Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

Ok, so I can understand your son's perspective, but I also think that you need to encourage him to think about it in a different way.

And I think that, if it were me, I would also have a more active discussion with MIL. If my 11 year old children stood to inherit £1m, I would want to ensure that I was trustee for them until they were 25, for example.

If you were to lock the money up, then by the time your younger children get the money your son will be nearly 40 and will have earned more money than they will inherit himself. The age gap means that the two of them are not completely on a par with DS25 - he may need help to buy a house and have a family in the next 10 years, whilst your other children shouldn't be touching any money for 10 years and need to be helped to understand their inheritance.

If the money from MIL is kept in trust and only spend on educational purposes until they are 25, then actually until 25 they are in a more similar position to your DS. Yes, they may be able to go in at a better point property wise from that point, but it won't be the case that they will be living it up from the moment they inherit.

Is MIL leaving anything to you and DH? I understand about there being a lot of talk about inheritance, i think irl it's not nice but pretty normal to say 'things are tough for now but you'll receive the holiday cottage one day'. I've told my adult dc I'm leaving x to x because y already had y. I would rather explain in person than leave a potentially hurtful surprise.

This is also a great point.

OP are YOU being left anything in the Will? And if not, do you have a problem with that?

I presume not as I expect you would expect her to leave wealth to her son and not her daughter in law. And it’s perfectly expected on here that if a daughter inherits that should be protected on a divorce… the same logic should really apply, as she’s presumably known you as long as your DS.

Also @OP

If your daughter will inherit a lot of jewellery then until she is at a stage at which she lives in a house that can have a very secure safe, someone will have to pay to have it stored somewhere. You're not going to have it in a shared house, are you? I presume your MIL is leaving to her so she can wear, look after and keep in the family rather than sell, which is very generous , but it is not the same as having the cash. She is a lifetime custodian - it's something that is a great privilege but will come with responsibilities and costs.

I already have the majority of the jewellery in my safety deposit box. I pay a monthly premium for it. To be honest I don't really want my DD to wear some of the things as I feel it will make her a target to be mugged/ attacked. One of the pieces is a £35k Rolex watch. I don't what my daughter to wear this as I'm so scared for her safety. I plan to sell most of it in the future.

I wouldn’t advise that. You may be in possession of it for safekeeping, but unless it’s been explicitly given to you then it isn’t your property. If belongs to your mother in law, and will then belong to your daughter. By taking it upon yourself to sell you could easily find yourself in a world of shit.

Yes my DH is being left some property.

What does your DH intend to do with the property left to him? Split it two or three ways?

Maybe focus on the positives. Your husband’s family being part of your orb has brought your DS25 privileges and experiences he would never otherwise have had. Financial stability is a huge benefit. Life as the only child of a single Mum would have been very different.

Some very good responses and lots for me to think about, Everything else we have accumulated will be split 3 ways.

In regard to the jewellery I should have said that when DD is old enough I would encourage her to sell it. I know it does not belong to me. I'm just safe keeping it for her.

Even if you discourage her wearing the pieces, I would encourage her to keep them. They’re items that will appreciate in value over time, as they will already have done.

I do think there’s a risk of your husband following suit and leaving his property to only his children, if you decide to bequeath one house solely to your oldest (I’m of course assuming that he wouldn’t need to agree to you doing that).

What does your DH think?

Could you and your DH talk to your MIL and explain your concerns? Say that it's not about the amounts involved at all, it's the principle of equality between your children? So could she split the same total amount equally? Your DS has been part of their family since he was 2 years old so it doesn't feel unreasonable to me.

Of course it's her money to do as she wants with but surely she doesn't want to damage the relationships between your children?

I think in the circumstances you should leave the rental property to your DS25 entirely.

You could explain in your will that you did this knowing that your 2 younger children will inherit substantially more from their GM.

At least that gives DS25 something of real value.

Tbh I'd be really angry (the amount of money isn't the issue, it could be tuppence) that my ds still isn't 'one of them' after almost all of his life. A two year old is totally open to being a child or grandchild of the family. I'd be very angry and think very poorly of them.

Why is your DS treated so poorly by his grandmother?
Is it only because he’s not a blood relation even though they’ve had a relationship for 23 years, almost since he was a baby?? It certainly does put your MIL in a bad light.

He’s not being treated badly, and he’s also not a grandchild any more than OP is her daughter.

Look at it from the other way, if OPs ex hadn't died and made a success would you expect him to leave money to OPs other children who aren't related to him no you wouldn't.

Life isn't fair that's it.

Very late to this party, but ... life isn't fair. Or at least life treats different people differently.

I'm a child of my father's second marriage. I have 2 older half siblings who I adore, and are great friends. We lived together for the early part of my childhood, then they returned to their mum and grew up in a far more affluent household than I did and were privately educated (their step dad was a wealthy chap; our dad wasn't!). They have inherited well from their mother, step father and maternal grandparents - this has funded holidays, cars and houses that will never be within my grasp.

Our dad died with very little, and what he did have all went to DM. My maternal GPs left me £200! That's all I have ever inherited (I'm in my mid 50s).

Such is life. None of us can change who our parents married, the order we were born, who our blended and separate families are, decisions that were made with head, or heart or in spite. We are all adults, we all accept that this is our lot, and the only people who can do anything to change it is ourselves.

If DS25's Dad had left all his money to DS would DS split it 3 ways with his half siblings?

No I expect he would not.

That’s a very different scenario. The younger siblings didn’t grow up in the family of the dad who has now died

Unlike the OP’s 25 year old who did grow up in the siblings family - or thought he did

As has been said by many posters a lot of times in scenarios like this it’s not about the monetary value, it could be £100 or £1million that’s left, but the sense of belonging to a family. Especially in this case where his real dad let him down so much both in life and death

Dh and I got together when our 5 children (his 3 and my 2) were young. Mine have a useless unintrested dad so dh treated them as his own.

Everything is divided 5 ways equally in our wills but it wouldn't occur to me for one moment that his children's grandmother would leave anything to mine, as it wasn't her choice to take them on.

The end result is the same - financial disparity between siblings.

and he was accepted as part of their family, as an in law. Same as OP. That doesn’t make him their son or grandchild.

Exactly just because the OP created a blended family, doesn't mean the the relatives have to blend and leave in their wills.

Sadly he is greedy and ' entitled '

However they are not his siblings, they have different fathers.

so they are half siblings or step siblings.

he is earning well. he can continue with his career.

and he is now an adult.