To have taken DD’s side?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

Genuinely looking for how you might have handled this as can see how it could have played out differently.

DD 15. Diagnosed ADHD. In middle of revising for her GCSEs. Was having a friendship issue yesterday with one of her oldest and closest friends. Was handling it ok but not getting response she was looking for from friend and was frustrated and emotional. Came downstairs to ask me for advIce. DH is on sofa. Not long back from work. Hasn’t been involved in conversations to this point and doesn’t tend to get involved in DDs ‘dramas’. As she’s talking to me he tells her she should just leave it. That she’s escalating things and should drop it (not terrible advice tbf). She gets upset saying ‘I’m not asking you , you don’t know what’s going on’ he repeats ‘leave it’ a few times but not in a particularly engaged way. DD starts crying. DH says ‘there’s no need to get upset’ DD gets up to leave the room and mutters ‘prick’ under her breath as she leaves (she has never sworn in front of or at either of us before).

DH roars ‘what did you say?’. DD runs upstairs in full tears. DH chases after her and gets really in her face on the landing shouting ‘what did you say? Say it to my face! You do not get to call me that’. At which point I go upstairs and intervene - DD goes into her room. DH is stil fuming. I tell him to calm down and stop making this about him (not helpful I know). I then go in and calm down DD. I listen to her for a bit and I do tell her that it’s not acceptable to say that to her dad and that she shouldn’t take her anger out on him.

I then go back downstairs where DH is scrolling on his phone. I leave it 5 mins and then say ‘are we going to talk about this?’ He says ‘what, the fact that you’re ok with DD calling me a prick?’ I say ‘No, about how you could have handled that differently and how it’s not acceptable that she called you that but your response wasn’t what she needed from you at that moment and you could have just let the whole situation defuse and then talked to he about it when you were both calm?’. He says ‘I’ve given up expecting you to support me on anything and I’m not having this conversation’ and goes to bed. He left for work that morning without saying goodbye (although he did still make me a coffee). I feel rinsed today and am wondering if he’s right and I should have just let it play out between them? What would you have done?

I remember reading somewhere ages ago '“A child needs your love most when they deserve it least.” (googled - Erma Bombeck).

Plus I am on your DD's side anyway - your DP acted like a prick.

I would have done same as you. Your ‘D’H is wrong.

If she wanted to speak privately to her mother she should have done it in private. In a family room the family present are entitled to join in. The OP agreed it wasn't bad advice.

He didn't just say leave it, he explained she was escalating things and should let it drop. Presumably he heard what the issue was and that was his advice.

Urgh. Iv adhd kids and a dh who flares like this (also likely adhd).

I usually go with. Yes dh they shouldn't have called you a prick but it's not appropriate to go and scream like that either, your the adult. He goes and sulks. Gets over it and we move on. Then we have another discussion about how he can handle emotional adhd teens more calmly. And yep I have thrown at me - you never take my side and I usually say nope not when your being an ass

I don't think her dad was goading her - he seemed to be giving sensible advice based on what he'd heard. Not sure he needed the whole backstory - maybe friendship dramas are a regular thing and 'least said, soonest mended' isn't the worst advice!

Calling him a prick was not on. I'm not convinced she can tell her dad to effectively mind his own business, if he's saying something she doesn't want to hear but is giving sound advice. He's her dad and I think he wanted to help her.

Yes, he went way ott in his response but I think a lot of people would get really angry if their teenager called them a prick, when they were just trying to help.

Both parents are coming at this from different angles - mum wants to listen to the feelings and let dd vent and dad wants to fix the problem.

How on earth can any of what happened stem from op 'getting involved in friend stuff'. One issue really has no relevance to the other issue. In future let's all not talk to our kids about their friend stuff in case child calls their dad a prick. And it sounds like an ongoing issue to you? What sounds like an on going issue ? The friends not getting along or the daughter swearing at her dad?

I don't think her dad was goading her - he seemed to be giving sensible advice based on what he'd heard. Repeatedly saying 'leave it' is not sensible advice. It bagatellises the problem. It's essentially 'just ignore it', repeated over and over in an incapability to understand that other people have feelings which are not so easily switched off.

Then he tells her 'there's no need to be upset' when she is upset, which is even more dismissive. It's not like if the child gets something wrong and the parent says 'there's no need to be upset, we can soon fix this'; it's the child being upset and the parent saying 'this doesn't matter, you being upset doesn't matter, why are you not just happy and agreeable like a little doll' sort of answer. He was unpleasantly dismissive of her throughout.

He's making it clear that she can't rely on him for emotional support for things that bother her in life, and that he will interfere in her attempts to get emotional support from her mother.

They are both very much in the wrong.
She would not get away with calling a future boss a prick (even if he was one) if something was going on in her personal life, and he should not be so aggressive.

He only repeated leave it when she was rude to him. He was quite possibly telling her to leave it before she said anything even ruder which she duly did.

She shouldn't have called him a prick, and he shouldn't have been being deliberately unhelpful like that when she was clearly distressed. Why say the same thing over and over in the same way when clearly she's not taking it in.

Genuinely shocked that there are posters who genuinely believe that:

Muttering 'prick'

Physically intimidating, shouting and aggressive language back

Worse than that, that it's acceptable for an adult man to lose his temper in such an explosive way at anyone over something so minor?? If DD had deliberately crashed his car into a tree and laughed in his face about it, maybe, but over muttering 'prick'??
God, no wonder we still see men fighting in the streets like children, if we think thats an acceptable way for adults to behave over minor infractions.

She should apologise for calling him a prick
He should apologise for behaving so appallingly.

