Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

Bloody well done for going out the front door today. That’s a great start.

my son would have been just like yours - I too remember all the angelic little girls who would colour and sit nicely with their Babychino whilst my son would be climbing the walls in Costa.

Are There any small toddler groups you could walk to locally? I’m wondering about a church run one where there might be some kinder older people.

it sounds like you’re getting help for the anxiety so well done and keep going. You can do this.

This is such a good reply!

I’m getting therapy and take medication. I’m getting there it’s just a process.

Everything that @OchonAgusOchonOh has said. You can do this OP .X

My son is a toddler and also screamed and cried at nursery and today at the park when I tried to strap him into buggy- I don't hunk this makes me a bad mum or worse than I was two weeks ago when he didn't scream- he's just going through a phase that's normal for toddlers

OP, it will get better.
It's a lot for him to get used to if he's not been out much but it WILL get better.

It seems to me like you have a lovely friend who will help turn things around for you and your son and you need to accept her help and start getting out more . As a pp said it’s hardly your childs fault that he doesn’t know how to behave in social situations and the more you take him out the better it will get .

OP, go and have a little look at your baby, asleep in his bed. Would you trade him for one of your friend's "beautiful, perfectly behaved" daughters? Of course not. He has his own wonderful personality, complete with good and bad qualities, and good and bad days, just like everyone else.

It was a huge, busy day for him and he was probably just tired and overwhelmed. Tomorrow, have a quiet day at home with lots of cuddles.
Next week, go out to a couple of things. A baby group one day, the library another day.
Baby steps, as a PP said.

I suspect your friend takes her girls out a lot. She's figured out what works well for them, how to manage their own particular quirks, and her girls are used to the routine of getting on the bus, saying hello to people etc. Also, siblings learn so much from eachother. It's normal for her 2yos to be a bit "ahead" of your 2.5yo in speech and social skills because they have an older sibling to copy. Also because they're girls, who tend to pick up language and social skills slightly earlier.

I'm sorry it was a hard day. You're doing the right things, just dial it back a little and give yourself and your little boy grace for a while, while you figure it out. You'll get there!

Please try not to worry, he’s very young at 2.5 and it does sound a full on day with toddle group, bus journeys and coffee shop. Maybe just try really small trips but often - the local shop and encourage him to interact with the staff. Even if he doesn’t say thank you/bye etc it sets up a routine/expectation that it’s what you do. Try and get out to a park if you have one nearby, even if you only make it halfway and turn back it’s something. do t let one tricky day put you off.

I have a 3 yo DD and some days she’s amazing and would seem like the most polite sweet child in the world and sometimes she’s screaming or running off or just being stressful.

This. It was too much in one day, for both of you.
There's an expression 'envy is the thief of joy' - your friend's dds were well behaved but they were in familiar surroundings. They had 'one up' on your ds. In time he will get better too, i'm sure.

I was housebound, pretty much, with agoraphobia for almost a year, many years ago so i do understand the overwhelming-ness of it all. Please seek and take any support you can, and in terms of getting yourself and your son out and about, keep expectations low but regular - one day to the corner shop, next day the park, next day two stops on the bus.....you'll get there

You managed the outside activities and you can do this again. It was tough but you survived. Do get help for your anxiety. You are doing the best for your son. It will get better going out with your son. The noise and bustle might have been overwhelming for him. Try one activity tomorrow- it can be just going to a local shop in walking distance or out for a short walk- take the buggy. Show him things along the way. Keep his attention focused. It will get better and easier.

It's not about comparing yourself to others but to what you were yesterday. You took a huge step out of your comfort zone and clearly wish to give your child the opportunity to develop social skills. Keep taking him out bit by bit, it might be easier to get outside now as summer arrives. Keep going!

I just wanted to say a massive well done for pushing past your comfort zone like that for the sake of your son. You sound like a wonderful mum 🥰 Please dont be disheartened, the best thing you can do for him now is keep it up!

Oh and my 2 year old can go between how you described both your son and your friends kids at different times. All kids are different, same as adults. Be kind to yourself. ☺️

I think you were very brave but it sounded like way too much.

Baby groups are really great, try them first. Only an hour or so, very little judgement normally. I think you need to ease yourself in.

Don't worry about what other people think about your son, he hasn't been around other children that much and it takes a lot of getting used to for them. I've been going to baby groups with my two year year-old since she was very young and she's only now starting to interact with the other children. Your friends children were happy and comfortable because they are used to each others company, your son was well out his comfort zone.

Don't give up! Most 2 year olds are just like your son I promise...very very few are polite angels.

