Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

Lots of good advice here.

i just wanted to add that my DD & DS were like chalk and cheese at your sons age.

DD was well behaved, excellent communication/language skills and generally much easier. DS didn’t speak well until three, didn’t join in in group activities and would run off, generally never stopped. Compared to his sister he sounds badly behaved but he wasn’t. He just matured a bit later.

This was without the situation that you face with him not being exposed to outside experiences.

It sounds really tough for you. Could you maybe start off doing an hour at a local park, going for little walks in the pram locally etc? Just to get him used to being out and about. It was probably a bit overwhelming for him. It doesn't sound like he was too bad, all toddlers are little monkeys at times! And maybe get some help with your anxiety as well, perhaps speak to the GP?

I think your friend could be a valuable ally here.

Are you prepared to be honest with her? (You may already have told her everything)

I'd be inclined to message her and acknowledge that whilst you found your day out a challenge, you really want to work on your son's socialisation. Maybe see if she'd be happy for you to tag along next time they do something? Possibly not a group but maybe a picnic in the park. Its not your friend's responsibility but I'd be willing to help my friends in similar circumstances.

Other things you could do is take little one out yourself. Just for local walks, local parks and maybe work up to lunch in the park? You don't have to go far, or be out for long?

Best of luck with it all. Sounds like you're having a tough time so carry on accessing all the help you can.

All children are different- 2 of mine I could have taken out like that and they'd have been fine- one has always been highly strung and would have screamed and run and tantrumed. He'll get there- it's all new and overwhelming for him too.
The comments are horrible- an older woman once made me cry in a shop when my kids were acting up- but don't worry about it- people forget what it's like to have small children. 2.5- 4 was the hardest age for me with all my kids.

oh OP - i don't have time to read the full thread but as i'm sure others have said, just take mini-outings. It's a bit easier when you aren't meeting anyone and can let your son dictate when you leave/not rush etc. Just a short bus ride to the supermarket or park can be enough

and as for your friend's kids being complimented please remember - cute adults were often not the cutest children. and the cutest children often turn into little monsters - largely from teh attention they get from being complimented!

I'm just adding to the well dones so that you know what you did was hard but that it was a really important step for you.

Your son sounds perfectly normal for his age - but that's incredibly hard to deal with when you're already stretching yourself to get out the door and into public. Your friend sounds fabulous to help you with this.

Could you try something lower stress next time - maybe a local park with your friend so there are fewer children and fewer stresses for you?

Please don't underestimate what a step forward this was for you. I hope the next step is slightly less difficult and all those following will keep you moving in the right direction.

Hang in there OP. It will get easier. I had a daughter and then twins less than two years later and I didn't cope too well. I found leaving the house very anxiety provoking and had more than a few bad experiences. I completely get how you feel. It is however a case of practice, practice, practice and baby steps! A little trip out (even just to feed the ducks) every single day. Or playdates at your house. Trips to the park etc You'll gradually get your confidence and so will your son. My kids are secondary school age now and are wonderful (they've always been wonderful, but it just gets so much easier with time... Promise) x

OP when my DS was 2 1/2 I stupidly took my eye off him for a moment in a cafe. The next thing I knew he'd somehow undone his high chair straps (he was like Houdini) and had reached to the table grabbed the cutlery and was THROWING KNIVES. I grabbed him left money on the table and legged it never to return.

That was far from his only especade... I was constantly exhausted and watchful from the time he hit 2 until he was about 3 1/2. I'm happy to say he's now 11 and has fairly normal table manners. I used to watch people with beaufiually behaved children and nearly weep. It didn't matter what I did he was going to do it HIS WAY. I did everything I did with DD and far more. DD was calm, well behaved and easy in nearly every way - DS was "spirited".

Your friends children sound remarkably placid. Your dc sounds a bit over whelmed and overly active. Write it off - some toddlers are just challenging and exhausting and you've done nothing wrong.

Well done for getting out there, keep trying it does get easier and remember if he's playing up most mums are thinking well at least it's her kid today and not mine

I agree with this, build up and you won’t feel so overwhelmed and neither will your little boy.
Well done though considering you say you have bad anxiety to get through all you did in one day I think was quite a feat. It would be a busy day for someone who is used to just getting up and going out.
Also don’t take to heart what other people do or say hope things get better for you and your son

I remember being a solo mum and looking at mums of multiples in AWE! They just seem to have it together (some days). With 3 such smalls children your friend has likely learned not to sweat the small stuff, which does genuinely affect children. They pick up on your anxiety, even when they're tiny babies, and will act accordingly. It does seem like you might be comparing a big day of 'firsts' for both you and your son, where stuff didn't go so well, with a day which was full of normal moments and went very well. Perhaps your friend goes to this group a lot, her children know what to expect, they're used to the bus etc. This will all change how they behave compared to your son who was in a totally new environment.

