To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

There’s no harm in asking, your DH should ask though. Be prepared for them to say no as it doesn’t sound as though they will say yes.

Are you happy where you live now? Would you consider moving back to your home country?

Awww @AmITheGrabbyDIL I feel bad for you.

Normally I would say don’t even think of asking but I’m not sure you have anything to lose in this instance. You’ve had some good advice: just tell them you’re going to have to move as can’t afford rent hike and can’t afford a deposit.

Moving is expensive though, are you sure you couldn’t manage the rent hike if you cut back massively on spending? Apologies if you already explained that you couldn’t…I only read the first page.

edited to add: oops sorry £400 extra is a LOT!!
Best of luck!

Well I guess @Meadowfinch and my adult children are outliers. I would absolutely give them money for a deposit if I had it, but I don’t. And they all supported themselves at university by working.

Plenty of us youngsters buy second hand, go without holidays etc. still can't seem to save enough for a deposit. 🤔

They do sound particularly tight fisted. I've never liked tight people. And I so often find that it is those with more money (and not due to saving, more to spend) that are that way. I think it's ingrained and usually go with other less desirable characteristics.

Anyway, I'd explain the situation, that you moved as you thought you wanted to see more of the GC and that it's impossible to survive with the rent going up and no possibility to save up.

Ask if they would be able to contribute the deposit against a stake in the house, which you would pay back at the time of selling (which may not happen in their life time)?

Move back to your original country and stop trying to live there - the PIL clearly don't want you or their gc in their lives. Choose somewhere to move to where you can afford to live.

I wouldn't ask them for a big cash gift, no. They clearly aren't very nice people and there is no good outcome if you ask - either they say yes and then make your life hell or they say no and constantly use the fact that you asked as a criticism.

Bully for you, you make it sound like a Monty Python sketch.

You've ignored the fact that when you bought, at least saving for a house deposit was achievable. Everybody cuts stuff out when they are saving for something, and no matter what you think of ' youngsters today' they are definitely prepared for a bit of hardship, just not year after sodding year to save what equates to a year and halves wages.

I can't believe we have a generation that thinks youngsters struggling to get on the property ladder now is down to a general character flaw in them, rather than the cost of living crisis and huge % of deposit needed to buy.

Genuinely intrigued by the amount of people suggesting they move back to their home country. They both have full time stable jobs- will that be easy to get if they move? Then they'll have no house or jobs. Most countries are really struggling with rental and housing crises at the moment; why would they be any better off if they moved back?

Can you move back to the country you were living in before?

I can't believe that your first thought was gift rather than loan tbh.

Taking the GPs out of the equation, you moved for a better quality of life.

It doesn't seem to have happened so time to take stock & make some decisions!

What? You’re an adult. Why should they give you money from their house sale? It’s up to them what they spend their money on. Earn your own money!

100% this - although it also 100% explains why the Tories keep winning elections!

What did your house cost and what were you earning then?

This is an interesting visual to show how just how stuffed youngsters are now when I comes to getting on the housing ladder.

Ask them for a loan. All they can do is say no.

Not to sideline the purpose of this thread but wanted to say well done to @Meadowfinch , and say that when I bought my first house in the early 1980s it was with a deposit I saved in exactly the same way. Things really haven’t changed so very much.

I've got a friend who did this too. We both had a baby at the same time in 2003 and she bought this absolute wreck of a house. They lived in one room so they didn't have to heat it and when her son learnt to walk they had just taken up the floorboards so he couldn't walk anywhere. Every time we went to the park or something she would be going for a radiator valve on the way home. Now twenty years later she's living in this amazing detached house.

I am glad you have decided not co ask them sa it is their choice. I have helped my children buy but that was my choice - I will work until I die and have no pension other than state but was happy to suffer that to help the next generation. Not all parents are the same and in English law there is no obligation to leave your family anything (but a right to challenge some but not all estates).

