To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

Yeah I'm with your Dd him overeacting lke that isnt on.

lthough it all sounds like it stemmed from you getting involved in friend stuff so it's obviously an ongoing issue that you might want to re think your approach.

have you had any conversations at all about what ADHD is, how it manifests itself in your daughter and how you can best support her, yourselves and each other in a way that will give her the tools she needs to negotiate her life?

That is the key thing.

Your dh needs to wind his ego in. His behaviour seems very self absorbed. I would not allow anyone to roar in my daughter's face, let alone support them.

At the moment where your dd said she wasn't looking for his input, I would have said that wasn't reasonable. Either the conversation needs to be moved to a different place and continued in private or he is allowed to have a voice. You can't rant in a public space and choose who responds. Perhaps you could have gone upstairs with her at that moment after explaining that.

He was being a prick so why shouldn;t she call him one?

People with ADHD often have no filter, they say it as it is. Your dh's life will be so much easier if he gets used to this fact sharpish.

Your DD wasn’t wrong! He absolutely IS a prick!

Under different circumstances my thoughts would be that your daughter should apologise for being rude. However, I don't believe that a grown man shouting aggressively in the face of a 15 year old deserves an apology. Sounds like she's right about him.

I would never (still wouldn’t and I’m 44) have dared use that sort of language to my parents. Would she say it to a teacher? A member of staff in a shop? Wasn’t a great situation but faults on both sides. It’s not ok to use abusive language towards anyone.

I don't know. You can't/won't always be there to intervene, and he definitely wound her up on purpose by the end, but it's not really advisable to call anyone a prick during an argument (I went to school with some kids who'd have just punched you for that). Sometimes people will tell you what you don't want to hear.

My ds told me once he remembers the night his df could no longer run after him upstairs to shout at him.. (disabled)
What a memory eh?

I don’t know what else you could have done. He had already shouted at her (which sounds quite scary tbh) and you told her it wasn’t acceptable to call her dad a prick. It’s not like you were telling her it was ok! Also with the original conversation, she was emotional and upset already and has ADHD. It almost sounds like her dad was goading her a bit saying to just drop it several times.

In what MN snowflake world is the word prick abusive?

Your DH goaded DD into that response so he could be aggressive to her.

If I were DD I wouldn't want to speak to the cunt again.

Please support your dd.

There are three separate issues her calling him a prick which is whilst not acceptable sounds as if it is true
how he behaved towards her before the incident which sounds as if he doesn’t like her
and how he was afterwards which was totally unacceptable aggressive and crossed a line

is he her father because he sounds awful

He shouldn't have shouted in her face. I would have been furious if my teen called me a prick, think being angry about that is reasonable. Also think the previous input from him was ok too.

It's also not ok for a father to goad his own daughter repeatedly.

Hers will be so much easier if she gets used to the fact that if she swears at and insults people they are likely to have very strong negative reactions. There’s a bit of fault on all sides here but you really can’t expect him to just quietly accept being called a prick by his teenage daughter. It’s a highly subjective opinion unpleasantly expressed, not some empirical truth.

He over reacted. DH and I clash a lot over our 2 DS’s. They both have ADHD. I’ve spent a lot of time reading all I can about it, how it affects emotions etc. I put an extreme amount of effort into understanding their needs, listening patiently, ignoring the odd swear word and not being flippant. DS2 particularly is a big ball of emotions and it’s best just to listen and only offer advice if he asks.,
DH just barrels in with his opinions usually they’re unwanted and usually they’re not helpful. This sets DS off.
I don’t think everyone realises that you have to find a different way of parenting a ND child.

There's no justification for getting aggressively in her face. Stop excusing the inexcusable.

My DS has ADHD and we have issues like this in our house. Absolutely YANBU. IMO my DH struggles to connect with my DS as well as I do, because he goes in as an authoritarian parent and you actually need to wait until the moment has passed, emotions are calm etc, then talk about how what happened in the heat of the moment wasn't appropriate. Your DH shouldn't have shouted like that.

Er, sorry to disappoint but you’re not in charge.

Well, try shouting it at a stranger in a pub. In many places I’ve worked and people I’ve worked with, you’d definitely get a worse response than someone shouting in your face. It isn’t ok.

I used to regularly get screamed/shouted at/called worse names at work. No chance would I put up with it at home.

My DH often behaves like a prick where my youngest DS is concerned. DS has ADHD and gets VERY emotional over lots of things. Every emotion he has is magnified 100% all the time. If he’s sad it’s like his whole family died, if he’s happy he’s bouncing off the walls, if he’s angry he absolutely rages!
When DS is angry DH tries to show who’s in charge! It’s pathetic really and escalates things to the extreme. The amount of conversations I’ve had with him about just let DS calm down (usually happens quickly) then we can talk about whatever’s happened cos shouting in his face sure isn’t going to help!!

@SmellsLikeTeenSpirits I think you handled it well. You supported your dd (which is exactly what she needed) while at the same time backing up your dh about it not being ok to call him a prick. You then addressed the concerns you had with the way he handled the situation privately with him and away from your dd.

Your dh was out of order speaking to you the way he did (getting angry at you, accusing you of not backing him up and playing the victim instead of having a respectful, mature conversation with you). He was out of order getting right up in your dd’s face and yelling at her in a threatening way.

I wonder if there is an underlying issue he has but has not communicated about it.

Sorry to disappoint you, you can't excuse male aggression without being challenged.

I don’t think she should have called him a prick and I don’t think he should have acted the way he did (like a prick!), before or after she did it. You’re in the right and caught in the middle. I would now let them work through it themselves, as you’ve pointed out where both have been in the wrong. I’ve been in similar situations with daughter and husband and this is what I’ve had to do.