Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I know she's there

624 replies

tailgate · 25/04/2024 18:19

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 25/04/2024 22:39

You’ve got a non exclusive relationship, so he can see whoever he wants to see. He knows you’ve got a bee in your bonnet about this particular woman, so he decided not to upset you with all the photos, so he blocked you seeing them.

Jk8 · 25/04/2024 22:48

Perfect28 · 25/04/2024 18:21

Why don't you do neither of those options and just talk to him about how you're feeling? Non-monogamy only works with open communication.

Yh this or just dont respond at all because he blocked u on instagram & you thought it was over as hes picked the other woman.... if you want to go passive aggressive

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/04/2024 22:52

You have had a don't ask, don't tell policy but you don't want to follow that now. You shouldn't be angry at him because he's still following it. You need to work out if you want to continue as you are (doesn't seem to be making you happy at the moment), want something different with him (if that is possible) or give it up. If you don't know what you want how can he? Try talking to him.

AppelationStation · 25/04/2024 22:53

OP, I'd message him this:

"Glad it went well! I'm feeling a bit funny about you the going with X, IG thing and not sure why. It's weirding me out so probably going to rain check for a bit. Catch up soon."

Give a clear boundary. Be honest about why with no drama. And then spend some time thinking about why this makes you feel unformfortable, what you actually want out of it, and if / how you can make that happen.

Do those things alone without his influence or take and be honest with yourself.

Diamond007D · 25/04/2024 23:00

Gently maybe work on your self worth & step away from this circus. Stalking/ blocking etc , no good will come of it. You're worth more💐

mathanxiety · 25/04/2024 23:01

Are you the 'other woman' here?

KreedKafer · 25/04/2024 23:14

I’m sorry but… he owes you absolutely nothing. He’s not your boyfriend. He’s someone you sometimes have sex with.

He doesn’t have to tell you who he dates and you don’t get to veto who he can and can’t sleep with and why on earth would you expect him to tell you who he was taking to a wedding? You apparently lost the plot about him seeing this other woman previously for some reason so why would he tell you this time?

Your whole situation is a mess (and I’m pretty sure you’ve posted about it before). It’s obvious that you see whatever you have with this man as something very different to how he sees it. You (however much you’re in denial about this) very obviously see it as some kind of open relationship where you can sleep with other people, but only on certain terms, and you see you and him as the constant, while everyone else is just a casual date. He, however, clearly sees it as no kind of relationship at all. To him you’re just a mate he has sex with sometimes, not his ‘main’ partner, and certainly not someone he has to be accountable to when you’re not there.

Honestly, you are deluding yourself by presenting your non-relationship with this man as something you’re cool and casual about. Have some dignity and get shot of him so you can stop fretting about him and who he’s fucking. You said you also date other people, so the only real reason you can have for continuing things with this FWB is that you actually want more from him, however much you might tell yourself that’s not the case. You can meet men in your own city and you don’t need to keep up this slightly desperate non-relationship. Rip the plaster off and end this angsty street Insta-stalking game-playing shitshow; you deserve better.

ironedcurtain · 25/04/2024 23:16

Maybe they had a fight about him seeing you too... Genuinely, how do you know you're the main squeeze he has to listen to and not her?

Nicole1111 · 25/04/2024 23:31

Tell him you need to reevaluate your relationship as while you don’t expect exclusivity you were hurt by his withholding of information and attempts to hide he had taken someone else. Then you actually need to do as you said and think about whether you want to pursue this relationship and why.

