hope you start feeling better soon? Best wishes.

I have to force myself to go out with my daughter more - she is 2.5 and has just started nursery. She does not enjoy sharing but I bring her to play cafes and just try to calmly explain to her that everyone gets one thing and we all take turns - she’s had some really bad tantrums but she definitely gets better all the time. I do hug her and tell her I understand that she is upset but she will get a turn and they will get a turn so that everyone has a chance to play.

Even now she has been getting more socialisation she has days when she is tired, overwhelmed or poorly and she just bawls. It does seem sometimes like the days you really need her to be good are the epic melt down days. I get anxious and feel a bit judged sometimes but whenever I talk to other mums they tell me they have similar days and similar feelings. It is hard and exhausting and overwhelming! Toddlers just haven’t developed the part of the brain that deals with emotional regulation so they feel everything stronger and harder than we do. He will learn and there will be a day (after many battles) that it just clicks!

In cafe’s I totally resort to bribery (though we have hyper days still when everything fails) - my daughter loves a babychino so she has to be good if she wants one and sometimes will get a flapjack or something nice. I bring favourite toys (Little dinosaurs, cars, animals), crayons and books (she has a little bag I often let her pack herself with what she wants to bring) and if she is just having a bad day I do let her watch cat videos on youtube on my phone - though that’s only when nothing else works. She is 2.5 and very strong willed so goes mad if we try and restrain her in a buggy or high chair so we do let her sit on her own seat - you can get booster cushions to put on chairs so they feel like a grown up!

I have been struggling with the buggy issue in that my daughter doesn’t like to use it but then she gets tired on walks and wants me to carry her and she is quite large for her age so I struggle to carry her far - she also decides she wants to push the buggy which is disastrous. We’ve recently gotten her a scooter and have a lead for it so she can now use the scooter and if she gets tired we pull her along with the lead. Only really works for flat surfaces but has been a life saver!

I guess the main thing is to play around with different methods - each child is different and will respond better to different things. Some people are lucky and their kids are just easy. We often think we’ve finally cracked it and then we have a little bit of regression too - I recently had a month where I didn’t take her anywhere because she was like a hurricane but the last few weeks she has been great! It’s all a process - I definitely have looked at other mums and kids sitting and behaving and wondered how they do it. We have a lovely day today of good behaviour and then she climbed on a table, threw a pint of water on me laughing and threw all her toys on the ground - swings and roundabouts!