Page 12 | Husband walking into the house still on work call

Barktip · 2024-04-26T17:53:22+00:00

DH works long hours, has an hour + drive commute and always has work on the brain. something that has been riling me is that he will use the commute to make phone calls that he then continues as he walks into the house. I don’t know why it winds me up so much-it just seems rude to me and the kids He will say that the alternative is sitting on the drive to finish the call which is marginally better but really I want him to acknowledge that what can’t fit into a 12 hour working day should probably be left for another time and that he needs a division between work and home. (predictive typing just suggested divorce instead of division which might be quite appropriate!) what should I say to him (if anything?)

lemonmeringueno3 · 29/04/2024 05:44

SabreIsMyFave · 28/04/2024 23:13

@Superlambaanana

@lemonmeringueno3 "... you could be trying to hang on to an upset customer, trying to win some important business, desperately relieved that you finally managed to get hold of that person you've been ringing all day, trying to sort a problem that means payroll will go through tomorrow, trying to sort a problem that might mean your IT won't be functional tomorrow if you don't, doing that thing you promised you'd do three days ago but forgot all about until now..."

What, every night just coincidentally at the same time as you're pulling into your driveway? Jesus the smell of bullshit here is nearly knocking me out. Once in a while it is of course reasonable that a call can't be ended, but the OP is not on about this happening once. It's every evening.

I know people like this. These people arrive fucking everywhere 'on the phone'. They arrive at their next meeting on the phone, arrive at restaurants on the phone, arrive at the gym on the phone. It is performative cock swinging "look how important I am - I am needed constantly on the phone".

Get over yourself. Plan your calls and politely bring them to an end and few miles before home. Wind down and greet your spouse and children like an adult. Then pick up the mantle of ruling the world again after you've had your effing dinner.

Exactly this ^ @lemonmeringueno3 Excellent post! No-one needs to be on the fucking phone ALL the time, and every night when they have just got in from work - for an HOUR. Such bullshit. They CHOOSE to be. As you say, it's so they can look oh so terribly important. 🙄 These are the same tw@ts who don't bother responding to messages from friends and family, because they are 'too busy.' LMFAO! 😆 CBA more like.

Edited

Well op said 5 mins or up to half an hour. Not an hour.

lemonmeringueno3 · 29/04/2024 05:46

PegasusReturns · 28/04/2024 23:23

@lemonmeringueno3

So I'll stick with what works for us and let op decide what works for her.

well that’s exactly the point isnt it?! OP has decided it’s rude and then gets 200 posts telling her she’s “pathetic”, “controlling”, “ridiculous” and telling her to “cut him some slack” or “smile”.

Intermingled with dozens of posts by women stating how important their DHs are and implying that none of the women posters (OP included who has already said she works FT!) could possibly understand how big, important, manly jobs work.

I mean really FFS?! It’s so misogynistic and sexist.

I guess some pp do have partners who have jobs that are more senior or pay more than they have themselves. That seemed to be the case for op. Also some posters who are women and say that they are sometimes on the phone when they arrive home.

lemonmeringueno3 · 29/04/2024 05:48

Tagyoureit · 29/04/2024 00:15

Lol!!

Typical mumsnet post.

OP stating something that is clearly twat behaviour by a man! Skip to page 11 of comments and it's turned in to a bun fight!

If you're on an "important work call" why would you walk in to what could be a busy environment with all manner of household crap going on (from hoovering, kids crying/screaming/tv/radio/opera rehearsal, etc) and expect quiet/privacy when you walked away from that in the car????

That's disrespectful to the home and very disrespectful to the person on that call!!

Surely, in the evening whilst at home in the kitchen, and you answer a work call, do you then expect everyone to shut up or do you leave the room? Surely, it's leave the room because you're problem, not the people already in the room!!

Edited

Did op say he walked in expecting quiet then?

Superlambaanana · 29/04/2024 06:24

PegasusReturns · 28/04/2024 23:23

@lemonmeringueno3

So I'll stick with what works for us and let op decide what works for her.

well that’s exactly the point isnt it?! OP has decided it’s rude and then gets 200 posts telling her she’s “pathetic”, “controlling”, “ridiculous” and telling her to “cut him some slack” or “smile”.

Intermingled with dozens of posts by women stating how important their DHs are and implying that none of the women posters (OP included who has already said she works FT!) could possibly understand how big, important, manly jobs work.

I mean really FFS?! It’s so misogynistic and sexist.

Well said! The PPs justifying this behaviour have either missed the point (thinking OP is complaining about her DH working at home - she isn't- it's about him arriving in the door on the phone) or are culprits themselves.

Terribly important people who take themselves too seriously will never admit that their jobs are actually pointless in the grand scheme of things and are usually incredibly insecure in their own sense of self.

Superlambaanana · 29/04/2024 06:27

IvorTheEngineDriver · 28/04/2024 23:31

It's his house too. If he wants to make work calls from his own home why on earth shouldn't he?

YABVU.

