Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

I think some people are being incredibly harsh about your DS, I can totally understand why he's upset about it, I'd feel exactly the same and I bet most people would. It's a kick in the teeth to be part of a family for your entire life but you get left nothing and your two siblings become millionaires.

”Me and DH will split our asses 3 ways between all 3 children.”

Unfortunate typo there @iwanttoholdyourhand

Your son has been hard done by as he was left out of his father’s will, that must hurt. And now he’s getting left out again, in a sense, though you can’t really blame your MIL. In your situation I’d absolute give him the rental property, and I’d probably also start putting away extra money for him.

Ultimately you’ve no idea who will die first and last out of MIL, you and your husband. Things could change.

Any parent who has more children with a second partner runs the risk of situations such as this

It is a very naive view to think that everyone will be running around like the Brady Bunch with no issues whether it’s financial or emotional

This is a really good point Ive copied here @iwanttoholdyourhand

Make sure you have a will that leaves things to DS25 now because if you die first he could be left with nothing like my DH.

MIL died first and DH has now been cut out of the blended family's lives. What makes it worse for me is they brought nothing to the table due to leaving it all to his ex wife and kids and he walked away with a house and all her money before breaking all ties with DH and BIL.

Yes his siblings will be very wealthy. His little sister more so as she will also inherit MIL jewellery, watch and bag collection. Which in itself is in excess of over 200k.

The two little ones are too young to fully understand but my DS25 is old enough to know. He does feel like he has been truly shafted. But I'm trying extra hard to address this imbalance the best I can.

I am the son in your situation. Two brothers, one blood, the other not. All my grandparents from my mothers side totally embraced and treated us all equally. Been a blended family since we were 2,3 and 4. Two very small inheritances from my mothers side, shared between three. My brother will inherit close to a million soon from his mothers side (grandparent).

Totally accept the situation, it is what it is. I wouldn't say it is jealousy I feel. It's more about being told throughout our lives that we are all considered 'equal', to treat each other the same, share everything, we all 'get the same'....except this is all totally false and as I got older, I resented being told it. Yes it's life, life is unfair, I just hated being told all the time we were equal when we weren't (and as a kid having to share my precious hard earned stuff with someone I knew had 10x the amount at their 'other' house....but you know, always share because we are all 'equal').

If it really is just about balancing cash between them, leave everything to your son in your will on the basis the other two have been taken care of. The other two will accept because life is unfair, as your son has been told.

Goodness I’d love to see that collection!

Could you reframe it to your son as no one can expect an inheritance, but his siblings have been exceptionally lucky?

Could you also talk to him about the good that has come to yours and his life from stepfathers family? The better quality of life he has, his education, they are not to be sniffed at! And it sounds like he was better off having his stepfather in his life, even if he won’t inherit quite as much.

I think in the future you then also need to explain to your younger children how you personally leaving so much more to their brother isn’t a sign that you love him more.

OP can leave her share of assets to her one son, but she can’t demand her husband do the same. He may of course choose to respond to OP doing that by only leaving to his children.

I am trying to talk to my son and give him as much as I possibly can. God forbid I die before I'm 65 he will get more from my life insurance policy payout than his sibling.

Yes his siblings will be very wealthy. His little sister more so as she will also inherit MIL jewellery, watch and bag collection. Which in itself is in excess of over 200k.

Christ sake - plenty of money but no class or sense, quite clearly. Poor ds.

I feel so sorry for your DS :(

As has been said.

Imagine being told that you are loved and cherished equally and that you are all one big family,
To then have this disproved by getting cut out of the will.

Its not your DS's fault anymore than it is your younger two children's.

But surely you can see why he would be feeling this way.

You think? So you don’t know what’s been left?

have you actually seen the will? Unless you have I wouldn’t be getting your children all angst ridden and upset.

leave it. Let them continue their relationships without all this hanging over their heads.

how did your son find out anyway?

bear in mind things change and mil might remarry in her 90’s and/or or change her will at any point.

