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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him I know she's there

624 replies

tailgate · 25/04/2024 18:19

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

OP posts:
GRex · 27/04/2024 12:39

Did you ‘forget’ it at his place to keep the door open? Even subconsciously? I remember playing that game with someone I really liked but the feelings were not reciprocated.
This is exactly what's going on, as well as the rules to sleep with anyone... oh, except that one because you like her. Any contact is fine, but he isn't allowed to hide anything (even if it's the other woman who's blocked her and that's why she can't see the photos).

OP - a proper relationship will make you much happier, you simply don't feel casual about this guy.

FeeBee73 · 27/04/2024 12:42

tailgate · 25/04/2024 18:19

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

Just dump him. I have been there when I was younger and it doesn't end well. He is having his cake and eating it.
Weddings are really key occasions and your plus one is normally someone who is important to you as you see friends and family there.
I bet she knows nothing about you.
He was scared you would comment and that's why you got blocked.

GoldEagle · 27/04/2024 12:43

You need to decide what you want from this relationship going forward. Does he tell you about all the women he is dating when you are not around?

Original poster
tailgate · 27/04/2024 13:13

GRex · 27/04/2024 12:39

Did you ‘forget’ it at his place to keep the door open? Even subconsciously? I remember playing that game with someone I really liked but the feelings were not reciprocated.
This is exactly what's going on, as well as the rules to sleep with anyone... oh, except that one because you like her. Any contact is fine, but he isn't allowed to hide anything (even if it's the other woman who's blocked her and that's why she can't see the photos).

OP - a proper relationship will make you much happier, you simply don't feel casual about this guy.

This is such a massively sweeping assumption and couldn't be further from the truth.

OP posts:
Cheesyfootballs01 · 27/04/2024 13:33

tailgate · 27/04/2024 13:13

This is such a massively sweeping assumption and couldn't be further from the truth.

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So tell us then?!

You are being really cryptic and not really answering anyone?

It must be a couple of days now since he voice noted you so you have either replied or not..

If you haven’t I would assume he thinks you’re pissed at him so so you might as well just tell him the truth

Icehockeyflowers · 27/04/2024 13:34

Being with a guy during the summer months over a few years is not ‘seeing’ him. It is a summer fling IF both of you are single. How can you be ‘shocked’ at how he lives his normal everyday life? You aren’t part of his life.You are a small part of his summer if he has nothing else going on. Can you really not see that?

The34Bus · 27/04/2024 13:55

Lampslights · 27/04/2024 11:05

He wasn’t prickly. What are you talking about. He has been nothing but pleasant. He is being civil and respectful. But that doesn’t mean he has to date or not date who she dictates. That’s far from on.

i also have no idea what you’re on about about my approval. Odd comment, but I don’t see how he’s a piece of shit as he’s dating women when he’s single.

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Let’s see how prickly it gets when he finds out OP knows!

He hasn’t been respectful. “I didn’t tell you for your own good” is patronising and the disrespectful.

betterangels · 27/04/2024 14:01

The34Bus · 27/04/2024 13:55

Let’s see how prickly it gets when he finds out OP knows!

He hasn’t been respectful. “I didn’t tell you for your own good” is patronising and the disrespectful.

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Why should he care? They're shagging a couple of times a year and are both dating other people. OP is way too invested in a FWB. If I were him, I'd send her the driver's license and be done with it. FWB is supposed to be casual and drama free. This isn't anymore.

Original poster
tailgate · 27/04/2024 15:02

I realise that leaving out some key info has left a lot of room for (very incorrect) assumptions but that's fine. I'll take that over losing my privacy.

I messaged him back today, finally. I said that I hadn't replied because I hadn't known what to say, as he must know I am aware he's blocked me from seeing his stories, and that he must realise I know why, too.

I said I was disappointed we couldn't have had an adult conversation about it instead and that it made it awkward for me to know how to respond to him.

I also said if they were a couple, it's completely fine and I'm happy he's met someone (as it happens, I'd be very surprised if they are, again for reasons I don't want to share here).

I know it's easy to paint a woman in a situationship as obsessed with the man and delusional, but that really isn't the case here, although I realise I have chosen not to give enough info to explain that.

Really grateful for everyone's responses. I wasn't expecting any replies, let alone 500!

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 27/04/2024 15:03

It's sad when good women waste their time and emotional energy on blokes who are happy to keep things casual aka have their cake and eat it. They convince themselves that they're cool with the casual nature of the relationship and like the no -commitments but then get very aggrieved and want explanations and honesty when it's not what they man thinks is even necessary.

you can bet your bottom dollar this bloke isn't giving you a moment's thought OP, so why bother demanding something he will resolutely refuse to engage with. You aren't his partner or anything near to that, so he doesn't need to invest in caring about your feelings.

he's a free agent, however you've characterised him in your head.

beAsensible1 · 27/04/2024 15:06

That was good and honest message op. Conversation is key. Best of luck

US2gether · 27/04/2024 15:22

tailgate · 27/04/2024 15:02

I realise that leaving out some key info has left a lot of room for (very incorrect) assumptions but that's fine. I'll take that over losing my privacy.

I messaged him back today, finally. I said that I hadn't replied because I hadn't known what to say, as he must know I am aware he's blocked me from seeing his stories, and that he must realise I know why, too.

I said I was disappointed we couldn't have had an adult conversation about it instead and that it made it awkward for me to know how to respond to him.

