To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

Regardless of who was right or wrong.

I can tell you two possibilities of how it plays out:

Possibility 1: your DD finds somewhere else to stay and stops overnight there frequently. My son had mh issues which my ExH chose to deal with by shouting at him. My son developed severe anxiety as a result of this. He got a girlfriend and basically moved in with her and her family. He'd come back every now and then, and as soon as ExH started shouting at him again he'd get scared and go off to girlfriends again for three weeks or so.

ExH would then be really anxious about him. How will my son cope in the real world? Why doesn't he want to live with us?

Sometimes my son would sleep in his car rather than come home to the risk of his dad shouting.

Strangely, since my son went to uni and spends much less time with his dad his mental health has improved massively and he is coping incredibly well with the real world. He got a first and has got a good job in London and lots of friends.

Possibility 2: it really escalates. My ExH also
used to shout at my DD. Usually for not clearing the dishwasher or other really really serious offences. At one point after I had gone to bed they had such a bad row that he hurt her really badly and she had bruises all down her arm.

She woke me up terrified. I callled the police and we left. She developed PTSD and had nightmares about him trying to kill her. She was on diazepam and anti anxiety drugs and saw a counsellor through college.

ExH was really worried about her. How will she cope in the real world? I only wanted to show her that she cannot behave like that in the real world.

She didn't speak to him for three years. She's still limited contact because she has panic attacks at the thought of meeting him. She only meets him in public places (so if he attacks her there are witnesses) and with people she knows to help her if he starts shouting.

She is just finishing a physics degree. She's coped fine in the real world because in the real world people don't get in your face and shout at you and they don't assault you.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

Hindsight being 20/20 possibly shutting DH down or moving DD to another room quicker might have prevent escalation - but DH nor DD behaved well.

I also wouldn't have asked to discussed DH behavior but clearly stated his input was unhelpful and his behavior afterwards disgusting for an adult. Then when DD was calm talked about her poor behavior and then talked about friendship issue - let it go advice may not have been wrong advice just offered at wrong time in wrong way.

However I seem to have been playing referee for years between DH and DC - and learnt fairly quickly asking for back up from DH could often lead to worse outcomes and he could take as much manging as kids - though something must have sunk in because even with exam stress house is calm and behaviour from everyone generally good at moment and was last year with different kids doing GCSE and A-level exams and that despite some additional unnecessary stress form school for one child.

Read it again, OP did know more about the facts. OP said: "[DH] Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’."

He was goading his daughter with the repeated 'leave it' interjections without knowing anything about it.

tbh, I can image he was probably a bit annoyed he had to put up with emotional rabbitting on when he was trying to relax after work.

WTF. If he didn't like the 'emotional rabbitting' he can leave the room instead of making his own daughter feel like shit.

You handled it well and you should be pleased your DD can correctly identify a prick when she sees one.

It sounds like your DH wanted to pick a fight with someone and your DD happened to be around.

There are two parenting approaches you can take to being called rude names by an overwrought 15yo and neither is entirely right or wrong imo. The first is to let it go because there are bigger things to worry about - ok if it's not frequent behaviour or part of a wider attitude of disrespect. Some things are best just ignored. The second is to firmly pull them up on their language and remind them that name-calling like that is unacceptable.

Neither involves chasing a teenage girl upstairs and shouting aggressively at her.

He probably just wanted someone to bully.

Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work.

So he heard everything OP heard. And gave advice OP herself admits was reasonable in the context.

He doesn't know the history, the previous conversations. Are you deliberately ignoring '"[DH] Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’."?

Also, OP said his advice was 'not terrible'. She didn't say it was reasonable. Because on the face of it, telling someone to 'leave it' is not terrible advice, but for someone who doesn't know the history to keep repeating 'leave it' is goady, especially when his dd has told she's speaking to her mum who knows the history.

I have ADHD - its so common for parent of a child with ADHD to have it too - does your husband usually have trouble controlling his emotions?

No. I think a 15-year-old who barges into the living room with emotional drama about a friend not giving her the response she wants should learn some manners, including that she doesn’t get to choose which parent is allowed to speak.

Nothing about the “leave it” advice, which the OP herself didn’t have an issue with, is goading. You are really doing a hell of job here trying to create a narrative that frames the daughter as a victim of circumstances.

You talk like it's not her home as well. Barging in? You realise that a living room is for the whole family right?

And yes, she should absolutely be able to choose which parent she wants advice from.

Your posts are steeped in misogyny.

Saying 'leave it' once is not goading. But repeating it constantly after dd has asked to speak to her mum who knows the history is definitely goading. Read it again, he was not engaged with the advice, he goaded her and then rubbed it in with ‘there’s no need to get upset’:

😂

You’re getting desperate.

Since when is a different point of view misogyny?

I’d have given exactly the same response if DD was DS and DH was DW.

Children and teenagers need boundaries. ADHD or not, no 15 year old should boss their parents around and call them names.

oh sorry, then. I do get a lot of pushback usually when i say these things. There are a fair few good books about this kind of thing

good luck!

I do think you have odd ideas about parenting if you think an upset child looking for advice is 'barging into the living room' with 'emotional rabbitting'. If you think that's 'desperation', so be it.

