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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL coming to stay with added extra

567 replies

Babycatsmummy · 26/04/2024 19:12

I'm heavily pregnant with my first baby and always knew that my MIL would be coming from Italy to stay with DP and I. We've had many arguments about when that time would be.... he is very traditional and wanted his mum here for when the baby arrives, but I wanted her to come after his paternity leave so we could get used to the huge change in our lives and bond with our baby.
In the end i felt like I really didn't have a say, tickets were booked and she's arriving imminently.

I called her to ask if she needed me to get her anything as I was going shopping and she dropped the bombshell her best friend is coming back with her and staying for a few days, she will share the guest room with her. I was taken aback a little as obviously, at the moment my emotions are all over the place and I'm spending the majority of my time walking around in my big nanna knickers and vest tops as pretty much just resting as it's all I want to do. The thought of added guest, someone I hardly know and having to look after them as well has really upset me.

I asked my DP if he was aware and he said he wasn't, but what is the issue? She's a very close family friend so his mum shouldn't have to ask. I pointed out it's respectful and courteous- this isn't her home it's ours and I could go into labour at any point now. The best friend has her own family in the area she could stay with so I asked him if he could just politely ask his mum to see if the best friend could stay with them and he's refused.

I feel really upset and a little put out that DP isn't seeing things from my perspective and is siding with his mum. He's told me I'm not being fair!

Am I being unreasonable to asks he stays somewhere else?

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 30/04/2024 10:28

Even if this bizarre behaviour was a cultural norm for some people, it's definitely not a cultural norm for the OP, and why do her wants/needs get overlooked, particularly when she's about to give birth?

However I've heard of many overbearing English MILs, I don't think it's confined to the Italians ....

Nanaof1 · 30/04/2024 11:31

@Babycatsmummy I am so happy that you were able to leave and go someplace where it won't be stressful, and you end up being overworked and way underappreciated. Relax, ignore your DP whines and wants and you and your birthing partner enjoy setting up your life there, if only for a while. I'm glad you saw your NVDP for the kind of person he is and please do not put him on the birth certificate, get the passport asap after your wee one arrives and keep standing up for yourself and your precious baby. He, his mother and her friends can all go pound salt!

Please let us know how you are doing when you can and let us know when you give birth. We are all here to handhold, support you and have your back.

Stay strong, little mama, and don't give in to the Italian Bully Brigade! You've got this!💖

KidsandKindness · 30/04/2024 11:47

OP I owe you one MASSIVE apology!! When I posted earlier in the thread I genuinely thought you were a doormat who was just posting purely for sympathy, but wouldn't even consider doing what people suggested, but you have proved me completely and utterly WRONG, which has pleased me no end!

You have really shown tremendous courage in leaving your own home at this point, and I am so pleased that you had someone who obviously prioritises your needs even though you don't appear to be related to them.

After all the nonsense about her cleaning YOUR PRIVATE bedroom space in your absence, and then having the utter cheek to arrange a party for her friends in YOUR home, when you're not there, I wouldn't be having anything further to do with her OR YOUR PARTNER! He's not good enough to wipe your boots, let alone be a father to your child. He's proved himself to be a mummy's boy, gutless, and totally disrespectful of the woman and unborn child which he's supposed to love. As other's have said, in your shoes, I wouldn't be inviting him to the birth, he simply DOESN'T deserve to be there, and you know that if you do, he'll turn up with HER onboard which is a stress you don't need during labour, that's for sure. Also, please don't give your child his surname, if he hasn't married you before the birth, he doesn't deserve that privilege either, in fact, I wouldn't even name him on the birth certificate.

Though I hate to say it, you now need to be preparing for the arrival of your beautiful baby, and then taking care of him/her alone, as this would be far preferable to living under the constant threat of your partner's mother turning up and taking over not only your home, but your child too.

I wish you all the very best for the delivery, and your future. You're going to be a strong, and wonderful mother, and once again, my sincere apologies for doubting you.

CrotchetyQuaver · 30/04/2024 13:34

Likewise to the above poster, as your further posts unfolded, it became clear that you were dealing with a lot more than I originally thought.

Good luck with everything and thank goodness for your birthing partner friend who was able to take you in

FootieMama · 30/04/2024 17:22

This is not an Italian thing. My DH is Italian. My MIL would never dream of behaving this way. I would move in with your parents and leave them to it

Speakingofdinosaurs · 30/04/2024 20:38

I’m so sorry this is happening at a time when you’re bringing a new little person into the world.
I do think you should explicitly spell it out to your DP that if he doesn’t ask his mother to leave then you can’t see a future with him.
He might be hoping that it will all settle down but I agree with other posters, there will not be any coming back from this if he doesn’t take action now.

