Day out with toddler - I’m devastated!

[Roseni]

Hi, I think I’m just looking for somewhere to let it out.
I have severe anxiety, for the last 2 years it’s dominated my life, I’ve barely gone out. My little boy is 2.5 and hasn’t seen as much of the world as he should have. He starts nursery soon and I’m terrified.
Today I took a big step, I went to a toddler group and for a coffee with a friend and her 3 daughters. Her daughters are twins who just turned 2 and a 3 year old.
It was going ok at first, she came and met me at my house and walked with me to the group and I felt ok. Once in the group she helped introduce us to other people but I immediately felt disheartened as several people immediately complimented her daughters (the twins have beautiful blonde curly hair and her older daughter has gorgeous thick light brown curly hair, this seems to attract a lot of attention). Several people told her how beautiful they are. Then to knock my confidence more my son just lost it, he’s never had to share before as we rarely go out, he was stealing toys and screaming crying. It was all too much, my friend told me to step out and sat with my son. She managed to calm him down and got him to take turns. People were probably thinking I’m a crappy mum as I needed my friend to parent my son. I try to teach him manners at home but compared to her younger daughters he was so rude. They said adorable little pleases and thank yous all the time and my son wouldn’t even say it if prompted (his speech isn’t the best).

Then we had to get the bus into town for a coffee, I brought my sons buggy as he is a terrible walker but my friend managed with 2 2 year olds and a 3 year old with no buggy. She told me she doesn’t like having it as they are fine walking unless the buggy is there. For the whole 10 minute bus journey my son screamed and screamed while her girls were just so placid, chatting to an old lady. I heard the old lady say “your friend is very noisey isn’t he, you need to teach him how to behave” and that just broke my heart.
We got to Costa and her girls sat at the table (twins not even in high chairs) with a little snack and drink and they chatted and coloured and were so content. My son had to be strapped in his buggy. As soon as I let him out he bolted and screamed when I tried to put him back in.
The bus journey back was more of the same lots of screaming.
I’m home now and devastated, my friends children who are younger and twins and have an older sibling are so much better behaved, politer, kinder and they are even potty trained at barely two!! All the compliments on how pretty they are that my son didn’t get really ignited my insecurities from being a teen which I know is stupid.
I feel like I never want to go outside again and all the work I’ve put in was for nothing. I don’t know what to do and tonight I found myself thinking “why isn’t my son more like them” and that’s awful!

AIBU to feel this way? What do I do?

That's a great idea. Especially chatting about what to expect.

Please don't feel disheartened. A Costa trip is challenging for most toddlers, and I hate to gender stereotype but my experience is that little girls are far more likely to sit nicely colouring than most little boys are in that environment. My boy would never have done that, my girl would but even then she sometimes has days where she just doesn't want to feel confined to a table in a coffee shop! Re comments about their looks, people comment on girls in a way that they just don't with boys, wrong as that is! My advice would be to take the pressure off and go to places where your boy can run freely! Parks etc. Please don't be put off going out, just do easier things in future!

Trust me your friend has had days/days out/experiences where her children have been a nightmare too.. just like everyone. Some toddlers are nightmares some tweens are some teens are and Christ even some adult children.

I think you are being a bit harsh on yourself. You did so much all in one go it's amazing you did it. Ok it didn't go amazing but no one died all you can do is try again... it will get easier but the key point is please please please try again

You did great, OP. You know things need to be different for both of you and you’re working hard to achieve that. It sounds like you started with a marathon, rather than a trot around the block, though. Could you just take your son for a ride on the bus and back? Walk to the park so he can see other kids, without the expectation he has to engage? Some small steps that will build your confidence and his exposure, without overwhelming either of you. Good luck xxx

A thousand miles journey begins with a single step. Give yourself credit where credit is due- you are making a terrific effort. Not everyone has it easy in life. You are heading in the right direction. Keep it up

Do you have any family who could take him out OP? Not because I think you aren't capable or shouldn't but he will sense your anxiety and react to it. So a couple of times he goes for a bit of an adventure with a trusted person and you take a walk around the block or to the park or wherever you feel you can. When YOU feel less anxious start small ones together and build from there.
If you start feeling too anxious again, take some time out and do the same again. Your son gets to experience a bit of what's out there and you can concentrate on you again.

If there is noone you trust to do this, then I agree with the others. Baby steps. Start small. Do you have anywhere out the front to just sit and play with something? Watching people come and go and learning to interact that way, from a distance. Or even a walk around the block. Whatever is enough to keep your anxiety in check so your son is also able to relax.

Talk to people that you trust. Keep being brave as you are for your boy. Lean when you need to lean. You can get through this OP but it just might mean you do these things separately in little steps to start with so you can concentrate on YOU. We are allowed to do that even though society doesn't always agree.

He's only 2.5, the best way for him to socialise now is with you - puzzles, building blocks, books, lots of chat through the day as you talk to him about what you're doing will improve his speech, and when he talks back you response. Explain things to him even if he might not understand them etc.

