Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

MIL is NOT his grandparent. I think DS is unreasonable to expect anything. MIL can give her money to whoever and it shouldn't be expected from anyone. The fact she has included him in her will is very kind. If your doing the fair thing. DS should inherit a 1/3 of your estate.

I think the MIL really hasn't done anything wrong, tbh.

She's put substantial sums aside for her two grandchild, a property for her son (OP's husband) to inherit and is leaving a little money for her step-grandchild (DS25). Furthermore, she's offered to help DS25 with a deposit for a house.

Seriously, does DS25 reckon he should get more than this from her?! She's not his grandmother; she's a kind lady who doesn't want him to feel left out.

It's DS25's his late father (and his family) who have shafted him! It's a shame his paternal grandparents (who apparently were quite wealthy) didn't bother to make provision for their grandson given their useless son was in to crime/drugs etc?!

Im genuinely at a loss at people saying the MIL (that is, DS25's step-grandmother) is horrible.

Also, look at the wider picture, DH25 is going to inherit an equal share of his mother and Step-father's (probably quite substantial estate?) on their deaths anyway. This shows DS25 that he's an equal part of his family in both his own mother and stepfather's eyes.

Whilst I do think the son is not coming across well and displays astounding levels of entitlement when not comes to what his step grandmother does with HER money. Op's children are siblings and it's offensive to suggest otherwise.

They share the same mother and have been raised in the same home together. They are most definitely NOT step siblings either. Educate yourself.

They are half siblings different father.

@InfiniteGoodVibes

half siblings then.

not siblings.

What does he call her? Has he been raised to think of her as a Grandmother or as the Grandmother of his half siblings?

I have been having lots of conversations with my DS25 and have been trying to explain to him that life is not always fair. it's just luck that his two younger siblings just happen to have a very wealthy grandmother.

He does get it but I guess still feels a little left out. I think maybe a little envy too. His younger siblings will enjoy a better quality of life than him as they will ultimately have alot more money available to them in the future which in turn will give them a lot more choices and opportunities.

He calls her Nanny like the other two. He has been raised to see her as his grandmother.

You seem to know far too much about MIL's financial affairs OP

MIL and I are very close and she is very open with me . She has recently started getting all her affairs in order. We have had many deaths in our family over the past few months.

He’s young and hopefully in time will realise that he’s being really childish. ThiS is life! Some of my best friends will inherit >10 million which is a fortune to have to earn yourself and I’m hardly sitting here ranting and raving about it. He’s just going to have to accept it and move on

@iwanttoholdyourhand

One thing I wanted to ask is whether your son maybe works in the City, or somewhere that has quite a few people of a wealthy background? Obviously, there are lots of people who work in the city from all backgrounds, but those from wealthier backgrounds are often overrepresented in certain professions.

If so, he might be feeling a bit under-wealthy in his own circles, which then might be increasing his resentment of his siblings.

Honestly, if the money is trickled in sensibly to his siblings, they really shouldn't be super wealthy until after university. Yes, they will be able to choose certain careers more easily and without too much concern for money BUT it actually doesn't sound as if they will inherit so much they will just be able to live a totally blow out lifestyle and never work again on what they will inherit. What they will inherit will be a substantial cushion of course, but they will still have to do something with it.

Yes that's correct my son does work in the city.

OP I really do feel for you all in this situation. We are a blended family in that DH has an adult child so my DSC and we have 2 teens together so a large age gap. His DS has had a different upbringing to our DC purely down to the situation. We have also been talking a lot about wills and inheritance recently because we know the resentment it can cause. Not that either DH or myself is particularly wealthy or likely to inherit large sums!!

I can understand that your DS25 feels left out. His DF was rubbish and left him nothing. He’s obviously been part of your DH’s family since he was a toddler. MIL can leave money to whoever she likes and unfortunately as unfair as it may feel she is favouring her biological GC - however it sounds as though DS25 is doing well in his career and your MIL has offered up help with a house deposit and will leave him a sun in her will.

in these situations it’s a case of you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Blended families aren’t easy to navigate and there are always inequalities in life. Inhertitance always seems to be the one that causes such a divide in many families (even non blended ones)

@iwanttoholdyourhand

Thought so! The City still has a fair number of people of his age who come from a very wealthy background and can splash the cash on glamorous things because what they earn is disposable income.

Is his gf from a wealthier background too?

Your son does need to understand that keeping up with the Jones is not real life and it is a bit distasteful to hope he gets money on his MIL's death so that he can. He has a brilliant job in a city full of opportunity, which makes him really fortunate.

And @iwanttoholdyourhand

I'm not saying by any means this makes your son a bad person. It is good to have ambition and drive. And being surrounded by people who are very money orientated (which is most people in the city - most, myself included, were at least partly motivated to go into it for the earning potential, doesn't make them awful people) can skew your view of money. It's very common to think money makes you happy - it's definitely the case that an absence of money does make people unhappy, but it can be given too much weighting!

Yes my son has a desire and drive to do well and is extremely ambitious . I think this comes from knowing he doesn't really have family money to fall back on like most of his friends who are set to inherit millions.

No his gf isn't from a wealthy background at all. She works in the public sector.

Nothing to do to with the money but...

Your DS was in DH's life since he was 2. His father then married & had more children
Did it not occur for your DH to adopt your DS?
They've been in each other's lives for a very long time ie 16 years before your DS became an adult.

As for the different childhoods - this often happens in non-blended families when there is a large age gap between children. Circumstances change.

An inheritance skipping a generation is a useful trick for avoiding two lots of IHT especially if there are large sums involved.

If the OP & DH are comfortably off & have no need of the money then it makes sense for the GM's estate to pass onto the next generation & only one lot of IHT will be paid!

My DS saw his father every few weeks for the majority of his life until he passed away. He already had a father why would my DH adopt him ?

I'm not sure why people are having a go at you or your DH on this thread. The interitance is bypassing him completely and going straight to the children. It feels intentional on your MILs part though (almost like she doesn't want your older son getting any of her money) but I know quite a few people who are 'blood is blood' and feel the same. You can't change that unfortunately. I would encourage your other 2 children to share with their brother.

Yes that is my hope that his younger siblings will be generous to him when they are older. But I am aware that I cannot tell them how to spend their money. I just want my children to all continue to have a good sibling relationship.

This piece of information, OP, is the most poignant.
Your MIL was Nanny, your son saw her as his grandmother, from the age of two years old.
But to her, he's a non-relation. Blood is thicker than water, indeed.

I am in a blended family. My sister is from my mum's first marriage and my dad's family welcomed her with open arms and treated her the same as us. No cash to complicate things though.
My mum's sister however has pretty much ignores me and my sister from my mum's second marriage. They were team exHub when my mum and her abusive first husband first divorced. It can be complicated even when two sets of children are the same relationship!

I would be supporting all of your children with respect to the potential inheritance. Your son can be bitter and resentful or he can work hard and succeed in life (not limited to income) without the initial leg up. Your other children will need support to counter the rhetoric they haven't had to work for anything hand things handed to them etc etc. neither situation is going to be easy both situations require strong personalities to come out on top. I have seen people in both situations having to pull themselves up and those in a privileged position due to family money. There's social and psychological gymnastics to be done in both situations.

There easily could be a significant dent if any residential care is needed. Last year my partners grandparents were paying £130k a year in care costs as both were requiring nursing homes. One has since past bring the bill down to £80k a year. Even though they are very well off the potential inheritance is going down quickly!

@iwanttoholdyourhand

Apologies, I was reading your posts as though your son had not seen his father for a very long time as it sounded like he'd just walked away.