Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

Yes, and I replied to her post, as is quite usual on a discussion board.

We’re all free to have and share opinions, but just someone may have opinion, doesn’t mean that opinion will have any impact on the actual reality. OP’s situation is what it is, and tbh there’s very little she can do about it. Her son will have to come to terms with not getting the same as his siblings, by virtue of them not having all the same family members in common.

The Grandmother is a see you next Tuesday. There are 3 children here, one of them is a step grandchild who has been brought up by the grandmother's son for almost his entire life. The 2 biological children stand to inherit £1m each. What would be so bad about divvying up that £2m into 3 so they all get £666k instead. It's still a huge wedge, a fabulously huge wedge. Wedge that's akin to a lottery win for most people. Had the boy stood to gain from his father's side, this could have been taken into account. But he's been an older brother to the Grandmother's two 'real' grandchildren.

Her attitude is why this country is in the state it's in. There are too many people (clearly, from the comments) who just don't believe in fairness and sharing the pot. Remember this shit in the UK where inheritance is not fairly distributed is a legacy of daughters inheriting nothing. Think on that.

Ridiculous!

The difference is that there is no permanent connection between the stepgrandmother and 25yo son.

OP says they have don’t have a great relationship. Does he consider her granny? Does he care about her? Would he do anything for her?
(If no, how could he expect any inheritance from her!)

If OP and her DH break up, they have no connection whatsoever.

What counties, that the UK is apparently inferior to, require ‘step grandchildren’ to inherit?

The grandmother has two grandchildren she wants to benefit from her assets. Not three. That’s very normal and reasonable no matter where you are in the world. Incidentally, the UK has one of the highest rates of inheritance tax in the world, so

That's also my question. There was no need for this can of worms to be opened at all.

Whoever told him is the unreasonable one.

@InterIgnis The boy has been a member of the family since he was 2 years old. He is a member of that family. So what if he isn't biologically related. Jesus wept, it's appalling. I read on these threads time and time again people venting when their kids are treated differently to others for far less than this grandmother is doing. Did the father adopt him? I'm not sure we know that bit. But regardless, the grandmother is bigoted and nasty to do it. To all intents and purposes there 3 equal children and she's making it very clear they are not. I understand the boy isn't particularly close to the grandmother but my guess is that she's treated him differently his entire life. She sounds fucking dreadful.

How horrible to call the stepgrandmother bigoted (???) and nasty! She’s giving him something in her will and that should be appreciated.

He could not have been adopted by his stepfather while he had a living father with parental responsibility (which he did until age 18).

The 3 children are not equal as they have different fathers and different paternal relations.

Jesus you sound unhinged!

I have experience of family where there were not biological children and the treating differently is a shitty thing to do, causes untold grief and lasting damage well into adulthood. I couldn't do that to a child, I just couldn't. If there is more than enough money to go round, share it. What difference does it make, other than to make clear feelings that a particular individual isn't/wasn't viewed as having the same worth? I'd like to think the 2 'real' grandchildren will be big enough to not carry out the grandmother's wishes and share it, but given many of the comments on here, its probably wishful thinking.

It is all a bit grabby to be talking about it now. I have a half sibling who’s been in “our” family since he was 2. I also have a wealthy grandfather who is biologically mine but not blood related to my half sibling.

I expect we’ll all be treated the same in my grandfathers will, but I would be absolutely disgusted if he (or my full sibling) were asking about whether we’re written into the Will or not. I’ve got no idea if we will get anything or if it’ll go to parents and would not have the audacity to ask that because it’s not my money and it may well be all spent before by grandfather dies.

I think as a set of cousins, if my half sibling was left out entirely we would re-share it evenly between us. We would almost certainly do this as a set of siblings.

And my brother will probably inherit from his dad too, just not as much.

The time for this conversation is when you know how much there is to inherit and after MIL has died. Not trying to redistribute HER money while she’s still alive.

I agree that all children should be treated equitably day-to-day. So they all get the same dinner, all treated warmly, and all get some kind of present at Christmas (if they are there). This is totally different to distributing inheritance.

However the stepfather and especially the stepgrandmother does not have parental responsibility for the 25yo, because he is NOT their son/grandson!

I doubt he would be caring for them in their old age, or mourn their death when the time comes.

I would not expect a step grandmother to distribute anything, let alone equally, in her will.

Yes, he’s an in law. A member of the family, but not a son or a grandchild. They aren’t all equal to her, no, given that two are her grandchildren and one isn’t.

