To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

Unfortunately in this day and age its impossible to save up for a deposit, let alone actually buy one.

I can’t believe people are giving you such a hard time @AmITheGrabbyDIL just for trying to keep a roof over your kids heads.
mumsnet used to be so supportive - now it’s like a bit by race to the bottom for some.
i bet the same people would be giving you a hard time for not asking for help if you ended up in a tent with your kids. Some people just come on here to have a go. I feel sorry for people whose lives are so sad that they have to make themselves feel good by tearing others down.

of course your husband should ask! Any decent parent would expect to be asked in such dire situation. The worst they can say is no. Then at least you know where you stand and can make an informed choice about how to move forward.

good luck! You must be so worried about your housing situation. Everyone should have a safe and affordable home - the world has gone mad x

@coffeeandcake91 I mean, it's not impossible because people do it. That's not to say it's not bloody hard, though.

But imo, regardless of how difficult it is, it's not up to your parents to make sacrifices for you forever. They also have a retirement to fund and their own lives to live, and I genuinely can't imagine expecting my parents to sacrifice (even some of) their holidays just to help me out. I especially wouldn't expect it of my in-laws.

If they offered, that would be different.

Well we still had to struggle when we had the house because of interest rates going up then up again then up again and again and again.

All the youngsters I know that have bought a property sneered at the thought of secondhand and even when supposedly saving hard still had holidays, ran a nice car, had an upto date phone etc.

I didn’t actually say we should be living on hand me downs. But if my offspring were really struggling to get on the housing ladder, especially with my grandchildren in a precarious living situation, and I was in a privileged position where I could help, I would. It’s bizarre to me that anyone would argue it’s reasonable to think otherwise.

It’s not grabby to ask for help from your parents(PIL) if they can help you keep a roof over your kid’s heads.

And I would be pissed if my children were worried about being made homeless and not asking me to help them.
Also, I would be very sad I am not close enough with them to know their struggles amd offer help myself.

I cannot believe how selfish some of you are.
You decided to have a child. It does not stop being your child once they are 16, 18, 25 or whatever number you picked.
Helping family is normal.
Just don't go around crying how old people are alone in few years.

It's very very very difficult for a single person to save up for a deposit. Very difficult. Especially if you're not paid your worth. A couple with decent salary's is another story.

No it's not up to parents to pay the deposit, but no harm in asking, and in this day and age either inheriting a property, or money, or a parent lending you money is the way people are able to afford getting on the housing ladder.

If you go on rightmove or zoopla the houses on there are not even worth the amount they're asking for. It's shocking. Unless you move to a horrible area where you likely dont want to raise kids.

Anecdotal nonsense.

It was far, far easier to buy a house in the 70s/80s than it is now. My mum bought one for £16K in 1978 on a part-time dentist's salary.

I really believe family should help family, I don't think it's entitled to believe this.

However ultimately, you say you moved to this country for a better life. Were your calculations off, or, as I suspect, has the housing situation massively worsened since you decided to move? I know you also said you expected more help with children from your PiL but that can't be the only factor that makes the cost of living there painfully high.

My point is that you probably have to take your PIL out the equation and just figure out how to make the best life for your family. If generally your lives are better for the move, then focus on that. If they're not maybe you should move back!

Tbh I'd probs still see if PIL could help but you clearly can't bank on it. I'd consider the above, and then talk to them about it. Explain how much you are struggling, the challenges with housing etc and if it means you do end up considering another move, tell them that, too. Don't exaggerate to blackmail them but they're family, you should be able to speak to them about the challenges you're facing. If they then want to offer help, they can.

@AmITheGrabbyDIL

I would never have asked my iLs for money. I might suggest to DH that he ask as they're his parents but I wouldn't push him. I know I wouldn't have appreciated him asking my parents for money, especially if it were over my objections.

If it's gotten so unaffordable where you are now, have you considered going back to where you lived prior to moving? You moved for the children to be near grandparents, but it appears that's not accomplishing anything, so why stay?

Impossible? Seriously? My husband and I are 33 and we bought without help. All our friends and family of our age own property. How on earth can you say it’s “impossible”

PS I really can't understand some of the attitudes on here. The idea that we should all be so selfish as to watch our family members suffer while we fly around on luxurious holidays is honestly monstrous to me; the idea that to question that is to be selfish or grabby is wild. Kin should care for kin - and it goes both ways.

If I was in dire straits and my parents could afford to help me, I know they would.

Equally if I have to give my time and money to pay for their care in their old age etc, I will!

When did everyone become so awfully selfish...

With the way property inheritance is increasing the wealth gap in nations like the UK and Australia it will not be long before very genuinely the only way to own property will be to inherit it. (Unless serious policy interventions are made, that is.) Just as has been for most of history. People pretending otherwise are naive.

I don’t think there’s any harm asking for a loan, that’s very different to a gift.

My FIL lent his children money for university and charged interest. His argument was that it was his retirement savings so he needed to make money on it. I wouldn’t personally charge interest, but at least they got the money when they needed it.

Why not look at a setting up a Trust to loan the family money, they still have control but you have the money

You're quite dismissive of people who dont live in a joint income household. Like ive said it's very very difficult for a single person on a not so great salary to save for a deposit. Be a bit mindful and count yourself lucky.

It is out of reach for a lot of young working people. Esp if you’re single and need to live in certain areas of the country for work.

@margolyes I just checked out 2 bed units in Crows Nest ( a nice suburb close to the city) with a max payment of $750pw and 94 properties came up in the immediate vicinity

And how many people are competing for these? My friend definitely not telling fibs🤯, as I accompanied her on the odd weekend I had nothing to do as her and her DH generally had to split up as viewings for different places were on at same time or overlapped with travel. There were instances I was standing with her in a queue of people that went down street and started going around the block. There were way more than 96 people in the queues I saw with her so how does that help the rest of them?

I think asking your in laws for money is asking for trouble TBH.If they say No it makes it awkward .If yes they will always be looking over your shoulder if you buy a new frock / car/ things for DC .Have a takeout or holiday .Many older people take the view that they have struggled so why shouldnt you? I agree they sound tight and unfeeling ,however there are those that say maybe even a 1 bed flat in a rough area ,would be a step on the ladder and give security .It is unwise to have DC if you have an insecure set up.Lots get a leg on the ladder before DC .

This is what you said…

Unfortunately in this day and age its impossible to save up for a deposit, let alone actually buy one.

Nothing about a single person in that post. You seem bitter.

No it's not up to parents to pay the deposit, but no harm in asking

See, I don't agree that there's "no harm in asking" @coffeeandcake91, especially when you're not even going to be asking your own parents.

I'll be honest, if DH wanted to ask my parents for money, I'd think he was a right grabby fucker, lol, especially if he hasn't mentioned asking his own parents first.

33, like I said in my first post 🙄 maybe your reading ability has something to do with your inability to buy a home.

@LondonFox but equally, I don't believe that having children means you're obliged to help them until the day you die, especially when that "help" is in the form of giving them thousands of pounds for a house deposit.

I don't have any parents