On another note (and totally appreciate this is potentially stereotyping) but my sons 'needs' were very different to my daughters. My daughter would love going to coffee shops, the library, walking hand in hand, colouring, jigsaws etc. My son was more 'wild'. Activities such as running around an enclosed park, bike rides in big, open spaces and swimming suited him much better. Your friend sounds very supportive but maybe think more about how much both you and your son can handle and what type of things your son will enjoy.

What great advice from all PPs.

I have 2 boys (17 & 18). When they were little we went out a lot and mixed with lots of other children. They learnt from a young age, but gradually, how to behave and deal with different situations. Obviously they were used to sharing as there’s only a year between them.

That said, I had to be firm when we were out because they used to get very silly and try and skid on the floors and attack eachother. Wide open space = nightmare. At home = (almost) angels

Girls are often calmer and more sensible. I have a friend with 4 children (all now adults) and the more children she had the better behaved they were because (I think) they knew she needed their help to keep control (for want of a better explanation).

In relation to sharing; my niece and nephew (adults now) were bad at sharing because they didn’t have to. Four year age gap and also niece had girl toys nephew wasn’t interested in and vice versa

Don’t be disheartened. Keep going with your boy. You’ll both get there 😊

Coffee shops and toddlers don't mix well. Try going to a park...less comparison to other kids and plenty of space to run around and scream.etc.

Take smaller manageable steps.
Parenting is hard. Toddlers are hard.

Think about what went well: You have a supportive friend, you made plans to go out and you followed throught. You went to a play group. You went on the bus. You went to a coffee shop. They are all achievements! Well done!!!

I'm sure there's lots more things that went well too.

Yes this.

Way too much in one day.

Try one thing at a time!

Build up slowly, for both of you.

As hard as it is try not to compare yourself to other mums! You only see one side of things and it can all be different from what it appears and behind closed doors! If your little boy hasn't been out much maybe it was a lot for him to take in if he's not used to as much stimulation, maybe he found it overwhelming. But he also sounds like a typical toddler! And good for you for getting out! Don't let today put you off. Get out and take him out as much as you can - it will get easier for both of you. And ignore the old lady. Most people would be sympathetic towards a mum struggling with a child having a tantrum - I know that's how I feel when I see that happening anyway :) you can do it!

I understand there's reasons behind it but the reason her daughters coped well and your son didn't was she has done this many times before and they have to share at home too. At 2.5 your son really needs to be meeting with children of his age a couple of times a week, this could be informally eg friends and family, at toddler groups/drop in play sessions or at paid for nursery where you leave him. Now you have done it once, try going weekly and see the progress. It will help you too

I don't think you need to have gone to groups etc for your son to be able to be polite and use please/thank you. That's where your parenting should have come in.

Oh op i had a ds where i had to literally follow him like a hawk and the amount of times i got into hot water with other parents because of ds pushing infront in the park slide etc. I still carried on taking him to that cafe, feeding ducks, to the park and holidayed so many times including long haul. I hated baby groups though and stopped going to it and put him into nursery at 2.5 where he learnt a lot as he was exposed to more social situations.

I've never stopped going out though. It was never easy though and he has suspected adhd and has a lot of sensory issues and often cries even though he is much older now. I used to see so many families on days out who had happy content children and used to look at ds who whinged and whined. Toddlers are hard work. I still go to restaurants now and use screen sometimes with headphones or just eat and leave immediately. well done for taking the first step though.

One word of advice, if your boy is energetic, wear him out first like a dog in an open field then take him to a coffee shop as he will be tired and you will enjoy it more.

When I see a Mom
struggling with a young child, I often want to just go up to her and tell her that I remember those days and that it will get easier. Even the picture perfect parents have bad days with little hell-raisers.

Going out will get easier for both of you with practice. It doesn’t have to be high stakes or a big thing. You can do something simple like go buy a few groceries or go to the library.

As for comparing your child to others, my dd was an absolute nightmare of a baby, toddler, and preschooler. There is no other way to say it. She screamed, she threw fits, she bolted and ran as fast as a cheetah, and she didn’t play like the other children. She was in fact different and certain things were harder for her. It didn’t matter in the long run. She is now a wonderful teenager with a very bright future. People contact me to let me know about her excellent conversation skills and manners after they spend time with her.

This is the hard phase, but you just have to keep going. Parent your child and don’t worry about anyone else’s. Each child is different and has different needs. One day, it will get easier.

By the way I regularly step in to calm a friend's grandchild who gets overwhelmed at toddlers, for her he plays up where as I can calm him down and reset basically. This is common with kids