As for playdates, that sounded like a lot - a group and then a bus ride and then a cafe and a bus ride.

Start with the playground, a walk to the shop, maybe the library.

My honest opinion is that there is a middle ground to be reached here.

My DS is 3.5 (also with a speech delay). I basically didn’t take him out to eat between 2-3 years old because he would never sit still in a cafe. Now, I mostly take him to places where the food is instant. Your friend’s girls are unusual in my experience of happily sitting there at that age. While it’s more usual for girls to sit and like colouring that boys, my friends’ girls still tended to need distracting with ipads etc at restaurants and cafes.

With the walking, do you take your DS on regular walks out to the park etc without a buggy? What about trying a scooter or balance bike etc?

Re his speech, are you talking to him at home? What does he do at home? Have you sought any advice for his speech delay? Eg have you self-referred to SALT or spoken to ICAN?

Lack of speech will also result in tantrums as they are unable to express their frustration.

To get you started with advice on speech delay:

• Do lots of roll play with DS eg ‘let’s brush teddy’s teeth and give him a bath’ , let’s have some tea and cake where we stir the tea with spoons’. Basically anything where you can describe what you’re doing.

• Read lots of books with him.

• Practice taking turns at things. Make things into a game.

• If he needs help with pronunciation, make the letter sounds with actions you do. Eg when you go for a walk with him, go ‘t, t, t’ with each step.

• Do ‘match+1’. So if you see a dog, instead of saying ‘dog’, say ‘brown dog’. Or ‘tall trees’ or red bus’

• Then work up to modelling, where you expand the sentence ‘the brown dog is running very fast’.

• If you need some downtime with tv, Yakka Dee on iplayer is a great show specifically to help with speech, using match + 1 and modelling. Something Special (Mr Tumble) has also been great.

@Roseni

Watching reruns of the sitcom ‘Outnumbered’ might be helpful here! The Mum has three beautiful, intelligent, unruly children and struggles to get them out the house - whereas the neighbour’s children come out looking perfect every day.
I hated toddler groups. They are an utter minefield. And then you had a bus trip home. That was a lot for one day! I find a trip to the park much better - more freedom, more choice, more space, you can come and go as you please, and very occasionally get chatting to a nice parent.
Preschool - I didn’t chat to many Mum’s. Now at reception, I haven’t gone out of way to make friendships - but over time I’ve started chatting to a couple of Mum’s. It’s taken me half a year though.
Just be yourself. Your son will learn lots at preschool. And tbh, you sound exactly like the Mum I’d warm to - rather than ‘the perfect gang’. You will find your tribe.

@Roseni My niece had severe agoraphobia when her oldest daughter was small and so, like you rarely went out with her daughter. I gif her to come out with me and my 4 kids and she felt much the same as you because she felt mine behaved and hers didn’t, but really it’s just mine we’re doing something they were used to and hers was not. We dialled it back to smaller trips with just 1 or 2 of mine and she soon saw her daughter was much better some days where mine were horrible! Now she’s got 4 kids and they’re generally far less hassle than mine! Please don’t stop trying just put less pressure on yourself. ❤️

Honestly Op once he's at nursery he will be so much better and that may make going out a lot easier for you and give you confidence as you won't have to worry about him as much which will be a big weight off.

Please don't let comments here upset you too much. Mumsnet is great about mental health - until it's something that can't be solved within a few weeks and then posters can get quite nasty. A lot of people just don't understand and are very sure you can just get over it by giving yourself a stern talking-to.

Little boys very rarely get complimented as much as girls and especially not twins I imagine you're spiralling a bit here thinking this has implications for his future it really doesn't.
Your son isn't rude, he's just two. Bus lady can stuff it.

Could you pick outings with fewer people around? My anxiety was nowhere near this bad but I would have been stressed by toddler group, bus AND costa with an active two year old! Could your friend maybe meet you in a park so your son could get used to sharing your attention with fewer other stressors around for both of you?

I don’t mean to speak negatively of him, I know it’s my fault and that I haven’t socialised him enough and I feel so horrible for that. I know I’ve held him back and I hate myself for it. It’s just hard when I realise how far back I’ve really held him and I don’t want these thoughts I don’t choose them.

It's okay, OP. This isn't as big of a deal as it seems. He will catch up. He's very young still. My son's speech took till 2.5 to get going and then went with a real bang (and he didn't even do nursery till a year later.) It's clear that your negative feelings are about yourself and your behaviour, not him. But try not to let your anxiety pin to him (I know it's hard.) Don't compare a little boy to (reasonably precocious-sounding!) little girls and feel bad, it's a generalisation but in my experience boys often take a little longer with some things. All kids are different. It's not all a consequence of your anxiety. Your little one will be fine.

Such genius.

@Lassiata your message is so harsh. This mother of a very young child has had a bad day and all you can do is put the boot in.

I probably shouldn't engage as your clearly one of those tedious posters that has nothing helpful to day but I want to for the sake of the OP. Namely, don't fret about socialisation! You are his social contact for now, and all he needs.