Does being co-owner of a house make it ok to be rude to the other occupants? Thats what the OP is talking about. Not work calls at home per se, but being on the phone as he arrives home rather than having the decency to greet his family and show them some priority and respect for a few minutes.

wompwomp · 29/04/2024 06:54

Superlambaanana · 28/04/2024 08:39

@ladykale who the f carries on a conference call in the car on the commute home and then continues it as they leave the car and walk into their house?! This is getting ridiculous now! Stay at work to finish important meetings!

You seem to have limited concept of how some jobs are.
Why do you think some jobs pay half a million or more. You don't get that without selling your soul.
If you enjoy the trappings then you have to enjoy the sacrifices

Superlambaanana · 29/04/2024 18:35

@wompwomp you're late to the party. We've already discussed that the sort of people who do this are not, in fact, generally the top earners, but rather self-obsessed middle management level assholes who are desperate to appear more important than they actually are. Genuine top earning leaders do not behave like this.

Behindthescenesnow · 29/04/2024 18:40

Superlambaanana · 29/04/2024 18:35

@wompwomp you're late to the party. We've already discussed that the sort of people who do this are not, in fact, generally the top earners, but rather self-obsessed middle management level assholes who are desperate to appear more important than they actually are. Genuine top earning leaders do not behave like this.

You know them all personally to have this information?

wompwomp · 29/04/2024 18:56

Superlambaanana · 29/04/2024 18:35

@wompwomp you're late to the party. We've already discussed that the sort of people who do this are not, in fact, generally the top earners, but rather self-obsessed middle management level assholes who are desperate to appear more important than they actually are. Genuine top earning leaders do not behave like this.

You've missed the point. YOU may have decided this but that doesn't make it correct. I can assure you from personal experience that top earners often do indeed have very unsociable hours to deal with.
I guess it depends what you consider a high earner.
Put it this way, investment banks and law firms don't pay £1m+ for finishing at 5:30

Superlambaanana · 29/04/2024 22:29

@wompwomp the issue is not working late. The issue is being on the phone while walking in the door of the family home. Every night. This smacks of self obsessed behaviour by someone who does not value his wife or family. He should end the call, greet his family and return to work later if needs be.

PegasusReturns · 29/04/2024 23:16

Why do you think some jobs pay half a million or more. You don't get that without selling your soul

Again more misogynistic bullshit about how women can’t possibly understand what “big jobs” are like. I earn plenty more than this and love and respect my DH and DC enough not to treat them so dismissively.

the very fact that I do sometimes have to work long hours means that when I walk into the house they have my full attention.

I can actually think of only a handful of times when I have had to be on a call when I arrived home and so finished up in the car before going inside. I simply don’t believe that this is a necessary routine feature which couldn’t be mitigated through proper planning.

grinandslothit · 30/04/2024 03:58

Like you would know.

Superlambaanana · 30/04/2024 06:19

grinandslothit · 30/04/2024 03:58

Like you would know.

Martha, is that you?

Sen frm my iPhon

usernother · 30/04/2024 07:28

If any poor person was instructed by their OH to stay at work until all work for that day was finished (despite already working 12 hours) so they dealing with calls on the way home, their would be threads moaning about their long working hours.

gannett · 30/04/2024 08:20

Superlambaanana · 29/04/2024 18:35

@wompwomp you're late to the party. We've already discussed that the sort of people who do this are not, in fact, generally the top earners, but rather self-obsessed middle management level assholes who are desperate to appear more important than they actually are. Genuine top earning leaders do not behave like this.

It's not about how much you earn, it's about what your job is. Yes, some top-earning CEOs get to delegate everything and ringfence their time. On the other hand if you're self-employed or freelance then your job is to be available when your clients want you to be.

I'm neither a CEO nor self-employed but I am frequently on work calls in the evening because I work with people in multiple time zones, and at the weekend because the nature of my job involves things that happen at weekends. DP doesn't get a say in whether I'm "allowed" to take these calls or not.

Superlambaanana · 30/04/2024 09:06

@gannett if you are in the middle of a conversation with your DP - or anyone really, and your phone rings, do you answer it? If you're on the toilet and your phone rings, do you answer it?

PegasusReturns · 30/04/2024 11:40

I'm neither a CEO nor self-employed

thank goodness because you seem to be lacking in comprehension skills. Posters are not complaining about DHs working long hours/“out” of hours.

They’re talking about the very specific rudeness of someone not being able to organise themselves in such a way that they’re not on their phone when they walk through their front door.

If you wouldn’t turn up at a friends door whilst still on the phone, why do you think it’s ok to do the same to your partner and worse your DC? And if you would turn up at a friends door whilst still on the phone, it’s frankly surprising you have any!

Missamyp · 30/04/2024 11:49

Superlambaanana · 30/04/2024 09:06

@gannett if you are in the middle of a conversation with your DP - or anyone really, and your phone rings, do you answer it? If you're on the toilet and your phone rings, do you answer it?

