Page 22 | To tell him I know she's there

DoughBallss · 27/04/2024 22:57

Just a thought but if your argument about this woman was only two days before the wedding he’d probably already invited her and couldn’t change his decision at that point?

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 27/04/2024 23:55

Sorry but this reply did crack me up! 🤣🤣

"That was a good an honest message OP"

Did you miss the bit where she'd said...

I also said if they were a couple, it's completely fine and I'm happy he's met someone

Vive42 · 28/04/2024 00:00

Hope he’s decent in his reply to you OP.

Waiting for your update…

mysteriousspiderbite · 28/04/2024 01:50

tailgate · 27/04/2024 15:02

I realise that leaving out some key info has left a lot of room for (very incorrect) assumptions but that's fine. I'll take that over losing my privacy.

I messaged him back today, finally. I said that I hadn't replied because I hadn't known what to say, as he must know I am aware he's blocked me from seeing his stories, and that he must realise I know why, too.

I said I was disappointed we couldn't have had an adult conversation about it instead and that it made it awkward for me to know how to respond to him.

I also said if they were a couple, it's completely fine and I'm happy he's met someone (as it happens, I'd be very surprised if they are, again for reasons I don't want to share here).

I know it's easy to paint a woman in a situationship as obsessed with the man and delusional, but that really isn't the case here, although I realise I have chosen not to give enough info to explain that.

Really grateful for everyone's responses. I wasn't expecting any replies, let alone 500!

You were disappointed about the lack of adult conversation around it - but you have not had an adult conversation with him around it.

You've sent him a text (in which you lied and pretended to be happy for them as a couple), rather than spoken with him like an adult. And I see no mention of your driving licence. (I guess bringing that up would not be aligned with the Cool Girl approach you are trying to bring off for him.)

Lampslights · 28/04/2024 07:15

mysteriousspiderbite · 28/04/2024 01:50

You were disappointed about the lack of adult conversation around it - but you have not had an adult conversation with him around it.

You've sent him a text (in which you lied and pretended to be happy for them as a couple), rather than spoken with him like an adult. And I see no mention of your driving licence. (I guess bringing that up would not be aligned with the Cool Girl approach you are trying to bring off for him.)

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Ok,I’m afraid I also agree, you were very disingenuous, saying you were happy for them, and clearly you are hoping they are not a couple, so you were trying to prompt for reassurance, hugely manipulative.

I really do not think he’s the one being immature, you keep telling us you’re not jealous, but your actions scream of jealousy and a manipulative pick me dance.

rwalker · 28/04/2024 07:34

Your not exclusive and both can see other people which he is doing

he’s taken the path of least resistance for an easy life and not told you

I don’t understand why you think you are in a position to dictate who he can and can’t go out with

people are just telling you what you want to hear and agreeing with you
he’s done nothing wrong

sounds like you want more from this relationship than what’s on offer

Poettree · 28/04/2024 07:44

I think the message is fine - she's asked for clarification and isn't suffering in silence, maybe he will follow suit with something a bit clearer and less evasive than blocked instagram stories, the big baby.

Also so what if she's jealous? Or a bit hurt. It's called being human.

Some posters here seem to take the whole stiff upper lip thing a bit too far. Its 2024, we can have feelings!

Lampslights · 28/04/2024 07:51

Poettree · 28/04/2024 07:44

I think the message is fine - she's asked for clarification and isn't suffering in silence, maybe he will follow suit with something a bit clearer and less evasive than blocked instagram stories, the big baby.

Also so what if she's jealous? Or a bit hurt. It's called being human.

Some posters here seem to take the whole stiff upper lip thing a bit too far. Its 2024, we can have feelings!

It’s the happy if they are a couple thing, when they both know she would be very unhappy if they are a couple. And she doesn’t think they are.

diddl · 28/04/2024 08:12

I mean in the first post Op puts that they would be exclusive if she hadn't moved away.

I wonder who has said that though?

And if they would be exclusive for each other, why won't/can't they be for others?

Are they hoping/pretending that in time they'll be together?

T1Dmama · 28/04/2024 23:32

Personally i don’t see the point in playing games… just tell him you’d have loved to have gone with him… but it might’ve been a little awkward for ‘Jayne’ if you’d been there too! Then just say ‘oh seriously though James, I do wish you could just be honest with me…. And ask him straight if his relationship with Jayne has become serious because while you’ve been happy with the arrangement so far you don’t really want to be the other woman if Jayne thinks they’re serious!

Calliopespa · 29/04/2024 07:40

Lampslights · 28/04/2024 07:15

Ok,I’m afraid I also agree, you were very disingenuous, saying you were happy for them, and clearly you are hoping they are not a couple, so you were trying to prompt for reassurance, hugely manipulative.

I really do not think he’s the one being immature, you keep telling us you’re not jealous, but your actions scream of jealousy and a manipulative pick me dance.

