Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

Yeah, but it was malicious, obviously

Yet not enough time to actually read the OPs posts

You haven't spent enough time on Mumsnet if you haven't learned to at least read an OP's follow-up posts before replying!

Not enough time to read the OP's posts but enough time to send her a link to the Malicious Communications Act 1988 and encourage her to contact the police.

You've not spoken to her in 9 years yet you know for sure she doesn't have any SM accounts?

Strewth.

Please, please ignore it. It’s a desperate attempt at hoovering imo and you ignoring it will deprive her of the attention she’s desperate for. These people feed on other peoples emotional reactions (good or bad) to their behaviour, it’s like petrol for them. Starve her by ignoring her.

You've psychoanalysed that from the OP telling you her old friend sent a condolence card?

Yeah, that’s what happened there. Pick on someone else for your Friday night argument.

Did you post about your bereavement on social media on a public setting? Your profile photo and any comments it attracts are always set to public even if your timeline is not. If that's a possibility then:

a) i would not make assumptions that she is incapable of working out how to use social media when you've had nothing to do with her for nine years

b) if you don't want people finding out about your private business then keep it private. Don't post and don't post it where it can be seen by anyone on SM who cares to search for you.

How do you know so much about the habits and abilities of someone you have not spoken to for years? Plenty of people in their seventies learn to use the internet. It isn't exactly difficult.

But.. it does. Time heals. I'm not sure why you think it's such an awful thing to say?

Eh?

That's not an inappropriate comment (although is the phrase not "all wounds", as opposed to "old wounds"?)

Either way, there's nothing inappropriate about it.

You just don't like her.

Just put the card in the bin and move on.

There’s no way this woman is raking through newspapers and the like in case someone she used to know has a bereavement.

Nor is she just happening to find out there’s parties and turning up when no one wants her.

Someone is communicating with her. Someone likes and talks to her And she is going out of her way to send a card with a fairly standard, non offensive sentiment in it.

Who exactly are you and the other colleagues, to ban her from attending parties for ex colleagues? Why would you get a say in whether she attends or not?

You don’t like her. But that’s obviously not the case for everyone. Sending cards isn’t inappropriate m. What she has written isn’t inappropriate. Attending a funeral, standing at the back isn’t an inherently bad thing. The issue here is with you and your reaction.

Is she Irish. Irish people go to a lot of funerals and acknowledge them too by sending cards. Especially the older ones.

I don't think what she wrote was inappropriate either. IME time does heal the wound, the scar will always be there but the initial grief and pain does pass.

Because if you know what grief feels like you know that people letting you know they get it and are thinking of you helps and the natural instinct is to help. I think this lady just wants to show her support but is a bit socially awkward.

The card is now shredded.

That's a pretty extreme reaction TBF. It's like you absolutely hate her guts for some reason. The fact that you know (or at least think you do) after 9 years of not seeing her or speaking to her, that she's not on SM tells me you have some sort of obession with her and go out of your way to find out what she's up to.

Have you searched high and low on SM and come to the conclusion that she's not on there?

The message in the card was a bit trite, but not offensive. People always think they have to say something profound, but frankly, anything more than 'sorry for your loss' is a risk. Someone will always find a reason to be offended by anything else.

This is why people cross the road to avoid someone recently bereaved. They don't know what to say and are terrified of saying the wrong thing. It's a minefield.

It did seem like a slight overreaction!

I can assure you as someone who does funerals in church... you CANNOT ban someone from a church

Your post was quite ridiculous 🤷🏻‍♀️

Time Does heal

No, but you can hold it at a random time of day and only tell the people you've invited when it's going to be.

But why?

Funerals are supposed to be to give people a chance to mourn and celebrate the life of the person who has died, and to show support for the people most closely affected.

Unless the person who died expressly asked for it to be private or there are issues within the family, why would you want to keep people out?

And if someone finds out then they can turn up...

You said it yourself, family issues or a very private deceased. It's not ideal, but it does happen.