To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

I do think we’re actually on the same page here. My particular problem and I think, OP’s is that our DH’s aren’t on the same page!! I’ve had lots and lots of discussions with DH about ADHD too and while he sits there and nods he then can’t put anything we discussed into practice. Hence the conflict.
DS and I (because I put the time and effort in) have an extremely close bond and he’s nothing but respectful, but on occasion still struggles to contain his emotions. He’s 16 now and handling himself better all the time, he’ll get there with love and patience.

It sounds like you and your DH do not come from the same place when it comes to parenting her. You said his advice to leave it was good advice, so he wasn't wrong. She was totally out of order calling him a prick. His reaction was over the top, but I understand why he was fuming with her. At this point I'd have probably left them to it and not undermined either of them in an argument that wasn't mine.

Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional

Just asking, what do you mean by this?

Sometimes in life we don't always get a response we're looking for due to difference of opinions, what's generally right or wrong, or because the other person could possibly be correct.

He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently

While I agree your DH could have handled things differently, no need to get in your DD's face, by saying what you said above it completely ignores the fact that DD did call your DH a dick and you just brushed it aside.

He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything

Is this correct?
Is there good reason why your DH would say that?

My mum always told me that as an adult it is your responsability to BE the adult to your children, even when they are pushing every single one of your buttons. Now I have my own kids I know this is an impossible standard and it's not one that I meet all the time by a long shot, but it is one that you should aim for, and in this situation overall I think your husband failed to do that.

Yes, being called a prick is way over the line, and should come with some reprocussions other than being told not to do that again, but having reacted as he did, I would also expect him to apologise for his reaction once he'd calmed down, especially as his involvement was pretty emotionally tone deaf to begin with.

Your daughter insulting her dad pales into insignificance given his aggressive reaction towards her over the word prick. Given his behaviour, the word prick is quite tame really.

OP says: "She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way."

She didn't want his open ear, she wanted him to stop goading her. Instead he got aggressive and shouted in her face.

It's astonishing how people think this is acceptable parenting from him.

I’d expect both parents to pull her up on saying “I’m not asking you” in the first place, in the family living room that she’s come into and started talking about her friendship drama in. It sounds a lot like you’re creating a precedent where she can be rude to her dad and you won’t back him up in pulling her up on it, and also where you will indulge her friendship dramas and not tell her difficult truths about her responsibility for them. I don’t think any of that is going to help her, or you.

You agree that his advice wasn't bad, you talk about her "dramas" and she called him a prick. Do you think you pander to her "dramas" too much? You talk about the conversations that had gone on so it does sound like his advice is perfectly reasonable. She was very rude, ran off rather than face that she'd been rude. He then overreacted and he thinks you never back him up, do you think there is any truth in that?

Maybe you need to have a frank discussion, was he in a bad mood, is he fed up with her behaviour, do you always back her up, does she need to work out her friendships herself. I think there is a lot to think about.

How is telling her she's escalating the issue with her friend and to leave it is goading her? It may or may not have been good advice, the OP says it wasn't bad advice, but why shouldn't her father join in with a conversation in his home? Why shouldn't he give his child advice?

It's him repeating 'leave it' a few times when his dd has explained to him that he doesn't know the history.

He was giving unwanted advice. DD is a person in her own right, she is allowed to want to speak to just her mum about something without her father interfering with goady 'leave it' 'leave it' 'leave it' interjections.

Lazy and disengaged takes longer to say though…

He is a prick.

Both were at fault but your daughter has adhd, is 15, and is revising for exams, and was upset, so I really think I'd have let this one go, especially if she isn't normally rude. She said one word wrong.