Curly12345 · 25/04/2024 23:41

Reply saying that you’re glad he had a good time and you hope insert name of other woman enjoyed it as well.

loropianalover · 25/04/2024 23:46

Sorry I’ve just seen you call him considerate in your first post and I can read no further! 🤣 WISE UP OP

UPALLNIGHTMNETTING · 25/04/2024 23:47

You say you don't care who he dates, but it sounds a lot like you do care and are jealous, sorry OP. He realises you do care, and has tried to prevent you seeing something which will upset you. Might be to save your feelings. Might be because he doesn't care about you enough to bother explaining it, or because he thinks you'll fly off the handle. Might be because he thinks he's more likely to get more sex if you think there's more to your relationship than there is. Or he could be hoping that things will go steady between the two of you one day, and doesn't want to jeopardise it, but is keeping this other poor woman as a backup. Without knowing you both, it's hard to say. But yeah, it would be weird behaviour if you were just no-strings fuck buddies. If you're sure you want to carry on as you are, I'd just reply something neutral and pleasant, because why wouldn't you? But sounds like it would be better to actually call him and have a proper conversation about what you both want. Don't message him to blow up over an Instagram story, that's super cringey 😬.

Frangipanyoul8r · 25/04/2024 23:48

So you don’t want to be his girlfriend, you just want to control who he sees from afar, like a puppet on a string? This is such a mess.

Tillievanilly · 25/04/2024 23:51

I’d take this as a sign to move on. To take her as a guest he must like her. Maybe he likes the friendship/attention he gets from you. In your situation I think I’d be honest “look I know you took x to the wedding clearly I saw the pics. Glad it went well etc but I think it’s time we called a day in our situation as it’s clearly not working anymore” If there is a distance between you it sounds like it’s to hard. Most men do like to have their cake and eat it after all, he has been able to do that with you on the sidelines.

Runnerinthenight · 25/04/2024 23:54

This is a total fuckup of a situation! Get out of it. Have some self-respect!!

TossieFleacake · 25/04/2024 23:56

You are no longer FWB

You are now the Other Woman

Up to you to decide if you're happy with your new role.

DreamTheMoors · 25/04/2024 23:58

“Why’d you block me from seeing your IG stories?”

And that’s ALL I’d say.

Saintmariesleuth · 26/04/2024 00:03

It doesn't sound like this arrangement is working for you anymore OP. I think you need to figure out what you want (hint- I really don't think he is ready for a mature relationship so wouldn't bank on this). Then steer the conversation from there.

He sounds very involved with this other woman and I think you are best to take a step back. Keep things polite and breezy if it's easier, as it sounds like you share mutual friends. I don't think you can go batshit at him, as by your own admission he hasn't broken the terms of your set up. If you need to rant, choose a trusted friend who is nothing to do with this group and get it off your chest.

Ohnobackagain · 26/04/2024 00:10

@tailgate I’d genuinely want to know if his messages ‘missing you and wishing you were there’ were fake given he was pretending she wasn’t with him. It’s the elaborate crap/lying etc that would bother me.

Mirabai · 26/04/2024 00:15

This isn’t working for you is it?

mysteriousspiderbite · 26/04/2024 00:21

You're a teacher, and yet you don't know how to put your thoughts and feelings into a few plain sentences? You've posted it all here (in between the shall I pretend this or that?). Just say how you feel about it all to him.

SnowFrogJelly · 26/04/2024 00:24

Just ask him about it
Talk to him
Say how you feel

Gettingbysomehow · 26/04/2024 00:31

What you've got isn't a relationship so why not just end it now instead of getting all upset about random women in his life.

DodoTired · 26/04/2024 01:47

I think you should tell him you’ve seen the stories and know he blocked you, but im not sure what kind of ‘adult conversation’ you want to have beyond that?
you aren’t exclusive, he can date and shag whoever, even if you don’t like her. You really don’t have a leg to stand on complaining or discussing why he took this other woman, why he didn’t tell you he was taking her etc

adult attitude would be to accept it

and by the way all this about how much he wished you were there with him is BS

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 26/04/2024 01:50

It was sleazy of him to lie like that, I would lose some respect for him and he's likely just trying to "keep you sweet" for future shags.

I would bow out of any sexual/romantic aspect of your interactions with him, it sounds like you were friends or acquaintances before ? Try to go back to that.