Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

I'm sorry to hear your bad news @notedbiscuits

I used to know a woman like this. (She came to my mum's cousin's funeral 20-ish years ago - despite not even seeing her or speaking to her for over a decade.) After the funeral, she said to me and my mum 'she's better off out of it. This world is a cruel place. She's better off dead.' We were like !!! Mum's cousin was just was 51!

Bloody stupid thoughtless bint. We turned away from her and ignored her. But yeah, some people are fucking weirdos. Turning up to funerals of people they don't know, or have had fuck-all to do with for a decade or more.

For this reason I am having a Direct Cremation. (So is DH.) Don't want arsehole ghouls, and fake mourners pretending they care.

And you did nothing wrong in telling her to not come to birthday parties and big celebrations, if she is not even acknowledging the people celebrating. Why is she even there? Is she actually being invited? And not inviting her is not 'bullying' as a pp suggested! What a silly thing to say. This woman sounds awful!

You don't seem like a particularly nice person.

Oh no another creeper. Like in the Victorian era when you could hire professional mourners.

Bin the card and don't contact her.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Reminds me of this:

I see you have shredded it. And do not respond. Is probably the best reply.

Probably a person who has a stock of phrases to write in cards.
Reading through death notices is something I remember from my 60s childhood.
I’d ignore it.

You’re splitting hairs between a racist attitude and being racist? Is there actually a distinction?

I initially thought this person was nasty, but after reading the updates think she is more clumsy and lacks social skills.

YABU , nothing wrong with the comment at all .

Still have no idea how she got hold of the information. Relative died 80 miles away and his death was not mentioned in the local rag. Which can access online. This woman doesn’t go online independently as a complete technophobe.

Shes an old lady with her heart in the right place ffs.
YABU and extremely ungrateful

Some people seem to like going to funerals, used to work with a woman that went to one every week for some passing acquaintance or other.
Im not sure if it’s a generational thing, although my mums in the same age bracket 70’s and doesn’t do it, so who knows ? She was quite nosy and gossipy, so maybe just wanted to the gossip.

They can. But it doesn’t mean they should, or that it’s considered normal.

It would be far ruder still to hump the coffin and curl out a turd on the buffet.

And? 🤷🏻

There is another option – pay your condolences, stay as long as appropriate and then quietly leave, as is normal

I get that some people might feel too awkward about going and briefly introducing themselves, but I do think in most cases it will be appreciated

I’m sorry none of it sounds all that inappropriate to me. Some older people do get rather “ into” funerals - a bit like we all go through 21sts then weddings phases. She sounds a bit lonely but not sure if she’s wanted ( and she’d be right…). The dire inappropriateness of the words was also lost on me- not what I’d write but …🤷🏻‍♀️ Do you think she was referring to the “ old wounds”
ov her racist comments you said you got sick of and was trying to make up?

In short, I think you just don’t like her and are in this instance over-reacting, sorry.

You haven't spoken to her in 9 years! You don't know what she's like now.

What other inappropriate things has she written in sympathy cards?

But it is normal…

There are some very weird people out there, after DH’s (lovely) mother died he received a card from someone he’d known for 25 years which opened with “I’m not sorry xxx is dead” and went on for the next 3 pages destroying her character.

He was so upset he didn’t tell me for a few months. I am still absolutely livid about it.

My Christ that's weird. Ignore, they're not worth your time. Sorry for your loss.

This is freaking me out. That's my name and I don't have an Iphone. I do have tons of empathy and am not weird though.

That’s just a cliche, though, isn’t it? Not great but not inappropriate I would have thought.

If in a church anyone can come to a funeral service (and wedding too for that matter). For some people it’s the only outings they get.

I think it is pretty commonplace for elderly people to send sympathy cards to families they have not spoken with for decades. Often this is a welcome thing, depends on what she wrote on the card. I do know though that elderly relatives are often pleased to receive a card from so and so they haven't spoken to for 40 years on the death of a relative.

Surely she meant that time makes grief easier with "time heals old wounds"? I would have take this as a nice comment.

It doesn't seem that offensive but appreciate we are all different.

Total over reaction, and tend to agree with those upthread who say maybe your dislike of her means that anything she said or did would get the same reaction from you.