To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

I think there's too much drama happening considering you are just FWB and meet a few times a year. Him blocking you so you cannot see this other woman having been to the wedding is just ridiculous. You both can do you want but him hiding is just disrespectful and deceiving. I couldn't be bothered with all this drama.

This 👆🏻

This will only end in you becoming the bitter old fuck buddy who he never fell for (that's the story he'll tell whoever he pleases).

Or you can gather up your dignity & self-respect and walk away; move on.
It was fun while it was fun.
The moment you argued over another woman in the picture it stopped being fun and started becoming a personal game. A game I think you'll very likely lose.

I get it smarts a bit seeing him with someoneelse. Knowing they're with someone else is different to seeing them with someone else.

Why should he tell you she was there? It's none of your business. As for falling out over her, that says more to me about how you view this relationship. It implies you want it to be more.

What are you hoping to achieve by saying "I know you've blocked me from your stories"? Why does it bother you so much if you're not that bothered about him? By calling him out, will it make you feel better? Is it likely to push him away? If so, do you want that?

Work out what you want before you reply. If you want things to stay as they are, then listen to your friends telling you to reply in the casual way you normally do.

Then ask him! What's holding you back?

Dont be ridiculous. You see other people too! 🤣 Who cares if you dont like this woman, as you said you're not exclusive.

Whats actually wrong here is that you're angry you havnt been able to control who he sees. Ridiculous and red flaggy.

I'd also like to take the opportunity to ask if that relationship is more serious than I'd realised.

It doesn't matter at all. He probably won't give you a straight answer even if you did ask as he knows how weird and controlling you're trying to be about him seeing her.

I don't see how this relationship can be making you happy. I'd dump him off.

The cheek thinking he owes you anything when you date around too!

Just reply by saying

'I'm glad you had a good time and that you and ( insert her name here) enjoyed yourselves x

He'll just say he would have preferred to take you but you were working, or that she insisted on going, it's just the same old shite but just another day.

I'd reply something along the lines of I wish I could have been there too but I saw you took Tracy and then blocked me from seeing your stories and to be honest it upset me that you felt you had to hide your date. I think going forward we should be friends/stop seeing each other... delete as appropriate. You are in a non-exclusive relationship- you didn't like his choice of date and expressed that - he didn't care enough to not take that person. That shows you where you are in his priory list - it's not near the top.

Couls you say something like

Hey glad you enjoyed the wedding,I did see a few photos on your story but after the one of you and Sandra I didn't see any more? Did you block me ? Then answer practical questions

It reads to me like him shutting you out of his life is more hurtful than seeing him with the woman.
I would hazard a guess that he didn't want you to see that maybe they are closer than he would like you to know and potentially are now in a steady relationship or that's where he would like to go

I would be open an honest with him. That you saw his photo at the wedding and noticed he's restricted your access. What is the situation, is you casual arrangement no longer working and where do you go from there.

I can't tell you what he was thinking or intending rather than hating him for theoretical reasons I would ask and find out the actual reason and then figure it how much this relationship matters to you.

Considering your relationship - which you seem largely happy with - I don’t think you can dictate exactly who else he sees. I get you can’t share, but knowing what you fought about might change my mind on that!
I think he was probably just wanting to avoid a fight and probably thought he was being kind.
He’s clearly going to continue seeing that woman though, he took her to a close family wedding, so really it’s whether you can live with that or not.

Plus he hasn’t thought this through unless he means to block you forever - which he can’t pretend he hasn’t done. You can look back at old posts.

Without telling us why you "argued about" this woman (read - why you don't like her) it's hard to know if he blocked you because, I dunno, she bullied your sister in high school or because she is now his girlfriend but he wants to keep you on the back burner.

You're acting like you are in a relationship when you aren't.

You have casual sex with each other when it suits - nothing more, nothing less.

He and you can do whatever ye want outside of that because you haven't made any promises to each other.

Perhaps your feelings are a lot stronger than you think or maybe it's just your ego. I hope it's just your ego as that's easier get over.

You could just mention that blocking you on IG was strange but I really wouldn't bother. This has done it's time.

I know you don't want to tell us why you have an issue with this particular woman, but what did you both agree on in regards to her.

She doesn't want him but also wants no one else to have him

I think I’d just be nice but also fairly straight -“ glad wedding went well, it looked beautiful, obviously I saw that you took Jane, no issue with you taking a date but feel slightly strange about the cover up, messages that you wish I’d been there etc.”.

see what his response is but your follow up could be… “we both have our own lives and don’t need to go into ins and outs but if it comes down to what basically feels like lies, it’s not great…”.

I think I’d also see it as a sign that this isnt really working for you anymore and walk away (mentally at least, even if no actual “finishing the relationship” is required, just don’t go back there again).

You're non-exclusive, which means his other relationship shouldn't bother you. If it does, you need to break up with him.

Based on your replies. I think what may be bothering you is the possibility that they are serious. I think the way to deal with it whilst keeping your dignity is something along the following lines:

"Glad the wedding went well and that you had a brilliant day. Once you're back home it would be good to have a chat to understand how serious your relationship is with X, and whether now is the time for us to wish each other well and go our separate ways. Let me know when you're free to chat."

I'd suggest that he wants to keep you happy and on-side (hence the IG story block) so that he can continue to see you as a fuck buddy

I'd also suggest that this other lady is more than a FWB and he's quite serious about her and wants to keep her in his life to see how their relationship pans out. And that his relationship with HER is more 'normal'

I think it appears to be hypocritical of YOU to want a fuck buddy situation but also to stop him seeing this other lady (reason for your need to control is unknown)

I think - you’re not as cool about the situation with him as you want to be.

I don’t know what you’re getting out of this situationship. He’s clearly lying to you and perhaps you are to him too.

I would just be single & fill the void with something more meaningful.