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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL coming to stay with added extra

567 replies

Babycatsmummy · 26/04/2024 19:12

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 02/05/2024 18:06

Where has the MIL gone to? A nearby hotel?

AllyArty · 02/05/2024 18:08

Good things happen to good people.

Best of luck tomorrow X

Babycatsmummy · 02/05/2024 18:09

Thursdaygirl · 02/05/2024 17:59

I've told DP he can follow his mummy to her new place of residence if he feels that hard done by but judging by the texts I'm receiving from him, I think he's had enough 🫢

Do share OP, what’s been going on with DP and his delightful mother???

I'm not entirely sure but knowing her as well as I do, it would probably involve a lot of moaning toward DP and nit picking etc. He did mention she had a go at him because we didn't bring certain things to our new flat with us from the old house that were hers ( nothing sentimental just pots, pans, plates, blankets etc)

He said when he got home from work she had 4 of her friends there and he couldn't even sit in the living room 😂😂😂 I simply replied I wasn't interested as he wanted this!

OP posts:
AGlinnerOfHope · 02/05/2024 18:10

Don’t trust him as far as you can throw him. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
She will waltz in and out of your house, even if she isn’t living there.

TheRainItRaineth · 02/05/2024 18:11

This is such a great update! More power to your elbow!

DoreenonTill8 · 02/05/2024 18:14

AGlinnerOfHope · 02/05/2024 18:10

Don’t trust him as far as you can throw him. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
She will waltz in and out of your house, even if she isn’t living there.

This, they'll sleep somewhere else but spend all day at yours...

lemonyfox · 02/05/2024 18:21

I usually hate reading these kinds of threads because the OP is usually a bit of a wet flannel and doesn't listen to everyone's advice. But this has been a really nice surprise! Well done you OP and best of luck for tomorrow!

cheddercherry · 02/05/2024 18:22

I’d still be sending him off with mummy. If you hadn’t told the letting agent he’d still be (literally) standing there with her in the mess he helped make.

Newestname002 · 02/05/2024 18:27

LittleOwl153 · 02/05/2024 17:57

Just watch she doesn't disappear for 2 days then return for another 2 weeks...

Your DH needs to get a hold of this - not hide behind your letting agent - otherwise the situation has not changed - he still Puts mummy first and always will.

Sorry.

Hope the I auction goes well.

Yes this would be my fear too. I think you're likely to get far better care from your friend in the early days than your 'D'P.

  • Has he really changed that much?
  • Will he be in the birthing room with your friend?

Don't relax too much too soon where he, MIL and her friend are concerned - particularly as you may well be feeling vulnerable after the birth.

Good luck dear OP - hope you have a great birthing experience and your new cherub comes swiftly. 🌹

Catopia · 02/05/2024 18:28

Unexpected hero of a letting agent! Glad DH may have learnt his lesson if he was getting fed up of her, maybe he'll grow a backbone before he next needs to use one.
Good luck with the induction and birth OP.

justasking111 · 02/05/2024 18:33

I had a hero of a nurse that wouldn't let my mum into the hospital baby zone to visit because I said that I didn't want to see her once. I was having induction and was so tired.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/05/2024 18:36

MIl only arrived on Sunday which was the 28th ?

so she's not even been there one week, she still has a whole week and a weekend that she can stay until her fortnight is up...

DrJoanAllenby · 02/05/2024 18:37

No doubt you're a better person than I am but I would absolutely stick the knife in if you allow her to meet the baby and mention loudly that it must feel bittersweet seeing her grandchild after abandoning her son as an infant.

RampantIvy · 02/05/2024 18:38

@Babycatsmummy that has to be the most satisfying update I have ever seen on here.