A lot of assumptions here. She wasn’t looking for advice but for validation. By the sound of it, she was upset because the friend wasn’t giving her what she wanted and asking to be left alone.

She was also aggressive ‘I’m not asking you’ is plain rude and confrontational. If this is the reaction to stuff she doesn’t want to hear, then she wasn’t looking for advice.

Happy to agree to disagree.

A lot of assumptions here. She wasn’t looking for advice

Yes, she was. OP says:

Came downstairs to ask me for advIce.

so in OPs shoes one thing i think she needs to be doing this weekend, with her DH and then with their DD is to establish some ground rules.

One i think i would be implementing is not to bug your dad when he's just got home from work and chilling on the sofa. DD drama is handled, even when it might disturb OP to have to get up, in her room. So that there is no chance that her dad can "butt in". It is entirely possible that his repeated "leave it" is to the DD to stop banging on about it and disturbing his peace and quiet?

There are some really good books available to help parents out here. And many articles and so on. One good thing is for the 3 of them to get together and see why they reacted the way they did here. So dad gets to say "you were disturbing my peace going on and on, why didn't you just stop talking? then the PA insulting me was a trigger to me"

And DD might say "well i was focussed on telling mum about my hideously boring teenage drama problem and you were interrupting me and you didn't have all the back story of what's going on today, and i am really stressed because of revision"

etc

then you all pinpoint your own triggers there, and discuss how to avoid things like that at home in future. IME that works very well and DH feels heard. DHs often don't feel involved because the mums often just take over, do all the research etc and don't explain things. (and sure, DHs could just do it too, but seriously; if you have put in the hours, help the other parent out here)

@Octavia64 this is what I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words so deleted it before I posted.

I have ADHD (then undiagnosed) so had plenty of big feelings. My mum moved my stepdad in when I was 13 and he used to get involved when I was speaking to my mum. When I was too overwhelmed, I’d run away and, if he wasn’t finished, he’d chase after me like OPs husband. That turned into chasing and trying to hit the back of me and then one day he went to punch me in the face but my mum stopped him.

I left home at 16 and I’m absolutely fine in the real world. I surround myself with people who treat me with respect and I do the same back. I enjoy the clear boundaries working offers. Plenty of people manage better in the real world because there’s boundaries and they have autonomy.

It seems that their whole family's lives would be easier if he gets used to the fact that interfering in a situation that doesn't involve you, talking over someone and insisting that they do what you say even though you aren't in a position to offer any help will piss people off.

From her perspective, she was already getting a strong negative reaction from her father even though all she wanted to do was express her feelings about a difficult situation. Why should the distressed teenager be held to a higher standard than an adult who's supposed to love and support her?

I don’t think it would make their family life at all easier if they all just agree the arrangement is that DD15 talks and everyone else listens. He is in a position to offer help -one, he’s her father, two, she had come into the room he was already in to talk about the situation, and three, it sounds like she has frequent dramas and that his advice that she was escalating the friendship situation and should drop it was what she needed, even if not what she wanted. Clearly, her pattern of behaviours aren’t helping her relationships or engagement with other people, which is not good for her or for those around her.

I'm sorry that happened to you

Do you see your mum now?

I see a parallel in your situation with OP's. Your step-dad was looking for an excuse to be aggressive with you and so was OP's husband with his dd.

She called a prick a prick, good for her. She needs to not be scared off from sticking up for herself, even if it sometimes require colourful language. He's trying to shut that down.

He is just full of male privilege. Just the way he resorts to aggression and intimidation tells you that, on top of that he also minimises her feelings. Fucking hate men like him.

He didn't know what she was talking about but still decided that that she needed to calm down and leave it. That is the last thing you should tell an upset teenager to do. He couldn't just let her talk to her mum about it, even if she was just venting, instead he had to goad her until he got a reaction he didn't like.

A grown man chasing a teenage girl up the stairs shouting at her is also wrong on so many levels. I would not want my daughter to live in that environment. It's ludicrous to think that just because his sperms helped create this child that he has earnt some sort of respect from her. He sounds emotionally illiterate at best, abusive at worse.

The moment she called her dad a prick everything else is irrelevant. I’d have gone up to de-escalate but come down stairs with DH and reassured him she was out of order but to let things calm down before talking to her. Id have waited for him to calm down and asked why he kept saying leave it when it wasn’t what she wanted or needed to hear. I’d have brought her adhd up with him and say let’s try and fix this. I’m not sure about your DH but mine would not need to be told he over reacted once he was calm.

After I’d have brought dd down stairs and start by saying what ever has happened it dosnt matter how upset dd is with DH she has no right to call her parents any names. “Hopefully” by this stage DH agrees he shouldn’t have lost his temper.

My DH has ADHD and can flip like a switch and over react. He’s like Dr Jackle and Mr Hyde. So can our DDs and although there are times I’m in agreement with them and will absolutely back them up, I’m not afraid to pull DH up and he will with me if I’m out of order, but the moment respect of either DH or myself goes out the window they loose no matter what DH and I are a united front. The disrespect and any name calling is addressed first then what ever started the fight/screaming addressed afterwards, but only when everyone is calm. If people start getting worked up we stop until everyone is composed again.