Your husband on the other hand -

• Kept giving his opinion when asked not to

• Told a crying teen that she shouldn't be upset. Whether she was over reacting or not, that's invalidating her feelings and also, it's never going go work, basically telling someone to stop crying doesn't help

• Yelled, chased a crying girl up the stairs and got in her face, shouting. The above to points are maybe misjudgements more than anything else, but this behaviour towards a 15 year old girl, who just said one (not particularly awful) word, is completely unacceptable

He is the adult, she is an upset stressed child who made a mistake, so his reaction was completely OTT

This! If you husband doesn’t understand your daughters condition then he is a poor parent, if she was diabetic or physically disabled would he not bother to learn about the condition impacting her?

I genuinely hate the response of “yeah well that’s how the world is and you have to just get on with it as an ND person” you would be a real prick to say that kind of thing to other people with where a condition or disability is physical obvious. Yes we all have to adapt and try and make things work but that needs to come from both sides of an interaction.

I think you handled it perfectly and with tact. Whether she should have called him a prick or not, he certainly behaved like one and could try a little empathy for an upset young teen girl.

He certainly was a prick in the way he behaved.
I'd be supporting my DD here too. She was out of order to say that but running after her and shouting is truly appalling.

Your DD was wrong to say that. And she's old enough to know better even with the ADHD/GCSE exams. In my house that would be unacceptable. I would have asked my daughter on the spot to apologise to her dad.

Typical male trying to solve a problem he doesn't have the full facts about so it will go away. He was BU.

It doesn’t sound like OP knew anything more about the facts of the friendship drama than her husband - he was in the room hearing the same as she was. OP’s reception was just more palatable to her daughter than the (apparently good) advice her father gave.

I would be absolutely raging.

But I would have handled it differently. I would have waited until dinner time, and then said if she thought that I was going to be called a prick in my own house she would have another think coming.

She would leave the table with no illusions as to the level of anger that I felt at her for using those words to me.
And then we would start of the fact that yes her reaction to the situation is ridiculous, and both her parents have told her this, and she needs to actually listen for a change and not having two areas where she wants to spout off without accepting any responsibility for the impact of not keeping her mouth shut.
And then we would start on the punishment- which would be disproportionate. And it might even include calling her a “cunt” just so she can experience the shock and hurt that words can cause, because she obviously cannot learn through reason or multiple conversations.

Unpopular opinion here.

I think your DD has no respect for her father and I suspect it might be learned by observing how you interact with him. After all, it seems to be you and your DD against him?

I think DH also knows you don’t respect him, hence his later comments.

He was in the room, heard what she said and should be allowed to speak without having to ask for permission. A 15-year-old should not be calling the shots.

You say he had come back from work not long before. Tbh, I can image he was probably a bit annoyed he had to put up with emotional rabbitting on when he was trying to relax after work.

Yes, DH’s outburst was unnecessary but personally I suspect it wasn’t the first time you openly took DD’s side against him. I’m not saying you have to agree with DH 100% but these discussion shouldn’t happen in front of your DD. There might be a time when your DD calls you a b**ch and you get annoyed. What should you like your DH to do? I doubt you’d like him to openly take her side.

Your daughter wanted validation and DH didn’t give it to her. Tough. He obviously had a different point of view, it happens and your DD should be able to deal with it without calling him names.

I’m neurodivergent and I find the current trend of using various diagnoses to excuse sh*y behaviour unhelpful. ADHD or not, if your DD doesn’t learn to cope with the fact that not everyone agrees with her without having meltdowns and calling people names, things will get a lot worse for her when she’s an adult.

It's a shame he didn't just leave it really? If he's had enough of the conversation between two women then it's his chance to find another room to go to.

When it's being used by a child in an abusive context toward a parent.

I'm with him! My kids called me a prick, they wouldn't sit for a bloody week! He didn't say anything out of order to her to justify being called that. You say yourself it wasnt bad advice.

If he scared her by shouting, good! Time she learned that mouthing off has consequences. Better her dad scare her by shouting than her do it to someone else who just punches her.

If she were mine, she'd be made to apologise, phone taken off her and grounded until her attitude improved. ADHD is neither here nor there, it doesn't excuse rudeness. She needs discipline.

This 100%.