I also used to compare my high octane, loud, busy, rambunctious boy with my friends polite, placid girls and think it must have been something I was doing. But a lot of them now have boys, and I have a girl and I do think there's something in the gender stereotypes there. Exceptions to every rules of course, but that could also be a factor at play.

Think you need to focus on the positives...you went out! You tried it, you both learned some things. Next time (and you need to make sure there's a next time) maybe it'll go better. You could do parts of the same thing again, talk to your son about going back to the playgroup, how he's going to use gentle hands when he's there and how sharing works etc. He probably won't take it all in, but some of it might go in. They always seem to understand more than I expect they can.

Deep breath. Some days are overwhelming, and unhelpful comments from people on the bus can really deplete your confidence. You got this though!

Some thoughts from me:

1. You have done brilliantly to get out and about. Anxiety is awful and you have taken a really positive step.
2. Your friend sounds lovely.
3. We have ALL had days like this with young children. Days when you think 'Thank God it's over' when you put your head on the pillow.
4. I very much doubt anyone at the playgroup took any notice of a misbehaving little toddler. When you go to playgroups, you accept there will be toddlers that snatch, cry, play up, have a tantrum, run around, run away, have a meltdown. No-one would have batted an eyelid and they are all focused on their own children anyway.
5. Your little boy is still a baby. He's learning. It's fine (and normal).
6. Who cares what some silly old woman said on a bus. She either has never had children or has forgotten what it's like. She needs to keep her trap shut.
7. I have two boys. They moved, they had ants in their pants, they wouldn't sit still. The idea of colouring and sitting still and chatting like little girls do? Forget it. Mine are now grown up, very polite, articulate, lots of friends, hardworking. When they were 2.5? Not so much!

Go easy on yourself. Take baby steps as others have said. Give it another go with your friend's support and a shorter little outing. You sound like a lovely mummy who is trying her best. That's all you can ask of yourself.

It sounds like you braved a few firsts today so well done! I see it was stressful but you did it! And it’s the first step in introducing your little one to going out more. Take a deep breath and know that most people, even very well behaved ones, have off days and that is perfectly ok, especially for a 2 year old! My suggestion would be next time, when he screams and cries, please know you are not alone. He just needs regulating and even that won’t work all the time so go easy on yourself. He’s getting in some good practise for school and socialising etc. like another poster says, maybe next time small steps- just one activity at a time as it’s easy for both you and him to get overwhelmed. Honestly, go easy on yourself x

Ah poor you. My son is a teenager now - I remember once we went out and he behaved so badly we had to come home. I screamed at him in the car park for ruining the day - not exactly model parenting but I was stressed and upset. It all passed and turned out fine. Chin up. It's just one day. Maybe do something next time which your child might be more relaxed with? A park for a short run around/ not too much travelling. I'm sure you're doing great, everyone has bad days

Ahh you poor thing!! That sounds very stressful!! Please don't let this derail you! All kids are so so different and actually ALL of the boys that I know (especially my own 2 year old) are MUCH more boisterous than the little girls I know! I know that's not gonna be across the board, but in my experience, boys ate a different breed entirely! Your son sounds no different from my own, he has good days and bad days, can be an angel or an absolute demon! One time we were out to eat and he knocked over and broke a bottle of vinegar, I'm sure the folks around us were loving having their poor eyes stung with the strong smell!! The old lady on the bus is typical of her generation, they forget how difficult kids at this age can be and think they did everything so much better. So don't mind her. You keep getting out there with your wee man, bring snacks is the biggest tip! Please don't compare yourself to others otherwise you'll hide away forever! You're a great mum and you tell yourself that! Make things as easy as possible for yourself, go out after nap time so he's well slept, go where it's quiet etc and have an escape plan for tantrums! Don't doubt yourself, it's a difficult season in motherhood!

What you have to do is practice, each day a bit further for you and your kid. Look for therapy to help with your anxiety and take your time.
It is not impossible, but it needs practice a lot of it.
Time ago I only could stand 20 mind in a playground due anxiety. Driving was something I couldn't even stand thinking of it.
Today I drove us to meet some friends and expend all morning outside in a playground having some fun.