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Actually I agree it was disingenuous to say she is happy if they are a couple but I don’t think it was wrong of her to say it. OP needs to reverse out of this fwb situation.

If fwb was all it really was for her, she wouldn’t give a toss who the ow was. That’s the point of fwb. It’s not a way of keeping a guy you really kinda fancy on the hook because you don’t think a long distance relationship will work/ that he won’t commit/ you don’t want to commit . Any of the latter three possibilities are going to get messy - and this situation strikes me ( hard!) as one or a combination of them.

OP should give him her blessing, cut free and move on. The reality for most of us is that friends are not people we have sexual intercourse with. It takes a very specific, and, in a way, disciplined ( or disconnected) mindset to navigate fwb.

Delatron · 29/04/2024 08:40

What did he reply?

Lampslights · 29/04/2024 08:49

I agree the op needs to reverse out. She has feelings she doesn’t wish to admit to. The issue is she doesn’t wish to. Her text is to get reassurance that they are not a couple, and it would appear the driving licence is a tool so she can see him again.

Goodtogossip · 29/04/2024 13:34

Message him & ask 'Any particular reason why you blocked me from IG' & take it from there.

Original poster

tailgate · 30/04/2024 08:40

Delatron · 29/04/2024 08:40

What did he reply?

He said that they are absolutely not a couple (which I knew - I know this part doesn't make sense on this post because I've excluded some info but you'll have to take my word for it),

He also said that he doesn't have good answers on how to move forward because he has a lot of feelings for me but neither of us want to do long distance and that he acknowledges it was a weird way to handle things (the blocking) but he didn't know what else to do.

I'm really not as torn up about it as the post might suggest though, genuinely.

OP posts:

Lampslights · 30/04/2024 08:42

Why did you do the disingenuous thing and say you’d be happy if fhey were a couple, when you knew they weren’t and would have been far from happy?

Original poster

tailgate · 30/04/2024 08:44

Lampslights · 30/04/2024 08:42

Why did you do the disingenuous thing and say you’d be happy if fhey were a couple, when you knew they weren’t and would have been far from happy?

That isn't the case.

I would be happy for him.

I'd also be slightly jealous (although not massively as he isn't a realistic long term partner for me).

A voice note where I said "if you're dating her then I'd be happy for you but also slightly jealous but not much", might've been a bit odd though, hey?

OP posts:

Original poster

tailgate · 30/04/2024 08:45

Lampslights · 30/04/2024 08:42

Why did you do the disingenuous thing and say you’d be happy if fhey were a couple, when you knew they weren’t and would have been far from happy?

When I say I "knew" they weren't a couple, I just meant I strongly assumed.

OP posts:

Lampslights · 30/04/2024 08:47

tailgate · 30/04/2024 08:44

That isn't the case.

I would be happy for him.

I'd also be slightly jealous (although not massively as he isn't a realistic long term partner for me).

A voice note where I said "if you're dating her then I'd be happy for you but also slightly jealous but not much", might've been a bit odd though, hey?

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If you’d genuinely be happy for them, then why have you kicked off about this woman two days before and then been so gutted they went to the wedding, it’s starting to read like you’re now gaslighting us, as well as him.

JudgyGarland · 30/04/2024 08:50

He told you exactly enough to keep you dangling.

If really hope you got some self respect and extracted yourself from this situation, but you seem determined to continue the drama.

It's really not Romeo and Juliet, it's a lukewarm fuck buddy situation.
Honestly, what's keeping you tethered to this ridiculous situation- does he have a magic penis?

sandyhappypeople · 30/04/2024 09:48

tailgate · 30/04/2024 08:40

He said that they are absolutely not a couple (which I knew - I know this part doesn't make sense on this post because I've excluded some info but you'll have to take my word for it),

He also said that he doesn't have good answers on how to move forward because he has a lot of feelings for me but neither of us want to do long distance and that he acknowledges it was a weird way to handle things (the blocking) but he didn't know what else to do.

I'm really not as torn up about it as the post might suggest though, genuinely.

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To be honest OP, from his point of view, this doesn't answer anything.

He's saying they are not a couple, but he has been seeing her and he took her to a family wedding across the country.. if they aren't a couple he certainly thinks a lot more of her then just someone he is seeing.

I assume there is some history between you and this woman or there's some bad blood somewhere along the way which makes him seeing her feel like a betrayal to you, even though you have both agreed to this don't ask don't tell policy, that's perfectly understandable even though we don't know the circumstances of it.

But all I can think of is married men who have affairs, they tell their affair partner they aren't doing x, y and z with their wives (like sleeping in the same bed, or going to family events), because it would only 'upset them' to know about it, and the affair partner chooses to believe it because they have no other option really, it's the same don't ask, don't tell type arrangement that's going on here, they know if they were honest the affair partner would sack them off, that's why they keep up the pretense and lie by omission, or just outright lie, they want to have their cake and eat it.

