To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

So people who rent are irresponsible if they have kids?! Blimey. It's kind of going down a eugenics road, suggesting that only homeowners AKA reasonably wealthy people should have children.

Why not ask for a loan and offer to pay them back when your equity has increased, this could be done during subsequent remortgages. It would help you contain your living costs. They can always say no!

Sydney is officially one of the most expensive cities in the world for housing. It’s in no way affordable for people on average incomes.

That aside, Sydney isn’t the whole country. Rental vacancies are below 1% in some cities, so even if you’re willing to move to a cheaper area, there are literally no properties to be had. It’s not being called a housing crisis for nothing.

The OP’s children may become homeless and people are criticising her for asking a simple question of people who seem self-obsessed and may not realise that their son and grandchildren are close to the breadline.

I really don't think that asking someone for thousands of pounds towards a deposit counts as a "simple question".

Wow!

many of them have been helping non stop and continue to do so! But surely, comes a point and a limit.

Expectations and location may well have to be reconsidered. We grew up in SW London but moved to the Midlands to train. So were able to buy a very modest home which we renovated ourselves on top of our busy jobs, and furnished with hand me downs and second hand mismatches. And then again move location in the Midlands to be able to buy a slightly better one, and slowly, slowly replace old bits and bobs. We would have loved to go back to SW London, but this was NOT going to happen, as the price of our 3.5 detached house would not even buy us a small flat further South, and even less in Putney!!!

Maybe they have, but every single thread like this is a virtual pile-on from MNs calling the OP 'entitled' for asking for money/childcare/attention/anything from the parents. As has happened here, despite the fact the OP is clearly feeling vulnerable and desperate. Still I'm sure a bunch of angry pearl-clutchers telling her how 'grabby' she is will help with her imminent homelessness situation.

Do you have parents OP, if so do you expect them to help with a deposit also?

Why do you see helping children with giving them money different than any other form of help?

I am not "obliged" to help my children, it is just something that I am happy to do. No one asked me to have children.

It’s not even her parents. And her husband doesn’t want to. She’s not even wanting a loan. She just wants them to actually give her thousands and thousands for a deposit. Says it was hee first thought when she hears they were downsizing, that they would have cash.

If that’s not grabby what is.

For many it is. You are in the minority at the minute.

Please provide evidence she’s in the minority as my expensive is the same as the posters.

This is gonna be a harsh post. It's just devil's advocate stuff, to help the OP see things from a different POV, and maybe address them if any of the points hit a sore spot.

Imagine another thread on MN

SELFISH KIDS FOLLOWED US HALFWAY ROUND THE WORLD TRYING TO EXTRACT OUR LIFETIME SAVINGS FROM US.

We are a couple in our late 60s with plenty of life left in us. We emigrated to Australia once our kids were established (or so we thought). For clarity, the kids have good jobs. We've never been particularly interested in the GC although we like to see them every so often. We love travelling and prioritise this above spending money on many other areas of our life.

To our horror, my DS and his wife have also emigrated to live near us, and seemed to expect us to do loads of childcare for them. Wouldn't you think they would have discussed this with us, or at least made provision for childcare, before taking such a big step as emigrating? But no, they seem to be the epitome of whinging poms, expecting free childcare from us. We have refused the majority of these requests.

We know there's a rental crisis going on in Oz (there's one in the UK as well, I believe!). It's been obvious that this has been coming for a while, but of course the kids didn't realise this, and their rent is now going up.

Alongside this, we are moving to a smaller property. A friend has now warned us that our kids are likely to come sniffing around for any 'spare' money that we have lying around. Do MNers honestly think that we should prioritise giving money to improvident kids over spending it enjoying the remainder of our lives?

We might be prepared to lend them some money if they were a bit more upfront with us and showed some financial responsibility. We could even imagine a scenario where we lent them money for a deposit (which I understand is their current problem) at a rate of interest which is what we might expect on our savings but would be less than they'd have to pay on a mortgage. But at the moment they don't even seem to have thought of drawing up a budget for anything as sensible as this.

No way are we handing over our lifetime savings or any part of it as a gift to kids who haven't demonstrated any financial sense! Are we BU?

They moved there knowing the situation and how much renting would cost them, along with how hard it would be to find a rental.

OP could ask her own parents for some money. Or they could move back to the UK. They could have discussed childcare with the PiL before moving, instead of assuming then realising it wouldn’t be offered and being annoyed at having to pay for childcare.

They made their own choices. It isn’t her PiLs fault.

Why is there a section of society who think parents and in-laws should give money to their grown up children . Stop trying to convince yourself you should get hand outs .
You're a pair of grown ups act like it .

Why do you see helping children with giving them money different than any other form of help?

I never said I did @LondonFox

To clarify my earlier post, what I meant was that most people don't have thousands of pounds lying around to help their DC with housing costs, so (IMO) it's a pretty huge deal to ask for that kind of gift. Especially when (as in OP's case) the people you're asking aren't even your own parents!

I agree with PP’s saying that if they ask for a loan, all the expectations need to be figured out from the outset.

My DH is American and university is extremely expensive in the US. My FIL has four children so I don’t know how much he lent them in total, but he lent my DH $20K in the mid-1990’s (about $40K) and his older sister $30K around 1990 ($72K today).

DH paid his off with interest five years after he graduated; his sister paid hers off in abut 8 years. No idea about the other siblings.

Thwir Dad was clear that they needed to make regular payments, but if they were having a rough time, e.g., got made redundant, car broke down, etc., he’d freeze the loan until they were back on their financial feet. Everything was carefully documented in spreadsheets so everyone knew where they stood.

No average renter (or just average person who requires housing) could have foreseen the current housing crisis when they moved five years ago.

Posters on this thread either have no clue or are being deliberately goady.

Rents have literally doubled in the last two years.

@TribeofFfive this is very area dependent- and not everyone can or wishes to up sticks to where they know no one

No, nothing wrong with renting and having children if that's what you want to do but this couple want to own a house. They now can't save because their rent is too high plus the expense of 2 children. That is not very sensible is it?

I don't think you come across as entitled or grabby OP, just disappointed and a bit desperate which, under the circumstances, is quite a reasonable way to feel. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I don't think there is anything wrong with your DH asking. What's the worst that can happen? They say no. It doesn't sound like there is much to lose in terms of the relationship with them as it is. Good luck OP.

No average renter (or just average person who requires housing) could have foreseen the current housing crisis when they moved five years ago.

Maybe not, but it's still not the in-laws job to provide them with a house deposit.

It wasn't like this 5 years ago when they moved here.

She's not asking her parents though, she's asking her PIL's. Nothing stopping her asking her own parents.

I doubt they will give you anything, why don't you move back to the country you were living in before, that place sounds awful and you don't get the help you wanted anyway.

Also nothing wrong with asking, if you don't ask you don't get, but I doubt you will get.
Also I would be tempted to move to a different country away from them.