I also said if they were a couple, it's completely fine and I'm happy he's met someone (as it happens, I'd be very surprised if they are, again for reasons I don't want to share here).

I know it's easy to paint a woman in a situationship as obsessed with the man and delusional, but that really isn't the case here, although I realise I have chosen not to give enough info to explain that.

Really grateful for everyone's responses. I wasn't expecting any replies, let alone 500!

You come over as wanting more from him and jealous of the woman he chose to take to the wedding as his plus 1.

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/04/2024 15:45

BeakyPIinders · 25/04/2024 18:30

Eww I couldn't be sloppy seconds. Nah bin him

This! In the bin with him OP!

Trulyme · 27/04/2024 15:48

I also said if they were a couple, it's completely fine and I'm happy he's met someone (as it happens, I'd be very surprised if they are, again for reasons I don't want to share here).

I think you need to accept that he’s obviously not open with you and it’s highly unlikely that he’d ever tell you the full truth.

Obviously we don’t know the back story but if most people wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone because of it, then they’d also be highly unlikely to take them as a +1 to a family wedding where they would be introduced and get to know his family members, who will assume that they are a couple.

I would tread very carefully here, as it sounds like in the past he’s probably just told you what you want to hear about this woman but has been close to her/in a relationship the entire time.

HellsBells67 · 27/04/2024 16:08

What was his response to you op? Did he deny they are an item?

DoreenonTill8 · 27/04/2024 16:15

Trulyme · 27/04/2024 15:48

I also said if they were a couple, it's completely fine and I'm happy he's met someone (as it happens, I'd be very surprised if they are, again for reasons I don't want to share here).

I think you need to accept that he’s obviously not open with you and it’s highly unlikely that he’d ever tell you the full truth.

Obviously we don’t know the back story but if most people wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone because of it, then they’d also be highly unlikely to take them as a +1 to a family wedding where they would be introduced and get to know his family members, who will assume that they are a couple.

I would tread very carefully here, as it sounds like in the past he’s probably just told you what you want to hear about this woman but has been close to her/in a relationship the entire time.

Well yes, unless they're related, or she's a family members ex, I can't understand why he'd invite someone who you'd be surprised he'd be in a relationship with to a wedding as his date?

DoreenonTill8 · 27/04/2024 16:18

DoreenonTill8 · 27/04/2024 16:15

Well yes, unless they're related, or she's a family members ex, I can't understand why he'd invite someone who you'd be surprised he'd be in a relationship with to a wedding as his date?

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Unless you're also male, and that's why you're so surprised he's taken a woman as his date?

LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2024 16:40

The thick plottens

Vema · 27/04/2024 16:41

Ilovelifeverymuch · 26/04/2024 21:06

It's the fact that you've spoken about this woman and he knows that it annoys you that matters

That would make sense in a committed relationship not a friends with benefits relationship where they both agree to see and sleep with other people no questions asked.

You can't be in such a relationship then start going on about how he doesn't care for her, that's the whole point of friends with benefits relationships.

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Actually that's a fair point.

Think OP just needs to figure out whether a FWB relationship is for her, which doesn't appear so.

US2gether · 27/04/2024 17:01

tailgate · 27/04/2024 13:13

This is such a massively sweeping assumption and couldn't be further from the truth.

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So what do you really think of him? Why are you jealous of the wedding plus 1?

You protest too much.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/04/2024 17:13

Has he agreed to send you your license?

Did he respond at all and was he adult about it?

LoveWine123 · 27/04/2024 17:15

Now we need to know how he responded.

Original poster
tailgate · 27/04/2024 17:15

LaurieFairyCake · 27/04/2024 17:13

Has he agreed to send you your license?

Did he respond at all and was he adult about it?

He hasn't replied yet but he'd be at work so I wouldn't expect him to.

OP posts:
US2gether · 27/04/2024 18:10

tailgate · 26/04/2024 09:44

Absolutely he's done nothing wrong.

If we take the "relationship" aspect out of it, imagine your friend had gone out for the night with your worst enemy and you didn't find out about it until you spotted it on social media. You then realise your friend had suddenly blocked you from her social media, and not said a word. The next day, your friend drops you a line to say hi, as if nothing had happened.

Do you bring it up? Or do you pretend you've not seen it and carry on as normal? Because after all your friend is entitled to hang out with who she likes?

In this instance, as with mine, the blocking from social media is more contentious than the pictures on social media. It's a proactive move to hide things from you.

This is a terrible analogy but I'm trying to give an example of the conflict avoidance/elephant in the room feeling that I'm having!

(This woman is not my worst enemy, incidentally. I've never met her).

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If you've never met this other woman then why did you compare it to him going out with your worst enemy? You've never met but you know lots about her and obviously don't like her. Did she have an affair with someone you know, why does this woman bother you more than others he dates?

For someone who plays at casual you seem very bothered by him taking another woman to a family wedding. Family wedding implies a relationship, meeting his family, next step and most definitely not a fuck buddy. It implies importance.

I do feel sorry for you, it can't be nice for you finding he wanted to keep quiet she went with him.

Thursdaygirl · 27/04/2024 18:40

NeedToChangeName · 26/04/2024 08:18

IMHO, this is why FWB / non exclusive dating doesn't work

One party usually more keen than the other. Usually, the woman hoping for more, while the man gets everything on his terms

Yep!