His social skills will come, gradually and over time, but for some kids it takes a while and for some of us, as Lassiata proves, it never comes at all. Right now, you're enough for him and your chat and affection will be the foundation for friendships in the future. But placing too much emphasis on 'socialisation' at 2.5 years, as if kids of this age should be throwing little tea parties together or or something, is really laughable.

@Lassiata sorry that message was to @oakleaffy
Will try to edit.

YABVU, you have been horrible about your little son.

You seem to see him as a reflection of yourself rather than his own person: you think all of his perceived shortcomings are your fault, and you are projecting your inferiority complex onto him. You seem to feel ashamed and disappointed by him.

He is his own person and toddlers mentally develop at different rates. No one will care in years to come that he was not fully speaking, regulating his emotions or sharing his toys when he was 2.5. Similarly, no one will care that your friend's children were.

You shouldn't feel other people's children receiving compliments takes anything away from you and your child. Stop comparing, and be happy for other people. Bear in mind that those people who complimented your friend's daughters didn't compliment the whole rest of the playgroup either: it's not like your son was being singled out.

You can work on is being happy for other people's good fortune (instead of self-pitying and making it all about yourself); stop comparing; and accept your son as he is and the natural time it takes for his personality and skills to develop.

The elderly woman on the bus was very rude and her comment was unacceptable. This deficiency in manners (and perhaps forgetting with time what toddlers are like) is entirely her own problem.

Click on the three dots on the top right of your post

You took the first step and took him out for the day so that’s really good. He’s just not used to it. Dont let this put you off, he needs to get used to being around other people, sharing etc.

Your friends daughters sound extremely well behaved so it’s probably one extreme to the other. At barely 2 my DC wouldn’t have sat still in a cafe or on the bus for longer than a few mins, I would have definitely taken the pram with us.

Also it will be really good for him to go to nursery and be around other children, I’d be trying to get him there asap even for a couple of days.

Doesn't show up for me - it might be a subscriber feature.

What do you do? You imagine yourself and him in ten or twenty years time and ask yourself whether it matters.

Proud of you OP. You should be proud of yourself for trying.

we’ve all had times where our child has acted demonic in front of a friends perfectly behaved child. I’ve cried many a time after a traumatic play date. But I’ve also sometimes been the one with the “perfectly” behaved child while there’s wasn’t! It happens.

I echo what others say. One thing at a time. Start low. I like going to playgrounds really early in the morning when it’s quiet - could you try that perhaps?

Do you have any family that could help? I think you are being really hard on yourself. I remember taking ds to a music class and we had to get the bus there. He enjoyed the bus ride more than the class and was the only child who kept bolting for the door. It was his first day there so I tried again to see if he would grow to enjoy it but by the 3rd class I realised it wasn't for him. I then took him to a freeplay class where they had little play stations and he could go between indoors and outdoors and he loved it. My dd1 and dd2 both preferred more organised muclsic classes, different classes suit different kids.

It was only his first time there and with a bus ride there and back it was a lot for him. Do you have a garden? If so now the weather is getting better i would get him out there every day or if you have a local park that you can walk to i would try that. Ask someone to accompany you at first, maybe a family memeber without kids who can help should he bolt and give you some moral support too. This will help him practice his walking. Build up your confidence and his by going early morning at first just to get used to it, then try a but later when more people are likely to be there and see how you both find it.

Reach out to your hv and see if there are any local classes she or he would recommend that you can get to within walking distance. You've taken a fist step op, be proud of yourself.

This is really good advice.

It sounds like it was an overwhelming day for both of you. @Roseni I hope you can recognise that you took a huge first step and even if your little one had his moments, you deserve a huge pat on the back from yourself for stepping so far outside of your comfort zone. Your son sounds like the average 2 year old to me. They have good days and bad days but honestly, yours sounds like he had a lively day! As the above poster said, take small steps together. Good luck.

You're getting help for your anxiety and that's a big step in the right direction. Try to look at the day as a learning experience. Try little outings and eventually that will turn into bigger ones. He is only little and you will get there.

Omg, this post has done my head in.

I have 2 DS who loved going to cafes and on buses and we also got rid of the pram early because they loved walking about but I can assure you it was nothing to do with parenting, it's all a personality thing. The vast majority of my friends with DS wouldn't dare go near a cafe and their boys are now 4! It's soft play or a park only.

With toilet training my mums friend has 5 boys and told me not to bother until 2 y and 7m and I didn't. I delayed younger a few months further because he is speech delayed and exceptionally shy and didn't want him to get into a situation where he needed to go to the toilet but couldn't tell another adult that he needed help. They both trained within a few days and were ready at night too.

Anxiety lies to you and robs you of enjoying experiences. I bet your friend has a completely different perspective of your day out. You have been through so much (DV, single parenthood, supporting a child with speech delay) and today you managed to get out the house and go to a group). Is your health visitor aware of the circumstances? Could they support you with homestart or maybe some strategies to support you to get through the tricky tantrum days? Your DS sounds like a completely normal 2.5 year old and some days are difficult, especially at the stage when they can't definitively tell you what's wrong.