So what if he isn’t biologically related? Biology doesn’t have to matter to you, but it does indeed matter to a lot of people, if not the majority. It’s fine if someone wants to consider their stepchild to be their child, but equally it’s fine if they don’t. You don’t get to demand that anyone else conforms to your preferences, regardless of whether it upsets you or not. That is entirely a you problem.

I think the MIL is the villain here.

So she's known this kid since he was 10ish, but she's rather give the "blood children" a million each than split it three ways so they all get 6 figures?

Yeah I know its her money she can do what she likes yadda yadda yadda but its pretty trashy

Do you feel the same way about ethnicity and race and belonging?

I’m pretty sure people are free to feel whatever way they like about the above too. Whether I personally like it or not is irrelevant.

I would ask DS25 what he would do in your shoes and what he thinks is fair. He might then see that you’re doing what you can. It sounds as though he is in a good situation.

The MN divide is interesting. All children must be treated equally but once they are am adult stuff them. This is why you shouldn't be letting or encouraging your children to view your new husband as a father figure or his parents as grandchildren. People seem to just sleepwalk into these situations without considering long term consequences. It absolutely great for children to have loads of caring adults around them but don't pretend they are family

It's open to the 11 and 13 year old to share their inheritance with their stepbrother, if they choose to, though I don't know if they'd have to be over 18.

We had a somewhat similar situation in my family and the biological grandchildren agreed that the terms of the will could be varied so that they and their stepbrother inherited equal amounts. (It wasn't anything like a £2m inheritance at stake in our situation but it was still a life changing amount of money).

I'm not saying the grandchildren should do this necessarily or feel obliged to, just that it's not solely the MIL here who has the power to create this situation.

It’s just one of the reasons I think blended families are a fool’s errand. The parents (usually mother) want to pretend the new family unit is lovely and embracing of the existing child but in reality it sets up inequality and it’s just a bad idea.

You can have relationships but do you have to have more children? I don’t think so.

Sorry for not responding earlier been in meetings all day. Just sat down now. So many responses to give a better picture the conversation came about as MIL was doing her will. DS naturally asked if he would be getting anything. He has been really hurt by the way his dad left him nothing. He felt really bad about himself for a long time that he was not worthy and it definitely impacted on his relationship with his other siblings.

DS is a lovely hard working young man he feels he needs to work extra hard as he knows he possibly will not get as much as any of his siblings.

The relationship with DS and MIL is ok. She doesn't see him as much nowadays as he is older busy working, social life etc.

It's so tricky isn't it. I am doing as much as I can to even out the playing field. DS is planning on buying a house in the next few years with his girlfriend I will try and gift his some money then.

He has come to terms with his siblings potentially being more well off than him in the future. I just worry so much about how it will impact their relationship. My 2 younger children love their big brother the age gap means he takes them out in his car to eat, play crazy golf etc. they all get on so well.

Your DS is NBU at all to feel sore about this. Blended families are hard and they are particularly hard on the first children, especially when as in this case there has been a lot of trauma around the break up of the first relationship.

I am guessing that you and your DH will also inherit a significant amount? So DS will be the only family member whose financial situation will not be transformed? If so, that's really hard.

It is what it is and I think unfortunately you will just have to accept that this will inevitably impact the siblings' relationships. How could it not? It will have a huge impact on their lifestyles in so many ways, so it's not something that can just be brushed under the carpet.

Ah the blended family nightmare. As others have said, blended families are only blended until crunch time when it's a case of looking after your own.

I have a story where my DH lost everything through 'blended family politics'. I wont go into it too much as its outing but MIL's new partner got everything after her death as they had 'mirror wills' where the successor got everything and then on the survivors death it was split between DH and new partners kids.

Guess who was out of DH's life asap after her funeral....

I blame the MIL to some extent but cant help but feel she was 'guided' by her new partner as she had a life limiting illness.

I never ever thought that having a blended family would bring up this issue. When I met my DH DS was only 2 we spent the early years working really hard and making our family unit happy and secure. DS had a crap start in life with a useless father. I thought I was doing the right thing.

If things with ds’ father’s family had been different, would you have expected his paternal grandparents to name his half siblings in their will, because this is what you’re expecting your MIL to do?

She can do what she wants with her money and he can feel resentment over it if he wants to. Most people would.

They could could be set up for life. It's tough for young adults.

But of he has a property he has a head start on most.