Oriunda · 01/05/2024 17:14

It's definitely worth thinking about whether you add his name to the birth certificate.

Italian law considers children born to an Italian to be, themselves, Italian. I once got severely reprimanded by passport control in Milan for not having got my son an Italian ID card. She insisted that as his father was Italian, so was he, and he therefore needed Italian ID. We've now sorted this!

If baby's father is on the BC, there is nothing to stop him getting baby registered with AIRE and having an ID card issued. On the other hand, at some point on the future your child might thank you for the gift of EU citizenship.

mucky123 · 01/05/2024 18:16

How is it going OP? You are my personal hero and have been very brave. Do come back and update us if you are not mid-labour.

Soosi · 01/05/2024 22:33

Op. Please post an update when possible. Would love to hear your doing o.k

booktokbear · 02/05/2024 14:45

Hope you're ok op, have been checking back and hoping you're alright.

QueenBitch666 · 02/05/2024 17:05

Move out. Get your ducks in a row. LTB. Your 'd'h is vile

QueenBitch666 · 02/05/2024 17:17

Just read the update. You're amazing! Good luck with your birth Flowers

Babycatsmummy · 02/05/2024 17:49

Hello lovelies!

I had a bit of unexpected good news today.

I had a call from my letting agent as I was expecting a plumber over to replace some taps. Explained I wasn't actually there at the moment however my MIL was. I have a good relationship with my letting agent and she knew my views before the MIL anyway. She informed me that it is actually against the terms of our letting agreement to have someone stay more than 2 weeks.

She sent DP an email explaining this 🙈🫢 so MIL has been given her eviction notice for the weekend which is brilliant for me as I'm due to be induced tomorrow!

I may be evil cackling right now. As much as I love my birthing partner there really is no place like home.

I've told DP he can follow his mummy to her new place of residence if he feels that hard done by but judging by the texts I'm receiving from him, I think he's had enough 🫢

OP posts:
Youtwodeserveoneanother · 02/05/2024 17:52

Babycatsmummy · 02/05/2024 17:49

Hello lovelies!

I had a bit of unexpected good news today.

I had a call from my letting agent as I was expecting a plumber over to replace some taps. Explained I wasn't actually there at the moment however my MIL was. I have a good relationship with my letting agent and she knew my views before the MIL anyway. She informed me that it is actually against the terms of our letting agreement to have someone stay more than 2 weeks.

She sent DP an email explaining this 🙈🫢 so MIL has been given her eviction notice for the weekend which is brilliant for me as I'm due to be induced tomorrow!

I may be evil cackling right now. As much as I love my birthing partner there really is no place like home.

I've told DP he can follow his mummy to her new place of residence if he feels that hard done by but judging by the texts I'm receiving from him, I think he's had enough 🫢

Whoop whoop. If I had the energy I’d do a victory dance for you! Hope you go back to a spotless flat with lovely food on the fridge. Good luck with the birth. Kept us posted! 💐

WickedSerious · 02/05/2024 17:53

Excellent news.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 02/05/2024 17:55

Wonderful news! Well done!

justasking111 · 02/05/2024 17:56

Let's hope he doesn't weaken in the future.

You've some serious talking to do going forward.

Thursdaygirl · 02/05/2024 17:56

Fantastic news OP and I’d like to buy your letting agent a drink!

LittleOwl153 · 02/05/2024 17:57

Just watch she doesn't disappear for 2 days then return for another 2 weeks...

Your DH needs to get a hold of this - not hide behind your letting agent - otherwise the situation has not changed - he still Puts mummy first and always will.

Sorry.

Hope the I auction goes well.

justasking111 · 02/05/2024 17:59

OH you're being induced tomorrow, exciting news. Best of luck @Babycatsmummy

LemonyFace · 02/05/2024 17:59

Best of Luck with the induction, not long now till you and baby are wrapped up in a little bundle 👶
I wouldn't give in to your DP just because MiL is leaving, he needs to acknowledge his role on this mess.

Thursdaygirl · 02/05/2024 17:59

I've told DP he can follow his mummy to her new place of residence if he feels that hard done by but judging by the texts I'm receiving from him, I think he's had enough 🫢

Do share OP, what’s been going on with DP and his delightful mother???

MelonSmoothie · 02/05/2024 17:59

What impeccable timing!! Amazing!

Silvers11 · 02/05/2024 18:03

Great news OP - but just be careful that when you have had the baby, she doesn't decide to pop in all day, every day for the foreseeable from wherever she is staying!! Your OH still needs to learn to say 'no' to her, or nothing will ultimately change

All the best for the induction tomorrow and welcoming your new baby into the world

Fortunefavoursthebrave · 02/05/2024 18:04

Brilliant news OP! Good luck for the induction hope all goes well

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