To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

The fact you're upset about a specific person speaks volumes.

Reply in a light/cheerful tone that you hope he and X had a good time. Stay on friendly terms message-wise but slow fade. Don't be available next time you come visit.

Do you want to continue this? If so then I'd just ignore it because as you say he's free to take who he likes and doesn't have to tell you anything. Personally however, I don't think this is working for you any more and it would be better to just end it by telling him that. I think you're more upset about this woman than is healthy to be in this situation and so this isn't working for you. You now want more depth and more openness and honesty than this set up allows you.

He's playing you both, one of you was his first choice to go to the wedding, one of you is his current number one, you know you're better off away from this situation, it'll never change and could stop you finding real happiness with someone else if that's what you want.

Text him that, it’s clear and upfront.

What is it you want out of this situationship, if anything? How would you feel if one day soon he told you that he can no longer speak to you/see you because it is now serious between him and this woman? Would you care?

This all sounds so messy. You're not even dating and it still sounds like you're his bit on the side and he is treating you (and maybe this other woman too) like you're stupid. I couldn't deal with it, i'd be angry and tapping out at this point.

I think the reality is that you don’t really know what’s going on and you are not really entitled to know in the current arrangement you have. If I were you, I’d just be straight forward with him, tell him that you saw that he has taken a date to the wedding so there was no need to block you from seeing his stories. Perhaps he didn’t want to hurt you, especially if you have already had a problem with that woman in the past. Either way, I’d be very careful how I word things as you don’t want to come across as jealous and demanding. But it would be good to try and clarify for yourself what you actually want to have with him going forward.

"Oh poor Sarah, that's pretty shit for her that you're wishing you'd taken me instead!"

You're way more invested than you realise, or you wouldnt care. But you're choosing when you care. This situation is not for you anymore as feelings have clearly been caught.

How ridiculous either date him or let him go this is unfair on every girl he dates. That poor girl.

Surely you realise that at some point a conversation about the seriousness of one of your other relationships was going to have to happen. This point has arrived. I wouldn't make it about being blocked from viewing stories, that massively trivialises what's happening. If it were me I'd respond normally and engage in some general chat then in a few days say that you think it is time to have an open conversation about how each of you would prefer to know/not know about other relationships and agree how you will check in if your dynamic needs to change. You need to know beforehand what your own ground rules are.

You like each other, you have sex together, I'm sure you can navigate a conversation where you discuss this.

Say it then. You will soon find out where the land lies and whether this non-exclusive intermittent long distance non-relationship means anything to him.

I bet she is his girlfriend and has no clue he is fucking you when you visit town. This guy is a sleeve. Stop wasting your time with him.

"I think three would have been a crowd don't you?"

Or just be a grown up and use your words.

He's just not that into you.

I'd cut him loose and move on, never to speak to him again. (Unless the message you mention about practicalities is discussing a payment plan for him to pay you back 2k or something, in which case, I'd get that in writing first and then it'd be bye bye)

You can't call it fuckboi behaviour when you're doing the same thing? You both date around and see other people, why should it be a problem that he is doing exactly what you've both always done.

Can't understand people calling him a creep for this at all.

I’d ignore what he said about wishing I was there and asking if he and whatever her name is had a good time. And that they looked like they were enjoying themselves in his photos.

as you are upset about, you really need to consider if you are happy sharing a man.

It’s ridiculous to pretend you’ve not seen it especially when you have questions you need answers to.

a) she could be his actual girlfriend which tells you everything you need about his character (it must be vaguely serious for him to take her to a wedding, people don’t take casual people as dates in my experience).
b) if he’s the type to actively hide people on stories then I’d imagine what else he’s used to hiding - the fact you have mutual friends confirming you were hidden sort of adds insult to injury that he didn’t think ahead enough to know you’d find out. Did he hide her because he knew you’d freak out or did he hide her because it reveals they’re more serious or to spare your feelings (unlikely as he was sloppy enough to not hide the first one you saw so clearly wasn’t thinking about you till you saw and he thought oh shit).
c) a guy that takes another girl with presumed history to a wedding whilst voice noting another saying he wishes they were with him is a fuckboy. He could have gone alone or taken a friend if he’s that into you, the fact he chose her (knowing the risk of your arguments) tells you she is worth the risk of pissing you off, and maybe he’s playing you both like a fiddle.

He’s muddied the waters by not being transparent about her which is where the issue lies.

He's using you for sex. That's it. If you want more, completely cut him out of your life. He will find a way to contact you if he really wants too.

If it was me I'd message saying I know you took x to the wedding. I'm sad you felt you had to hide it from me. We aren't exclusive and you shouldn't be hiding things like that.
I hope she knows about me otherwise you're not being fair to her.

With that, you get to pass the message to him that you know he took her, you think he's childish for trying to hide it, you don't much care plus you look like a better person for expressing concern for her even if in reality you don't give a shit.

Realistically I dont want to know and we've always had a don't ask, don't tell policy. Ignorance is bliss, etc

I don’t see what he’s done wrong if that’s been your policy. He was just trying to keep you from it.

Go round to her house and put her windows in.

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Honestly. Set the bar a bit higher. You are worth more than this liar. Finish it and move on.

When you start rowing with your fuckbuddy it no longer works.

Answer the bit you have to absolutely answer and tell him your friendship as it stands no longer works for you and you'll see him around.

You're sounding like a girlfriend who's just caught her bloke cheating. It's done, I'm sorry OP.

I don't get why you feel you have any right to argue/complain about anyone he's seeing in a non exclusive relationship, same would apply if you were dating someone he disapproved of.

I rather feel that she is his girlfriend and he's playing you. Sorry, I think you want much more but it is unlikely to be forthcoming. The solution is in your hands though, walk away.