To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

He sounds like my ex.

With ADHD your DD will probably also have RSD, which will make her more sensitive to fall outs.

I have ADHD and so do my kids, what you typed was a usual scenario in my house, my ex dp often tried to argue with the kids and get in their faces.

This could probably go one of 2 ways:

1. Everybody lets the dust settle. All acknowledge things could have been handled differently. There is audible recognition that DD is going through the most stressful period of her life to date. There is a discussion about the fact that her ADHD means she will blow things out of proportion, get more frustrated than 'normal' people, and struggle to manage her emotions and outbursts. Dad admits that he was, in fact, being a prick! Both in wading in when she was clearly not having a conversation about processing her emotions where 'just leave it' was going to bring her any closure on whatever the issue was - but also certainly in his response when he was called out about it! There then follows a discussion about whether this is or isn't a household where heated throwaway comments like 'prick' can be bandied about as DD approaches adulthood or not. It sounds like NOT, although other approaches are available! (I occasionally tell my DH he's being a prick, he might agree, stick his tongue out, or tell me to piss off...it's all done with love and respect and we are able to functionally move on from it. Appreciate this would not be acceptable boundaries for everyone, find your own!) There then follows a discussion about the fact one can't just mutter 'prick' without serious repercussions, even when someone is being one! DD needs to be able to practice becoming an adult in her own home & your job is to help her - not to model the very worst response she would get from am aggro drunk in a pub and tell her it's what she deserves because you can't tell someone that's being a prick that they're a prick.
2. Dad digs his heels in and their relationship is damaged forever.

My Dad did 2 when I was DDs age and it took until I was about 23/24 before I moved beyond just tolerating him because I had to and actually having a relationship where we both treated each other as adults, really.

I'm a bit more open with my DCs (still pre-teen). Recently had a conversation with them along the lines of 'My Dad has never really done good listening. It can be really annoying, and sometimes he's just plain wrong. But we love him anyway because he's family and it's important to be able to get through these things.' There's no carte blanche for bad behaviour for anyone. But it sounds like your DD could do with a bit more help knowing she's got a place it's ok to get things wrong without getting roared at in her face!

Everyone could have done better in your situation! She's an age where what you do next will impact both of your relationships with her for the next 10 years...I hope you can work through it without excuses or grudges for anyone ❤️

I think you handled it well ,all things considered.
It is exhausting, I know too well .
He shouldn’t have been aggressively in her face shouting and she will learn not to call him a prick.

My advice to my DD is always to not carry on an argument at home… I tell her to respond to her friends with a simple ‘let’s just forget it tonight and talk about it tomorrow after we’ve slept on it!’
she’s talked to her friends about the fact she hates texting after school about school and needs that wind down time, they all have agreed it’s wise not to argue over text and 9 times out 10 by the morning they’ve all forgotten what it was about and have a calm conversation about it… things get massively blown out of proportion over text, particularly when they’re all still angry/upset and tired!
As for your DH, he sounds very much like my ex… after she asked him to stop he should have… there is nothing more annoying than someone just parroting the same phase over and over… my ex would do this and it drove it me mad!… I probably called him a prick more than once for it!! Like someone saying ‘I told you so’ over and over in your ear….. or ‘just drop it’, drop it, drop it… when you’re trying to explain/express a feeling … it was very childish of him!! And to them strop off and sulk like a child!

So sorry you got caught in the middle, OP. In my experience, men are extraordinarily sensitive to shaming. They do need to get over their egos, and he was supposed to be the adult in that interaction.

1. your husband was being a prick. He was being flippant about her bubbling emotions, which to anyone is hurtful and aggravating but to a teenager, to someone with ADHD, it’s too much.
2. It is NOT ok to call your father a prick, your daughter was in the wrong too.
3. your daughter perhaps has impulse control issues, as an ADHD person. This is context that the whole family needs to hold.
4. ADHD does have a genetic source, often. My son has ADHD and some very caring and sensitive staff at his school dropped many hints, that it’s likely from me. This insight and realisation has been life changing for me. Does your daughter get it from her father? It may explain his reaction , I don’t know.
5. you are right. There are better ways of handling it. a) I understand your feelings about your friend and why you are going down this rabbit hole. Allocate a time to analyse the issue, then think of practical steps forward b) hey, it’s NOT ok to use the insulting ‘prick’ word at anyone, not least your own father. How could you have put that better?

