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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL coming to stay with added extra

567 replies

Babycatsmummy · 26/04/2024 19:12

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

OP posts:
Nodealio · 02/05/2024 23:22

Just be very careful once baby arrives OP. Very very common for partners/MILS to tread over your boundaries and when you try to reinforce them tell you you're hormonal/have PND. Infact many women develop PND because of how they're treated after baby is born. Good luck with baby.

justasking111 · 02/05/2024 23:37

Nodealio · 02/05/2024 23:22

Just be very careful once baby arrives OP. Very very common for partners/MILS to tread over your boundaries and when you try to reinforce them tell you you're hormonal/have PND. Infact many women develop PND because of how they're treated after baby is born. Good luck with baby.

@Babycatsmummy needs to pass that over the midwife who can have a talk with partner

Fraaahnces · 03/05/2024 03:48

I would be very reluctant to trust your “D” P. He never stood up for you. He didn’t fight for you.

Thursdaygirl · 03/05/2024 06:43

Fraaahnces · 03/05/2024 03:48

I would be very reluctant to trust your “D” P. He never stood up for you. He didn’t fight for you.

Very true, it was the letting agent who sorted this out, not your DP

diddl · 03/05/2024 06:52

All the best for today Op.

Tigersonvaseline · 03/05/2024 07:10

@LemonyFace

What a bizzare point of view? Remember usually people posting are polite, nice decent people who respect others and yet by dint of having a partner are suddenly faced with an unreasonable person who treats them rudely.

It takes time for this to sink in, one thinks, was it a one off? What's happening and over time they wear one down and one becomes accustomed to it.
Then one gets to a point, trigger points are commonly around a birth and you have to think about someone else else eg the baby and that's when people have enough.

At that point again usually one has to change ones whole thought process to act in a way we don't usually act in or havant needed too.

That's hard and it's a process! Someone on mn should never expect or be disappointed someone didn't instantly leave their partner or "do what they said".
How bizzare!
However gently offering advice, and a different pov is helpful and helps one to reach that "I'm better than this" mindset.

It's a process.

Tigersonvaseline · 03/05/2024 07:13

Good luck op and hopefully the midwife can help impress the points.

JudgeJ · 03/05/2024 07:27

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/04/2024 07:26

She...shows pictures of her son bursting through her fanjo to people?

I wonder if there'll be massive enlargements on the walls for his 21st birthday or his wedding?

LemonyFace · 03/05/2024 08:16

Tigersonvaseline · 03/05/2024 07:10

@LemonyFace

What a bizzare point of view? Remember usually people posting are polite, nice decent people who respect others and yet by dint of having a partner are suddenly faced with an unreasonable person who treats them rudely.

It takes time for this to sink in, one thinks, was it a one off? What's happening and over time they wear one down and one becomes accustomed to it.
Then one gets to a point, trigger points are commonly around a birth and you have to think about someone else else eg the baby and that's when people have enough.

At that point again usually one has to change ones whole thought process to act in a way we don't usually act in or havant needed too.

That's hard and it's a process! Someone on mn should never expect or be disappointed someone didn't instantly leave their partner or "do what they said".
How bizzare!
However gently offering advice, and a different pov is helpful and helps one to reach that "I'm better than this" mindset.

It's a process.

Why are you @ ing me? All I did was wish op best of luck, and say what lots of others have said - that her dp was in the wrong.

Tigersonvaseline · 03/05/2024 08:35

Because of your comments about lily livered ops with issues who don't follow advise?

alrightluv · 03/05/2024 08:57

@LemonyFace you're right. It's lovely to read someone being strong and not backing down.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/05/2024 08:57

Best of luck today and onwards @Babycatsmummy!

I think I might really love your letting agent a bit 😍I can only imagine how that news went down in Casa Overstay-your-welcome 😆

LemonyFace · 03/05/2024 09:10

Tigersonvaseline · 03/05/2024 08:35

Because of your comments about lily livered ops with issues who don't follow advise?

I never said that!!!! Think you need better comprehension skills.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/05/2024 09:24

Good luck today @Babycatsmummy.

Let us know how it goes and please do keep us updated about how it's going with your MIL. I'm a bit worried she will camp out at yours from morning until night if you don't put your foot down.

Make it clear that she can't come over for more than a couple of hours at a time and not when your own visitors are there. And if she and your partner don't respect your wishes, don't be afraid to go back to stay at your friend's house.

JFDIYOLO · 03/05/2024 09:28

Oh WELL DONE! 🌟

Your found your rage and your strength at a time when you shouldn't have had to.

This woman descends on your home, takes it over - and now wonders why you aren't there and can't see she's the reason. There's something wrong with her, isn't there.

Your partner put her first, told you she'd always come first over his partner and child - and now realises there are consequences to being a wimpish mummy's boy. She made him this way.

Well done, birthing partner.

Well done, letting agent.

👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐

Chocolatestain · 03/05/2024 10:20

Well done OP and good luck for today, really hoping everything goes smoothly.

I think you’ve taken a really mature approach to this situation. Your DP clearly has some issues he needs to work out. He was abandoned by his mother as a child, which must have been traumatic, and that’s not his fault. However he’s now an adult and needs to address that trauma and move on if he is to be a good partner and father. You have shown him how a woman can be both wel-boundaried and reasonable, neither of which are qualities he will have seen in his mother. Your grown-up, rational behaviour has shone a light on her self-centred manipulation and hopefully he is beginning to see her for who she really is. If he is genuinely a good person in other situations then I think you are right to give him a chance to sort himself out. Sometimes it takes a crisis to push people into changing deeply ingrained ways. And I have complete faith in you OP that you won’t be taking any more bollocks from him now that you both know you have the option to move out.

Thursdaygirl · 03/05/2024 10:38

Is MIL now in a Travelodge?

Americano75 · 03/05/2024 10:39

All the best for today, can't wait to hear all about your new arrival!

goody2shooz · 03/05/2024 11:31

Tigersonvaseline · 03/05/2024 08:35

Because of your comments about lily livered ops with issues who don't follow advise?

I think you owe @LemonyFace an apology - you’re confusing her with the post by @lemonyfox

LemonyFace · 03/05/2024 11:33

goody2shooz · 03/05/2024 11:31

I think you owe @LemonyFace an apology - you’re confusing her with the post by @lemonyfox

Thanks @goody2shooz 😊
I really was very confused as to what I had done wrong.

lemonyfox · 03/05/2024 11:41

@Tigersonvaseline if you were referring to my post then gosh, it's really not that serious. Talk about an overreaction. I was being supportive of the OP standing up for themselves compared the typical posters who ask for advice and then don't take it.

Hope you have a nice weekend 👍🏻

Myonlysunshine123 · 03/05/2024 11:46

@Babycatsmummy I think you're awesome! You've been so strong standing up for yourself. Hope everything goes well and you get to live in the newborn bubble happily xx

Tigersonvaseline · 03/05/2024 11:57

@lemonyfox

It is serious to me actually because I got lots of help with certain issues over the years from mumsnet and wasn't able to immediately act on advice from the random on the Internet. However lots of wonderful posters gave advice or sometimes one comment that helps one to see things in a different way is so helpful in the process.

  1. Sony deride people as weak or whatever for having issues esp in in law way

  2. most advice is so helpful and people mull things over and changes take time.

lemonyfox · 03/05/2024 11:59

@Tigersonvaseline not quite sure I'm following your post, but either way I'm happy for you that Mumsnet advice has helped you.

DrJoanAllenby · 03/05/2024 12:02

Best wishes for today and the safe arrival of your new baby.

You're being very generous in allowing him to be present at the birth.