You can do it.

Well done for getting out there - it sounds like a draining day, but you still took that step. I agree with a pp that your friend’s daughters sound a bit unusual. Your son being more challenging that one day doesn’t make you a bad parent. And he’s still very little, so I would really try not to beat yourself up about not doing a lot socially til now. Best of luck with the next adventure, and maybe you can take it steady and do a bit less in one go…

I am confused as to why you had a child when you weren’t in a fit state to care for them?

Neglecting their socialisation is extremely damaging to them and can have lifelong consequences.

And I’m not judging, because I’ve been there too. I waited until I was mentally healthy enough to have my children, and yes, that took over a decade.

But it was important and necessary because I didn’t want my illness to negatively affect any children I had. I didn’t want them to suffer because of me.

Are you actually serious?! I've never heard such a reductive take on the nature of mental illness, particularly from someone who claims to have experienced it!

You think POST natal anxiety can't be a thing then? Or that people can't have relapses in their illnesses?! Or that PARENTHOOD is so breezy that the reality of it in itself doesn't slap you up the face from the relentlessness, lack of sleep and worry?!

My question to you is...why comment on this thread with such unsupportive nonsense? Why tear someone down more when they are both clearly TRYING and ALREADY feeling shit about themselves.

Not that it is any of your business but I was in a happy relationship, we had been together for 5 years and planned our child. 6 months into the pregnancy my partner totally changed and became physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. I have no family local and I was terrified about telling my friends. One day he up and left and I’ve not heard from him since. He flipped my world on its head. When I decided to have a child I was in as good of place as any to have one, things changed no one can control that. Mental health is unpredictable anyone could start suffering any day, just like anyone could become physically ill and have that impact their parenting.
I am receiving treatment, I hate that my health has impacted my son negatively.
Now politely take your ignorance and fuck off.

👏👏👏 Well said OP.

The mind boggles at the ignorance of their comment.

Your first problem is you immediately felt disheartened when your friend's daughters were complimented. Why? It shouldn't make you feel bad, but it does do maybe you actually need to be more self absorbed, more focussed on your own kids and day and not other peoples. I think anxiety often comes from thinking too much about things, but maybe here it's that you're thinking too much about other people. Think more about yourself!

Your kid screams on the bus and people notice. Good for them! He's a child, it happens. It doesn't matter if ten other kids on the bus were quietly reading Shakespeare to themselves. Your kid is a kid and that's life.

Secondly, maybe your kid is responding to your nervousness by walking all over you. Because you're anxious around other people, perhaps you're also anxious around him and are a bit afraid to correct him or tell him off a bit and that's why he won't say please or thank you - he's used to getting away with it or getting what he wants without saying. Some of this is personality dependent of course, and kids will respond differently to identical treatment. But, have you tried simply refusing to give him what he wants if he doesn't say please and thank you? Even if he screams and embarrasses you?

It might be that you're unwittingly Leyton the anxiety stop you from holding your ground with him in little ways that might also make him a little more calm or well behaved in public. But all kids are different and he might just have a different personality to all these other kids you're comparing him to.

Cut yourself some slack and just ride the bus with your screaming just as if you were born to be there and this is exactly what buses are for.

Also if you know your anxiety is stopping him from interacting with other kids for months at a time as you're afraid to take him out, can you sign him up to a playgroup where you just drop him off and pick him up?

Then you don't have to worry about his behaviour while you're out. You just do pick up and drop off.

My son couldn't handle coffee shops no matter how often I tried with him, he wanted to be doing something more active and he thrived in places like the park where he could run off steam. Even if we'd been on a long walk or to the park first, he'd struggle in that environment and many times I felt like crying when my friends daughter sat quietly eating her food.

The thing is I'd been taking my son out since he was tiny, we'd gone to all the groups and parks while my friend had stayed indoors. They didn't go anywhere apart from a once a week drive to her mums and yet her dd sat beautifully in the cafe once she started joining me when her dd was 2. She was just naturally calm and happy to sit and look around. Socialising little ones is important but sometimes it's just their personality.

Comparing isn't helpful op, you'll end up wasting these early years with your little boy if you go down that road. You were brave to try op keep going, you can do this.

@LittleBooThang , I've reported your ignorant and sanctimonious post. I don't suppose they'll remove it but I hope they do.

@paisley256 my nephew was exactly the same. That’s the thing they are all individuals and develop differently. There isn’t a ‘cause’ for everything, often it’s just how they are.