To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

There was wrong on both sides yes. But at 15 you really need to find a way to help her cope. This behavior outside the hone can have horrible consequences. Yes it woybe wonderful if the world adapted to our children's triggers but that's not reality. And I say this as a mother who's child, 13,was arrested yesterday for something similar. On mumsnet today to try to think about anything else. Wishing you the best.

I would have handled it the same as you. His interventions weren't helpful as he didn't have the full picture and DD hadn't asked for his advice anyway. Let her calm down and tell her she needs to apologise for swearing at her dad. Hopefully he'll have calmed down too and gained a little perspective. Hope DDs friendship issue is resolved soon.

DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that

Seriously? Your husband thinks that this sort of aggressive and toxic behaviour means that he deserves to be treated with respect?

He IS a prick. Also a wanker, a tosser and an arsehole

Your poor daughter, regardless of ADHD, should be allowed to express herself without THE PRICK telling her what to do and feel

Well she’s not wrong. He was being a bit of a prick, inserting himself into a conversation he wasn’t part of and offering advice that hadn’t been asked for. He was even more of a prick for what he did afterward.

What kind of grown man, a father, chases his child up the stairs to shout in her face? How vile and frightening to be hounded by your dad like that. Totally unacceptable and emotionally immature behaviour.

What was teenage insolence (for which I’m sure your daughter would have begrudgingly given an apology following a quiet word and hug from mum after some time alone in her room to calm down) escalated to something totally inappropriate. He needs to apologise first.

I would have told DH he was being a prick and needs to apologize

“family/public space”? It’s her home. She should be able to speak to her mother in whatever room in her home as she pleases. She shouldn’t have to move to a separate room in her own home to avoid her boorish father butting in and being dismissive.

If one of ours called me a prick, I'd expect my DH to back me up instead of making excuses for it, ADHD or not (and I have ADHD as do two of my children).

Your daughter sounds really rude, tbh.

This, if a teen boy had called his mum a cunt and she got angry at this would everyone be 'awww poor boy, horrible mum' ?

I don’t think you could have done much more than you did in the situation, eg tell daughter that calling him that is unacceptable, whilst sympathetic to her feelings about the friendship situation and being roared at by her dad, and then telling him that whilst what she said was not on, the way he responded made things worse.
Think you need to all have a calm chat about it at a time when everyone’s anger has subsided - both to (willingly) apologise about what they said and talk about how to deal with things better in future when tensions are high.

There is a huge difference between a woman chasing a teenage boy and a man chasing a teenage girl. There is also a difference between calling someone a prick and a cunt.

Either both are unacceptable or none.

Mine isn’t this bad but when DS2 has been very emotional DH has sat there and said nothing while PIL have ‘commented’. I’ve had to remind him in advance before meet-ups what is not going to happen…

Muttering the word ‘prick’ under your breath is not abuse. Far from it in fact

He hadn't heard the earlier conversations, I mean how many conversations does it take, but he obviously heard what was being said and she was rude. As I said if she wants a private conversation go somewhere private. He's perfectly entitled to join in with a conversation his family are having.

He doesn't need permission to join in with a conversation that is going on in front of him in his own home.

No one has said it was a private conversation, you keep saying that.

He wasn't joining in though. OP said he wasn't engaged and then he kept repeating 'leave it'.

If he doesn't want to hear the conversation, he should go to his room.

Does he mutter stuff under his breath during arguments? (Most of us do)
If so then 15 is too old for the do as I say not as I do style of parenting to go down well.
Also he was being prick, teenagers and drama go hand in hand. Your husband needs to realise that or he's got some stressful years ahead of him.

I didn’t say either was acceptable but one can still be worse than the other. Men have a certain advantage physically unfortunately, especially against young girls. I don’t think domestic abuse is acceptable towards any sex but a grown man chasing a young girl so that he can shout in her face is a man that has no business being around girls or women. Especially since he also expects an apology afterwards, he has zero regrets.

Your DH proved your DD right, what an absolute prick!

It’s so draining isn’t it. When DS is overwhelmed he tends to shout. My go to position is to remain calm, speak calmly and ask him if he can, to bring it down a bit so we can talk. 9 times out of 10 this works.I’ve also taught him breathing exercises so we try and do those if he feels able to. DH position is to shout louder, it’s ridiculous. Then (out of earshot of DS) I’ll suggest to DH (again!!!) that him shouting just escalated an issue that could’ve been over much more quickly and much more quietly. Then I get the “you never stick up for me” bullshit. Makes me cringe!
The amount of times I’ve reminded him that he’s the adult and parent and needs to try and understand his son a bit better….

@Curlyblondefemale ,

‘Also he was being prick, teenagers and drama go hand in hand.’

Well, if they aren’t parented, that quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! Funny how in most cultures it doesn’t seem to be so inevitable.

You just don’t get to call your parent a prick. And, unless he is a scary man, there is nothing wrong with a quick shout.

I am sure most teens would prefer this to having money or screens withdrawn, or being grounded.

I’m sorry but I think that’s nonsense. If my daughter called me a prick she’d soon regret it and I’d certainly raise my voice at her. It’s frankly disturbing how many people downplay the teenager’s behaviour in this scenario.

Exactly. Children (including teenagers) are learning to be reasonable adults. They mess up, and even more when they are ND.

Would DH's behaviour be acceptable to an adult in his workplace? If not, why is it acceptable for his teenage daughter in her home?

Yes, she needs to understand that verbal abuse is unacceptable. But his physical threat is even more so

Because he is her parent. Do you think it is acceptable to call anyone whatever you like?

I’m actually shocked at how many people think it’s acceptable that a child calls their parent a prick and then shouldn’t get told off for it.

His advice wasn’t bad as the OP said herself. She then calls him a prick as she doesn’t like the fact he told her she should leave it. Utterly unacceptable. It’s teen drama, sometimes they do need to just leave it.

No way would I let my daughter call me a prick and then not tell her off by raising my voice. He shouldn’t of got in her face but he had every right to follow her and tell her off.

Must be a common theme in their house too of her getting away with stuff and the OP never listening to him.

No wonder there are so many bloody horrible kids around that speak to their parents like shit.