He knows going out with this woman upsets you, so he could (A) choose not to see her out of loyalty to you (depends on your history with her and what's actually happened between you, so unsure if that's reasonable or not), or his other option (B) is just being honest and saying that it is what it is, he wants to see her and that's that. He's choosing the cowards way out (C) of doing it anyway and hiding it from you in the hope you never find out.

If he had any respect for you, when you've messaged him to say you knew he should have gone option B and said that he really cares for you but he likes this woman and wants to see her, and would prefer that he didn't have to do it behind your back, not tell you 'he doesn't know', he KNEW when he invited her, and he KNEW to hide it from you, but all of a sudden he doesn't know why he did it? He's treating you like an idiot.

I couldn't be friends with someone who felt they had to lie to me, the relationship isn't on the cards because of the distance, so maybe time to just move on from him, at least have a break for a while from him and see how you really feel after that.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/04/2024 10:00

Urgh - why are you even in such a messy situation.

You like him enough to shag him when it suits you, but you dont want to commit to a relationship- fine. You dont get to be jealous (thats what you are) with this woman - you're seeing other people too right? You have developed feelings for him - this cannot continue anymore. Simple as. Its unfair on him as he has hidden the picture/stories to protect you - the fact that he even feels he has to hide it is not fair on him, he isn't doing anything wrong is he? You need to stop seeing him and find someone who is closer to you etc. Of course he can tell you he misses you and wished you were at the wedding with him, he might absolutely feel that way - but realistically you weren't able to go, and he wanted to bring someone else. OP - move on, this can't work anymore. Sorry.

SittingBackAndWatchingTheClowns · 30/04/2024 10:03

tailgate · 25/04/2024 18:19

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

It sounds to me as though the other woman is his proper girlfriend, and you're just the friends with benefits. He says he wishes you were at the wedding in order to keep you sweet, as he wants to carry on having casual sex with you. Find your self-respect and get rid of him.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 30/04/2024 10:15

sandyhappypeople · 30/04/2024 09:48

To be honest OP, from his point of view, this doesn't answer anything.

He's saying they are not a couple, but he has been seeing her and he took her to a family wedding across the country.. if they aren't a couple he certainly thinks a lot more of her then just someone he is seeing.

I assume there is some history between you and this woman or there's some bad blood somewhere along the way which makes him seeing her feel like a betrayal to you, even though you have both agreed to this don't ask don't tell policy, that's perfectly understandable even though we don't know the circumstances of it.

But all I can think of is married men who have affairs, they tell their affair partner they aren't doing x, y and z with their wives (like sleeping in the same bed, or going to family events), because it would only 'upset them' to know about it, and the affair partner chooses to believe it because they have no other option really, it's the same don't ask, don't tell type arrangement that's going on here, they know if they were honest the affair partner would sack them off, that's why they keep up the pretense and lie by omission, or just outright lie, they want to have their cake and eat it.

He knows going out with this woman upsets you, so he could (A) choose not to see her out of loyalty to you (depends on your history with her and what's actually happened between you, so unsure if that's reasonable or not), or his other option (B) is just being honest and saying that it is what it is, he wants to see her and that's that. He's choosing the cowards way out (C) of doing it anyway and hiding it from you in the hope you never find out.

If he had any respect for you, when you've messaged him to say you knew he should have gone option B and said that he really cares for you but he likes this woman and wants to see her, and would prefer that he didn't have to do it behind your back, not tell you 'he doesn't know', he KNEW when he invited her, and he KNEW to hide it from you, but all of a sudden he doesn't know why he did it? He's treating you like an idiot.

I couldn't be friends with someone who felt they had to lie to me, the relationship isn't on the cards because of the distance, so maybe time to just move on from him, at least have a break for a while from him and see how you really feel after that.

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Most men I know who take a woman to a wedding or even christening or funeral, either it’s well known they’re an item or going to be an item, or it’s well known she’s just a plus one who’s a friend and nothing else. Same if it’s a man accompanying a woman to same events.

I personally can’t see why OP is bothered if she says he’s not a serious long term prospect.

Calliopespa · 30/04/2024 10:50

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 30/04/2024 10:15

Most men I know who take a woman to a wedding or even christening or funeral, either it’s well known they’re an item or going to be an item, or it’s well known she’s just a plus one who’s a friend and nothing else. Same if it’s a man accompanying a woman to same events.

I personally can’t see why OP is bothered if she says he’s not a serious long term prospect.

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That’s the bit we’re all confused about!

I think the only sensible answer is she needs to be honest with herself she’d like more, and, more importantly, that it isn’t going to happen. Saying he has feelings but doesn’t want long distance is nonsense. What it really means is I don’t have feelings enough to not want to shag local prospects, which lets face it, is not really a relationship starter. Fine if OP is genuinely happy to be an occasional, but in that case it’s necessary to not want to be a consistent part of his life - including what he’s doing and posting photos of.

I’d move on OP: he’s not doing you any real favours here, despite his rhetoric.