To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

Basically he is conflict avoidant and that’s why he hid the Instagram stories from you. I think you did the right thing by getting it out in the open, being honest, and giving him the chance to be honest too.

Initially I thought perhaps the Wedding Guest was a sex worker and that's what led to the argument.

However, OP has clarified she has no specific issue with the Wedding Guest, despite saying she did have a specific issue in her original post i.e. no issue with FWB taking someone to the wedding, just not WG who happened to be 'on the scene' at the time of the argument.

So far as I can tell, this means WG was specifically mentioned during the argument but not present.

Subsequently the FWB took the WG to the wedding but (belatedly) attempted to hide that fact from the OP.

Why would he do that if OP has no specific issue with the WG? That's my basic question. My follow-up question would be: Was some sort of ultimatum issued during the argument?

FWIW, based on the scant/conflicting details provided by OP, I'd do what FWB did. Particularly so if some sort of (entirely inappropriate) ultimatum was issued during the argument. I'd do it because I'd think there would be, at best, a whole load of verbal grief coming my way for having done so even although I'm a free agent. Or, at worst, public comments that would ruin the day for everyone there.

Anyway, it's clear OP is offering no further details/clarification. Time for me to take myself off this thread as it's tedious.

Well to be honest, OP, the "facts" in your posts keep changing, contradict each other and you're keeping them deliberately incomplete anyway, so this is really the kind of fine nuance that you ought to be able to handle.

If the withheld information is so important that it changes everything - hell, if it's so important that you can't share it - then the entire thread is pointless because you're deliberately keeping back something crucial. In which case one has to wonder why you started it and have been engaging for days, because you totally don't have strong feelings and you're being very very honest with yourself.

Ahh @Trez1510 I hadn't thought of that possibility.

She was there with him when they had the argument on the phone. OP thinks he shouldn't have taken her to the wedding - pretending she was a date. That's why she was cross. She's not jealous because 'hey, it's just a job' to OW. And that's how she knows he isn't or wouldn't be in a romantic relationship with her.

I'll get me coat ....

A simple "I'm sure it was lovely, I hope you had fun with so and so" would suffice.

You say you don’t want exclusivity but your post suggests you do. The fact he took someone else to a wedding sort of suggests it’s a serious relationship as most couples only invite people they know. Even if she was a genuine plus one, to go to a wedding together shows the world you’re a couple.

I’d move on from him

This whole thing is idiotic. You're FWB, you dont get to police him, and he doesnt get to police you.

I'd just reply...
Iam fine thanks, glad you enjoyed the wedding, did (insert ow name) enjoy it too, you looked to be having a nice time.
Then go no contact with him., dump his sorry ass, he wants his cake and eat it!! Have some respect for yourself at the very least! You deserve better x

Sounds to me like he’s in a relationship with this other woman and you are just someone he used to see occasionally. If you only see each other a couple of times a year, you aren’t seeing each other non exclusively. You’re just friends who have sex occasionally. Sorry but you’re being unreasonable and he’s probably hid his insta because he doesn’t want his new girlfriend to find out he’s still in contact with you.

If you both date other people but yet you have argued about this woman he probably blocked you to stop an argument. If he is in regular contact with you he may really like you and wished you were there I think it was okay for him to bring another date though. You may be better off as just friends I would ask him why he didn't mention it and blocked you.

So hes sleeping around, youre sleeping around but also sleeping together every now and again. Sounds like an STI waiting to happen (also gross) If hes just a f* buddy which he obviously is from both sides then he can do what he wants. The whole set up is weird. Have abit more respect for yourself

None of your business tbh doesn't matter if you don't like her he can dip his d!ck where ever he pleases you are nothing more than a booty call to each other get over it or move on

I thought open relationships and FWB stuff was meant to be uncomplicated. I thought they were for free spirited people who didn’t put any claims or expectations on another person. Maybe I’ve got that wrong but if they’re as fraught as monogamous relationships why bother. 🤷‍♀️

Nail on head.

No relationships are uncomplicated. Open relationships can be very serious and committed, even marriages can be open, so how could that be 'uncomplicated'? The rewards of open relationships or FWBs or being polyamorous are worth it to those who choose them but that doesn't mean they never have any emotional attachments, complications or need to communicate.

I prefer the ‘nail on head’ response 🙂

I'm so confused as to how he's treating you like an idiot. You aren't together, he doesn't owe you anything, included any explanation or conversation regarding the wedding guest he chose to take with him, or the Instagram stories. It would be cringe worthy for you to bring it up as if you are exclusive.

Exactly. I personally couldn’t give a flying F because it’s not my life. I’m not saying I have or have not been in similar situations but at the end of the day it’s OP who’s hand wringing or not here (she says not though re not bothered).

The thing I don’t like, especially when me and other PP’s comment here are the drip feeds. That’s always been an MN no no.

OP: we’re not exclusive I don’t care about him but I don’t like the other woman even though I’ve never met her.

Rest of MN: you do like him otherwise why would you be so bothered about him and her (get your driving licence back too!).

OP: but I’m really really not bovvered! Said a la Vicky Pollard

True. Usually when people say "there's something secret and super special about this situation that makes it different from what it looks, I swear" it's because they know the situation is exactly how it looks. OP sounds very reasonable and articulate but I can't help getting the impression of denial/delusion to some extent. Her super secret reason is probably "this isn't a typical FWB/situationship ... We have/had history/something special/etc". Which, yknow, makes it like every other FWB/situationship on the planet.

How old are you? It sounds incredibly immature all round. You’re not together so he took someone else. Without knowing what this woman has done it’s hard to judge. Also, why aren’t you together if you like him and he likes you ?

She’s nursing a hope he really has feelings for her.

She would have been better to phrase the post that way and people would have been gentler in saying “ I’m sorry OP, but everything points to the fact this really is no more than it’s been expressed to be which is fwb and he’s blocked you because he doesn’t care, not because he does. It’s also even quite a disrespectful fwb arrangement. Please move on.

It’s actually quite embarrassing that OP is so reasonable and articulate yet in denial. Her life of course…

This is the one reason I could never try FWB relationships. I either thought I’d catch feelings or the other person would do so I steered clear.

I’ve got a friend who uses sites such as Adult Friend Finder for NSA sex but even she’s caught feelings in the past when she’s not intended to do so.

As the common saying goes “de Nile is not just a river in Africa”.

As I said before and so have PP’s said “yes, she’s caught feelings, yes she cares more, yes he’s a player”. But the whole point of that is when you deny feelings or ignore signs which are there then you’re the person who’s harming yourself long term.