To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

Okay? I'm not sure what that has to do with what my reaction would be if my DH wanting to ask my parents for money

So many people have kids for their own selfish reasons.

@AmITheGrabbyDIL Why can't you move back to where you came from where you didn't have those issues? Sounds like a no brainer to me.

Or is your life just unaffordable? Many pp chose not to have kids because of this, or stopped at 1.

Yep, I don't disagree. But I also don't think it's selfish to want to enjoy your retirement years with holidays etc. either. Being a parent doesn't mean being expected to sacrifice everything until the day you die.

Why not ask for it as a loan with interest.. there's nothing rich people like more than more money.. you may find if they have money sitting around doing nothing then they'd consider that as a business like decision and take personal feelings out of it.

You could also get lucky and they say yes, but as a gift instead??

Please don't feel shitty and useless- it's not worth comparing yourselves to others- my son has a 3 bed semi a very nice one in a very cheap midlands town (not one people usually rush too) and cost about £185,000 a year ago

Something similar where I live would be around £480,000 .

So that's a difference of say a £20k deposit and a £50k deposit- and that's presuming your income would substantiate a £400k mortgage as opposed to say a £160k mortgage.

There is no way I could ever persuade my H to move to where he is though - everyone's circumstances are different and reasons for living where they do. It's a different think needing £20k deposits to suddenly needing £70k as an example .

Reading so many posts from parents who clearly think their job is done once their kid turns 18 and is booted out of the family home, and CBA to have anything further to do with them or their grandkids, I do wonder why so many people bother to have kids at all.

I think it is probably nonsense that your mum bought a place on a part time salary.

As I said, we were both working full time in fairly good jobs and could not get a big enough mortgage to buy a very small house 40 miles from where we were working. We had to carry on saving in order to put a bigger deposit down. Our house cost £20,500 in 1981

It isn't. She did. I just had a look at RightMove and a comparable house in the estate she bought from is now worth £245K - roughly 15 times what she paid for it. You couldn't buy that on a part-time dentist's salary now. I suppose it's possible my grandparents helped her with the deposit though.

What's tired tabloid nonsense is that kids today are lazy arses who are too busy with their flash cars and smartphones to save any money and want everything new though - if it was, Vinted wouldn't be so massive. And as for cars - have you seen what the insurance is like for young people? No wonder they can't afford to save up for house deposits. But every generation has looked down on the ones that come after them, it's nothing new.

Op you are not entitled. You came to a public forum to ask for opinions and there have been a range of those. I would talk with PIL about your situation and the desire to be loaned a housing deposit. If they watch news/read news they are not oblivious
to housing crisis. If MIL is packing her suitcase and Fil checking his watch while you are trying to have a fact based open discussion then you have your answer. If they want to help this IS their opportunity. This way if you do move they will not be able to say…..we had no idea!!! Also consider coming to the USA. The Midwest. Not those big cities you hear about but the Midwest. I guarantee you will find rentals and homes. Solid homes garages big yards(gardens) neighbors and friends. And jobs. Do not move to a tent city. Your health your dc health will be impacted. You must find another solution for your dc

I wouldn't ask for money no. But I would sit them down all serious, tell them the score and say I wanted to ask a massive favour. Would they be willing to store some furniture for you and if it comes to it, come over a couple of times a week for a shower/laundry until back on feet. Just for the hell of it or would they take the kids instead of taking them to a tent

In reality there is no sense in staying close to these people. The universe is telling you this. I'm sorry man, I hope something comes up to take away your stress. It must be horrendous

It sounds extremely grabby because it is well at least quite grabby. Ask if you like but if they say no dont be too surprised.

I wouldn’t ask anyone for a gift of money, no!

I don’t see the problem in asking for a loan to buy a house as long as there is a clear repayment plan.

Ah, the "I didn't ask to be born" argument. OP is an adult with children of her own (who also didn't ask to be born), I think she's a bit too old to play that card like a stroppy teenager.

They SHOULD give you a deposit, and they may well be intending to do that, but you can't ask, especially if your partner has said not to.

