Accidentally stirred the pot and don’t know how to make things right

[pleasehelpagirlout62]

Friend 1 messaged me a couple of weeks ago something she shouldn’t have commented on about Friend 2. Something she know Friend 2 wouldn’t of liked.

I have been having a long chat with Friend 2 and stupidly said Friend 1 had been chatting to me about that last week. She then wants the whole details, I feel awful and send her our messages as she wanted to know and now she is raging with Friend 1.

I feel like a total idiot and stirred the pot. Now I feel like they are going to fall out because of me, and that Friend 1 is going to fall out with me because I sent our texts to Friend 2.

What have I done! Why did I do this! Someone help me rectify this please

🍻

Cheers! 🍻

I completely agree. Putting things in writing is always risky behaviour.

However, since Op didn’t come back we don’t know what was said. We don’t know if the first friend was bitching. Op said she commented on something she shouldn’t have done. That could have been loads of things without bitching about friend 2.

And friend 1 felt comfortable enough to discuss it with Op. That doesn’t reflect well in Op either.

and it wasn’t a mistake.

With friends like you, who needs enemies.

All completely fair comments, agreed!

To me it’s not in the category of “mistake” “accident” “oops what am I like”. It’s a calculated bitchy intended mean thing to do that would horrify your average reasonable 15 year old.

but people are acting like she shagged both of her pals husbands! Though yeah, typical mumsnet

Sorry, I don't get this. So, unless our friends have shagged our husbands we arent allowed to be upset about them bitching about us behind our backs, breaking trust, or indeed any other unkind behaviour? wow the bar for friendship is extremely low here isn't it.

Sending screenshots was clearly deliberate, not an "oops silly me lol" mistake.

Trust is important in any relationship and friendship is no different. People are reacting because if it happened to them they'd be very upset which is completely understandable. Maybe OP should play it off as her being "daft" and see what happens but I can almost guarantee her friends wont see it that way and neither would most normal people.

The initial mention of the conversation to friend 2 might have been a mistake, @DZbornak - but sending the screenshots was 100% deliberate - @pleasehelpagirlout62 knew it would cause an argument and still did it anyway!

I don’t think people on this thread have overreacted hugely to what the OP did - she did something pretty nasty, on purpose, knowing it would cause aggro - and people on here have not sugar-coated or downplayed what she’s done.

Your first mention might have been 'accidental'. Forwarding the messages wasn't.

Sounds like you shared the messages to make yourself feel important. Reminds me of Iago in Othello.
Also appears that you might benefit from a counsellor in visiting your past to see where betrayal behaviour stems from. It has roots somewhere.

You might not have lost their friendship and it might continue on a superficial level, but you will certainly have lost their trust so they will be wary of you and what they say to you in future.

You’re not a very good friend if you can’t keep a confidence. What a juvenile thing to do.

You reap what you sow OP. You deliberately did this knowing the trouble it would cause. You're not a good friend.

You purposefully did this. You even say that you knew sending those messages would make her angry.

I'm not sure what on earth you're expecting us to say that you can do to fix it.

Absolute best case scenario: you get in contact directly with friend one, tell her you are sorry, that you are an absolute arsehole and made an incredibly bad choice by sharing those messages with the other person. Tell her you understand if she won't forgive you, but that you hope at some point she will

Then leave it alone. Stop gossiping. Don't push the subject and if she wants to approach you again, maybe she will.

You did this, and she's entirely within her rights to not speak to you again if she chooses tbh.

Er no.

One of life's steep learning curves of what never to do.

Friend 1 messaged you and you messaged back. You didn't kill the conversation or make a stand.
(Because I note you forwarded the multiple "messages" to friend 2)

You then didn't regret the conversation - you shared it with friend 2. Not only that but you sent her all the private messages between you and friend 1.
(That's a serious no. Unless you actively want to confront friend 1, which you pretend you didn't)

So absolutely no one can confide in you or trust you.
You will hang people out to dry.
You set friend 2 on friend 1.
You will defer to anyone instead of establishing your own boundaries and values.

I absolutely would not want you as a friend.

If I was OP, I'd try to think of 5 reasons why someone would want me as a valued friend. If that's not possible, I'd think of 5 reasons why I would really want someone as a friend. And learn and move forward.

If I was friend one and you had shared messges I had sent you in good faith I'd never ever trust you again. The dynamic between the three of you does not seem that supportive if you gossip about eachother in this way. Where is the backbone? The integrity?

Are you sure you quietly didn’t want this to come out?

I’m considering having a chat to neighbour no. 1 about her friend neighbour no. 2 blaming her for various things to others. had enough of hearing how wronged no. 1 is by no. 2.

Wow. It's very doubtful that you will ever be able to mend the friendship with either Friend 1 or Friend 2. But at the very least, I hope this has been a big life lesson and that in future you’ll think twice before sharing other people’s private messages or comments. All the best x

You need to apologise to them both.

I would call friend 2 and tell
her how you're feeling, that you put your foot in it and shouldn’t have followed up by sending those texts, tell her you really don’t want everyone to fall out and could she when confronting friend 1 just say you accidentally let a few things slip and not mention the texts?? She what she says….. tell jeer you don’t want to be stuck in the middle of it and also hope it all be worked out between everyone.

Well, I'm going to buck the trend and say I don't think you're two faced. Friend 1 started all this by betraying Friend 2's trust. So she's the shit stirrer.
Mentioning it in conversation was the thing not to have done if you could have helped it but these things CAN happen by accident, if you're the type of person who doesn't normally deal in lies. Having mentioned it, it was only right that Friend 2 knew exactly what had been said about her behind her back.
The only thing I would have done differently would have been to message Friend 1 and explain before sending the messages to Friend 2, but that's in an ideal world, and I wasn't in the situation.
I don't think you're two faced and I'd rather have you for a friend than Friend 1 on the info I have.

We don’t know friend one was bitching,

We know it’s something friend two may not have liked but it doesn’t mean friend one was bitching.

It could have been friend one telling Op something because she is concerned for friend 2.

and if it was bitching. Why would friend one be son comfortable bitching to Op? People generally don’t bitch to mutual friends, if they know the mutual friend doesn’t get involved or tells the person who is being bitched about.

I don’t think the right thing is to take part in the conversation THEN go tell the second friend. IMO, the right thing is to shut it down straight away.

and like I said, we don’t know it was bitching.

Haven’t read the full thread, just your posts OP, I’m sure everyone else has said this but there is nothing accidental about forwarding on messages. You made a decision to do that. You’ve definitely lost friend 1 and friend 2 now knows she can’t trust you either.

I agree where you say people with mutual friends (and who respect their relationship) do not bitch to the joint friend, if anything they sway the other way.

content is everything though. I think we should know in rough terms to be able to give an accurate reply.

She's not getting drawn in, she started it!!

Somebody asked me to send messages that were sent to me once , to show to another person to prove something, I said absolutely not , that was a conversation had between us 2 even if it did prove something it was private. What you did was deliberate and will probably damage all of your friendships.i certainly wouldn't trust you again.