Husband walking into the house still on work call

[Barktip]

DH works long hours, has an hour + drive commute and always has work on the brain.
something that has been riling me is that he will use the commute to make phone calls that he then continues as he walks into the house.
I don’t know why it winds me up so much-it just seems rude to me and the kids
He will say that the alternative is sitting on the drive to finish the call which is marginally better but really I want him to acknowledge that what can’t fit into a 12 hour working day should probably be left for another time and that he needs a division between work and home.
(predictive typing just suggested divorce instead of division which might be quite appropriate!)
what should I say to him (if anything?)

As you’ve said in your updates I think this is more about your issue with his hours and focus on work in general.

Does his job pay a lot? Do you rely on that money as a family?

If it doesn’t pay that much or if it does but you don’t actually need his earnings to be that high, then I understand your frustration - he is choosing more work time over more time with his family. These calls are not unreasonable in themselves but they are just a little reminder of his priority always being work.

@Winningatpatriachychicken honestly bore off with your links!

I don't think people are interested, it's legal and it's allowed.

Your views are not required.

@Behindthescenesnow after an hours drive home and 12 hours shift? Then the extra time added on top for these calls when coming through the door..please tell me where he has any chance of fitting anything in for his children other than potentially a reading book. OP has already stated hes stressed, it's not hard to say 'ok il, catch up with this tomorrow with you as I'm home now' maybe his children would like to say hello to him when walking through the door? To tell him about there day. Hes already had AN HOUR to make these calls on the phone? After a 13hr work day (including the calls in the car) there really shouldn't be any need to carry on further.

Sometimes family should take priority? Especially your children. If the job doesn't work around your family then theres a need to look for another one IMO, OP has a right to feel the way she does and tbh considering she works aswell it sounds extremely lonely for her.

Of course, every job is different, but my dh is in a senior position in finance, high earner and high pressure. He manages it, and I think setting a standard of respecting colleagues' boundaries around family time is important when you're at that level. As you say, not always possible, but worth a conversation at the very least.

This article gives a really lay person friendly account of why handsfree is equally dangerous as a handset and more dangerous than talking to a passenger.

www.lv.com/car-insurance/do-hands-free-phones-dangerously-distract-drivers

@Behindthescenesnow

I'm sorry if science bores you.

Thanks to people who ‘get it’ and to those who’ve given me the alternative view.
I’ll try to let it go whilst taking some time to unpick it.
to clear up a few questions
-he comes home anytime from 6-10. Usually around 8 so after kids bedtime anyway.
-does take other calls/do other work throughout the evening and at weekends. And on holiday
-Yes he earns good money. I’ve said frequently when he is tired and stressed that we could manage with less but he doesn’t want to change jobs (and to be fair there isn’t much on ‘a bit less’ with fewer hours).
-he’s not Rishi Sunak
-he’s not an arsehole. He does try to work hard and be present at home but workaholic nature comes through regardless. I just think making this division would help with his stress levels as much as mine.
-I’m not expecting to be lavished with attention. A ‘hello’ to me and kids.

My experience of properly senior level is different to yours then.

No you bore me

🤦‍♀️

One person's good money is 50k another could be 200k.

No they can't. Surely your imagination is up to conceiving that you could be trying to hang on to an upset customer, trying to win some important business, desperately relieved that you finally managed to get hold of that person you've been ringing all day, trying to sort a problem that means payroll will go through tomorrow, trying to sort a problem that might mean your IT won't be functional tomorrow if you don't, doing that thing you promised you'd do three days ago but forgot all about until now. There's a million reasons to be on a call and none of them are 'pretending I'm important' or being an 'asshole'.

All the time.

I think lots of posters are just enjoying criticising a man.

If the sexes were reversed the thread would be a lot shorter.

Exactly this. The OP seems to think her husband's job can neatly fit into hours of his choosing and he can ringfence all hours outside that. The suggestion that if he hasn't finished what he wanted to in the day, he should just leave it til the next day gives me stress hives just thinking about it. Insisting that work and home should be totally separate is wildly unreasonable.

When you're setting up work meetings and calls, you have to work around multiple other people and often multiple timezones. They don't just happen at your convenience.

If my partner told me to stay in the car on a cold night to finish my work calls before I was allowed in the house I would tell him to fuck all the way off.

Can you IMAGINE a thread entitled "my husband won't let me come into the house until I've finished my work calls"

"Apologies for all the capital letters. I was typing while driving."

I suspect you are just someone who simply cannot entertain that other people might disagree with you and will belligerently keep googling for articles to bolster your argument until they do or they give up. Has anyone ever changed their mind as a result of your links? Have you ever changed your mind because someone posted links for you?

If you try, I think you could move on to maybe responding to OP's question instead of your hyper focus of the day.

Spot on. The more senior you are the more control you have over how you manage work.

Occasional escalations just as you hit the front door are one thing, routinely arriving home then ignoring your family for half an hour is rude and probably bad workload and staff management.

I was the "DH" in terms of paid work, I managed my workload and teams to keep certain times clear for the family. I never arrived home and then ignored the family as a routine practice because they were important to me.

I find this thread fascinating - the immediate assumption that the DH is in a big important job and the OP is "only" a SAHM who must comply with any behaviour from the DH if he claims its work. The OP works full time as well and if DH can't manage his paid work hours will be picking up the home load as well. If he can't manage his workload he may be in a "good" job but I'd bet its middle management which tends to be the holding point for managers who struggle with this.

Do you really think all important phone calls only take place during UK office hours? Can your mind not stretch to other circumstances where that might not be the case?

You don't like people disagreeing with you, that's why you shout.

But OP, if he stayed at the office until all calls are finished, and then drove home for (let’s say) 30 minutes , he would be home and ready to talk to you 30 min later than if he did that last call in the car.

My DH quite often does a call on his journey home and yes that means he sometimes walks through the door mid call, and I have to wait for him to finish. But I don’t mind because this is how he gets home the earliest he can. I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to have to wait outside just so I’m not disappointed that he’s home but not yet free.

I guess if you've never known people with important jobs to be able to manage this then you would have your point of view.

@lemonmeringueno3

You're very rude. This is not my 'hyper focus of the day' - I've been aware of this and educating people for years. Including refusing to speak to my vair vair important clients whilst driving and hanging up on more senior people when they call me from their cars.

Some issues matter more than making others feels comfortable being nice. If my ranting has changed one person's mind than it's worth it.

Lots of things that are dangerous are also legal. For example smoking. The government walks a lie between actual safety and pissing off voters. Society would look very different if our government wrote legislation purely based on scientific evidence. That's why people like the OP's husband need to take responsibility for their safety and others and make their calls when they get home.

Mumsnet is a funny place. Losing its mind over tiny risks like exact correct food hygiene but wholly unconcerned with safety risks that can and do kill people. I guess that's because many people prioritize personal convenience over other's safety.

No you are very rude, especially using the capitals and constant droning on!

People are not interested in your narrative.

Why have you got your phone connected to your car? To enable you to hang up on people?

Odd!