I'm assuming you're in Ireland. It'd be faster and easier to just move back to the UK than to try to find something on any kind of budget there. I know someone in Dublin who rents out a flat they inherited and their tenant gave notice and the agent had a new tenant for another 100 a month ONE HOUR later - she never even advertised it, just went to her waiting list. It's hopeless.

In your shoes I would be thinking that you have two options - a) move back to England and cut your losses now and b) they give you the deposit to stay in Ireland.

Within the next few days I would probably get your husband on board and just tell them out straight what has happened with your landlord, and that finding another rental in Ireland is not practical right now (unless they are members of a hermetic religious order, they know what the situation is), nor can you come up with a deposit on a house, given how much of your resources have gone into childcare since you moved there, and you have decided to move back to England.

Leave it with them for a week. If they've been intending to help you, then they will do so. If they haven't, then back home it is.

They don't want to be a part of your lives in the way you had hoped. You have absolutely zero responsibility to stay in penury living down the road from them. You've done nothing wrong at all. You did everything right, and it's not your fault at ALL that it hasn't worked out. They SHOULD help you, but I don't think they will.

I think the issue with loans is they can really quickly cause bad blood if the borrower can no longer afford the repayments, or if the lender finds themselves in difficulty in the future because of said loan.

While the idea of a loan is less "grabby" it's also potentially really problematic if it goes wrong down the line.

I agree the loan is terrible idea. Let's say they are given the loan. Now they have the loan to pay as well as housing and all the expenses of moving house. If anything it will cause more financial stress.

I wouldn’t bother because they don’t sound likely to say yes, but FWIW I don’t think it would be grabby or entitled to ask - that’s the world we live in now, housing for so many is unaffordable and renting is ridiculous. We only managed to buy because my mum lent us money, I would absolutely do the same for my kids if I could in future. If I were you, I’d move away. They don’t care about having you down the road, they don’t sound like particularly nice people, go live your own lives somewhere you’ll be happier x

I’m a parent of adult children and I understand how hard it is for young families. I also lived in difficult circumstances as a teenager and would NEVER want my relatives to live with the fear of homelessness like I did.

Most parents never stop worrying about their children, no matter how old they are. I’d willingly forgo holidays if it meant my children and future grandchildren had a secure roof over their head. Family is everything.

I think you should ask. You can help them to understand that if you had a secure roof over your head, it also means your parents have a place to stay when they visit.

It sounds like asking would be a brave thing to do. Never feel like a failure for asking for help.

Could ask for a loan, and actually pay it back (and to their estate if they die).

Could give them exact % ownership and give that % back when you sell or upgrade.

if there are siblings of DH, there may be perceived “fairness” issue.

if you approach them professionally, about a business loan, or interest in investment, they may be more amenable

Yes, I know of several cases among friends where the repayments to the parents stopped rather quickly once the house was bought. I question whether there was ever any real intention to repay.

This thread has been playing on my mind since I replied earlier (saying how inheritance tax effective it is for the PIL to help now assuming they live 7 years).

I am astonished at the tone of the replies. The OP’s children may become homeless and people are criticising her for asking a simple question of people who seem self-obsessed and may not realise that their son and grandchildren are close to the breadline. I’d beg on the street personally to prevent that.

Perhaps people on Mumsnet say things they don’t mean because I’m hoping society is not as messed up as it seems from this thread.

@UneTasse it might be Ireland but could also be Australia - it’s tough in the cities including Melbourne.

It's one thing for the OP's OH to ask as it is his parents but I think out of order for her to ask when they are not even close.

I do get that she is desperate but that may not sway the parents in law anyway. They have lived in whatever country for 5 years not managing to save enough for a deposit. They moved there supposedly to have a better life but how did they intend for that to happen when they had to rent and renting is always a risk in any country because rents can go up, landlords can sell etc.

They chose to have 2 children although they did not own a home and even though if I were the parents I would help I would not be impressed at them having children before buying a property and just not thinking things through

It's just Mumsnet, which only bears a passing resemblance to reality for most people. Mumsnet appears to be full of resentful parents of adult children who are outraged at the concept of helping said adult children out in any way.