I would never have sworn AT either of my parents like OPs daughter did, but I did, at 15, say 'fucks sake' under my breath after a very minor spat with my dad, and he did exactly what the OPs husband did. The fact that he (like my dad) immediately had a go at OP for not 'backing him up' instead of being able to calm down, recognise he MASSIVELY OVERREACTED and be horrified, means that he, like my dad, is incredibly emotionally immature and it's part of wider behaviour.
I don't have a good relationship with my dad and am petrified of conflict/raised voices, which has led to me being emotionally abused in relationships, because I people pleased endlessly to keep the peace. If you met him, you'd think he was great. He says all the right things ABOUT his kids, but he was never interested in learning what was the right way to say things TO his kids, he just thought he knew best, despite not getting any positive reinforcement of those beliefs back.

I agree with you.

There's a few replies on here where the posters have a DC that has ADHD and also where the DH/DF has it too but they seem to have to hold their tongue as they're the adult so should just let it go, in this incident being called a dick.

My question, and a genuine one is how does the DC know when it's time to stop being the one who's allowed to have the "dramas" and transition over to using adult behaviour?
If that makes sense.

Well if you read the op she did say the dad didn't agree with the mum getting involved in friendship issues. I don't think how it escalated was right he was definitely in the wrong.

I'd have told DD not to be rude when she first said "I'm not asking you" to him and told her if she only wanted my input we should talk in another room.

I'd have thought her calling him a prick was totally unacceptable and would have let her go, but made sure to address that later.

I'd have found him chasing and shouting in her face completely unacceptable. But would have told him that in fewer words than you did, and wouldn't have tried to disguise it as a 'conversation' or used euphemisms about 'not being what she needed from him'. I'd have said straight out that following and shouting at her was completely unacceptable and that I wouldn't sit by and let that happen again.

I'd have felt just as rinsed as you afterwards OP as there is little worse than being in the middle trying to keep the peace in these situations, when there is fault on both sides. But most importantly I'd want to feel confident he didn't display aggression to DD again.

Disgusting word to call her father, he shouldn’t have chased her but I would have been furious too.

You said yourself he was right to tell her to leave it re. Friendship drama. Teenage friendship issues and whining can be torturous to listen to, he was probably sick of her. Maybe focus on getting her new hobbies or pals instead of stewing on this drama.

He can't handle his teen child mumbling 'prick' under her breath while storming off after being given dismissive nonsense advice?
Well it's only gonna get more awkward. She can and will call him much worse if he has these mad overreactions.

Wrong on all sides here.

your dd was talking in a family/public space in front of her father. She may not have “asked” for his advice, and is free to decide not to act on it, but she is not free to decide who can and cannot speak in a public area. Offering her advice- which op said was not bad advice either- is not “goading” her.

If you have these sorts of conversations in a family area in front of both parents it is not surprising that you may get an opinion or advice from both parents. No need to be rude- “I wasn’t asking you”, in those circumstances is rude, IMO. My suspicion is that she did not hear what she wanted to from him, so got more wound up. it might have been better if he had taken the hint and not repeated my advice- but I probably would have pulled her up on her behaviour. I would have been irritated in his shoes too. I suspect if she had kept talking about it- and possibly being quite dramatic with it- possibly got on his nerves a bit more, hence saying “just leave it” a few more times. Whilst he should have risen above it, I understand why it could happen. Wrong, but not worthy of being called a prick.

I would not tolerate my child calling me a prick. Just as I would not call them names. Or my husband (or grandparent etc) rude names in front of them. There would be swift consequences for that behaviour- however “justified” she might have felt.

I don’t think he was wrong to be angry, or yo confront her and suggest she repeat the insult to his face. He was wrong to get in her face and shout at her.

I wonder if OP needs to look at the balance between being supportive and calming her daughter down vs letting bad behaviour slide.
Maybe it is all down to her husband not be in no tolerant/handling things wrong. Or maybe op does tend to be too tolerant/understanding and allows dd to go to far/doesn’t support her husband enough. We can’t say, but perhaps a sit down with her DH to listen to how he feels, share how she sees it and then try to move forward, is what is needed here.

I'm on DH side, she was disrespectful. Since when was shouting so terrible?

Sounds like you always take your DD side.

Well said.

She wasn't rude, she was factual. She was discussing a situation with her mum and he was the one interfering. She told him that he doesn't know what's happened, as he hasn't been involved in the conversations.

Getting in someone's face and shout at them is shit parenting.

The guy wound his daughter up, got a reaction and then went completely overboard.

My parents used to do the same to me, going completely off the rails over the most stupid and trivial of things. Guess who doesn't have much of a relationship with me in adulthood?

Since when have you needed to leave a room to have a one on one conversation with someone?

Dd was wrong for calling him a prick but any apology he was owed flew out the window when he reacted like that just how far would he have gone?

Well your DH was a prick so she wasn’t wrong.
Next time your DH is upset just tell him to leave it and see how he feels.

DH is an adult and should better than to overreact and I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour from a grown up. Maybe he can do with some angry management/ parenting classes.

As an adult he should’ve of remained calm and spoke to her after she had managed to calm down. Demonstrating how to behave as an adult. Although you only have to walk into a supermarket to see that a lot of adults don’t know how to behave.

Also it’s not pandering to your child it’s called treating them with a bit of respect and like another human being so they grow up knowing how to treat others.

Well, she's not wrong, is she? He is a prick.

There's never a good reason for a grown man to run after a distressed teenage girl and roar into her face.

She needs protecting from him, and I suspect you do as well.