To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

I think you just say ‘come on Joe, pull the other leg now. I am hardly going to believe you wished I was there, that would have been very awkward for you!’ End of message.

The non-exclusive thing is key here. In actual open relationships, there is a "main" relationship with lesser ones on the side. Openness, honesty and consent is required in those types of relationship. You and him don't have an open relationship. You are not his "main" partner. He isn't required to be open and honest about who he is seeing, nor need your consent. What you've really done by being non-exclusive is lessened your importance.

He hasn't told you he took this woman because he doesn't believe it has anything to do with you. He has either blocked you from seeing his stories because he doesn't want trouble from you, or because he knows how you feel about her and doesn't want to wave it in your face.

At the end of the day, as you've already pointed out, the relationship you have agreed to have means you don't have the right to have an opinion on this. If you want to continue being friends basically, and meeting up a couple of times a year, then just ignore it and detach yourself from your annoyance. Or confront him and risk him deciding your friendship isn't going to work. Personally, I would walk away because there is no future in this as a romantic relationship and there are too many blurred lines for it to work as a friendship.

I would write simply “You know I saw it… Pity you have to be too immature to discuss it like an adult.”

You don't have any claim on him as you are not in a relationship with him.

To become the green eyed monster over him taking a woman to a wedding is going to make you appear deranged and you'll have egg on your face.

You've obviously got deeper feelings for him than he has for you so why not forget about him and move on.

In my opinion?

He is bringing her as his date to a wedding with his friends. That is a big one.

He is public about it on Instagram. Also a big one.

He likes her and will make it official.

Dont do this to yourself.

Grab your dignity and let him go.

Just tell him you met someone new!

You said yourself you have a don't ask, don't tell policy. He hasn't stepped out of that.
If this set up is no longer working for you then move on from it. Listen to your heart on this one. You're hurting yourself.

I don't get it. You're not really in a relationship, you both date others, you see each other infrequently and you want to dictate who he brings to a wedding? This is bonkers and I think you probably know that. If you can't live with the other woman/women in his life maybe it's time to discuss what you both want at this point. Might be time to cut the cord....

It sounds like neither of you are communicating enough for an open relationship. “Ignorance is bliss” is like pretending you’re in a monogamous relationship. You can’t be hurt he was with someone else when you set the rules it’s open. Unfortunately, but not communicating with each other you’re hurt that he’s using the open part. It’s not fair on him, or on you. Look up guidance on polyamorous relationships - if you think you’d be uncomfortable with the typical ground rules then I’d call it off. Equally, there’s so many variations - that you’d have to talk to him to find out if you’re on the same page with what the boundaries and rules are.

Are you the OW and this is his wife?

Why not say, you’d wished you could have been there too and was looking forward to seeing the wedding photos but you seem to have blocked me from seeing them on instagram. Any particular reason why?

Be honest and say you know he took her to the wedding and has restricted you from seeing anymore, which is his right but that the events are clearly bothering you and he is choosing to hide this.

That it’s clear now he has feelings for this woman and that’s OK.

that adult thing to do is call of whatever the two of you have because you too are clearly feeling intense emotions around this woman and him and you want to save yourself from further hurt.

Wow,tell me you don’t understand why fwb is without telling me you don’t understand what fwb is 😂

He’s clearly blocked her as he knows the ops feelings. Which I’m not convinced aren’t rooted in jealousy. She’s not entitled to see his insta, they are simply long distance occasional shags. He was obvs playing nice about wishing she was there, maybe he had wished it. Who knows. But they aren’t in a relationship so the op needs to accept that if they aren’t she doesn’t get to dictate who else he sees. If she wants a relationship she needs to have the convo.

He has a girlfriend. You’re the side piece. He doesn’t want you to see the pictures because he doesn’t want you to make comments on them where she might see them.

The relationship you have is so toxic. You can’t tell someone you don’t like them enough to try long distance (effectively what you’ve both agreed) and then pine for each other when it comes to attending events. Either you’re FWB and you leave the rest out or you try for something proper but you can’t kid yourselves that this halfway house situationship is sustainable. You’ll just hurt each other.

in terms of replying, just keep it neutral but make it clear you know i.e. “ah it looks like you had a fantastic time - what a beautiful wedding”.

You aren’t his girlfriend.

You have no right to argue with him about who he sees, how often or how intense their relationship is.

The only issue here is how honest he is being with this other woman or the other women he sees.

Peobably not that honest, as he is clearly lying to you to feed your need to believe you are the top dog..

However, you clearly aren’t top dog to him, and you are not happy with that.

You need to say goodbye to this relationship which is no longer working for you.

I always like it when the first answer is the sensible one

He’s just messing you about.
whats the point of whatever you are doing with him? I can’t see any point to it and if you like him at all you’ll end up hurt, and if you don’t like him, you’ll end up thinking even worse of him from this type of shitty behaviour. I would bin him off.. can’t see any point in continuing the drama for no real relationship..

Why not respond solely to the practical issue - deal with that, and then cut ties.

Or also just say that you both know he is lying - wish him well with his partner and say that you will be moving on?

In some way your tie to him might be stopping you meeting someone more permanent (if that’s what you want)?

Anyway he doesn’t sound very nice or mature.

Respond to the practical thing and nothing else.

He chose posting photos of her online over you seeing them. He blocked you rather than a) be honest or b) deal with your feelings. Just drop him and move on.

Why is he to blame? They're in an open relationship so can see who they like.

When you have an open door relationship, don't be surprised when people wander in and out.
You have what amounts to an open relationship, except 'i don't want you seeing x, y or x...' so it is only open on your terms
He has acted according to the rules, you are assumimg he has blocked you. Why not use your words to ask him why he blocked you, if indeed he did. You also need to decide whether such a relationship suits you, because it sounds like it does not

There is nothing really to drop. They are casual shags.

I think this message is fine how it is OP. But I also think, regardless of any follow up conversation, it’s time to move on.

He blocked you because you argued about her….-and we don’t have details about why she provoked your argument but it seems like this is not healthy. Don’t date around. Date with intention. It is likely he is looking for wife material. You should be looking elsewhere because if living on opposite sides of england is too much distance you guys just aren’t seeing a future together. You can pretend to be ok with it but you will get hurt.