Typical Western children behaviour. Lack of discipline,respect and boundaries. Your daughter was wrong. Your husband telling her to leave it didn't warrant a child calling a parent a prick. No wonder ur kids are turning on you. Ah well! Y'all can do better

NO, not typical western children behaviour. Typical neuro-diverse under extreme stress behaviour.

You're asking who was right, wrong - doesn't really matter now, it's happened. What matters is repairing, making sure it doesn't happen again. And yes, if it helps, it's DH who needs to modify and control behaviour - sometimes we all need to count to ten, bite tongues or step outside when dealing with ADHD teens.

“Extreme stress”. Wait til she enters the real world where rude behaviour won’t be tolerated and condoned.

Many autistic /ADHD young people will never be able to work. But fortunately for those who are, employers are legally bound to make reasonable adjustments.

At 16 my son lived on a knife edge of meltdowns. Anything could set him off, from something not being as he expected, to exam room conditions to the sheer exhaustion of getting throuigh a school day during exam times.

He is now 20 and there is a massive difference though he still has his moments. Every neuro diverse person is different of course but in terms of social/emotional development they are often 3-4 years behind their peers. A 16 year old may act and behave more like a 12-13 year old.

This is terrible advice so anyone who is ADHD can call anyone names? I don't think she should have called him a prick and I don't believe that's the first time she has ever sworn. I also agree your DH handled it very badly but in your position I would have let it play out and had a quiet chat with him later.

Kids can sometimes act a bit out of character 2 weeks before their GCSEs. You can either make allowances, (even if you normally wouldn't.) Or you can add to their stress even more just before their GCSEs.

Do get a grip and try to use proper English while you’re at it!

I don't think accepting being called a prick, would be a reasonable adjustment in a work setting!
The dad definitely overreacted but when the dust settles, OP and her dh are going to have to fork on how the whole family communicates, because it won't help dd to not prepare her for the realities of adult life.

I suspect the OP might constantly appease the dd, to the extent she thinks that everyone else in her life has to be as accommodating as her mum. The friend isn't playing ball and dad (albeit badly) has told her where she's going wrong and it's all kicked off.

Yep he was being a prick. Neurodiverse household here and it's not an issue using 'curse words'.

I'm guessing that there's more to this and THAT'S the reason for your husband's outburst.

Do you perhaps let her get away with things because of the ADHD - use it as an excuse not to discipline her because of the outbursts?

This maybe where he's coming from but handled totally wrong.

Just a thought.

Even without ADHD, at your daughter's age, arguments between friends are always felt much deeper and blown way bigger than they should be, especially with all their teenage hormones at play. They also tend to blow over quite quickly too and they'll probably be apologising, crying and being 'besties' again in a day or 2. Your husband acted way OTT and needs to try and understand these situations a bit more and how to deal with them. Its pointless shouting at her when she's already emotional as she is going to respond in a heightened way. To him it was nothing but to her it was the end of the world. Yes she should apologise for her outburst but he should too.

Whilst I don’t think you’re wrong at all, my DS age 9 has ADHD, and he is so rude sometimes I have absolutely ran after him to shout at him. If he’d called me a swear word I would have gone ballistic.

You say that it’s the first time for your DD, is she usually not rude to either of you? In which case your DH is 110% in the wrong. But as the parent of an ADHDer, if she’s often very difficult and disrespectful, I can understand it.

He is still wrong, and you did the right thing comforting her, and I don’t think I’m right in when I have lost it either. But it’s understandable. My DS’ disrespect triggers me like nothing else!

What you say in your first two sentences is exactly why the advice to leave it was good advice.

Yeah but those are things like ‘more frequent breaks and read and write software’ not ‘you get to visit your personal dramas on other people and swear at them if they don’t like it’. Reasonable adjustments level the playing field for disabled people to physically access work, but that’s only a very small part of how someone experiences their working life. Plus there’s no requirement for reasonable adjustments in any other area of life - the results you get come from your own choices and behaviours.

I’m just shocked she’s 15 and you’ve never heard her swear before! From what you’ve described it sounds like he was being a prick tbf

Why should a 15 year old be swearing in front of her parents ? I am in my 50s and can swear like a fishwife but never once swore near my parents.

As a parent of AuDHD kids I'm with your husband! Your DD was extremely rude to him before calling him a prick!
ADHD isn't an excuse - allowing her to act like that at home will escalate to her acting like that with others!