May be talk to them about inheritance tax - I am not sure if they are subject to non dom tax rules, the new changes in those rules or if they are taxed in the UK on UK assets and may have IHT to pay at death but a lot of grandparents are keen to avoid paying 40% of everything they have almost to the state when they die so may be open to putting assets in trust for their grandchildren rather than a son's wife who might divorce him and take their money.

I think you said you came from abroad. May be go back to the original country in that case as things may be easier in terms of housing costs and the UK is getting very crowded. Quite a lot of people have gone back to various places for cheaper housing.

I find it SO ODD that people think it’s perfectly reasonable for older generations to hoard wealth and not pass some of it down if the can. I actually think it is the responsibility of older generations of a family to help their offspring with something as basic as housing if they can, esp you lucked out on buying cheap houses that are now worth 10x what you paid for them.
You can’t take it to the grave. Your PIL are selfish and individualistic and this is entirely normal/encouraged in our society.

Your DH should ask, but expect a no. YANBU.

@AmITheGrabbyDIL

It's crazy not to ask.

Right now you have no deposit.
If you ask, you might still have no deposit, but there is a small chance they might say yes.

Suggest it as a loan, or if DH has siblings, to be offset against potential future inheritance.

I'd tell them in advance you would like to talk through your finances and struggles to raise a deposit, then ask to meet.

You've got nothing to lose!

This is so grabby, all wealth is ultimate passed down after taxes. As adults we should be able to provide for ourselves and any help is a bonus. Not stuck out hand out wanting it.

I think the decision lies with your DH and if he wants to ask then it’s for him to have that conversation with his parents

@savoycabbage I admit, ds did up-end a 5ltr pot of emulsion once, when I took my eye of him for a moment 😀 I didn't make that mistake again !!

Jesus Christ, no one is suggesting they give up their holidays but maybe they could miss out on one ot two or take slightly more modest holidays for a couple of years or you know NOT FLY BUSINESS CLASS. It is not either or!

If my parents were lucky enough to be able to afford business class flights I'd think "bloody good for them" not "they should make sacrifices for me".

I genuinely can't believe some of the attitudes on here - there is no way on this planet I would go to my in-laws and ask them for money to buy a house 😳

They sound very similar to my parents. They became very travel focused after retirement and exceptionally self-absorbed. Any time they were at home they were miserably tight-fisted about everything, on a diet, unhappy with everything. They couldn't have been less interested in us and the grandchildren. They would only visit us on the the way to the airport (meet up in a pub on their route). After a few years I discovered they were still stopping off in my town on the way to the airport but could no longer be arsed to even tell us they were coming, they'd just have lunch on their own.

It is absolutely not your fault. You have to ask yourself, did THEIR parents have 20 years plus of 5 star travel and fully funded retirement? Will their children have 20 years of fully funded retirement and five star travel? (maybe if you inherit their unspent wealth eventually but that will be too late to help your current housing crisis and there's every possibility they spend the the lot on themselves). It has always been hard to buy a house (so those who scrimped in the 80s or did up houses in the 90s and 00s it takes nothing away from your achievements) but it is now virtually impossible to do so without help. That is because several windfalls have fallen into the laps of the in-laws' generation and have emphatically NOT been passed down.

If you are genuinely out on the street you probably owe it to your children to get DH to ask his parents for money. It sucks though and they might refuse to help.

I think there's no harm in asking them (prepare yourself for the "no") but also how about addressing it like a loan with the intention of paying them back?
This is if you really are in need to move.

I can't believe we have a generation that thinks youngsters struggling to get on the property ladder now is down to a general character flaw in them, rather than the cost of living crisis and huge % of deposit needed to buy.

Hey! Don't tar us all with the same brush @loverofpants !

I worry constantly about the difficulties my kids face, as do my friends. We help our kids as much as we can, and irrationally feel guilty that we started our adult lives in better times, housing-wise.

I only see the 'well if they gave up their fancy coffees and avocado toast...' trope on radio phone ins, local Facebook pages and the like. Now including Mumsnet.