If i were op i would balance it out i my own inheritance so if necessary leave all to dc1. The other 2 wont need more on top of 1m each.
If op goes first though her dh might leave everything to his dc

I agree with this. I'd do the same.

o/p hasn’t said whether she has actually seen the will. She knows her ds is included, but “thinks” the amount will be a lot less.

without seeing the will, what if she leaves all her assets to dh and then actually her ds gets a significant sum from mil? Or the other two aren’t left anything near 1m?

what if she dies first, leaves all her assets to ds, then mil changes her will to cut the other two out?

what if o/p dies, mil has a stroke, and everything is eaten up by 30 years of 24 hour nursing care?

what if the children generously share with their sibling, then find out they’re cut out of their mum’s will?

inheritance tax rules may change and it may all go.

all this worry when none of it appears to have been verified.

too many variables.

i’d split everything 3 ways for now. Will can be changed when and if the kids inherit.

i had a rich relative. When her kids and grandkids were old enough she used it to control them. Regularly cut one or other out when they displeased her. One said sod it and stopped jumping to her tune, the others are fighting to stay in her good books.

My Nana was born in the Workhouse in 1917. Her Mum was in service and my Nana was conceived by co-ercion/rape. Her Mum went on to marry her step Dad and they had three more children together. My Nana says they were poor, but her Step Dad always treated the children the same. When her Step dad died, he left all of his 10 grandkids/step grandkids and 9 great grandchildren and step great grandkids exactly the same modest sums. The emotional effect this had on my Nana was profound. It wasn't about the money, but the money symbolised that fact her Step Dad treated her, and her descendants, exactly the same, all his life. RIP my lovely brave, gentle Great-Grandad.
I feel for your DS25 OP, you are right to try to minimise the material imbalance as it acknowledges the hurt and injustice but he sounds like an impressive young man to be earning such a good salary at such a young age. He will be self made. He will pass these values onto any children he has.
On the other hand your two younger children are at risk of being spoilt wastrels if they are given so much for nothing and do not have to strive. I'd be more worried about them. Especially the values that your DD will learn, inheriting £200,000 worth of self indulgent trinkets from a very shallow sounding Granny.
Hopefully your son will come to see that it's not his sibs fault that they are likely to be so wealthy, it's literally an accident of birth.

Oh, that lazy trope. The youngest are being given a great foundation upon which to build, there’s nothing to suggest they’re destined to become ‘spoilt wastrels’ because they’re well provided for. There are plenty of things they can strive for, without having to struggle financially.

I can understand your son’s point of view too.

He has been in the family since a young age. He is hard working and from all accounts a good son, not a bludger.

Yes he is fortunate to get a house compared to most of us here but that’s not the point. He has been raised in privilege and the disparity in treatment compared to the siblings he grew up with is then very obvious to him.
He has lived 100% of the time with your blended family, so there would have been less “step” and the feeling of being full siblings.

It must be the sensation of being othered.

Having said that, he has no choice but to accept it.

I like your idea of giving him the house. The other siblings could be gifted special or sentimental items belonging to you such as art or jewellery.

I am working extremely hard to protect all my children. I am well aware the impact of receiving so much money could potentially have on them. I am surrounded by wealth, affluence and excess. I have seen first hand what can happen when parents give their children everything. The lack of motivation, drugs etc.

My two younger ones do not know about anything what they are likely to inherit. I will not tell them and they are expected to work hard and make their own way. I have seen money ruin people. DS25 father was an example came from a wealthy family and went out of control drugs, drinking, partying. He was dead by the time he was 47.

My younger two children are being raised to expect nothing.

The correct response when DS25 asked "What am I getting in step-grandma's will was "No idea, wills are private".

Whoever told him was the unreasonable one who has caused a massive upset.

Have you seen the will?

how do you know exactly what your younger two are getting but are only guessing at what your DS might get?

who told your DS they younger two were getting 1m and him nothing, especially when you say he’s in the will but amount is unknown?

I can vouch that feelings of it not being fair trump rationale thoughts.

I'm slightly similar in that my eldest DS has two siblings from my DH first marriage who are now both millionaires from inheritance while he will struggle but the two siblings are very vocal about still inheriting their share from me and DH.

When it comes to money, being nice tends to go out the window.

I have not seen the will but MIL has had many conversations with me about figures and her jewellery etc.

Can I just say my MIL is coming across in quite a poor light. She is not a terrible person. She is very generous and has also said that when DS25 is ready to buy his own home in the next 2 years she will help him with his deposit.

She has also left him a small amount in her will. She hasn't really told me how much as I didn't want to ask when we had that conversation. It felt grabby.

The answer should still have been "No idea, wills are private". Why tell him?