Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

She didn't need an invite or she wouldn't have been at these funerals. She sat at the back and didn't cause any trouble. How do you know she wasn't simply paying her respects to people from her past?

I think the message was a bit trite, but how was it inappropriate?

I can't see what is inappropriate about that? I also can't see what is wrong with turning up at funerals if she knows the person who has suffered the loss? It's perfectly normal where I live. You can't control what people write in cards, or who attends a funeral unless it is a private one. A former friend, who I no longer wish to have any contact with whatsoever, sent me a message when my DF died, and in spite of how I feel about her now I still appreciated her thinking of me.

You actually sound as though you don't understand social norms.

Well it's considered normal where I live

You could, if you really wanted to.
That's a completely different scenario to "You can bar whomever you choose from the church, the ushers will help to eject anyone you object to", though.

Of course it is. It's normal full stop 😂

Yeah, this has been the most bizarre thread.

Oh no an acquaintance sent me a condolence card and sometimes she goes to funerals and even to parties she's invited to. How terrible of her.

Not denying that, just explaining how unwanted people are kept out in practice.

Strange post . Some people are offended at anything and everything

I found it comforting to get cards from anyone who cared enough to send one when I lost someone.

I'm now second guessing whether it was appropriate that I sent a card to a former friend three months after I heard her husband had died though. We hadn't had contact for several years and the friendship was over, but I still wanted to show I cared about a very painful loss. I didn't want to rekindle the friendship or need a response for them, just wanted to say I was sorry she was going through that.

In Ireland you go to a funeral to support the living even if you do not know the deceased- it’s very common. Older generations do also check obituaries in the papers and on the online deaths website everyone uses.

My grandmother and her best friend used to attend a few funerals a week, my mum has at least one a month and would be almost a decade younger than your ex colleague. She regularly drives across the country for funerals of people she hasn’t met because they are related to an old colleague or friend. It’s seen as respectful but also shows the grieving parties that they have a large community behind them. I always think it’s lovely that she and her friends support each other and acquaintances in this way.

Funerals tend to be very big (several hundred at most I’ve been to) - I was very shocked by how small funerals are in the UK and that people are generally invited. My partners’ family were surprised when my mum came to his mums funeral as they hadn’t met many times and she flew in to attend. It’s just a different culture - perhaps this woman has some Irish ancestry (I know many in the UK do).

The message is strange but perhaps she has trouble expressing herself in sensitive situations.

I was touched to get sympathy cards from people I didn't expect to get them from. Old friends and acquaintances bothering to get in touch helped me feel better. And seeing unexpected faces waiting outside the crem when we pulled up in the cars, was a real lift. People I hadn't seen in ages, or who lived very far away, had taken the trouble to come. My husband had clearly been important to them and it made me emotional.

My mum's funeral was last month. I was worried about it as I couldn't see there being more than 8-10 of us. She'd been in a care home for over a decade and lost touch with everyone but our small family and two friends. I was surprised and glad when there were 30. Old neighbours and past colleagues (of decades ago) had heard and came to pay their respects. It made the funeral much 'warmer' and easier for me.

I don't think what she wrote was inappropriate unless she was aware of a huge rift between you and the deceased. As you're not close, then this isn't the case so she just wrote something she thought was sympathetic. People don't know what to write on cards. I've written some clangers myself.

As to how she found out, some older people hunt out death notices. The funeral details were printed or published somewhere she reads. Alternatively she isn't as much of a technophobe as you think and she searches online for the names of people she knows and she came across your name.

I think you are clouded because you don't like her. Its odd she bothers but for some people, attending funerals are social outlets.

I don't think what she wrote was inappropriate, it was fine.

You know a lot about her, including her use of technology and sm, considering you haven't seen her for a decade.

I don't know how she found out about your loss, maybe through a mutual friend, but nothing about that message is inappropriate and your extreme reaction to it is surprising.

Why not assume good intentions on her part, even if her social skills are clumsy.

I don't want a funeral. Or a eulogy, or any sort of mass gathering at all. I've told DH and the kids to bung me in a cardboard box and do whatever is cheapest and easiest, the less fuss the better.

Then go out for a nice dinner with immediate family only and try to say some nice things about me. That'll do me just fine. The thought of people I haven't seen for years feeling obliged to schlep across the country to stand in some hotel function room and find polite things to say to my glum looking family brings me out in a cold sweat.

Reading this thread, I think I've made the right decision.

You don't like this woman, fine. But the level of criticism and ostracism you have aimed at her for sending an uninspired but not inappropriate condolences card, attending community funerals and not having the best social skills is really unpleasant.

Why was it your business to ban her from work events?

How did she know about your relative's dying? Maybe someone told her or they had some connection from years ago. Small world and all.

Her view on bereavement is to send cards and attend community funerals. She is far from alone in this. Why not assume the best in that? She sounds harmless.

And the don’t come instruction sounds quite bullying.

But it won’t make any difference to you. You’ll be dead.

Funerals are for those left behind. My parents’ funerals were well attended, and it made us happy to put on a good event each time. My DH once said that he didn’t want a funeral, but the DCs were adamant that, when the time comes, they will want one for him.

For goodness' sake! What she wrote wasn't inappropriate. Inappropriate would be 'Any chance of a shag now your husband's dead?' or .... OK the one I was thinking of is a bit much, not to mention illegal...

Just to add my DM is mid 70s and whilst she isn't a card sender, she knows EVERYONE. When you're older and have worked, maybe had kids, participated in hobbies, the church or community, your incidental network can be huge, even if not active. You remember acquaintances' younger relatives as their births and life events are big news, even though they may have no clue who you are.

She may have a very different perspective on life to you but doesn't sound to have done anything wrong.

Maybe watch the film Harold and Maude. Maude was a funeral going legend.

Obv when I say church, other faith equivalents apply

This update suggests she goes along for the party - AKA free food… and if she goes back to the wake after the funeral then the same would apply… food and sometimes a tab behind bar for drinks…

Ive got a friend who literally had to tell someone that if they turned up at her dads funeral they would be removed!… because he had turned up at her mothers a few years earlier and ate loads of food then left (he’d only met my friends mum a couple of times in passing!… and was actually very rude to my friend and to her parents while they were alive!….. some people really are just cheeky F£&$ers!!

Can you point that out?

I can’t see where op says she even attends the wales. Never mind goes to the wake.

and attending the wake doesn’t mean she just goes for free food or drink

Why do you care so much what she writes?

As I've said to all my girls growing up, when people are mean and nasty, it's because they're very unhappy, angry people.

You absolutely never meet a cheerful, happy person who wants to be nasty to others.

When you're happy you want everyone to be happy.

The miserable, angry, malicious ones will always exist around you. Just be grateful you're not them.

And unless she is actively and ongoing bullying you - and just writes nasty cards and sits at the back at funerals - just let her stew in her own miserable life.

What? This is not an inappropriate thing to write. It’s sounding like this lady could be the victim of bullying? 🤔 People have funny ways. Stop the hate!