Good luck for tomorrow 💐

Babycatsmummy · 02/05/2024 18:40

He's quite a pussycat when it comes to following contracts etc so I do believe she will be gone by the weekend. She has plenty of family in the area with much more appropriate spacial arrangements ( half of these family/friends have probably already been over to the flat by now).
As for her turning up.... this probably will happen, I have no doubt. However, when I go to the hospital tomorrow DP will be there as I've told him I need a chat with him with my midwife present. He isn't aware just how many rights I have because we aren't married so I plan on presenting him with a list of bullet points I've put together about my rights, his rights and my expectations of him during his paternity leave. This includes his mother not coming over for at least a week after the baby is born ( the same will be applicable to my family and they are aware and fully respect what I'm asking). If this is broken at any point then I'm gone, just like I have been this week because I'm putting myself l, the baby and my mental health first!

OP posts:
Babycatsmummy · 02/05/2024 18:41

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/05/2024 18:36

MIl only arrived on Sunday which was the 28th ?

so she's not even been there one week, she still has a whole week and a weekend that she can stay until her fortnight is up...

True however it's my home! She doesn't have to know that she's got a two week limit, especially since I'm being induced and when he comes, I'd quite like to be back in my own bed etc

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/05/2024 18:44

ah so he's not told her about the 2 week issue ?

alrightluv · 02/05/2024 18:56

Really hope this is the kick up the bum dp needs?

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 02/05/2024 19:15

@Babycatsmummy reading your updates has been brilliant well done for staying strong and taking control your partner is now indeed reaping what he sowed. I'd let him stew longer if I were you he doesn't sound as if he's learned a thing from this I wouldn't be surprised if he's pissed off you left him to deal with it even though its of his own making. Its so refreshing to have an OP who has taken control and not compromised their boundaries. Good luck tomorrow OP make sure you tell the midwives MIL is not to be let in until you say and if DP tries to sneak her in make sure they know to tell her to leave.

Buffs · 02/05/2024 19:23

Loved your update, keep us posted!

whynotwhatknot · 02/05/2024 21:13

i think youre letting p off the hook a bit

its him tthat invited an let her stay over against your wishes why would anything change now

he shhould have kiked her out when you aske not an when a letting agent said to

Babycatsmummy · 02/05/2024 21:31

whynotwhatknot · 02/05/2024 21:13

i think youre letting p off the hook a bit

its him tthat invited an let her stay over against your wishes why would anything change now

he shhould have kiked her out when you aske not an when a letting agent said to

I think I've done pretty well considering the situation. I wasn't going to stress myself out getting into arguments with him about it. I'm literally about to give birth, I don't need the stress and I've had a lovely relaxing week away!

Yes it has bought to light some things that definitely need to change. However, I'm not a total bitch and I wouldn't go out of my way to make sure my DP misses the birth of his first child. This is my choice and tomorrow the law will be laid down in my terms. He knows I'm not bluffing when I say I'll go.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 02/05/2024 21:43

All the best for the birth of your baby. You are so strong to stand up for your baby and yourself against your dp and mil and the mil friend. Ask your dp to open the windows of your place to get fresh air in. Tell him to have the place spotless with your belongings back in place. Keep your boundaries against the mil.

Codlingmoths · 02/05/2024 22:07

I can’t believe the nerve of him to be moaning to you about things his mum is doing in the flat. Like you’re a team. Instead of he’s a spineless wanker who won’t prioritise you.

T1Dmama · 02/05/2024 23:17

Babycatsmummy · 02/05/2024 21:31

I think I've done pretty well considering the situation. I wasn't going to stress myself out getting into arguments with him about it. I'm literally about to give birth, I don't need the stress and I've had a lovely relaxing week away!

Yes it has bought to light some things that definitely need to change. However, I'm not a total bitch and I wouldn't go out of my way to make sure my DP misses the birth of his first child. This is my choice and tomorrow the law will be laid down in my terms. He knows I'm not bluffing when I say I'll go.

Good luck for tomorrow… I hope you go into natural labour tonight @Babycatsmummy .. I really do hope MIL now respects your wishes and let’s you rest, I hope your DP pulls his big boy pants up and steps up for you and your son xx

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