Dp runs a business.
Yes he answers it on all occasions. Sometimes he misses events, socialising and even funerals.

gannett · 30/04/2024 12:14

PegasusReturns · 30/04/2024 11:40

I'm neither a CEO nor self-employed

thank goodness because you seem to be lacking in comprehension skills. Posters are not complaining about DHs working long hours/“out” of hours.

They’re talking about the very specific rudeness of someone not being able to organise themselves in such a way that they’re not on their phone when they walk through their front door.

If you wouldn’t turn up at a friends door whilst still on the phone, why do you think it’s ok to do the same to your partner and worse your DC? And if you would turn up at a friends door whilst still on the phone, it’s frankly surprising you have any!

It isn't rude to come home and not be immediately available to everyone who happens to be at home. Are you expecting some sort of "hi honey I'm home!" old-fashioned movie scenario? When I come home what I need is half an hour to decompress by myself and not talk to anyone.

You get to turn up at your own door on the phone because it's your house and you get to continue whatever calls you wish to in your own house in a way that you wouldn't when visiting a friend. It is much ruder to expect anyone arriving at their own house to immediately be available for your entertainment.

gannett · 30/04/2024 12:16

Superlambaanana · 30/04/2024 09:06

@gannett if you are in the middle of a conversation with your DP - or anyone really, and your phone rings, do you answer it? If you're on the toilet and your phone rings, do you answer it?

These are not remotely similar scenarios but I tend not to take my phone into the toilet (or if I do it's on silent and I wouldn't know if it rings). If it rings while I'm talking to DP, I would answer it if it's something that seems important, and not if it isn't. He does't get offended. I wouldn't get offended if he answered an important call mid-conversation with me.

Resilience · 30/04/2024 12:57

I'm going to get splinters in my arse on this one as I can really see both sides and I don't think anyone is being unreasonable really. It's just a matter of understanding how your actions are perceived by others and having the communication skills to deal with a mismatch.

I'm closer to the DH in this scenario. I often work on the weekend and in the evenings. DH works full time but no more. When he's off, he's off. I am incredibly lucky that he picks up the slack with cooking, shopping and arranging our social life. I'd be devastated if he felt that I was taking him for granted and being disrespectful by working on weekends. So I tell him regularly how much I appreciate him and try not to take the piss. I make up for it in other ways. I'm what might be considered the project manager of our lives.

On the odd occasion where he's pushed back it feels extremely irritating to me and it's added stress on top of a situation that is already stressful enough that it's necessitating me working from home. I feel he doesn't understand the pressures of my job and I just want some solidarity. It makes me feel misunderstood and undervalued. I imagine that's what your DH feels.

However, my DH feels I'm prioritising work over family and that I choose to do this rather than having no choice. That makes him feel undervalued and not really 'seen' as a person.

I've had to take a long hard look at what I do and accept that a proportion of what I do is a consequence of my own high standards and workaholic tendencies not a real demand of the job. Yes, some things really are that important and the pressure is real. Other things not so much and the pressure is of my own making. I'm still not perfect at telling the difference but a lot better. Ultimately I love my family way more than my job and that's my motivation to keep working at it. Consequently, when I do work my DH is more likely to be sympathetic and bring me a cuppa at my desk.

The one thing that really helps for us is respect and communication. First off, despite the salary difference (I outearn DH although it hasn't always been that way) neither one of us considers our job more important than the other. We both recognise that we've built a life that is mutually dependent on each other's contribution to work well. We approach our family as a team, kids included, with everyone needing to pull their weight. We also try to eat together as a family most nights and schedule family activities to ensure work doesn't get in the way.

We also talk. A lot. I try to pre-warn DH as much as possible if I'm going to be late/working that evening etc.

I think if the phone calls are a flash point, if I was your DH I would sit on the drive until complete or wait until I'm home, said hello and then make the call so you have my full attention when I come through the door. It doesn't take a genius to see how barely being acknowledged is likely to make someone feel diminished.

Superlambaanana · 30/04/2024 18:48

PegasusReturns · 30/04/2024 11:40

I'm neither a CEO nor self-employed

thank goodness because you seem to be lacking in comprehension skills. Posters are not complaining about DHs working long hours/“out” of hours.

They’re talking about the very specific rudeness of someone not being able to organise themselves in such a way that they’re not on their phone when they walk through their front door.

If you wouldn’t turn up at a friends door whilst still on the phone, why do you think it’s ok to do the same to your partner and worse your DC? And if you would turn up at a friends door whilst still on the phone, it’s frankly surprising you have any!

Yes!! this is it exactly. Thanks @PegasusReturns.

No one would ever turn up at a friend's front door and walk in on the phone! That's a perfect analogy. If people can manage not to be on the phone arriving at a friends house, they can manage not to be on the phone while arriving at their family home. And show their DP and DCs the same level of respect they show friends.

All the people saying that there are phone calls that have to be taken regardless of the situation are nuts. Yes, SOME calls are unavoidable, but not EVERY call. And it would be unbelievably coincidental if OP's DP always has an 'unavoidable' call every evening just as he arrived home.

As for posters like @Resilience - such a long reply and yet like so many others, you have completely missed the point! This is not about late: out of hours working!!