To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

He took her to a wedding where he was walking the bride down the aisle. This wasn’t just a date, she’s a serious relationship for him.

I don’t understand why you don’t just ask him then? Reply to him, you don’t have to be mad, just ask why he’s blocked you from stories and start a conversation about it.

Sounds like he is in a relationship with her.

Is that why you don't like her? Do you get the sense she might be a potential serious relationship partner for him?

You can't have a non exclusive situationship, date other people, have a don't ask - don't tell agreement, but then start saying "yeah but you can't date that one", and get pissed off when he does.

It's either open, or it's not.

I think it's time to cut this one loose so you can both get on with your lives and dating other people properly, without this simmering away in the background.

I don’t think you can be occasional Fwb who he goes with . It doesn’t work like that and you don’t seem to wish why you habe an issue with this woman.

are you jealous?

This, how can you be fwb, don't ask don't tell, do what you want, but not THAT (or her?.)

I respect your decision not to say what his date had previously done to you for you to have a problem with him dating her when you don’t have a problem with him dating anyone else; but without knowing that it’s hard to comment.

If she has assaulted you, stolen from you or any other really serious act, then yes, I would expect him to show loyalty to you and not want to be around her. That would also be indicative of his values and who he chooses to associate with.

But if the problem you have with her isn’t as serious as that then the casual relationship you have with him doesn’t, to my mind, give you grounds to comment on time he spends with her. That he posted pictures of them at the wedding suggests he thought it a good thing to do until he realised you might react badly (and then blocked you from seeing them).

It seems you are taking the relationship more seriously than he is and as you only see each other a couple of times a year, it seems a bit much to take it seriously at all.

You definitely need to have an honest conversation about the woman, the wedding but most importantly what the relationship is.

"Well you obviously werent lonely! Bit silly blocking me from seeing the photos of you with X at the wedding, after I had already seen them. By the way, does she know that you message about how much you miss me and that we fuck like rabbits every time I am home?!"

Put simply, you are now the OW.

It looks like he is in a relationship of sorts with her and that you are the occasional other woman . Too messy OP and causing you upset .

Keep it straight forward . I saw the pictures with X at the wedding . Is it getting serious between you ? .. or something of that ilk

He knows you have had some sort of discussion regarding this oarticualr woman he is dating, so blocked you, which is a tad silly on both your parts. You're either friends or you aren't, and you either accept he's having sex with multiple women, including you when it's convenient to you both, or you don't. He obviously likes spending time with this woman, and if you can deal with that, then either the sex had to end and keep the friendship, or both ends

In the olden days guys used to use the term 'seeing eachother' as a weapon against women. If they found someone they liked, it was your fault for being annoyed because they never said you were exclusive. If you found someone you liked, they could say that you'd betrayed them and use it as an excuse to break it off or make you feel guilty.

In this brave new pan/polysexual world you don't seem much better off. You now agree that they expose you to risk of STDs, as well as emotional uncertainty. Sorry, I don't believe that feelings don't come into it. They always do on one side. It just becomes a game or who likes the other more.

You are a teacher right? Would you encourage a pupil into a relationship like this? I hope not. Surely you want as good for yourself as you would hope for others?

Look, I'm going to have a bit of armchair psychology now. You are probably a pretty girl. Probably insecure though. You think this will protect you and deep down that maybe he will choose you.
He won't choose you. They never do.
He's just not that into you.

Ask yourself what you want from your life? If you ever want a long term partner, kids etc then why are you wasting years playing a background character in someone else's room com?

Dating does not get easier as you get older. As a woman you actually do have limited fertility time whatever the Kardashians or whoever might say. Don't waist the years when you are young and carefree and beautiful picking up crumbs from men that don't respect you.

Buy "He's just not that into you". I ditched the fuckboys and three months after reading that book and finding self respect I found my husband. Who does respect me. That's not a coincidence.

Stop drifting through life like you have all the time in the world or no control. You can have a say in what your relationships look like and I don't think you'd have reacted this way or posted if you were wanting this as a lifestyle choice.

Don't waste the pretty.

You’re being controlling trying to dictate who he sees when you’re not exclusive and you also date others.

im also guessing you’re not revealing the issue you have with this woman is because it doesn’t paint you favourably

‘Hiya,
Aw that’s nice I’m glad you had a nice time at the wedding!
Not trying to start any arguments but just to let you know I couldn’t help but notice that girl was at the wedding with you. I wasn’t sure but then when I was scrolling insta later I realised your stories were gone?
just wanted to check in really if everything’s okay with us or if there’s anything I should know about, just felt a bit strange to me 🙈’

The fact is that he shags you twice a year, but she was in the role of the partner of "Father of the Bride". She knows his family, probably sat at the top table, was certainly acknowledged as his OH.......

Yeah you are his side piece. Which I suppose one could argue would be ok if you knew that at the start (although morally questionable on your part if you had continued to see him) but you didnt. He has turned you into his bit on the side without your knowledge or consent. Very much NOT ok.

He said he wished you were there?!

"What, as well as, or instead of your main squeeze? "

Would be my first question. Wtf?

I think it sounds as if he does like you a lot, but you are not available. But if you were… he’d choose you. You need to be honest about your feelings, if you want to be with him tell him… if you don’t you have no right being angry and should just be transparent ‘you don’t need to hide your stories from me, if you’re dating x that’s fine and I hope you’re happy.’

It's none of your business though, and he probably blocked you from his stories because he knew it would invoke a reaction like this if you had seen them. He can date whoever he wants.

Finally a sensible suggested response, instead of the passive aggressive nonsense. Be nice.

I would consider it my business if I realised that instead of being a FWB, all parties are aware, situation that I had become the OW because he has got a full time girlfriend and not told me. The fact that she was his guest at a family wedding where he played a very major role, suggests that she wasnt there as a "mate". FWB situations only work with full honesty, the same as poly type relationships. As soon as one party lies, the whole dynamic changes.

If the OP is happy to be the OW I would question her morals, but at least she would have the full facts. Its that fact that, on the face of it, Wedding Girl appears to be his "official" partner and the OP is the side shag. Whether he would choose her if she were there full time is not relevant, she isnt and this "as and when" arrangement was agreed long ago. He appears to have changed that without her knowledge or consent.

Not being exclusive does not mean not being honest.

This. ‘It looked like a beautiful day. I hope you and X had a nice time, I’d love to see more pictures.’ Acknowledge that you know he took her and allude to the fact you’re aware his stories have been hidden from you.
Honestly this relationship seems to have run its course though.

I'd reply and say you saw he took X to the wedding and then blocked you from your Instagram stories. Don't pretend that you don't know, it's much better to be up front! Only you can decide how much this bothers you and if you want to carry on with this fairly casual relationship. It may be that it's run it's course and he's becoming more serious about the other woman?

"Hope you both have a lovely time"

Block

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

Well, you've said it yourself. "It's not exclusive".

So he is "not exclusive" either. Can't have it both ways.....

I say this kindly, but it looks to me like she is girlfriend material and you’re not. He’s posting photos of them both together on his social media. That’s not something you do when you’re in a causal sexual relationship.

You’ve said you live a distance and that’s why it didn’t work as an exclusive commitment to each other. Maybe he’s looking for that and she can offer it?

for your own self worth and dignity, I’d suggest you step back and see what happens.