To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

Gosh, even without the ADHD I would have backed up the DD.

He was being a prick. He was dismissing her feelings and not giving her the emotional space she needed at that point. She didn't make a scene, she just expressed her feelings about him relatively quietly. She was calling him out in a relatively discreet way.

Why the fuck should she not be allowed to do that? She tried doing it the 'adult' way (telling him to stay out of it) and he didn't respect her then. Most adults would not have behaved in a better way.

He was way more childish than her.

I’m a HCP and have been called all sorts by members of the public at work

What you are describing are two completely different scenarios. A stranger being rude whilst you’re only trying to help them and your DD rightly calling you out for being an arse to her are not the same thing

i see this a lot on here: ND children have to be absolutely pandered to, they can do no wrong and everyone has to tiptoe around them.
i do see a fair bit of: nope we don't put up with any of their shit

Neither is right, IMO. Each child/family is different, but in EVERY family our job is to raise children who can navigate life. Whether than means knowing how to cook, not to chew with their mouths open, and to listen to people when they are explaining things to you - or when to mask, and when and where they can let it out, we all have that one job as parents.

For OP i'd suggest it means that she and DH both look into how their daughter's ADHD presents, and to work out how and why that is. and what situations may provoke an outburst, and how to handle them with an awareness of the situation they are currently in.

But there also needs to be dialogue between both and each parent(s) and the DD. how people speak to each other, and treating people with respect is a basic thing and a 15 year old, ND or not needs to learn it. Because once you are at college, uni, in a job, in a relationship etc etc, you have to know how to behave.

And we can yak all the live long day about how society needs to adapt, well yes, but it cannot always adapt. It is not always possible. It is sometimes possible in certain places, and sometimes not. We all need to grow up realising that. And once we are in positions where we have influence, we can help the world adapt.

She's pushing the boundaries and I doubt she'd risk being rude to your DH in the future. I feel that you should have supported him in this instance.

YANBU. Your partner’s reaction to her calling him a prick was disproportionate and it sounds like it would have been really scary for your daughter. Is he normally that volatile?

He’s not modelling good behaviours, there’s a big gap between what he’s saying (leave it rather than escalating) and doing (escalating it by using his physical presence to intimidate).

ADHD or not. At the age of 15 she knows full well that calling someone names, especially your parents, is not acceptable.
It sounds like this is not an isolated incident and that your husband doesn’t feel supported by you with regards to your daughter, so that should be your focus and not this one event.

Sorry but it’s not ok to call your dad a prick 🫣 even if he is one. And this falling over each other to excuse that behaviour is exactly why the schools are in the mess they are in today.

I’m not saying there isn’t fault on both sides - he sounds a Prince - but a teenager shouldn’t be calling her dad a prick ffs.

Can you text DH and say something like "I'm sorry you're upset. I felt I had to support DD yesterday as she was in the middle of a meltdown but obviously it's completely unacceptable that she called you a prick. Can we have a discussion about how we handle her ADHD in a way that doesn't fuel the fire, as we both sometimes do this without realising?"

(I'm being ultra-conciliatory here. I think he was a prick and should have had more maturity than to wind her up in this way, but we all make mistakes sometimes.)

She's a teenager with ADHD and taking her GCSE's, it's probably THE most stressful time in her life so far.

I agree, she shouldn't have called him a prick, but he's the adult here and he escalated the issue before she called him that, and completely over reacted and behaved terribly after. He was most definitely acting the worst out of the two of them. He should apologise

Sounds like he was being a prick, both before and after he got called it.

I'd totally support your daughter on this one.

So would I, and not undermine her by asking her to apologise

No, it's not ideal, but this is an upset 15 year old girl whose dad IS being a prick.

Sometimes people just have to take things on the chin, not completely overreact like he did.

Your DH needs to behave like an adult, and model a good way to respond in relationships. That ISN'T to scream in someone's face. It is to do what you did, which is de-escalate the situation and also make it clear that calling her father (or anyone) names is not acceptable, and needs an apology and possibly some way of trying to repair the situation.

