To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

With all due respect to the poster before me, you are stating your opinion as fact when you are I are strangers.

While I'm really grateful for all the responses, I never meant for the post to blow up like this and to need to explain things that I don't want to share as they're outing.

Appreciate people have had to fill in some gaps and made some assumptions, but it doesn't make them correct and it doesn't make it ok to tell a stranger how they feel, over and above what they're stating themselves.

I'm not saying that to be contentious or ungrateful for the responses here, or to say it wasn't fair to make an assessment about what you think of this situation (or any that you see on an internet forum, as that's exactly the point of posting). But telling someone how they feel, as if it's absolute fact, based on a handful of sentences online, doesn't seem right.

I think you should reply and not mention anything. Then meet up when he’s back and ask him.
I believe she is his g.f and he hasn’t told you this .

Why was she already a problem to you though?

More waffle and avoiding the point of why you think he should have found someone else to accompany him to the wedding TWO days before the wedding.

Only read your posts but it sounds all very plausible and like you both did the right things, or at least for the right reasons.

So I don't think it's a big deal or a bad sign.

Something naturally awkward happened, you born tried to be mature and understanding about it in friendly ways, and it still was somewhat awkward.

Doesn't sound like anyone's fault and sounds like you're both managing an intrinsically awkward set-up with good intentions.

I have been in a very similar situation to this, OP!

In my case, the "other woman" (for want of a better phrase) was someone we had argued about because she was, quite frankly, Bad News (she had upset his children in the past and I couldn't understand why he would continue to give her the time of day after that). A few weeks later he met up with her and hid it from me. I wasn't jealous – we were both dating other people and that was fine – but I was angry he had a) lied, given we had previously always been open about dates etc, and b) showed such bad judgement.

Ultimately it was the beginning of the end of our situationship and honestly, I'm much happier out of it.

Hope you manage to reach a resolution that works for you.

she had upset his children in the past

Call me old fashioned, but I would.hope children were being kept away from poorly modelled relationships like this.

With all due respect, you asked us what we thought... and you are also withholding information and making contradictory statements. I also can't help but feel that if there was no truth in what I said, you wouldn't be so bothered by it.

Despite your insistence to the contrary, everything you're actually doing (starting the thread, picking apart the situation, deliberately holding something back, getting offended - this is way more than a "handful of sentences") does indeed make it very clear that you have strong feelings about this. Why on earth would you do all this if you didn't?

It's not really anything to us if you won't be honest with yourself; you'll just carry on with this situation that isn't making you happy and may well be keeping you from finding something better. But people do that all the time.

I think the fact that OP calls it as a situationship says a lot though. Perhaps he thinks of it as an FWB while she doesn't, and therein lies the problem.

I don't think this is a misogynistic take. If a man started dictating who else his sometimes-gf or FWB (depending on how you see it) could date, people would also rightly call him out on wanting more than he has or should have.

^ Also, while I do acknowledge that the dishonesty is somewhat a separate problem, I think even if he WERE honest, i.e. he told OP "I'm seeing (woman OP hates) and that's that", OP wouldn't be as cool and unruffled as she claims. I might be wrong but she'd prob go into some kind of overthinking/decision spiral.

That's ok btw. It's ok to have feelings. Key thing is being honest with yourself first though.

I don't think the OP has said she thinks he should have found someone else to take him? She was shocked that he hadn't mentioned that she was there, and had in fact gone out of his way to make sure she didn't discover it. That made OP feel awkward and unsure whether to acknowledge it or not, and disrespected by him, because of the lack of honesty. But I can't see the OP saying anywhere that she thinks he shouldn't have taken this woman to the wedding.

I mean fair play to her if she still says she's not jealous, we'll never know cause we're not her, but she literally argued and fell out with him about him seeing that woman. That seems overinvested, more like jealousy than disapproval

I think she does think that. Why else would she say 'I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.'

Because, as she says in the line before, he'd been messaging her about the wedding, how much he wished she was there etc. So of course it was a shock to discover he actually had someone there with him that he hadn't mentioned at all in his messages!

And the travelling means it was clearly planned, not a 'bumped in to each other at the event' sort of thing.

OP isn't bothered by him having a woman there, just that he had this particular woman there. And all because this woman witnessed an argument between OP and Instaboy 2 days before the wedding.

It's some sort of strong feeling that isn't compatible with the kind of relationship they've got.

This is a man who took a woman (who you were surprised at) to a family wedding and took videos and pictures and posted them online, which were seen by all of his friends and family.

Then he blocked you so you wouldn’t find out.

This is not someone who I would believe and he’s only saying what you want to hear.

Just because you aren’t in a proper relationship, does not mean he gets to treat you like you’re stupid.

Carry on doing what you want to do but don’t be naive and keep in mind that he will keep things from you/bend the truth, so you continue to be his FWB.

Well that was part of my point, yes.

This is the reality, you are both floaters.

Did you not even read the ops posts? Before rushing in? Because if you had you’d know he isn’t doing that.

Having him of the back burner is preventing you from finding a lasting relationship.

Can you really not see it op? I mean you said you were a teacher so I’d assume a certain level of intelligence/memory/reading comprehension.

you tell us how you argued about this woman in the op. That you dint won’t to tell us why. Then yo7 tell us she just happened to be there and witnessed it, it wasn’t about her. It can’t be both.

earlier you told us you’d never met her, ( although in that was she with him and you phoned and argued about it, is that how you’ve not met her but she was there?)

you tell us you feel he was almost considerate, as he knew how hurt you’d be he took her, how angry you were when you found out he took her, then tell us you’re not bothered and would be happy if they were a couple.

you then tell us people are making erroneous assumptions, when they simply quote back what you said. Like we can’t read it for ourselves.

Fiirst off I mean no offense. Men and women too I'm sure will do what they can get away with. Maybe since you were so no strings attached he's now seeing someone who won't put up with that. A family wedding is a big deal. I'd walk away from this. It sounds like this is either a gf now or about to be.

I've got it - the wedding woman is gay or married.

Perhaps you should read them again because he absolutely did do that.

The entire thread is about how he blocked OP so she couldn’t see that he’d brought the woman in question.

I’m not sure what you’re on about tbh.

Please re-read my last post. I have absolutely no issue that people are making erroneous assumptions, and I understand why completely.

What I was picking up on was on one or two posts where people were telling me how I felt, as if it were fact.

It's one thing to say "it seems to me that...etc..."

It's another two say "OP, you feel XYZ...."z

Completely different thing. I said that quite clearly in my post.