However, in this case his behaviour was as bad (worse, in my opinion) as hers, so I wouldn't be able to insist on an apology and reparation from DD without DH being willing to do the same.

Why shouldn’t a teenager call their father a prick if it’s justified? Being young doesn’t mean that a 14 year old should allow their dad to walk all over and disrespect them. Showing respect earns respect back. Obviously OP’s DH hasn’t learnt this fact of life

Of course she can call him a prick, but then she also has to deal with the repercussions. She is 15, not 5.

It’s not about pandering to them. It’s about understanding their triggers, allowing them space to deal with their very big emotions and helping them navigate whatever the issue is. Shouting in the face if someone with already heightened emotions isn’t going to help.
We have very clear boundaries and rules at home but accept that DS in one of those moments may push them too far. He ALWAYS apologises after any poor behaviour. DH meets DS frustration with frustration, how is that ever going to help?
I give DS time to calm down then we talk about what’s happened to make him feel whatever way he’s feeling.
Edited to add. DS could usually contain how he felt in college but home is his safe space so he’s free to feel how he feels here.

No child should have to deal with her father roaring her in her face and being aggressive to her.

I don’t think the dd was pandered to. Expecting adults to model appropriate behaviour and basic respect is not pandering. Making reasonable adjustments for people with disabilities is also not pandering.

well you didn't get the point of my post then.

We ALL have to manage our behaviour all the time and that is what our DCs need to learn at home.

these parents have to learn how to work in unison to help their DD navigate her life, and that includes the DH working on himself.

And it is still not ok to call your father a prick under your breath like that (notwithstanding that he overreacted) and that is something the DD needs to learn. If you want to say something: say it. Don't do the PA under your breath bollocks. That would make me shouty too, tbh, and i have put in the hours with my ADHD daughter and learning how we can work as a family where everyone treats everyone else with respect. As OP did, i would have been having words about that.

I had lots and lots and lots of discussions with my DH about what ADHD is, how it often presents and how our DD in particular worked and what her triggers were. And we all worked together to find a way for her to learn that not everyone is like us and takes the time, particularly her boss. and she has developed good coping strategies and now as an adult is glad we took that time.

And a parent shouldn’t have to be subjected to unacceptable behaviour from their teen. This pandering trend has seriously gotten out of control.

The parent needs to parent effectively, they brought the child into the world. Not goad their daughter and then be aggressive to her.

Nobody is being pandered to. OP’s DH just can’t parent effectively full stop by the sound of it

He was behaving like a prick.

She wasn't talking to him, he didn't know what the conversation was about. But he started talking over her dismissing her while she's trying to talk to her mother about something that's upsetting her.

He then gets in a teenage girls face shouting and intimidating her.

He's not exactly a candidate for father of the year is he?

He's a prick.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional.

This is the key bit. What sort of issue? Was she being difficult with her friend (not leaving her alone, pushing her on things when the friend wanted to be left alone etc, or was the other person just not saying what DD wanted to hear e.g. 'no you re pretty', or was it a bigger issue?)

Because if it was the first or second and she was just pestering her friend because she wasn't getting the attention/response she wanted and then came to whinge at you about it...then I am slightly more sympathetic to your DH tbh - particularly if you were encouraging her and/or not telling her to chill a bit.

That being said, he could have been more tactful and he shouldn't have chased her, but her being rude to him wasn't really necessary. But, she's also 15 so regardless of her ADHD, if she is capable of being rude to an adult then she's old enough not to run away when they want an apology.

The OP said herself that his advice wasn’t bad. There was no goading. While I can understand her frustration with not getting an open ear it is sadly something we all have/ had to learn. The same goes for insulting people because there are consequences for your actions.
It’s quite astonishing how the parents are supposed to be accept shit behaviour while the 15 year okd’s behaviour is being condoned.